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Richard Lynch
October 20th, 2007, 08:09 PM
This is probably the most awkward of all my poetry... and I usually don't share this one, for reasons even I don't understand. But perhaps a few people here will enjoy it, I'm not too sure. It's very lengthy, and very stylized - perhaps a bit too stylized. I consider it one of the best poems I've ever written, but it's nowhere near my favorite. I'd actually appreciate some feedback on this one, if anyone has enough time to read the whole thing! :)

It's a little tale on morality and trusting an apparent enemy, called...


The Fox and the Hares

The grass was wet from morning dew
The leaves were growing in
The bushes grew up nice and fat
The trees were tall and thin

The humans were out sunbathing
The bears were hunting trout
The birds were building up their nests
To help their babies sprout

A rabbit and his brother hare
Were going out to run
Their mother said to come right back
After they had their fun

They danced around the Willow Tree
They played their rabbit games
They wrestled like to bunnies would
And laughed with so few pains

They went on playing for some time
Until they heard a noise
They went and looked for what it was
Cu'ous as are two boys

They went on past the Willow Tree
As it loomed overhead
It was so large, it blocked the sun
(They thought it time for bed!)

The two of them heard noise again
It sounded like a cry
They thought something would need their help
And they would surly try

Down past the crooked Willow Tree
They found a crying Fox
And on his back he held his arm
As if he fell on rocks

"Oh, help me please," the Fox beseeched
"I fell down from the bank
If you could just give me a hand,
You two I’d truly thank."

The two young rabbits thought a bit
About what Mother said
They if they came across a fox
They surly would be dead

"My two dear friends," the Fox then said,
"I mean you both no harm
I merely want a place to rest
And heal my hurting arm."

"We know you not," the rabbits said,
"To us you are quite strange
There is the fear of eating us,
So how could we arrange?"

"My two dear friends," the Fox then said,
"You blame me of false sin!
Indeed I have sharp teeth on me
But they show in a grin!"

"We know you not," the rabbits said,
"This all could be a lie!
So how then could we really see
You with a trusting eye?"

"My two dear friends," the Fox then said,
"I can't convince you more
I promise you I'll do no harm
Do not believe the lore."

The rabbits could not leave him here
They had to take him with
Their Mother's words, to them, right now,
Had turned into a myth

They carried the Fox all the way
Back to the Rabbit Hole
They sat him down and fixed him up
Some hot tea and a roll

When Mother Hare came in and saw
The Fox was sitting here
She dropped her bag and pulled her hair
While screaming in pure fear

But the two brothers calmed her down
And showed the Fox was kind
The Mother sat down with them
In order to unwind

They talked and mingled, through and through
The most unlikely pair
For who could think in twenty years
A fox would talk to hare?

"Let us discuss," the Fox then said,
"What we shall have to eat!
Let’s have nothing from the garden,
I'm the mood for meat!"

"You don't mean us!" the rabbits cried,
Turning a little white,
"After we helped you out so much,
That just would not be right!"

"Don't worry now!" the Fox then said,
"A little dab will do
We'll add a little salt and spice
And make a tasty stew!"

"I'm sorry, friends," the Fox then said,
"If I offer you none
It won't be very long at all
Before the meal is done!"

"I'm sorry if I lead you on,
Will you please forgive me?"
But answer he heard not, because
He had eaten all three

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
October 20th, 2007, 09:04 PM
The heavy rhyme scheme doesn't go well with that length in my opinion... What I usually do with those is separate them into movements or so (i.e. A Different Tune) but it's a good poem.

The choice of words was subtly synthetic, but it's alright as a whole. Nice one, RS.

Also, the punctuation is not constant.

Romance Hero
October 20th, 2007, 09:16 PM
Jeez richard, haha the climax should be SHORT and sudden, usually. But nonetheless I enjoyed it, and as the Mod said, it's kind of hard to spread quality over such a long poem. Great read though.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
October 24th, 2007, 08:23 PM
That was… really long. But I liked it! The ending was really sad, but very strait-forward.

>> It really shows the harm in trusting something as rare as friendship. I actually hated the whole message. Nice building up to the finale though.

I love the opening, it sets the picture beautifully~
Actually this poem would be awesome to illustrate! 0w0 Such cute descriptions really, it reminded me of Bambi, lol or a book entitled “Guess How Much I Love You”… OR the briar Rabbit fairy tale. (heh, yeah, it reminded me of a lot of things .-.)

I caught a few spelling mistakes/Typos for you~

They wrestled like to bunnies would <-- [“To” should be “Two”] =x
They if they came across a fox <-- [First “they” should be “That”]
I'm the mood for meat!" <-- [I think there should be an “in” in there, after I’m.]

<3 But they weren’t bad, it just jumbled the flow when I read it out.
I like the rhymes. And it was really easy to read, almost rolled off the tongue.

Arg, the fox… is a jerk. >-<

Nice poem really. Good work~ ^.^

Richard Lynch
October 24th, 2007, 08:41 PM
That was… really long. But I liked it! The ending was really sad, but very strait-forward.

>> It really shows the harm in trusting something as rare as friendship. I actually hated the whole message. Nice building up to the finale though.

I love the opening, it sets the picture beautifully~
Actually this poem would be awesome to illustrate! 0w0 Such cute descriptions really, it reminded me of Bambi, lol or a book entitled “Guess How Much I Love You”… OR the briar Rabbit fairy tale. (heh, yeah, it reminded me of a lot of things .-.)

I caught a few spelling mistakes/Typos for you~

They wrestled like to bunnies would <-- [“To” should be “Two”] =x
They if they came across a fox <-- [First “they” should be “That”]
I'm the mood for meat!" <-- [I think there should be an “in” in there, after I’m.]

<3 But they weren’t bad, it just jumbled the flow when I read it out.
I like the rhymes. And it was really easy to read, almost rolled off the tongue.

Arg, the fox… is a jerk. >-<

Nice poem really. Good work~ ^.^

Eh, I'm a Chemistry major, not an English major! XD haha, thanks for the points! I've read over this a few dozen times, and did not even see those.

And actually, the theme of this poem (the message) is something revisited... my very first poem (called "The Tragic Tale of Bob the Fly") had basically the exact same message. This one is just a lot longer, and a bit more elaborate... but "Bob the Fly" has the most awesome rhyme scheme.

But thanks for the comments! I forget if I posted my "Bob the Fly" poem (which, I shall say, is the only poem to ever be accepted for publication within my school!), but if I haven't posted it before, I could post it. I consider it my best and most fanciful poem.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
October 24th, 2007, 09:09 PM
Eh, I'm a Chemistry major, not an English major! XD haha, thanks for the points! I've read over this a few dozen times, and did not even see those.


But thanks for the comments! I forget if I posted my "Bob the Fly" poem (which, I shall say, is the only poem to ever be accepted for publication within my school!), but if I haven't posted it before, I could post it. I consider it my best and most fanciful poem.

0w0 You're totally welcome! .-. but I wasn't trying to make you feel bad with the typo thing!

=3 Awwe, I'd love to read it then! I love reading your stuff~ ^.^ I hope you decide to post it, and publication is a great feat. That's really exciting! x}

Lady Nicole
November 10th, 2007, 06:33 AM
This is incredible! I love the rhyming, it made me smile =D It's definitely my favourite one of your poems, it's just my sense of humour XD

It's addictive; I want to read it again =P