View Full Version : Dead Highway

August 26th, 2007, 7:01 AM
Hey, I'm new to PokeCommunity, but I've been writing for who knows how long. I am also known as llamasshouldfly on DeviantArt. So here is one of my poems, I wrote on a whim!

I lay alone across the dead highway
Last to remain and Last one to Live
I feel my death slowly approaching
And yet I do not feel sad
My life has not been perfect
Nor should it have been
But I realize I have been alone
And that is my home
Alone. Different.
That is where I belong
Away from human kind
Away from the destruction
So I lay alone across the dead highway
Feeling the cold tar across my back
I try to raise my hand and yet it won’t move
I open my eyes and all I see is white
A mother’s last words, replay in my ear.
A father’s last doubt still in my soul
And yet I feel alone
No one there to guide me
Only the light
But yet the light is dark
I see a demented view
One that burns in the distance
And know I realize I’m in Hell.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
August 26th, 2007, 7:10 AM
Rhythm: Sloppy, maybe due to the nature and choice of words. Remember, metric has to make up if the poem doesn't enjoy a rhyme scheme.
Form: This is a weak factor here, it's compressed, lacking a structure. remember, that also contrubutes to rhythm. You could divide it on stanzas.
Description: You did fairly well on this one; I like the diction, though towards he end you strayed a bit from the solid picture you had throughout the poem.
Creativity: Nothing breathtaking or really amusing/touching, but there's a significant amount of originality.

Overall, it's a poem that really wants a structure and well-defined metric. Nevertheless, it's a good work.