Giovanni's new plot

[xxspeedy101]

well first off i would like to state that this is my first fanfic ever! read and review and tell me wether i should give up or keep going.


prologue...

Some were dark under the viridian gym. sitting at a table was Giovanni wearing his trademark suit with the team rocket logo on it and of course his Persian, standing besides him was a slim man wearing a lab coat, a name tag saying Professor.Nick, glasses, and with a stack of papers and charts as well as a few pictures of different Pokemon scattered across the table.

"So you see Giovanni the machine's power outp-" Nick was cut of by a angered Giovanni.

"Enough!!! does the machine work or not!?" Giovanni asked smashing his hands against the table showing he was no longer interested in the technical details. He had invested enough money and time into this project and he just wanted to see results!

"Well..., it's easier if i show you"Nick said while reaching into his coat pocket and taking out a poke ball. He pressed the white button on it and out came a beam of red light that materialized into a feebas, but this feebas was different it was purple and looked much stronger than any other Giovanni had seen before. "tackle" commanded the scientist while pointing at the wall. After a splashing head start, the feebas threw himself at the wall a few momments later there was a huge hole in the wall were the feebas had hit. "you see?" nick asked while recalling his feebas into his poke-ball.

"Hmm, yes, but why is it purple?" asked Giovanni looking straight at nick with a look that just yelled "it better no be broken!"

"This was anticipated based on our previous experiments. Any Pokemon being put into the machine will indeed have it's stats raised to it's maximum as to the purpose of the machine but they will also change into what most trainers are now beginning to call shiny, this however is just a side effect and does not effect the Pokemon in anyway. The machine is ready and operational."

"Perfect!" yelled Giovanni making the scientist flinch. As Giovanni sat there with a evil smile he could no longer contain he quickly ordered "start the enhancing process on all high ranking rocket members' Pokemon, but first start with these" Giovanni commanded while reaching into his jacket pocket and taking out six poke-balls and handing them to Nick."soon with our highest ranking members even stronger all the regions will fall to there knees before me! as well as any legendary Pokemon within those regions of course" laughed Giovanni not even noticing that the scientist had left the room to begin enhancing the Pokemon given to him

[Astinus]

Moving this into the Bin.

You need to improve your grammar, like starting each sentence with a capital letter. Capitalization is also given for the pronoun "I" and proper names. There are also confusing sentences, like "the nick" being used, when you don't really need the "the" before "Nick". It just makes it difficult to read and understand.

Eh, I would say to add a bit more description. (Like, Nick says Tackle and all of a sudden there's a hole in the wall? Can we see Feebas perform the action?)

You're not too far off from staying out of the Bin, but there needs to be better grammar, which you will be reviewed in at the Bin.

[xxspeedy101]

oops, sorry those mistakes were... stupid on my part and i have fixed most of them (I think). any one else have any edvice?

[Thesis]

Hmm.... for one, I'd say that this story's plot sounds suspiciously like Glajummy's already written "Shining Nightmare" at this point. Shiny Pokemon with superior powers are created by the bad guys to take over the world. I mean, even the whole thing about the tackling making a hole in the wall occurs in that fic (which was written before this one if I am not mistaken). You'll have to be very careful to avoid ripping anything else off from it, intentionally or no.

As Hanako-sama said, you need much better grammar (on which there is a lovely stickied thread here). I mean, you've still got wonky sentences, like this one for instance.

"Well..., it's easier if i show you"Nick said while reaching into his coat pocket and taking out a poke ball. He pressed the white button on it and out came a beam of red light that materialized into a feebas, but this feebas was different it was purple and looked much stronger than any other Giovanni had seen before. "tackle" commanded the scientist while pointing at the wall. After a splashing head start, the feebas threw himself at the wall a few momments later there was a huge hole in the wall were the feebas had hit. "you see?" nick asked while recalling his feebas into his poke-ball.


Aside from the run-on sentences, you've got quite a few unfixed errors which I took the time to highlight (spelling and capitalization mostly). Your fic needs a bit more revision, I'd say.

[xxspeedy101]

Really? Do you mind giving me a link, I don't think Ive read it? and I really don't want to be a rip off... now im sad I thought my story was special and I feel like I'm stealing sombody's story. awww :(

[Thesis]

Heh, it's okay. The story is here, just look through the fanfiction section's first page. Granted, Glajummy's story is pretty well fleshed out and has a slightly different setting than yours, but the basic bad guy plot is the same. I just thought it was odd that both of you began the story in the same way is all. I suggest reading "Shining Nightmare" in order to preclude anything else that would look ridiculously similar.

[xxspeedy101]

Heh, it's okay. The story is here, just look through the fanfiction section's first page. Granted, Glajummy's story is pretty well fleshed out and has a slightly different setting than yours, but the basic bad guy plot is the same. I just thought it was odd that both of you began the story in the same way is all. I suggest reading "Shining Nightmare" in order to preclude anything else that would look ridiculously similar. Alright! will do and thanks for the help. I've decided to start using a new program so hopefully most of those grammer errors won't be there in the furture.