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Tr@ce
January 13th, 2008, 03:53 PM
I wrote this poem a long time ago... it won the editor's choice award in the international house of poetry...

~Sick

I honestly can't tell you how much
I wish your sickness would last forever
Pain to your soul is happiness to me
A miserable person on drugs and deprived
of happiness except when destroying
So I want your sickness to last.
Is there something wrong with that?
If being deprived makes you happy
killing, destroying…
I guess I'm doing us both a favor-
by poisoning you.
Maybe it'll make you better
Everything else has failed,
will poison be any better?
If it breaks you down
I suppose it'll be good for the world
One less to care for, one less to be suffered.
A wrath by a man
insane
crazed
lonely
depressed.
Cry all you want
I will show you no sympathy
for you have given me none.
And I don't care.
You’re already destroyed
In the darkness…

But there is hope!
A light shines......if only…
The light is red
A red pool of doom
Never mind that.....
There’s no escape.
And I won’t take action, Can't even try-
The sickness lies forever.

Copyright (R) 2007

PunkerThanThou
January 13th, 2008, 04:10 PM
...interesting. not my thing, but i definitely can feel what you're trying to say.
so let's get started.
i viewed this more as a stream of consciousness piece, meaning that it essentially flows from the mind- it gives a very clear sense as to how you are feeling and exactly what you're thinking. heres what i would have done- your theme here is sickness- i would have stressed that. you definitely explored your emotions, but they lack detail. explain the form of the sickness, what IS the sickness? give it a shape. create it.

Tr@ce
January 13th, 2008, 04:14 PM
Well, the sickness is actually alcoholism and nicotine, but I didn't want to put that directly into it. I wanted the reader to use their imagination to decide what it was, so it could appeal to a variety of readers, aswell as letting me express myself with words.

PunkerThanThou
January 13th, 2008, 04:16 PM
Well, the sickness is actually alcoholism and nicotine, but I didn't want to put that directly into it. I wanted the reader to use their imagination to decide what it was, so it could appeal to a variety of readers, aswell as letting me express myself with words.

ahhhh. leaving your ideas open to the reader is an excellent idea, and im glad you had the creativity to come up with that. i usually like being precise in my poetry, giving the reader my exact thoughts and how im feeling. but you do have some great potential.

Tr@ce
January 13th, 2008, 04:29 PM
Why thank you! It really means alot. I've read yours too, and it's fantastic.

PunkerThanThou
January 13th, 2008, 04:32 PM
Why thank you! It really means alot. I've read yours too, and it's fantastic.
thank YOU. :] any criticism would be greatly appreciated. we all want to grow, and i dont get much constructive help offline.