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Manaphy1128
September 2nd, 2007, 03:49 PM
(Amazing thing, the "post new thread" button )

Okay then since Mr. CWTAP closed my other prized thread, I am opening a new one. I need some way of posting poetry on these forums, and new thread is probably the best choice.

Again, I didn't really get CC on these the last time, just a comment that the scructure was odd. So, once again, "Empty Memory" and "The Unseen Future":

Empty Memory

One last hold of my hand
One last drop of blood spilled
One last chance for survival
One last chance for anything

Your grip lossens as I pull mine away
And set off again
I see the glimmer reflecting off the sun in your eye
I know why it's there
But my heart wouldn't be able to take it

One last hold of my hand
One last drop of blood spilled
One last chance for survival
One last chance for anything

I walk alone
Wondering everything
About that one last time touching your skin
It felt so nice
And perfect
But the world is falling apart
Because of hate
And tearing people apart

One last hold of my hand
One last drop of blood spilled
One last chance for survival
One last chance for anything

I know you worry
But that's just natural
Maybe more then normal
But I know it will be fine
Puddle of tears collect on your windowsill
And more start to fall
Flowing off onto the carpet

One last hold of my hand
One last drop of blood spilled
One last chance for survival
One last chance for anything

I take the cuts and slashes
Knowing you're waiting back for me
Knowing that you will die if I do first
You will get the rope
If someone comes back with bad news
Tie it up
If too much of my blood is spilled
And wrap it around your neck
If I never wake up again

One last hold of my hand
One last drop of blood spilled
One last chance for survival
One last chance for anything

The Unseen Future

It's not my fault
It never is
But here I go saying that's false

A better life
A better time
You'd better die
Before that's all over
Out of reach
Out of time
I can't breathe any longer

Can you teach me how to
Dream in black and white
Before I go
I'm paralyzed
Set in to stone already

A better life
A better time
You'd better die
Before that's all over
Out of reach
Out of time
I can't breathe any longer

Try as you always do
I'm starting to sink into nothing
Try and rescue me
Can you not?
Can you try?
Before it's all over

A better life
A better time
You'd better die
Before that's all over
Out of reach
Out of time
I can't breathe any longer

In the end
I'm here no more
I can't say a word
Ever clear
And stained with blood
A crow sits on my window sill
**************************************

I'll post some later, if CWTAP doesn't consider it SPAM, which it isn't, since it's a poem thread, thank you very much.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 04:00 PM
I'm not bothering to review, just to notify you my criterion about your attitude is still up, and that I deleted your other thread, as it is obviously not going to re-open.

I hope this topic means you're actually willing to take constructive criticism properly from now on. ^^

Oh, and I'm going to watch all those short and useless reviews like those that seemed to rain on your other thread. I might delete some silly posts, like I should have done in there, so you have no more than constructive advice.

Manaphy1128
September 2nd, 2007, 04:49 PM
I'm not bothering to review, just to notify you my criterion about your attitude is still up, and that I deleted your other thread, as it is obviously not going to re-open.

I hope this topic means you're actually willing to take constructive criticism properly from now on. ^^

Oh, and I'm going to watch all those short and useless reviews like those that seemed to rain on your other thread. I might delete some silly posts, like I should have done in there, so you have no more than constructive advice.

Okay then, ah well, lost about over 100 poems from that thread, and they are now gone.

Two Days Ago

Somehow my heart was broken
But I don't remeber
Maybe it happened yeasterday
Or the day before that
And you see this has happened before
The tearing of hearts
But each time before
I felt stabbing pain
Coursing through my veins and my own soul
I have come up with an explanation-
I guess I never loved you

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 06:01 PM
Maybe it happened yeasterday
*yesterday

Rhythm is off... And I don't mean rhythm by music; posting poems here is asking for reviews on works considering they aren't set to music. A good excercise is reciting the piece aloud(without a melody); that way you are able to identify the instances on which the rhythm is uneven.

The diction is ordinary, nothing striking, but fine. The meaning is sort of clichéd, I honestly have seen the pain of love as a subject, but what gives, it's just not too original in my opinion.

Overall, an okay poem. Good luck on writing more, and try not to rush your works.

Manaphy1128
September 3rd, 2007, 05:57 AM
I knew I would miss-spell a word....me and forgetting the danged spellcheck. I will try to remeber that. Other then that, you know.....

Pondering


Violins play
Echoing off the walls
Falling into the ears of the mourners.
The pianos vibrate sounds
Entering through to the crying.
What a curse, those words
The words,
"They'll be alright".
Never listen to that sentence
And you will still not be alright
We never will
Until the day we die

___________________________________________

Hopefully this will at least stir up some sort of, maybe odd, compliment. Very un-lkely.

Manaphy1128
September 8th, 2007, 04:29 PM
I got this from a picture with Sakura in it. It was such an amazing piece, screaming "doom", screaming "loneliness", literally screaming "don't leave", screaming such complex emotion to me. Eh, it was wallpaper for gods sake. People.
It might seem odd(like always). It's just the way I write.

Hidden Sign

Well here we are
Smashing it into pieces
And trying to put it together the right way this time
Don't look at me with your sorrow eyes
You might loathe it today
But if you don't you'll regret it one sometime to come

Show your rightful kind to me
Just show me your skeletons in the closet
Pity your rage
Looming over towards me
Glass shattering violence commencing now
I'm not incomplete
I just keep changing my mind

Just don't try to hold me up
I will stand here on my two feet
Proud to be all that you aren't
You've already heard it before
Show me your face
Then leave it erased
Delicate lilac violet
Rows of it
Bloodied, crimson
Flowers spread out as a fan
As seen upside down
Such oddity it is

_______________________________

Don't even question what it's about. It's supposed to make you think. I like those kinds of poems more.

Manaphy1128
September 9th, 2007, 02:45 PM
Stapled

My hand's still broken
The shattered pieces like a black hole pulling me
Further
Mignight and still cracking
I dread the sound and all of my own dreams
I think of
All day

Torn between me
And someone else
Another step and the edge will crumble away

I will not say it
But you do not mind a bit
Do you?

Drowning in worries
My own lies and regrets
You've it all before this
And it's still being spoken
To you
_________________________________________

Himawari
September 11th, 2007, 03:57 PM
Oh yes, I finally get to see your poetry.Anyway, I really like Stapled...it makes you think, and that's what your aiming for, right?

Anyways, I hope you see faults in this.

Ths words and how you express yourself are megear for me, and this is just based on personal taste overall.

Really I have nothing else to say. Hope you write more.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 15th, 2007, 10:47 PM
Manaphy1128, don't make sock puppets to praise your own poetry again, or you'll get warned.

Anyway, that last poem has the same rhythm issue like the others. At least you varied the vocabulary a bit...

Manaphy1128
September 16th, 2007, 08:03 AM
Manaphy1128, don't make sock puppets to praise your own poetry again, or you'll get warned.

Anyway, that last poem has the same rhythm issue like the others. At least you varied the vocabulary a bit...


Okay, cough up proof that that's a sock puppet. I need it.

Hm....well, I'm not really sure what good rythm is, to you and everyone else. So, I hope this has some good rythm, but I'm sure it won't.

Steep Hill

I burnt my own
Heart to ashes.

Fight fire with fire,
I fought fire with water.
I cheat the world,
Who cheated us first.

Manaphy1128
September 30th, 2007, 03:43 PM
Ah, another one. This started as a Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle joke and ended in a suicide poem...that is jsut, wrong man. Paper Mario refrence

I know you've heard it all before.

I Think It's Time For Bullets

Hey you,
Pick up that gun there,
Kill him.
Kill him before the trouble starts.

Yes there, you found the trigger.
Pull it,
A bullet'll shoot out.
Well hell,
Of course he's gonna die.
Don't question me.

No no,
That's too light.
Pull it harder.
Yes, a bullet'll shoot out.
Why yes girl, it will pierce his heart.
And crimson liquid will start to seep.

Yes, this second.
Yes in a second.
Shoot it.
Shoot it.
Yes, a bullet'll shoot out!

"No, don't shoot yourself!"
"Shut up!"

moody_cow_
September 30th, 2007, 07:53 PM
Okies well I don't mean to be nit picky or anything but the whole "pull the trigger" thing is very cliche and also inaccurate. It might better (still cliche) if you'd said "squeeze the trigger". Just because if you actually pull the trigger on a gun, it doesn't do anything! Lol!

Anyways, it was kind of an odd poem. I didn't dislike it, it was just there wasn't really anything I could relate to. Also it's kind of repetitive, I mean understand why, but you could've varied the words shoot and kill instead of using them over and use slightly more gruesome, but effective words like massacre, murder or slaughter! Anyways, that's just my opinion! =)

But do keep on writing we always learn something new and useful between every poem we write that we can try to apply to the next one to improve the quality of our writing! =)

Toodles! Have a splendid day!

~Moody Cow~

Manaphy1128
October 1st, 2007, 03:04 PM
Okies well I don't mean to be nit picky or anything but the whole "pull the trigger" thing is very cliche and also inaccurate. It might better (still cliche) if you'd said "squeeze the trigger". Just because if you actually pull the trigger on a gun, it doesn't do anything! Lol!

Anyways, it was kind of an odd poem. I didn't dislike it, it was just there wasn't really anything I could relate to. Also it's kind of repetitive, I mean understand why, but you could've varied the words shoot and kill instead of using them over and use slightly more gruesome, but effective words like massacre, murder or slaughter! Anyways, that's just my opinion! =)

But do keep on writing we always learn something new and useful between every poem we write that we can try to apply to the next one to improve the quality of our writing! =)

Toodles! Have a splendid day!

~Moody Cow~


Well, it was a prety quick write, but you are right. I will. I alot of times have cliche poems. It's a habit you can't break. Oh and this poem is a contest entry for "What is life to you?' And it's also pretty weak.

I'm Not Perfect

And well,
The greatest thing in life is wondering why.
Why do we exist.
Oh and I think I have an answer,
Right here on the tip of my tounge.

You see,
No one knows what is enough,
There are more poems to write,
So many songs to sing,
More drawings to be drawn,
So many more people to blame.
And you know your life is ending when you think
You experienced a lifetime.
And the ending for me is not near.

And my next concern is what happens here,
Finding out mysteries we can.
Is there really coincedence and accidents-
Or just Hitzuen, as quoted?
So many more wonders to let them sink in.
Waiting to be answered.

And the best thing about this planet,
Is being a kid.
The happiest-
Or most depressing.
Your sucked into the crazy things people do,
And maybe you treat it lightly.
That's what being one is about.
Not knowing,
Always wondering.
That's how you grow up,
And that's how the world works,
And that is what life is about.
Oh and don't forget those life lessons.

"What, your paper has a rip?
And your just going to throw it away?
Is that what you do to humans too-
They aren't not complete, so you just trash them?
You think this world should be a pefect place?
Well gosh honey,
Not even Heaven is.
And you will make sure what you use is the best one you know?
Well I'll let you ponder on this."

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
October 2nd, 2007, 06:35 PM
It's a habit you can't break.

That's not true. It can be broken if you try hard enough.

Manaphy1128
October 6th, 2007, 08:02 PM
Oky, so I never think when I write...of course I noticed that a long time ago.

Flood

I love the way you,
Say you don't love me back.
Because then I know the worlds still revolving,
That hate still exists.
Maybe it's something that I shouldn't smile about,
But in reality it's just a test.
So don't even try to understand me.

Manaphy1128
October 25th, 2007, 01:48 PM
You know what-
I looked at a REALLY old poem of mine today, and only one word could describe it-
CRAPPY
Reality didn't hit, because I've defintly moved on from that. I'm glad of that, not doing the pointless poems anymore. Reality is weird.

Okay, this was the first even poem I had written on Allpoetry. It won Gold in the contest I entered it in, "OUR CHILDREN OF AP SPEAK OUT! 13 years and younger only!", which really suprised me in the end. Anyway,

Once

You can't sin us
For what you once were
And still have memories of childhood
I will not be the image you think of
I will show you

I won't stand for you streotyping me
It's been done before I know that so much
Yoy once were arguing this point too
I'll show you what we really are

You can't serious in your intentions
To think your better then us
We shall be like you one day
So quit complaining

Well, it isn't a good one really, but it's something.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
October 25th, 2007, 09:03 PM
Hey Manaphy, I'll rate your poems... if that's okay.
.-. Forgive me for not going through all of them, there's some good stuff in here!

But I'm just going to do the last two (perhaps the most recent =\) ^___^ I hope that's alright! =D

Okies, first of all, I just want to say that your poetry isn't bad at all. In fact it's quite good. BUT, it sounds more like a bunch of slappy ideas, and not a poem. The words you choose to describe things are really harsh and not flowing. It gives the poem no real voice, and the tone you use, in my opinion, always sounds angry/mad/etc.

Like, there's no calm, it's just... it feels like you're screaming at me. Does that make sense? ._.

D; I'm really not being mean, even though I feel like jerkish... >-< I'm just stating my opinion!

You're an awesome writer, I'm not saying you aren't, your style's just rather blunt, and not my favorite (in my own little world here).

Alright, now that that's said! =3 The last two!

~~~~~

In Flood I like the idea. I think it's pretty unique.
I love the first lines, but I think it's really a lot shorter than it could be...

The ending line ruins it, imo. It's harsh, and sort of switches direction entirely... Like there's not enough build up for you to put a statement like that in there.

But nice work! ^.^

~~~~~~

Once

o.o I really like your opening line. It sounds very powerful, with the choice of words you use.

Erm, here's a few things to change on the grammar. ><;
I usually don't catch grammar mistakes often either! but in poetry, I think it matters the most... just because a different word can give something a whole new meaning, or throw off a rhythm entirely.

you is mispelled in there somewheres... =x
You can't serious in your intentions --> [be should be after can't ...?]
To think your better then us --> [your change to you're... change then to than]

...

I guess the angry tone fits really well in this one! 0w0 wonderful~
but...

So quit complaining

Once again, I think that's a really rough line to be the finish of a poem that sounds as deep as it does.

~~~~

Alrighties, those are just MY thoughts and opinions. Don't let it bring you down, but rather build you up! And I really look forward to seeing more from you.

Keep writing~and best of luck! ^.^