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Marowak
August 18th, 2007, 06:26 PM
Rhapsody~♥

Of azure blue the skies have drifted,
My heart is thus dear goddess lifted.
Of crimson red thy roses bloom,
My feelings then, shall be known soon.

How often then I've seen myself,
Think of days we'd spent with lovely wealth.
Not of gold and silver and coins and riches,
But of love and dreams and hopes and wishes.

How every breathe of your embrace,
Became lovely blushes in my face.
How every word from your lips depart,
Became symphonies and rhapsodies in my heart.

Of words and promises I failed to hear,
When once before, deep inside it stirred,
Feelings of pain, loneliness, hopelessness and fear.

And still these nights I remember fondly,
That day I've gazed on thee who's lovely.
Of how her cheeks were flushed with beauty,
Her bleak hair thus waved like the sapphire sea.

Of how her cheerful laugh rang like bells of gold,
Of how her friends they've seem to told,
All the goodness in the world is with you,
the perfect beauty, kindness, smiles of different hue.

I immediately felt captivated,
Unsure whether I was infatuated,
Or simply wanting to spend some time with you,
Wanting to find out if these feelings were true.

And now I have spent these days in your company,
This I can truly say with certainty.
My love it grows with each and every moment,
Your kindness it gave me hope for atonement.
How your smile it gave me happiness and hope,
After all those words one day you spoke.

"From now and ever, we'll love each other.
I want to stay by you forever." ♥

Thank you for reading! ♥

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
August 18th, 2007, 08:41 PM
The main problem is rhythm, for instance in the second stanza's second and third verses. That flaw makes its way throughout the whole poem after that. You know, the first stanza is nearly technically perfect; great rhythm, rhyme scheme, and I love the words you use there and over the whole piece. They really help connote the ideas and the imagery is boosted positively by the supberb metaphors you applied there.

About the structure, it's yet another free style. Sometime sit's confusing when you suddenly differ from a certain scheme you carry, be it based on a four-verse stanza that is left against the fourth one. Same happens with the last two stanzas; it isn't really much of a problem, it's just unorthodox.

As for the title, it's rather monotone and it can fit a wide range of ideas. i'd suggest changing it to something more specific, or directly related to the general idea that is apparently infatuation and love, unless the title has already a personal meaning to you.

oni flygon
August 26th, 2007, 05:59 PM
Rhythm? Oh screw rhythm. >>

Well, Pichu over there gave you good enough advice and I sorta admire your poem, being something that stands out in this Poetry forum. It's the best one I've seen so far, at least in this page, and excluding Pichu. The imagery and descriptions are great, really motivating and moving. The metaphors help move the poem with execution.

This is a weird kind of free verse, seeing how it still rhymes even though you have unstructured verses, but that's okay with me. Whatever helps to convey the poem is fine in my opinion, even if you make a couple of weird changes or bending the mundane.

Awesome job overall!

~Dai-kun~
August 27th, 2007, 12:03 PM
In my opinion it was a beautiful poem I nearly forgot about rhythm.
You made a nice poem Marowak!

Manaphy1128
August 29th, 2007, 02:04 PM
I don't know how to say this right but- IT'S TOO GAGGY FoR ME.

Yeah, I said it. It's a little roo on the, gaggy side. Sorry, I just don't like those.

That being said, it's average for me. I see it all the time. Now this isn't your fault, kay?

Lets think...umm....umm...YES!

I really love the figurative speech, and the nice descriptions. other then that, I know I say this alot, it's meh.

oni flygon
August 30th, 2007, 02:57 PM
I don't know how to say this right but- IT'S TOO GAGGY FoR ME.

Yeah, I said it. It's a little roo on the, gaggy side. Sorry, I just don't like those.

That being said, it's average for me. I see it all the time. Now this isn't your fault, kay?

Lets think...umm....umm...YES!

I really love the figurative speech, and the nice descriptions. other then that, I know I say this alot, it's meh.

This poem isn't "meh", as it's absolutely better than most of the threads posted in this forum... combined, at most. Your critique wasn't much. Taking about "descriptions" is totally cliched. Try to dig deeper, rather than scratch the superficial, mmk?

Manaphy1128
August 30th, 2007, 03:05 PM
No, it was meh. My definitiion can be diffrent from yours. I've heard it before. I don't care. OKAY? Thanks kindly.

Mmmk? Right. I do what I do, I've seen others just prasing it. THERE posts aren't needed. MMMK?

Sorry to make fun. I just have to say that to get my point across.

Yesterday
August 30th, 2007, 03:08 PM
Mmmk? Right. I do what I do, I've seen others just prasing it. THERE posts aren't needed. MMMK?

but quality ish better than quantity!!! >w< cuz if three people who are good writers criticized it good, ish good, right? ^w^

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 08:19 PM
Okay Manaphy, I'm fed up with this.

No, it was meh.I've heard it before.Oh, will you calm down already. It was not "meh". It was a nice poem with good rhythm and diction, two essential qualities your own work admittedly lacks. Your own work is more clichéd than anything else here, so please don't come with all that heroic trash you say like you knew what you were talking about.
My definitiion can be diffrent from yours. Your "definitions" are meek and grasping on "dumb". To define is to essentially express the original nature of something, so start studying the meaning of the words you use before you embarass yourself again.
I don't care. OKAY? Thanks kindly.Don't even bother to post here, okay? Thanks.

You know what? The truth is this: your point is not valid here. You're actually silly enough to come and talk about people praising "bad" poems while it's all your beloved friends have been doing in your past poetry thread. You're so accustomed to recieving shallow suck-up comments that you actually think you're good enough to talk about it. Marowak has just given us a great poem right here, certainly better than any of your hundred posted pieces. I can't believe how hilarious your comments can result sometimes; but it's your posts that we don't need.

You're actually qualified to criticize and get your point across when you provide Marowak or anyone else with proper, elaborate and mechanic reviews, rather than empty comments that sometimes even scream jealousy.

So know this before you go and make a fool of yourself again, I will warn you if you keep the ill-natured and useless comments.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
September 26th, 2007, 01:36 PM
... I hope I can still comment on your poem ^^; even with all that's happened up there.

Ah, gosh, I'm not really a poet myself, but I really love reading some of them.

I'll be honest, I thought it was beautiful.
It was so emotional, (well for me), but I just thought it all flowed together really nicely. That's right, it flows~ I'm such a loser with poetic terms, forgive me. x3

The title, I agree with Careful With That Axe, Pichu. It seems so broad for the poem itself. Something with a bit of a sweeter ring to it might have brought more glory to it. BUT, I also really like it, because of the third stanza. It really makes that line stand out... well, in my opinion.

The words you chose were really sweet and subtle for the most part. Awe, I just think it's really well painted.

Well, 'nuff from me!
I just liked it <3 and felt horrible if I didn't leave you some sort of review for that.

Nice work~ :2:

Random Plushie
September 27th, 2007, 10:31 PM
Aw, this poem is absolutely lovely~

The word choice is so beautiful, I think it really paints a gorgeous picture.. and calms the spirit, even! The message is so heartwarming, too.. even though you've got a general title and all, I think the amount of obvious effort you put into writing this piece really makes it awesome. ^^

Overall, a wonderful read, despite rhythm and such.


..dang, this totally owns the last poem I posted here. xD

moody_cow_
September 30th, 2007, 07:40 PM
Wow, that is a beautiful poem. I particularly like the way you've structured the sentences and the words you chose to describe everything. I have to say that you've managed to write a love poem that isn't a cheesy rehash of all those other immature love poems you see out there these days, that I also must profess I myself write! (",) Anyways, just wonderfully done! A real deviation from the norm! *throws roses on the stage at you*

Oh although one criticsim did come to mind, feel free to ignore it, it's just my own personal opinion you know. But in that last two lines of the second stanza, I think the word "and" is overused, I think those two lines would flow better with commas between the first three things you list and then an and between the third and fourth! But that's all I noticed! =)

Anyways, well done once again! Toodles! =)