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Ashketcum212
January 21st, 2008, 11:56 AM
A True Pokemon Hero

Chapter 1: The Beginning of a Journey!
A boy named Travis was in his bed. Tommorrow was his 10th birthday. He would finally become a pokemon trainer.

"Travis, go to sleep! If your late your going to be in big trouble!" Travis' mom said walking into his room.

"But mom... I want to watch this cool Pokemon battle!" Travis yelled clutching the TV remote in his hand.

"Fine but..." his mom said trying to continue.

"...you let Jonas sleep late when he was turning ten!" Travis shouted.

Travis' mom left the room.

Travis flipped through the channels to see something else. He saw an awsome Pokemon Movie called "Pokejourney!".

"Hmmm... I guess I will watch this..." Travis mumbled.

At 10:23 PM, the phone rang.

Travis got up and went downstairs.

RRIIINNGGG!

He gently placed his hand on the phone and picked it up.

"Ummm... is this the Reffan House?" a voice said.

"Yes..." Travis said calmly.

"Is that you! Its me Jonas! Hi Travis!" the voice said.

"Jonas! Its me Travis! What are you doing?!" Travis yelled, thrilled to speak to his brother.

"Is mom awake? Im in Goldenrod City, Johto Region." Jonas said.

"You are in Johto! Why?!" Travis yelled.

"Just put mom on the phone, Travis..." Jonas said.

"Fine..." Travis said.

Travis dragged the phone in his hand.

"Mom wake up!" Travis said while shaking his mom's bed.

"What do you want Travis?! Go to sleep!" Travis' mom said.

"No, Jonas is on the phone!" Travis yelled.

"Jonas! Really?" his mom said her eyes lighting up.

"Yes mom... here..." Travis mumbled handing his mother the phone.

Travis' mom grabbed the phone.

Hello! Is it you Jonas?!" Travis' mom yelled.

All that was heard was a silence. No answer.

Tears floated down Travis' mom's face. Blood rised to her face. She was ANGRY.

She wiped her face and shut the phone.

"WHY DID YOU FOOL ME LIKE THAT?!" his mom said with her face as red as an apple.

"I didn't! He was really on the phone!" Travis yelled.

Travis ran up to his room and shut the door.

"I can't believe Jonas did that!" Travis mumbled pounding his Bulbasaur plushie on the wall.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Devil_Silver
January 21st, 2008, 12:00 PM
Good start, Ash, you should continue this!

Ashketcum212
January 21st, 2008, 12:02 PM
thanks! i accidently posted this twice!

Idle.
January 21st, 2008, 01:37 PM
Good start.Maybe something could happen the moment the mom answers the phone and she doesen't get to talk to him and she gets suspcicious?

Ashketcum212
January 21st, 2008, 01:42 PM
Good start.Maybe something could happen the moment the mom answers the phone and she doesen't get to talk to him and she gets suspcicious?

ok! thanx for the idea! great idea

devilsmaster
January 21st, 2008, 07:37 PM
Good job, keep it up. I m waitiing for ur next post.By the way ,I wanna to know how did u get this idea?

starfighter4892
January 22nd, 2008, 12:44 AM
Great, Fic. Well constructed, great detail.

alche
January 22nd, 2008, 06:31 AM
Very good, Keep it up boys~

Ashketcum212
January 22nd, 2008, 12:49 PM
Good job, keep it up. I m waitiing for ur next post.By the way ,I wanna to know how did u get this idea?

i dont really know how i got the idea... it just popped out of my head when I was thinking of the first ever episode of pokemon...

iLike2EatPiez
January 22nd, 2008, 03:06 PM
No offense, but honestly I don't see how the people replying are calling this all that great. Here's some critique...

A boy named Travis was in his bed. Tommorrow was his 10th birthday. He would finally become a pokemon trainer.

That's really not a good beginning. We need to find this out as you write the story, not as an intro.

A boy named Travis was in his bed. Tommorrow was his 10th birthday. He would finally become a pokemon trainer.


"Travis, go to sleep! If your late your going to be in big trouble!" Travis' mom said walking into his room.


"But mom... I want to watch this cool Pokemon battle!" Travis yelled clutching the TV remote in his hand.

Okay. So far, Travis is exactly like Ash. This is a major cliche and is looked down upon greatly by fanfiction writers and reviewers with at least a bit of experience.

"Is that you! Its me Jonas! Hi Travis!" the voice said.


"Jonas! Its me Travis! What are you doing?!" Travis yelled, thrilled to speak to his brother.

Why do they both answer in the same way? It's repetitive...

She wiped her face and shut the phone.

Shut the phone? How do you shut a phone? You can shut off a phone, but you can't shut a phone.

Tears floated down Travis' mom's face. Blood rised to her face.

Using "face" as the end of two sentences in a row is repetitive. Also, "rised" isn't a word. "Rose" is.

She was ANGRY.

Don't use caps to express that. Use italic, or bold.


You're really lacking enough description. Sure, it's got describing words and phrases stuffed in, but you need more than just a few good bits to make a good fic. What does Travis's room look like? Or the TV program? Or anything else? The way you can notice you need more description is when every paragraph is only one sentence/line. Also, your sentence fluency needs improvements. There are more than just one or two kinds of sentences you can create.

Miss Raichu
January 23rd, 2008, 03:06 PM
A True Pokemon Hero
Chapter 1: The Beginning of a Journey!
Wow, what a boring title. To be hounest the only reason I even clicked on this fic was because you had posted it twice.
Titles and Chapter titles are very important. They're the first thing a reader sees and it has to be good enough to lure them in and interest them.

A boy named Travis was in his bed. Tommorrow was his 10th birthday. He would finally become a pokemon trainer.
You should expand this sentence. Rather then just straight out saying "A boy names Travus was in his bed" try using descriptive words. Explain to us his room, his actions, his appearance or his feelings.


"Travis, go to sleep! If your late your going to be in big trouble!" Travis' mom said walking into his room.

"But mom... I want to watch this cool Pokemon battle!" Travis yelled clutching the TV remote in his hand.

"Fine but..." his mom said trying to continue.

"...you let Jonas sleep late when he was turning ten!" Travis shouted.

Try thinking up some better words to use. These are so... bland. There's no description or feelings. The characters and story so far seem flat and lame.
Travis' mom left the room.

Travis flipped through the channels to see something else. He saw an awesome Pokemon Movie called "Pokejourney!".
Just a small spelling mistake here.


"Hmmm... I guess I will watch this..." Travis mumbled.

At 10:23 PM, the phone rang. Travis got up and went downstairs. RRIIINNGGG! He gently placed his hand on the phone and picked it up.


"Ummm... is this the Reffan House?" a voice said.

"Yes..." Travis said calmly.

"Is that you! Its me Jonas! Hi Travis!" the voice said.

"Jonas! Its me Travis! What are you doing?!" Travis yelled, thrilled to speak to his brother.

So much happened in just a few sentences. Which by the way should not have had breaks in between them. Why doesn't his brother know what his own houses phone number is? And you're still using very boring words.

"Is mom awake? Im in Goldenrod City, Johto Region." Jonas said.

"You are in Johto! Why?!" Travis yelled.

Why is he yelling? Is he mad? Is he upset? We don't know! You need to explain a characters emotions. Just using the word 'yelled' does not explain much.

"Just put mom on the phone, Travis..." Jonas said.

"Fine..." Travis said.

Travis dragged the phone in his hand.

"Mom wake up!" Travis said while shaking his mom's bed.

"What do you want Travis?! Go to sleep!" Travis' mom said.

"No, Jonas is on the phone!" Travis yelled.

"Jonas! Really?" his mom said her eyes lighting up.

"Yes mom... here..." Travis mumbled handing his mother the phone.

Travis' mom grabbed the phone.

Hello! Is it you Jonas?!" Travis' mom yelled.
Blah blah blah. More boring dialog, I almost just gave up and stopped reading here.

All that was heard was a silence. No answer.

Tears floated down Travis' mom's face. Blood rised to her face. She was ANGRY.

She wiped her face and shut the phone.

"WHY DID YOU FOOL ME LIKE THAT?!" his mom said with her face as red as an apple.

First off the line "Blood rised to her face" didn't make sense. Angry should not have been capitalized. You should have used description and feelings to portray that she was angry, not the caps lock button.

"I didn't! He was really on the phone!" Travis yelled.

Travis ran up to his room and shut the door.

"I can't believe Jonas did that!" Travis mumbled pounding his Bulbasaur plushie on the wall.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Okay, all in all it was absolute garbage. I'm not trying to be mean, but the people who said this was good was lying. Rather then just lines of awkward conversation, try pulling your readers into the story more by using description. Really that is what your story is lacking.

The generic 10 year old trainer fic has been done to death. DEATH!
My personal opinion; scrap the whole thing and start over again.

Avey
January 23rd, 2008, 03:21 PM
Wow, what a boring title. To be hounest the only reason I even clicked on this fic was because you had posted it twice.
Titles and Chapter titles are very important. They're the first thing a reader sees and it has to be good enough to lure them in and interest them.

Okay, all in all it was absolute garbage. I'm not trying to be mean, but the people who said this was good was lying. Rather then just lines of awkward conversation, try pulling your readers into the story more by using description. Really that is what your story is lacking.

The generic 10 year old trainer fic has been done to death. DEATH!
My personal opinion; scrap the whole thing and start over again.

Your comments are funny, and although it might be horrible, I think the correct thing to do is five constructive critisism than just write off her work.

Telling her she has no skill at all is not cool; how's that going to help her self esteem, may I ask?

Minos Yewman
January 23rd, 2008, 03:27 PM
Some of you people! Go easy on her. This may be her first fanfic. Use constructive and HELPFUL comments.

Miss Raichu
January 23rd, 2008, 04:17 PM
Your comments are funny, and although it might be horrible, I think the correct thing to do is five constructive critisism than just write off her work.

Telling her she has no skill at all is not cool; how's that going to help her self esteem, may I ask?
It's about as constructive as it can get. I never said she has no skill. I just can't really find much to be positive about.
Just because I'm not willing to lie to some people about their work does not mean my comments are not constructive.
The best advice I've ever gotten was the advice that was hard to swallow. It might be a bit cruel, but in the end it's for the best.

Avey
January 23rd, 2008, 04:20 PM
It's about as constructive as it can get. I never said she has no skill. I just can't really find much to be positive about.

In all fairness, no one forced you to comment on this. The corrections you did were fine, why not just go with the textbook:

Oh, this could do with a lot of work, and lots of editing, but if you're willing to put it in, I'm sure this fan fic could go places!

Or, something along those lines.

Miss Raichu
January 23rd, 2008, 04:52 PM
In all fairness, no one forced you to comment on this. The corrections you did were fine, why not just go with the textbook:



Or, something along those lines.

I could have for sure sugar-coated it a bit more, I agree. But I'm just not like that 8D

Ashketcum212
January 28th, 2008, 02:08 PM
Some of you people! Go easy on her. This may be her first fanfic. Use constructive and HELPFUL comments.

Thanks for backing me up but, they are right...

Astinus
January 28th, 2008, 02:42 PM
Just because you receive constructive criticism doesn't mean that you should give up. Miss Raichu was only trying to help you improve your writing skills. (I don't agree with her "absolute garbage" comment. That was rather harsh.)

Instead of quitting and never writing another fanfic again, take a step back and look at the constructive comments you received. I say the constructive comments because those that only say "good write more" don't help you improve. And yes, there are matters that everyone needs to improve in, and having others tell you what they are helps you to grow as a writer. And accepting that criticism helps you to grow as a person.

When you posted this fic, you opened it to everyone's opinions. Miss Raichu gave you hers, and though it wasn't sugar-coated, it is helpful to you. Because another positive point to posting you fic is that you can learn from the reviews given to you.

So what I'm saying is that you shouldn't give up. You should listen to what you have been told and try to reach the next level of writing skill. It's like learning.

grandpokemonmaster
January 28th, 2008, 02:52 PM
Awesome job can't for the next one!