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Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
October 7th, 2007, 8:50 PM
Oak & the Songbird

A songbird, awaken, flew by, past a tree;
its leaves, as he noticed, were dying.
A gold vine was still, and mournfully free;
the petals, by fall, had been crying.

The bird, it was gentle, had landed to greet
a lungful of steel from the air;
it sung as it walked, it’s lyric to meet,
the minuet wept like a prayer.

The moth-eaten wood called forth for it, fated;
its words were a whisper of dust:
"The old hill did hold me for years on, I waited--
to part me from heaven you must."

The songbird did listen; it gazed at the cleaver,
dead branches still cradled on reason.
Should it have gone, or played a believer?
"My verve might depart upon treason,"

The timber had spoken, a creak from its wing
did echo its nonvocal thunder:
"my wisdom is classic, yet I am to bring
my reply to animal wonder."

"You merely have dreamt of the lead gates of death
imagine their caress mistaken;
your entity mine, in all but a breath
together make enmity shaken."

A silent light shone, the bird flew to heaven,
to give his frail being forever;
the wise men had known not its fate nor to leaven
whatever it chose to endeavor.

Thereafter the songbird had bustled with grace,
the old oak with logic had spoken;
this story remains, though, misled into space--
its closure, through balance, was broken.

The wise knew the answer at least, after all;
the leaves, in the end, had been laughing.
© 2007 Rolling Pichu

Notes: You can choose whether you see this or that as a metaphor, this is about psychological behavior and the classic mind versus heart and beauty.

Romance Hero
October 7th, 2007, 10:38 PM
if you want me to be honest with harsh criticism, i lost interest after the 6th stanza... It's definitely not a bad poem, and I say it definitely is a good poem, but there were no special points of interest. On other assets, you're poem does have creativity and structure. Maybe it's me, it just didn't catch my interest. Mine is only one opinion among many others to come.

I hope this doesnt seem like I'm hating on your poem. hehe, I mean some of the best stuff in the world is brought down by CRITICS.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
October 8th, 2007, 1:19 PM
Well, I almost got you through the whole poem, didn't I? Haha.

Interest is not a prime factor in my poetry. I don't watch or aim for that, honestly. I appreciate your opinion much, though-- don't be fooled.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
October 9th, 2007, 2:56 PM
>_< I disagree, it held my attention until the end.

I liked the imagery and the things(characters) you chose to get the meaning across.

It was really amazing~ and I enjoyed it very much. The wordchoice was the thing that was so so beautiful, and the way you chose to describe things was really captivating.

The style of it is really unique, in my opinion, as it seems you're describing more than one thing throughout the entire piece. It was kind of sad, but incredibly true and realistic. Maybe that's just how I interrpreted it.

Hrm, what else to say...
The Ending! It ends really nicely, even though it's so different from the beggining, it's a nice finish.

I could pin-point things that I thought worked really well with it, but the whole thing was pretty wonderful so you probably don't need me to. xD

._. well, nice poem. This is the first I've read of yours, believe it or not, but you are as good as they say~

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
October 15th, 2007, 7:12 PM
I appreciate the critique alot, MiSs~KoN. I'm glad you liked it, thank you.