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Zorua
September 2nd, 2007, 02:30 PM
Far Away

The Sky, the trees, the animals, the sea
Why are they so far away from me?
First, the sky, everyone's goal
To soar, to fly, if they fail they try more

The Sky, the trees, the animals, the sea
Why are they so far away from me?
Second, the trees, so many that die
Please don't leave me, I'm going to cry

The sky, the trees, the animals, the sea
Why are they so far away from me?
Third, the creatures, that nature keeps loving
Such a shame they go down by hunting

The sky, the trees, the animals, the sea
Why are they so far away from me?
Last, the sea, there's a reflection of me
But there's pollution as far as the eye can see

Everything is far, far away from me
Greatest loss is my self-esteem
Please, nature, come, if you may
Just please, don't stay far away..



I take as much criticism as needed. I want to improve my poetry by a great deal. Personally, my views, are that the repetition can be somewhat bothering and such. The only problem that I have with it.

I will be writing more poems shortly, very much nature related. Also somewhat to myself(the self-esteem part). This is just the first version so far. I will be thinking up additional poems to connect with this one later on.

And be completely honest here, people. I would expect nothing more than your honesty.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 02:46 PM
The rhythm is well. The rhyme scheme is what bothers me a bit, specifically on the last verses from the first and third stanzas.

Diction, nice; though it feels a bit slow and simple. On the other hand, ironically, the poem flows very naturally, regarding this matter.

Not too much description to eleborate with, neither narration. I guess this is a good poem, really. I liked it, and I believe you do have room to improve.

Zorua
September 2nd, 2007, 03:11 PM
Thanks for that, Steven. The rhyming, although with the "die and cry" makes it too common, and too general. I realize that now.
Note:The upcoming versions will most likely not be relevant to the first. However, they will still be focused on the same thing.

Most likely I won't write a second part to this poem until much later on.