View Full Version : Playing 'Fresh Start' Over and Over and Over

December 22nd, 2007, 11:59 PM
Poem: Playing 'Fresh Start' Over and Over and Over
** Profanity that I'm assuming might be stripped out. Read at your own prerogative. I'd like an extremely harsh critic just to go through this and tell me what's absolute crap so that I can do better edits and learn. So yeah.

I promise you I tried,
Just maybe a bit too hard.
And now it's all over.
Grab me my coat,
I'm heading home.

If only life could be
That simple.
I wish I could simply
Start over.
And if I got my wish,
I think it would be best,
If we said our goodbyes,
Right now.

So shake my hand
And kiss my cheek
We might meet again,
Some other week.
But babe I'm leaving you.
I'm heading out of town.

Don't look for me
Not now, just wait a bit.
Let me come to grips
With this new world.

I'm hating every single second,
Of everytime I look down that hall.
So give me a break please,
Just let me take my leave.

What the **** is wrong with me?
What the **** is wrong with them?
Answers I may never know,
But it's the questions
That plague me.

So I'm wiping the slate clean.
But gotta dump the old.
You'll always be a dear old friend,
In faded photograph.

Maybe I'll think of you
Years later in a new life.
But now you're just reminding me
Of failures I relive
And again.

So goodbye everyone,
Don't miss me much-
I know you won't.
Maybe I'll miss you though,
In time. (Just give me time)
I don't think so.

REDLINES would be killer for this one. As an actual aspiring poet who needs to learn, it would help me a lot to cut up my piece and show me exactly what I'm doing wrong. Thanks <3

January 5th, 2008, 3:55 PM
Well, in my opinion, there is no wrong way to write a poem. You *can* always stray from using the same basic words over again, and try to variate with your vocab..

I don't really see anything wrong with this poem. If you want some constructive criticism, (and not to offend), but while the writing is actually nicely done, the overall plot of this piece seems rather generic.

Generic in the sense that it lacks substance, and can be fleshed out a bit more. Leaves more questions than answers. After reading it, I still have no clue why the protagonist is leaving his lover(?).. What problems did she give him? The only thing I can infer is that a male is leaving his lover for reasons unknown..

How many poems do you think have been written about a similar subject, eh? Give yours a unique flavor. ;9 You already have the vocabulary for it, though it wouldn't ever hurt to learn new words..