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Midori Chi
August 19th, 2007, 02:06 PM
I'm baaaack to the Poetry section~ It's been so long since I've been in here, it seems. I just made up this poem a few minutes ago, and this is my first poem in a long time, so I'm prepared for any critiques. So, without further ado...

I Live in the Sky

I lived on earth,
but I ran away.
I was given birth,
but life didn't stay.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

My smile is the sun.
Rain are my tears.
To the sky I have run,
for the rest of earth's years.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

Thunder is my anger.
The wind is my sigh.
I was ill and in danger,
so I decided to cry.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

The illness has taken me,
but it's not bad at all.
My soul is free,
and here's my final call.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

Manaphy1128
August 19th, 2007, 02:15 PM
I pretty much never read anyone elses poems, so take this as a compliment!

Seriously, I like it. And I normally don't like other peoples poems. Mostly cuz their never interesting. But I like this one, not since it has a new idea (Because it doesn't) it's because the way you write them. Um...I can't explain this at all.

So be it.

Midori Chi
August 19th, 2007, 02:18 PM
Thanks, Manaphy-chan. : )
And I think I understand.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
August 19th, 2007, 03:44 PM
Er, eleborating a bit more on what Manaphy might have meant...

Rhythm is fine, not alarmingly sloppy, but it'd do better with a more restricted metric. The description is brief and creative, and it's an organized structure. I like the idea and metaphors you implied. It's a very nice poem, Verde Chi! ^^

Midori Chi
August 19th, 2007, 04:26 PM
Thanks. : ) I appreciate the critique. ^.^

Harmony
August 25th, 2007, 11:48 AM
Omg chi this is so beautiful!

oni flygon
August 26th, 2007, 05:53 PM
Safe structure and rhymes, overall pretty decent, not as cliched as I thought it might be, but it's still passes and it's likable. Short verses make it safe, but it doesn't carry the whole poem with it. Still pretty good though, and keep up the good work.