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View Full Version : The Poke'mon DON (PG 13+)


изм
December 26th, 2007, 01:37 AM
Hello hiya :D i am TotoMud For those Who don't Know mE...
well this is my first try on Fan-fic so i guess i'll need Ranting and Raving and CC+.

P.s:The activites shown in this fic are human like but are represented through pokemon so if anyone gets offended due to the activities shown in this fic then my apologies.

Enjoy :D ^^

The Poke'mon DON.
let the chase begin....



Plot:
In 2007,illegal poke'block drug trades are booming.The Viridian Intelligence and The Anti Narcotic Department are called upon for assistance by their Fortree Counterparts.There are rumors that the drug gang has recently shifted their headquarters to Lilycove city.
The Fortree Team's Is Headed by Ex.Sceptile who wants to break the back of the drug operation of a drug lord Named Gengar.
Also Helping Sceptile is his assistant Venasaur.
Sceptile Believes That Capturing Gengar's Most Dangerous And Elusive Lieutenant DON ( Totodile ), Will be the most effective way of accomplishing victory.
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<<Chapter 1>>
------------
The Beginning
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Viridian City>>Morning>>11.00>>

It was a Bright morning in viridian city..
every one were looking very enthusiastic..
just at the nose of viridian city was a restaurant..
Welcome to The viri Restaurant sir,Said the Buizel To a Poke'mon with a slick apperance... he had a black shade all over him ..
a black coat-black specs-black gloves-and shoes.
Thank You .. He said with a grinn... he sat down on a chair far from the other customers.. he kept his Pokegear on the table..
Triing Triing... suddenly his pokegear rang
he picked it up with a different kind of persona..

''Don'',HE said...

>>Do you remember what to do??, get the poke'money from That machop we are giving him 3000grams of poke'block drugs<<

I Know everything.. Meowth. just waiting for his ring...

>>Ok do the job carefully<<

Another ring came up.. He picked up th Gear... suddenly he stood up and went in his car..while his car sped... he looked out to see the environment.. flying spearows.. and many pokemon peds walking up and down... he reached the destination.

as he came out of the car.. with a bag held in his hands he entered the 103 Opal House apartment...
The apartment was very odd type.. however there was music in some chambers.. female nidorino's were dancing on the tunes.. The Don.. started to dance too.. trying to flirt with one or two..
Some hitmonlees greeted him and led him to a door.. as soon as he came to the door where he had to carry out his deals.. a hitmonchan stopped him and started checking him.. and he grinned.. he removed his gloves and his pokegun and gave it to the hitmonchan... after that he removed his specs.. and while giving him he said.. Keep it ..
pointing as if it was a mock..the hitmonchan kept his belongings in a shelf.

he entered the room and sat on the table where Machop and his another assistant machop sat..
the machop said

''Have you got my drugs''??

No Machop i have come over here to give my birthday invitation..
now where is my money??

giving the bag of drugs..

oh,ofcourse please so him his money ..
the another machop showed a gun to him and told him to put his hands up..

Oh sheesh a gun??

you think you are smart Don?? but not this time ... this time i keep both the money as well as the drugs.. now keep you're hands up..

No..

the another machop shouted "keep your hands uP!!

Relax sweetheart i didn't keep my hands up just because you didn't say me please..

pleaaaseeee don put your hands up.. the machop said giving a mock..

Don kept his hands up but folded to his heads...

What Will You do Know?? Huh Don little totodile will die know ha ha ha ha..

as machop laughed
Don activated a button in his watch to blow up the specs which he weared..
the shelf in which don's belongings were kept blew of with a great boom....
the hitmonchan blew away too.. bleeding badly..
the machops distracted..
don took his turn..
he gave a takedown to the machop holding the gun..
and then stood up with chaos in all chambers.. hitmonlees came running to him... he first gave a takedown and a water pulse .... all hitmonlees.. were defeated in a blow..

you are dead know DON!!'' said the surviving machop holding the gun in his pointing towards don...

Don however frisked him and took the gun in his hand ..

don't shoot !! don't shoot !! '' said the machop ''
''if you shoot me, my gang won't leave you!! you will get killed Don!! You will get killed!!

Sorry Machop..
Getting hold of DON isn't only difficult It's Impossible..
and Bam!
----------------------

This was just the beginning so you people must have not understood most of the things... however you can always give me you're views..

PB
December 26th, 2007, 03:23 AM
Its quite strange, the diffrent fonts and coulors make it difficult to read and the story lacks description and sometimes speech marks.

Devil_Silver
December 26th, 2007, 03:52 AM
Good thing man, keep it up!

Lunar Fang
December 26th, 2007, 07:33 AM
You got real skill, I say keep it up too.

изм
December 27th, 2007, 12:19 AM
Ok thank you people ~~
i am currently working on the 2nd chapter i know my writing isn't that good..
i'll try to give descriptions from now on..
anyone else?

Kaboom
December 27th, 2007, 12:41 AM
A few comments here.

- Your captialisation is screwy. Pokemon's names should be capitalised.
- Pokemon names are invariable so, one Hitmonlee, some Hitmonlee.
- A female Nidorino is a Nidorina.
- Drop some of the colours, it distracts from the story.
- I can't tell who's talking when. You need quote marks and tags.

I don't like the story all that much either, but it's the sort of thing that could turn out to be interesting...

Astinus
December 27th, 2007, 01:58 AM
Could you please do everyone a favor and change the font to the forum's default and drop the colors? I can't see the peachy colored font that well since my skin is mainly white and it all just blends in. Not to mention that I've been staring at a five-inch screen for hours, and my eyes are tired. One of the basic rules of typing your story is to use a font that everyone can read, and the forum's default is one such font. Use it, and try to avoid the colors in your fanfiction. I really don't care if your normal posts are in different colors or in different fonts, but fanfiction really needs to be left alone.

Next, work on the grammar a bit. The way that you wrote the dialogue in this fanfic makes me wonder if English is your first language, with the simple basic rules of English grammar you broke. Like here:

every one were looking very enthusiastic..
Everyone "were"? Just reading that makes me cringe, since it is supposed to be "everyone was". It's just a mistake that made me stop reading this because it's so difficult to read. It sounds harsh, but without basic grammar, like quotation marks around dialogue for instance, it's too hard to read anything.

There's a lot to cover here. You really need help in grammar. A few pointers I can give you now: Capitalize the first letter of each sentence, the first letter of proper nouns (like names), and the pronoun "I". For now, just use quotation marks to separate dialogue from narration. This means no double arrows. And all sentences need proper punctuation, including ending marks.

I know that you need some good real concrit, but I'm not going to move you into the Bin, since the Bin is dead. I'll leave you out here where anyone can review your story. And I wouldn't listen to reviewers like Lone Zambato and Devil_Silver, since this is your first fanfiction, and you're bound to make some mistakes. And they didn't help you much with improving, did they?

I will say that you shouldn't abandon your story. You have a good story buried here under the weak grammar, but if you listen to the advice given to you, then you'll improve. And more people will read your story if you fix the basics.

Good luck, and let me know if you need any help.

Binary
December 27th, 2007, 06:42 AM
Nice, I like the intro, it is well done, but you could make the speech in speech bubbles ("")

~Celebi

Avey
December 27th, 2007, 07:10 AM
Ok, this has... A nice plot, and it could be a brilliant fan fiction if you used proper grammar, such as speech marks, the same coloured and size font.

don't shoot !! don't shoot !! '' said the machop ''
''if you shoot me, my gang won't leave you!! you will get killed Don!! You will get killed!!

The speech marks are in the wrong places, and the capitalisation is wrong as well.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" Said the Machop. "If you shoot me, my gang won't leave you! You will get killed, Don! You will get killed!"

When your characters are speaking, you don't change font, you use speech marks.

Hi Guys! Joe said.
Or:

"Hi guys!" Joe said.

You see, it looks better, and it's grammatically correct.

Ok, I also see that you use random capitals on random words, such as:

Getting hold of DON isn't only difficult It's Impossible..

Why is that needed? It makes no sense at all.

Ok, my conclusion is:

This has a very good plot, probably because I am an avid fan of James Bond... But you don't have that much grammatical sense at all, so keep reading and learning English, and you'll get better.

изм
December 27th, 2007, 08:21 AM
Thank you guys for your reviews thanks Hanako Tabris.. i'd really wish to improve my grammar , thanks for explaining me i'll try to give my best for next chapter.

изм
December 29th, 2007, 09:10 AM
Sorry Guys Didn't Got an Update~
Again Thanks for your reviews i won't mess up with font again~~
lets move on to the second chapter now~~
i know my grammar won't get improved so soon but do read the chapter and review~~

--------------------------------------------

Ok so The Story Has Started Out...
Lets Move On To Next Chapter

--------------------------------------------



CHAPTER 2
~The Meeting~

Fortree Headquarters/Hoenn Region.

At The Fortree Headquarters A Meeting is in progess.
A Psyduck speaks up,"First Of all i would like to thank the poke'government' for the help",and i thank you people
that you have gathered over here from other Regions To Discuss such a serious matter.
Ok so moving on to the topic,
We have got reports from our secret pokemon officer Aggron that the Gang we are searching for has recently
shifted their base to Lilycove City.All the details will be given by our chief investigating officer Mister Sceptile.
"Sir,the psyduck said looking at sceptile.
Thank You Psyduck,said the sceptile,
getting up from his chair,he looks at all the pokemons present there and after pausing for some seconds he speaks up
,Gentlemen let me come to the point.Let me tell you all the information we have about this gang to you,Psyduck??
The psyduck looking at sceptile soon activates the projector and images flash up on the AV screen,
The room turns dark and sceptile speaks up.
In 1990 when major riots took place at Johto Region,the region got divided into many town and cities at
that moment of time selling poke'terrorists and fundamental groups the artilleries had become to easy for some pokemons.
Similarly like this a new empires boss name was Duskclops, the image of dusckclops flashes on the screen,
everyone look at the image, supposedly the image of 1990's , Sceptile speaks again,
"Because of the pressure of law when such empires begin to decline",
Duskclops had gone missing,for many years the poke'police searched for him and he was put in the
''Presumed Dead Category",but duskclops didn't die.. making his tone more serious..
Speaking up again,actually he had gone away to Sinnoh Region and all the poke'money
he earned in all this years by selling artilleries to terrorsits and fundamental groups were invested in Poke'block drugs by him.
By purchasing large amounts of poke'block drugs from the Regions of Kanto,Johto and Hoenn he decided to distribute them in Sinnoh
and started the new business ,in this trades Duskclops had two important hands for him
first one Allin and the second one Gengar.
Police till date never came to know who allin really is..no photographs and no one knows which
pokemon he is..and they even don't know where he is today,the possible reason for this.
flashing a image of Gengar and Duskclops...
Sceptile Points at the screen and says ..,this is gengar,pointing at his image,
"when duskclops was going to hand over all his responsibilities to allin.. gengar murdered duskclops..maybe allin got murdered too.. because after this incident no one actually came to know which pokemon allin actually was.. no records nothing.
Psyduck next image please,- a new image flashing up again -
the image which made all the pokemon hold their seats carefully the image of Don.(totodile)
Sceptile speaks up again"And this is Don",(pointing his image)who is handling gengars business over here,
out of all the information we have got one thing is confirmed that in all the gang members this pokemon is the most dangerous,
cunning and foxy little thing pokemon",lets hope to make this operation successful.

------------------------------------

Hey guys i know i am going really slow but sorry,
the coming chapters will have more of action and all..
ofcourse now you are free to critisize my second chapter.
until for the next update keep posting :D

------------------------------------

изм
December 29th, 2007, 09:15 AM
And sorry guys, the chapter became small maybe because i used a smaller font size however the fic is open for review

Kaboom
December 29th, 2007, 12:05 PM
Here it is, corrected:

CHAPTER 2
~The Meeting~

Fortree Headquarters/Hoenn Region.

At the Fortree Headquarters a meeting is in progess.
A Psyduck speaks up. "First of all I would like to thank the PokéGovernment for the help, and I thank you people for gathering here from other Regions to discuss such a serious matter.
"OK. So. Moving on to the topic, we have got reports from our secret Pokémon officer Aggron that the Gang we are searching for has recently shifted their base to Lilycove City. All the details will be given by our chief investigating officer Mister Sceptile. Sir?" the Psyduck said looking at Sceptile.

"Thank you Psyduck," said the Sceptile, getting up from his chair. He looks at all the Pokémon present there and after pausing for some seconds he speaks up. "Gentlemen, let me come to the point. I shall tell you all the information we have about this Gang. Psyduck?"
The Psyduck, looking at Sceptile, activates the projector and images flash up on the AV screen. The room turns dark and Sceptile continues. "In 1990, when major riots took place at Johto Region, the Region was divided into many towns and cities. At that time, selling artilleries to PokéTerrorists and fundamental groups had become easy for some Pokémon. Similarly, a new empire's boss's name was Dusclops."
The image of Dusclops flashes on the screen. Everyone looks at the image, supposedly the image of 1990's. Sceptile speaks again. "Because of the pressure of the law when such empires began to decline, Dusclops had gone missing. For many years the PokéPolice searched for him and he was put in the 'Presumed Dead Category', but Dusclops didn't die," he explained, making his tone more serious.
"Actually, he had gone away to the Sinnoh Region and all the PokéMoney he had earned during all these years by selling artilleries to terrorists and fundamental groups were invested in PokéBlock drugs. By purchasing large amounts of PokéBlock drugs from the Regions of Kanto, Johto and Hoenn he decided to distribute them in Sinnoh and started the new business. In these trades Dusclops had two important hands for him: Allin and Gengar. Police have as yet never come to know who Allin really is. No photographs and no one knows which Pokémon species he is, and they even don't know where he is today. The possible reason for this..."
Images of Gengar and Dusclops flashed on the screen. Sceptile points at the screen and continues. "This is Gengar," he says, pointing at his image. "When Dusclops was going to hand over all his responsibilities to Allin, Gengar murdered Dusclops. Maybe Allin was murdered too, because after this incident no one actually found out which Pokemon allin actually was. No records. Nothing. Psyduck next image please."
A new image flashes up. The image makes all the Pokémon hold their seats carefully: the image of Don.
Sceptile continues. "And this is Don, who is handling Gengar's business over here. Out of all the information we have got one thing is confirmed: in all the gang members this Pokémon is the most dangerous, cunning and foxy little thing. Let us hope to make this operation successful."

Editor's note: This took half an hour to edit! Hope it's better!
_________________________________________

What operation? No one mentions an operation!

Astinus
December 29th, 2007, 02:01 PM
Kaboom, it's nice that you fixed the chapter for him, but would you mind explaining a few mistakes that he made so he can learn and not make them again? Otherwise, it's just pointless.

TotoMud, good job on fixing the font! It's much easier to read now! =)

Here's another hint for typing chapters: Hit the Enter button twice to create a new paragraph. Like when someone else speaks, hit the Enter button twice to leave a space between paragraphs, making it even easier to read your fanfic.

You're still messing up on the capitalization. You only capitalize the pronoun "I", the names of proper places or things, and the first letter of a sentence. So Psyduck's dialogue would look more like this:

A Psyduck speaks up, "First of all I would like to thank the poke'government for the help, and I thank you people that you have gathered over here from other regions to discuss such a serious matter.

I also fixed your spacing issues. Make sure that there is a space after every comma, full stop, and any other punctuation you might use. Except for the starting quotation mark. That you don't need a space after.

We'll take grammar slow so you can improve at a slow pace. There's a lot to cover, and I don't want to overwhelm you. Good luck!

изм
December 29th, 2007, 10:02 PM
Kaboom, it's nice that you fixed the chapter for her, but would you mind explaining a few mistakes that she made so she can learn and not make them again? Otherwise, it's just pointless.

Thank you again well yeah i messed up so i'm trying harder for next chapters...
well one thing i'd like to say is that gee... i'm a male.:D

Silence
December 30th, 2007, 03:35 AM
Some things from all of your chapters so far that you may want to fix up:

You'll need to fix your capitalisation. A tip for this is always making the first word in a sentence begin with a capital letter, and when somebody begins speaking, the first word they say has a capital letter. There are a few exceptions to this, but you shouldn't worry about them yet. And whenever you write "i", "i'm", "i'll" or "i've", the i should be in caps, which means I.
Your font. This only happened in the first one, so you seem to have fixed it.
You need to use the quotation marks properly. Other people have touched on this, but remember to put them when somebody begins speaking and again when they stop. Mind you, the phrase he said, for example, is not part of the person/Pokemon speaking.
In regards to Pokemon names, they are invariable, which means that instead of writing some Hitmonlees, it's still some Hitmonlee. Sort of like how you don't say some Pokemons. And a female Nidorino is a Nidorina.

These are just some of the things to point out, but remember that good writing comes with patience, and you definitely have potential in you. I like how instead of drugs you used the concept of Poké Blocks. But keep it up, and don't be pulled down by any of this constructive criticism. After all, it's just there to help.