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little_angel514
January 12th, 2008, 12:35 PM
Have you ever went on a journey where you met many of the world's most greatest Pokemon? What's a Pokemon journey, by the way? A Pokemon journey is reserved for kids ages 10 and up who go on quests to become the champion of the world. You can choose to be a contest coordinator, gym badge collector, and more! Well, what are you waiting for! Let's cease the talking and get onto my story! Comments are welcome--duh! ^^

Behold...........




Journey of a Life Time: Sinnoh Legends
Written by Anonymous

Introduction
------------------
The thought of a new Pokemon journey or one that is yet to begin is like finding a whole cave of precious jewels and diamonds for Lindsey! Liz, along with friends will set off on a long and “memorable” journey, aiming to become the best. Along their adventure, they will encounter dangerous plots by the evil, legendary Pokemon, and an ever-lasting amount of fun and excitement. Liz’s journey will start now as it ends in other regions, say Hoenn! So behold the great story I shall tell about this one young lady!

Chapter 1
------------------
Rise and Shine! I woke up to the smell of fresh air, leaping into my bedroom. Today would be the day. The day I start my Pokemon journey! The day all my memories from my childhood begin to relive. The time has come, at last! I got up from my bed and looked out the window, seeing the beautiful mountains and the birds bathing in the little fountain below me. Here is a sign that this day will be full of luck and fun. “Liz! Are you in your clothes, yet? You need to get out of your pajamas!” my mom’s voice boomed through the echoing hallway, disturbing the beautiful sights and sounds I was seeing and hearing, breaking the silence. It all slowly faded away as a strict-looking mom stepped in.

“Look at your room! It’s usually so clean! And now that you’ve turned ten, you think that you can be so messy, don’t you! Well, you won’t be going anywhere past that door until all this is cleaned up!” she barked. Having a step-mom was miserable. She expected you to call her the lovely and soothing word of “mom” and simply acts like a devil. Why did she have to do this to poor me?

“Mom, I just had a sleepover the other day! Do you actually expect me to have it cleaned up in just one day? It was my birthday party with all my cousins yesterday!”

“Lindsey Hayes! If you don’t clean up this room and rinse your mouth so you won’t be talking back to me, you’re so not going to Professor Rowan’s lab today!”

“Fine! I guess it’s time you learned a lesson! Two can play at that game!” I murmured.

It was exactly 40 seconds later when I walked out into the dining room, dressed casually and not so “Miss Perfection” like my “so-called-mom” likes me. I looked cooler, wearing a cute pair of jeans and a little three-laced tank top. On my head was a cute little headband. Mom looked at me as if I was crazy for a moment, but then she looked pleased. Wait a minute, Mom being pleased?????? That was just odd! Totally odd! “Lindsey, so you’ve finally decided to come down for breakfast? We will be groundi….grounding…..Hahahah.” she laughed. “I cannot keep on holding my breath anymore! All these years, I only pretended to be mean and strict, wanting you to grow up being strong and responsible. But today, I cannot keep going! I have to laugh out loud! It’s too hard to keep on bossing you around! Oh, Dad and I have a little gift for you! It’s your own, new bike!” My eyes shone with amazement. This can’t be actually happening. That was when I had the urge to run up and hug her. Plus, Dad’s finally home from his trip to Paris!

“Good bye, Honey!” Mrs. Hayes waved, along with her husband, as I got onto my brand-new teal bike. This is going to be great! I’m heading to Twinleaf Town, finally, and is about to start my Pokemon journey! What was about to behold was yet to come. But little did I know, above me stood two snow-white clouds, in the shape of Palkia and Dialga. If I’d seen that earlier, I would have known that this one day would be the best of them all! Oh, am I excited about what lies ahead of me! ^___^



***Stay tuned for the upcoming chapter!

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
January 12th, 2008, 04:21 PM
I've gone through your story and I've done some grammar corrections for you. They appear in bold below.


Journey of a Life Time: Sinnoh Legends
Written by Anonymous

Prologue
------------------
The thought of a new Pokemon journey or one that is yet to begin is like finding a whole cave of precious jewels and diamonds for Lindsey! Liz, along with friends will set off on a long and “memorable” journey, aiming to become the best. Along their adventure, they will encounter dangerous plots by the evil, legendary Pokemon, and an ever-lasting amount of fun and excitement. Liz’s journey will start now as it ends in other regions, say Hoenn! So behold the great story I shall tell about this one young lady!

Chapter 1
------------------
Rise and Shine! I woke up to the smell of fresh air, leaping into my bedroom. Today would be the day. The day I start my Pokemon journey! The day all my memories from my childhood begin to relive. The time has come, at last! I got up from my bed and looked out the window, seeing the beautiful mountains and the birds bathing in the little fountain below me. Here was a sign that this day will be full of luck and fun. “Liz! Are you in your clothes, yet? You need to get out of your pajamas!” my mom’s voice boomed through the echoing hallway, disturbing the beautiful sights and sounds I was seeing and hearing, breaking the silence. It all slowly faded away as my strict-looking mom stepped in.

“Look at your room! It’s usually so clean! And now that you’ve turned ten, you think that you can be so messy, don’t you! Well, you won’t be going anywhere past that door until all this is cleaned up!” she barked. Having a step-mom was miserable. She expected you to call her the lovely and soothing word of “mom” and simply acts like a devil. Why did she have to do this to poor me?

“Mom, I just had a sleepover the other day! Do you actually expect me to have it cleaned up in just one day? It was my birthday party with all my cousins yesterday!”

“Lindsey Hayes! If you don’t clean up this room and rinse your mouth so you won’t be talking back to me, you’re so not going to Professor Rowan’s lab today!”

“Fine! I guess it’s time you learned a lesson! Two can play at that game!” I murmured.

It was exactly forty seconds later when I walked out into the dining room, dressed casually and not so “Miss Perfection” like my “so-called-mom” likes me. I looked cooler, wearing a cute pair of jeans and a little three-laced tank top. On my head was a cute little headband. Mom looked at me as if I was crazy for a moment, but then she looked pleased. Wait a minute, Mom being pleased?????? That was just odd! Totally odd! “Lindsey, so you’ve finally decided to come down for breakfast? We will be groundi….grounding…..Hahahah.” she laughed. “I cannot keep on holding my breath anymore! All these years, I only pretended to be mean and strict, wanting you to grow up being strong and responsible. But today, I cannot keep going! I have to laugh out loud! It’s too hard to keep on bossing you around! Oh, Dad and I have a little gift for you! It’s your own, new bike!” My eyes shone with amazement. This couldn’t be actually happening. That was when I had the urge to run up and hug her. Plus, Dad was finally home from his trip to Paris!

“Good bye, Honey!” Mrs. Hayes waved, along with her husband, as I got onto my brand-new teal bike. This was going to be great! I’m heading to Twinleaf Town, finally, and I'm about to start my Pokemon journey! What was about to behold was yet to come. But little did I know, above me stood two snow-white clouds, in the shape of Palkia and Dialga. If I’d seen that earlier, I would have known that this one day would be the best of them all! Oh, am I excited about what lies ahead of me! ^___^

Well, it's not too bad; however there were a few things I noted about it.

First, the prologue isn't really a prologue, more of a really brief introduction. A prologue should be something interesting or suspenseful, something to draw in readers.

Second, paragraphing works a little different on these forums. To properly separate the fic into paragraphs, you need to press Enter twice so there is a blank line between paragraphs. Also, whenever a new character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph.

Third, I find it interesting that you're writing in first person, but it is a harder point of view to write in. And there are a few places you mix up present and past tense. I changed most of them to past tense in my corrections above.

Next, you don't really describe your characters all that well, so I can't visualize what's going on. You don't need a whole lot of description, just enough so that readers can visualize the characters and scenery in their head.

Finally, a couple of plot-related things. First, the change in the stepmother's attitude just seemed... weird and abrupt. I don't know, the change just seemed strange to me. Secondly, so far you've got the standard journey-fic plot here. While I don't have a problem with journey fics, some other reviewers will warn you that they've seen this before. Basically, just make sure you try to add something truly unique to your story, so it stands out from everyone else's. And lastly, try making your chapters just a bit longer so more action and character development happens in the chapters.

With all that said, I do see a lot of potential with your fic and your writing. Good luck on the next chapter, and let me know if you want any help!

little_angel514
January 13th, 2008, 05:32 PM
Yeah, I guess I was a little too speedy on the typing, so I didn't go back and check, and I'm like, kinda new here, so....... But can you go a little less "harsh" on correcting, next time? ^^ You were a bit too harsh. But it's nothing.

Avey
January 13th, 2008, 06:23 PM
Yeah, I guess I was a little too speedy on the typing, so I didn't go back and check, and I'm like, kinda new here, so.......

So, what you're saying is, new members are unable to type properly?

But can you go a little less "harsh" on correcting, next time? ^^ You were a bit too harsh. But it's nothing.

If you want, I could give you a link to a website where they slag and mock your fic, so you'd realise that she wasn't being harsh, probably extremely nice seeing as no one else bothered commenting.

Right, aside from the typos, the odd personalities and flaws of human realism, you seem to have a decent plot, if this is one of those usual types of trainer meets legend and saves the day fic.

So, get your grammar right, type on Microsoft Word, and figure out the difference between a constructive review and a harsh review and you'll probably get somewhere with this.

Light Yagami
January 14th, 2008, 10:09 AM
I agree, the reviews here were nothing short of beautiful constructive criticism. Your grammar was attended to, the plot could be a little richer. Your chapter 1 is short, but sometimes it can't be helped. Like mine, so to remedy it, I added a chapter right along with it.

little_angel514
January 14th, 2008, 07:46 PM
So, what you're saying is, new members are unable to type properly?

What I'm saying is, I was a bit speedy on the typing, and I didn't know we were supposed to hit enter twice.

Avey
January 15th, 2008, 05:15 AM
What I'm saying is, I was a bit speedy on the typing,

Life lesson for you; rushed work is bad work.

and I didn't know we were supposed to hit enter twice.

You do now, don't you? Go and edit your first post.

Okay, write on Microsoft word, where it'll point out your spelling/tense/grammar mistakes if you make some, so you can correct it.

And, when you read this, please do explain why you ignored every part of my review and SharinganFlames' review, and only answered this?

So, what you're saying is, new members are unable to type properly?

little_angel514
January 17th, 2008, 06:19 PM
Okay, I have edited my first post. But I didn't edit everything. It's not like I had to change "a" mom to "my" mom! So you're not affended that I didn't change everything, are you? (I'm talking to DarkPersian479). Oh, and I have a tiny little question for you: Isn't the word passed and not past? Because I thought "past" means the opposite of future. ^^

And, when you read this, please do explain why you ignored every part of my review and SharinganFlames' review, and only answered this?


I so did not ignore SharinganFlames's post. I just didn't quite talk to him...or is it a her? Well, I'm not too sure! Not talking's fine and not against Pokecommunity rules, is it?

^_____^ I think I need to work on my writing---and do not comment on that! Hehe.