Viridian City High (Pearlshipping--PG13)

[Sweet Candace]

This is a sotry invovlving Ash and Dawn. It's a story about them and high school. Rated PG-13 for mild content

"Ash ! You'd better get up NOW !" Mrs. Ketchum hollered. Ash slowly got up out of bed and walked to the bathroom.
"Are you up yet ?" Mrs. Ketchum said
"Yeah, mom !" Ash replied from the bathroom. Ash put on his shirt and pants and ran down the stairs. Dawn and Mrs. Ketchum were sitting on the couch. As Ash moved towards the door, Dawn got up and moved toward the door as well
"Take care and a have a good day at school !" Mrs. Ketchum said
"Sure thing mom !" Ash replied, closing the door. Ash and Dawn hopped onto their bikes and zoomed toward Viridian City High School.

The Viridian City High School was a pretty decent school. The building was in good shape and everyone was waiting outside for Mr. Long, the principal to open the door. As Dawn and Ash walked from the bike channel. Mary and Joe ran up toward them
"Oh my god ! Dawn, your hair is beautiful !" Mary completmented
"Thanks, I spent a good hour on it" Dawn replied, stroking her hand through her blackish-blue hair
"Hey, Ash, you coming to practice ?" Joe questioned
"Yeah, the Rockets are going to beat Pewter High !" Ash boasted. Ash Ketchum was the starting QB for the Viridian City Rockets. While Dawn has the head cheerleader (yes, cheerleader). Mr. Long opened the door and the students filed into the school. Dawn and Ash had homeroom, 3rd and 4th peroid together. And every partner project, Ash would immideatly pair up with Dawn, forcing the teacher to keep them together every project. Dawn was a straight-A student, while Ash got solid A minuses.

--Homeroom--
Mrs. Langmeier was sitting at her desk as Dawn and Ash filed into the room. She moitioned them to come to her
"Yes, teach ?" Ash questioned
"Ash, please use proper English. Anyway, I want you to apply for Homecoming King and Queen" Mrs. Langmeier replied
"I like that idea ! Do you Ash ?" Dawn questioned
"What the hey, let's sign up !" Ash replied. Mrs. Langmeier gave them a piece of paper. Both wrote their names down on the paper and then they put it in the box in the main office. Then, the bell rang

Do you like my story so far ?

[Dogar The Brave]

just one thing..

when using exclamaition marks and question marks.. u dont do a space

[Luke]

Honestly, it's short and contains almost nothing but dialogue. There's no description whatsoever. It's boring and despite the fact that Dawn and Ash are well known characters, you still need to describe them. Some of us may have not seen the anime, so description of their appearance is necessary. So, to tell you the truth, no I don't like it. Needs lots of work.

[Sweet Candace]

Okay, I'll describe them:

Ash, 6'1", 165 lbs, thick, black hair, broad shoulders, and very athletic
Dawn, 5'10", 147 lbs, long, thick, blackish-blue hair, and very entergetic

Lord, I do put a space before I type a question mark or an exclamation point, it's just how I write

[Luke]

Not in a separate post. X.x; In the story itself. What I'm saying is that you need more "meat & potatoes" in your story. Your story just seems sloppy and rushed when it comes right down to it.

[Dogar The Brave]

but gramattically, im correct.. its also easier to read as well..

[Sweet Candace]

I'll give more detail in the next Chapter

[Usagi-Chan~]

i love it that teach sounds mean XD lol

[Sweet Candace]

I know, it's just a little gag I threw in there. But in this story, Ash needs Dawn as she's a straight-A student

[J-Rad]

its eveng Loquacity sayed, but any1 who knows ur personality could easily predict what is going to happen, some people liek that I don't really i LOVE reading stuff where there is suspense and u don't know what could happen next other than thats its prtetty decent...

[Astinus]

Lord is right about the exclamation points and question marks. You don't put a space before them. It's grammatically incorrect to do so, and being grammatically correct is better than just saying "that's how I write!", y'know? You're also missing a few full stops at the end of your sentences.

Hit the enter button twice to make a new paragraph. Otherwise, your story is squashed together and difficult to read.

This story is missing description. I don't know anything about what these characters look like, what they act like, what they feel. They just wake up and head to school and go through the school day like robots.

Tell us in the story what they look like. Don't just give the readers a list of physical attributes. Show the character's looks through action. Like "Ash decided not to comb his black hair. He like the wild style it adapted on its own." These two sentences show the reader that Ash has crazy black hair and that he doesn't really care about his appearance.

Tell us what they feel as they go through the day. Does Ash feel excited about the game against Pewter High? Does Dawn think that being with Ash as Homecoming Queen/King is romantic, or is she embarrassed that the teacher thought they would be good together?

Give us more of the personalities that they have in the show. You were on the right track by having Dawn spend an hour on her hair and having Ash boast that his team will win, but there's more to them than just that. Like how Ash is pretty much clueless when it comes to romance. And I really haven't watched the D/P series, so I can't help you out with Dawn.

I do have two questions though: What happened to Pikachu? And when did Dawn move to Pallet Town?

For now, however, just work on descriptions and fixing up your grammar. Good luck!

[Scytheteen]

For one, Ash and Dawn sound like a big Gary-Stu and Mary-Sue. Its all about "Look at me i'm perfect and your not." And since when does a teacher recommend two people to be the king and queen? You didn't describe what Ash Dawn whoever this Mary person is and the teacher. When Mary says "Your hair is beautiful" why not say why her hair is beautiful? Is it straight or is it curly, does it have highlights, did she dye it, things like that will make the reader more interested.
Secondly, Lord is right about the punctuation. Saying thats how you write is a poor excuse for it. Its grammaticlly incorrect and not a style of writing. I didn't know it was such a stress to not hit the space bar when doing that, non?
Also, reflect upon what hanako and everyone else is telling you, it will help a lot.
One more thing, make your chapters a lot longer. You basiclly just took three paragraphs and schlocky dialogue and put them together to make a chapter. Also, you gave us the setting for the third paragraph. No. I lost interest when I saw that. Instead of writing:

--homeroom--

right something like:

Ash and Dawn stepped into homeroom and they got nervous because their homeroom teacher was mean and hated them. (just don't copy and paste because that was horrible xD)

I hope this helps, and with a lot of improvement, your story can find its way out of the RB