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starfighter4892
January 17th, 2008, 02:07 AM
-Chapter One-

Darius was there, Twinleaf Town, Starting point for his next adventure. He held a firm grip onto his Dragonite as they slowed down and landed. "Return!" snapped Darius, the pokeball drawing out energy and pulling Dragonite back into the pokeball. He clipped the pokeball on to the back of his belt, then drawing down his coat.

Darius began walking, this was it the beginning of another journey. Suddenly out of nowhere, a boy crashed into Darius. "Watch were your going boy!" shouted Darius, who fixed himself up. "Whats wrong with you old man!?" muttered the boy, picking up his three pokeballs that fell from his bag. "Your a trainer?" asked Darius, with a evil smirk. "Yeah, 2 badges already" boasted the boy holding his pokeballs in his right hand. "Mind battling me?" asked Darius with question. "Okay, How much are you willing to bet" croaked the boy, whipping out his wallet. "6,000 pokeyen" snarled Darius, pulling out the folded notes from a hidden pocket in his coat.

"What!?, Thats all the money I have and it took me along time to win it" yelled the boy who stood back, grasping his wallet. "Okay...500 pokeyen" said Darius calmly, taking two notes out of the bundle in his left hand and popped the rest of his notes back in his pocket. "Deal!" smiled the boy. "I am Marcus by the way" said the boy who placed the 500 pokeyen into a small box in the middle of the battlefield. "Spare the talk...lets battle" muttered Darius.

"I will go first.....GO....Turtwig" ordered Marcus, throwing the pokeball and out popped out a small Turtwig. "Ha!, Go....Dragonite!" called Darius, a large Dragon emerging from the pokeball. The Turtwig began to shake in fright. "This is the beginning of the end for you, Marcus" laughed Darius.

iLike2EatPiez
January 19th, 2008, 06:20 PM
It lacks grammar and any description, but all the better for me to give some constructive critisism. I can see you at least must've tried. Here's some quoting to emphasize what you should do...

He held a firm grip onto his Dragonite as they slowed down and landed. "Return!" snapped Darius, the pokeball drawing out energy and pulling Dragonite back into the pokeball.

What does Dragonite look like? Where do they land? You said Twinleaf Town, but what does that look like, and where in the town? Near it in the woods? In the southern part of it? By a few houses? All of this should be answered. I'm guilty of this myself somtimes, but don't make your fic as if everyone knows what you're talking about. Think of it as if your readers knew almost nothing about Pokemon. For an example of how to achieve this without stopping your story or making it sound choppy, here's a better way to write it (but don't copy it):

He held a firm grip onto the yellow-gold scales of his Dragonite as the draconic creature slowed down and landed with a few powerful beats of its wings.

"Return!" snapped Darius, holding out a gleaming orb. The pokeball drew out a red flash of energy and pulled the now desentigrating Dragonite back into it.

This at least gives the readers the knowledge that Dragonite is a yellow Pokemon that looks like a dragon, and must be large enough to ride. More description can come later when Dragonite is sent out again, but notice how this flows better than getting into a whole paragraph or length of sentences telling all about Dragonite when you should be telling about what Darius and Dragonite are doing. On to the next paragraph.

Darius began walking, this was it the beginning of another journey. Suddenly out of nowhere, a boy crashed into Darius. "Watch were your going boy!" shouted Darius, who fixed himself up. "Whats wrong with you old man!?" muttered the boy, picking up his three pokeballs that fell from his bag. "Your a trainer?" asked Darius, with a evil smirk. "Yeah, 2 badges already" boasted the boy holding his pokeballs in his right hand. "Mind battling me?" asked Darius with question. "Okay, How much are you willing to bet" croaked the boy, whipping out his wallet. "6,000 pokeyen" snarled Darius, pulling out the folded notes from a hidden pocket in his coat.

Every time a different character speaks, they need a new paragraph. Therefor, this, for instance, would be written out:

Darius began walking, this was it the beginning of another journey. Suddenly out of nowhere, a boy crashed into Darius.

"Watch were your going boy!" shouted Darius, who fixed himself up.

"Whats wrong with you old man!?" muttered the boy, picking up his three pokeballs that fell from his bag.

"Your a trainer?" asked Darius, with a evil smirk.

"Yeah, 2 badges already" boasted the boy holding his pokeballs in his right hand.

"Mind battling me?" asked Darius with question.

"Okay, How much are you willing to bet" croaked the boy, whipping out his wallet.

"6,000 pokeyen" snarled Darius, pulling out the folded notes from a hidden pocket in his coat.

I know it looks longer, but it makes it much easier to read and understand, and it's a strict rule of any writing; just look at any book.


Okay. So with that, it could use some work, but I see that you have a different idea of a fic from most journey fics and a unique personality for your character. You also did try to fit some description in there. This has the potential to become a decent fanfic.

starfighter4892
January 19th, 2008, 06:44 PM
(Okay I will try harder on the next chapter)

-Chapter 2-

The golden Dragonite stood tall, towering over the innocent Turtwig. Onlookers of many ages came to watch the battle which was about to happen.

"Turtwig, tackle!" ordered Marcus, who was pointing out at Dragonite. Turtwig ran as its little legs would let it.

"Dragonite fly into the sky!" spat Darius, who had an evil grin on his face. Dragonite flew up into the blue sky where it hovered. Turtwig couldn't reach it so it went back in front of Marcus.

"Dragonite, hyperbeam" sneered Darius, as Dragonite gained a little more height in the air. Dragonite was charging a lot of energy from its mouth. Marcus began to feel sickness in the pit of his stomach as the energy was released from Dragonite in a large golden beam.

"Turtwig, dodge it and use solar beam" cried Marcus who was feeling worried for his Turtwig. Turtwig tried to get out of the way but was unsuccessful. The power from the beam knocked it off its feet and crashed meters, edging near Marcus's feet. "Turtwig...." whispered Marcus. Turtwig was struggling to its feet.

"Dragonite, hyperbeam again" snapped Darius. Dragonite was charging up. Marcus had to think of something or he would lose the match.

"Turtwig, use synthesis" muttered Marcus who began to feel a lot more nervous than before. Turtwig responded with a sparkle as Turtwig began to recover. Darius looked at Turtwig with evil eyes, he wanted that Turtwig out.

"Fire, Dragonite!" said Darius. The beam was larger and more powerful than before and it was heading faster, towards Turtwig who was in the midst of synthesis.

iLike2EatPiez
January 19th, 2008, 07:59 PM
Much better. Still, I found a few things that I'll point out, but it's getting there.

Turtwig, dodge it and use solar beam" cried Marcus who was feeling worried for his Turtwig.
"Turtwig, use synthesis" muttered Marcus who began to feel a lot more nervous than before.


Okay. This kid has only two badges, you said, right? He'd have to have trained a lot between those two badges for his small, unevolved Turtwig to pull off a powerful Solar Beam attack, or the experienced healing skill of Synthesis. Levels normally don't exist in fanfiction, but their concept serves as a guideline. So, if Marcus only recently obtained his Turtwig, and has only gotten so far as to obtain two badges with it, it seems only reasonable that unless he went through some sort of specific move-training efforts to develop these two moves specially and before the Turtwig should be experienced enough to grasp their concepts normally, his Turtwig should not be capable of using Solarbeam and/or Synthesis. If it were skilled enough to use those moves, then it would most likely also have lost much use for the move "Tackle" because it would have memorized stronger but similar moves such as a simple Headbutt or Take Down (though it doesn't learn those moves technically, they are simple enough for practically any Pokemon to be capable of using them).

Darius looked at Turtwig with evil eyes, he wanted that Turtwig out.

Darius looked at Turtwig with evil eyes. He wanted that Turtwig out.
^Make proper use of the period. For the proper feel, it works much better and is much more gramatically correct than a comma.

Also, you seem to use "Turtwig" too much. Here's a couple examples of how this can be replaced for the same meaning and effect, rewriting parts from the chapter:

"Turtwig, dodge it and use solar beam" cried Marcus who was feeling worried for his Pokemon.

"Turtwig, use synthesis" muttered Marcus who began to feel a lot more nervous than before. The turtle-like creature responded with a sparkle as it began to recover. Darius looked at his foe's Pokemon with evil eyes. He wanted that Turtwig out.

See the effect? Saying "Turtwig responded with a sparkle as Turtwig began to recover" is not just repetitive, but it confuses the reader, because normally the only reason you'd give a name twice in this way would be to show two different characters, such as if Dragonite had been told to recover and Turtwig was responding to its trainer with a sparkle. In any work of writing, pronouns such as "it", "he", "the -whatever it is you're talking about-", and the like are very important to be aware of.

starfighter4892
January 20th, 2008, 12:57 AM
(He hadn't been able to past the other trainers as Turtwig occasionally disobeyed orders. I will try EVEN harder this time).

-Chapter 3-

"Turtwig, snap out of it" croaked Marcus who was trying to get Turtwig out of synthesis. Turtwig didn't listen as he continued recovering. The beam taking a direct hit on Turtwig broke it out of its synthesis and knocking it hard into the ground, dust was everywhere.

"Dragonite, blow the dust away!" cried Darius. The large wings flapped harder and harder, pushing the dust away. Onlookers gasped in shock, Turtwig was still standing. The synthesis had worked.

"Great!, Go Turtwig, use solarbeam!" shouted Marcus, sweat building up on Marcus's face. Turtwig blasted a full solarbeam. The white glowing beam hit Dragonite, square in the chest. Dragonite landed and began to feel dizzy.

"Dragonite, return!" said Darius in shame. He held out the shining orb which drew out power and returned Dragonite back inside. Marcus was feeling a lot more confident than ever.

"Turtwig, synthesis" said Marcus, confidently. Turtwig nodded and began to shine. It recovered nicely just in time before Darius grabbed another pokeball.

"Come on out....Arcanine" said Darius, as the pokemon popped out of its pokeball as glowing figure. As the glow faded, Marcus saw the large pokemon. Arcanine growled at Turtwig which shuddered and stood back.

iLike2EatPiez
January 20th, 2008, 02:29 AM
Still about the same as last chapter (especially with the repetitive name thing). What's really crazy to me is that this kid, two badges, obviously a trainer who started a few months ago at most, with his unevolves Turtwig, managed to defeat Darius's Dragonite. I mean, according to what I can tell, Darius is an experienced trainer, this isn't his first region, and he's likely been through a lot worse of battles than this. If that's kinda the intention, so that Marcus will be showing that he's some sort of incredibly special, talented wonder-trainer, then that works well, but he must really have an incredibly powerful Turtwig to be actually getting anywhere against that kind of a Dragonite. Most Dragonites battling most Turtwigs would simply beat them down with one Wing Attack and it'd be over.

Can't expect not to get some constructive critisism; no fic is perfect.

starfighter4892
January 21st, 2008, 03:59 AM
-Chapter 4-

"Turtwig, rest up, return" said Marcus who withdrew Turtwig from battle. He pulled out a blue pokeball. "Time for some real competion, come on out Prinplup!" cried Marcus throwing out the blue orb. The ball opened up spurting out water...in a matter of seconds a medium to large sized penguin appeared.

"Arcanine flame wheel" said Darius who beginning to become impatient. Arcanine blasted large redish orange flames from its mouth, directed at Marcus! Prinplup, without command performed water-gun. The water extinguished the flame and soaked Arcanine. Darius twitched and became more impatient.

"Arcanine....Double Team!" roared Darius who was breathing hard. Arcanine cloned it self many times until there was 15 of them. Marcus wasn't going to go down to a greedy, self-centered man.

"Prinplup, water pulse!" shouted Marcus who laughed wickedly at Darius. Darius withdrew his Arcanine and ran over to the money. He took it quickly and ran through Twinleaf town. Enraged onlookers began booing him as he ran to the end of town and out into the wilderness. He turned and bumped into a boy with a pikachu.

"Hey mister!, watch where your goin" shouted the boy who dusted himself off. Darius looked under the cap of the trainer and realized it was the boy who beat him in the Elite Four in the Kanto region.