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AnimeDDR110
January 13th, 2008, 05:13 PM
The Pain

Its the pain
just the pain
only the pain
its killing me on the inside
and punching us on the outside

I want to avoid the cutting
but its not worth it
because i'm already
rotting away
what else could happen to me, or you?

I'm the one thats being bullied
i'm the one that kicks myself
when i'm dumb
i don't wanna change
but you really do

I am you
i am me
i am everyone that revolves around me
i'm the one that brings you to a stand
i am, your pain

PunkerThanThou
January 13th, 2008, 05:17 PM
hm. a bit depressing but nevertheless, you're young so your potential is thriving.

"I am you
i am me
i am everyone that revolves around me
i'm the one that brings you to a stand
i am, your pain"

that is pretty damn deep. but i think you lack the secondary emotions that come with pain- you describe vividly what is happening to you, why not describe how it feels to, for instance, try and restrain yourself from self harming? what does the pain feel like? give it color. a substance. :]

AnimeDDR110
January 14th, 2008, 02:59 PM
the main point of this was to spread this. notice at the last line of each stanza (except the 4th), talks about you getting pain. the pain in the end comes back to you, the reader.

PunkerThanThou
January 14th, 2008, 03:04 PM
the main point of this was to spread this. notice at the last line of each stanza (except the 4th), talks about you getting pain. the pain in the end comes back to you, the reader.

Yep. I got that. I'm just one of those people that expects a panorama, I like knowing exactly how the pain feels, what it is. But as I said, you did explain your emotions thoroughly.