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Fallen Angel_Messiah Of Black Roses
September 5th, 2007, 07:35 PM
Something to share with you.


Hello,
I am your nightmare, I am your dream;
I am the one who makes you scream.
I am your focus, I am your will;
I am your burning desire to kill.
I am the voice that laughs when you bleed;
I am the hunger you cannot feed.
I am the truth that you cannot find;
I am the dark twisted place in your mind.
I am the one who laughs by your bed;
I am the one who makes you dread.
I am your pain, I am your strife;
I have the power to end your life.
I am your eyes and I am your ears;
I am your dark, malevolent fears.
I am your anger, your evil, and your hate;

I grasp your sanity, I rule your fate.

I am your killer.

Richard Lynch
September 6th, 2007, 04:50 AM
I actually liked this. It has great rhythm (something you rarely see in modern poetry) and the fact that it rhymed, and rhymed well at that, makes me happy.

The only two issues I have, that don't really make much of a difference is that 1.) the rhyme scheme was slightly bland. I normally dislike rhyming in simple A,A because it becomes dull and repetitive. However, if you break it up into something like A,B,C,B then you have the chance to play around with it a bit more, and maybe throw a surprise at your readers. Of course, schemes like that work best in a narrative fashion. My favorite rhyme scheme of all time I've only ever seen in two poems, plus one I wrote: A,B,C,B,D,B. Check out Lewis Carrol's "The Walrus and the Carpenter", is my favorite poem of all time.

And 2.) is just a product of my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but when I write a poem, I pick a beat and follow it religiously. Like, 8 beats first line, 6 beats second line, 8 beats third line, 6 beats fourth line. And this poem didn't really follow any pattern, but it in no way depreciates it. I just feel a consistent beat makes the poem flow, and it becomes less jagged.

I liked this poem no matter what, though. Nice job!

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
September 6th, 2007, 04:14 PM
"I am the eggman, I am the eggman, I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!"

Really nice poem, great on mechanics and meter. The only thing I'm tired of is the recurring stereotypical words like "blood", "scream", "fears", "hate" & "dread", time to turn around and go for originality. You actually used two times the (almost prohibited in this aspect) word "dark". Nevertheless, the rhyme scheme is 5/5! It can be monotone(what gives?), you can always go for the surprise factor like Steel said, but you managed to pull it off it pretty well there anyway.