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Vavavoom ♣
September 2nd, 2007, 04:01 PM
Hi there,

I finally decided to post one of my poems, on the forum. I made that poem when I was in 8th grade, in my English Class.

The meeting in water

From the salty water of the Atlantic,
To the sweet water of the Pacific,
I keep on seeing a boat,
A boat that's fallen' from the sky.
I ask " Boat, is it time for me to go? ",
The boat answer " Yes, dear child. "...

I take off my clothes,
The boat touches me with it's deck,
It grabs my body,
And throw me away,
Deep in the ocean's fathoms,
Where I'll meet the other phantoms...


I personally think it's quite good, compared to other stuff that I made before. Please give me good and understandable feedback.

Thanks. :3

Manaphy1128
September 2nd, 2007, 04:08 PM
(Hopefully you will be able to understad this, you never know....)

Okay, than, lets start here: I like the new concept (it's new to me) and I did like how you picked your words. (*has absoloutely no poetry writing talent* <~ Me)

Though a few times (only two, whatever) you would be better off with an s at the end of the word. I think. Yes, I suck at reveiwing.

Over all, I would like to see more of your poems, if you really don't mind.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 04:26 PM
Rhythm/Meter: Frankly, it's uneven, at least on the first two verses.
Diction: I like the choice of words, really. It's quite easy to read.
Descriptions: Well, you could employ deeper decriptions on it. Imagery would certainly gain a lot of strength if you did. Either way, it's fine.
Grammar/Spelling:

And throw me away*throws

The boat touches me with it's deck,*its

"It's", with the apostrophe, connotes "It is" or "It has" and that way it wouldn't make much sense.

A boat that's fallen' from the sky.Okay, I'm not getting this. Do you mean "A boat that has fallen" or "A boat that is falling"? The apostrophe on "fallen'" confuses me.

The boat answer " Yes, dear child. "...*answers

Also, just curious:

From the salty water of the Atlantic,
To the sweet water of the Pacific,This might be a minor detail, but the Pacific Ocean's water is not sweet. Actually, the Atlantic Ocean's water is way sweeter, because of the great Amazon river.


Also, Manaphy1128, going "OMG YOU SUCK" on things is not my job, though, through time, and judging by your posts, it's apparently yours. This is constructive criticism.

Vavavoom ♣
September 2nd, 2007, 04:36 PM
Rhythm/Meter: Frankly, it's uneven, at least on the first two verses.
Diction: I like the choice of words, really. It's quite easy to read.
Descriptions: Well, you could employ deeper decriptions on it. Imagery would certainly gain a lot of strength if you did. Either way, it's fine.
Grammar/Spelling:

*throws

*its

"It's", with the apostrophe, connotes "It is" or "It has" and that way it wouldn't make much sense.

Okay, I'm not getting this. Do you mean "A boat that has fallen" or "A boat that is falling"? The apostrophe on "fallen'" confuses me.

Also, Manaphy1128, going "OMG YOU SUCK" on things is not my job, though, through time, and judging by your posts, it's apparently yours. This is constructive criticism.

Okay. -calms down-

This might be a minor detail, but the Pacific Ocean's water is not sweet. Actually, the Atlantic Ocean's water is way sweeter, because of the great Amazon river.

So?... Who actually cares? I was wrong, okay. But it's not like if I'm going to change that just because it's different from the reality. Anyway, you may close the thread, now. I don't want the others to post here, anymore.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 04:40 PM
I was just pointing that out. It's important to keep things coherent or you might confuse people, sometimes even when writing Fantasy.

I guess you still bear a prejudice against me, and I regret that, I was just providing you with my unbiased critique. I didn't ask you to change anything, either. ^^

Did you take it as an offense, or as me attacking you? Hah.

Oh, and do you actually want me to close the thread? o.ó

I don't really care about sarcasm, so yeah, I might actually do it if you ask me.

Vavavoom ♣
September 2nd, 2007, 04:52 PM
Do you think that your edits will have an effect on me?... Not at all, for your information. And as I said " Anyway, you may close the thread, now. I don't want the others to post here, anymore. ".

I hope you'll have fun locking my thread, Careful With That Axe, Pichu. :3

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 2nd, 2007, 05:13 PM
I hope you'll have fun locking my thread, Careful With That Axe, Pichu. :3

Not really, there is no fun in locking a good poem, even with your arrogant responses...

locked by request