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Idle.
January 22nd, 2008, 12:07 PM
Chapter-1- Beginnings

Jake woke up suddenly.He had had one of the worst nightmares.He yawned and then grabbed the tv remote quickly.He switched through channels and then found a program that he liked.It showed Pokemon battles all day and that was what Jake loved watching.It was also his dream to battle and become Hoenn champion but he knew he wouldn't make it.He was in one of the smallest towns in Hoenn, Littleroot.Suddenly he heard his mum calling so he turned off the tv and headed downstairs to have breakfast.

'Bye Mum!' Jake shouted back happily.His mum had told him that today was the day that Jake would get a Pokemon of his own.He had already packed his bag incase he had to leave in short notice.He was making his way to Prof.Birch's lab to pick up his Pokemon.He ran part of the way but then stopped running and he then walked the rest of the way.He then reached Prof.Birch's lab.He immediately heard a call from inside the lab.'Come In Jake!' Prof.Birch shouted from inside the lab.

'Now Jake, your mum told me that you should finally get a Pokemon of your own.I have only 4 pokeballs with a Pokemon in each.I have labeled them so its easy to tell which is which.Now go and pick Jake, pick your first partner!' Prof.Birch said happily.He loved this part of the job because he liked seeing the children's choices.He watched Jake as he looked at all the pokeballs.

'I'll take this one Professor.' Jake said picking up the pokeball that was the third from the left.'Aaah, you choose Pichu as your first partner Jake?' Prof.Birch asked eyeing Jake carefully.'Yup!' Jake said almost hugging the pokeball.'Thats quite a good choice,now why don't you go home and show your mum your Pokemon? I have an errand I need you to do tommorrow so get some rest.' Prof.Birch said as he retreated into the garden of the lab.

Jake ran all the way back home.He had the pokeball safely in his pocket.'MUM!' he shouted happily.'Yes Jake?' His mum asked curiously as she poked her head out of the kitchen door.'I have a Pokemon!' Jake said releasing the Pichu from its ball.'Ooh Its soo cute!' His mum said as she picked the Pichu up.'Have you got a name for it?' Jake's mum asked curiously.'No..Not really' Jake answered carefully.'Oh, well I must nip to the shops and get some food for Pichu and some other things.Dinner will be ready when I get back.' Jake's mum said as she dressed up Pichu and walked out the door.

Avey
January 22nd, 2008, 01:43 PM
I'm going to review this when I have time but the last thing you said really caught my attention:

I will post the next chapter if I get good enough feedback.

Okay, I could be wrong, but from that I'm getting a Jester Girl impression (go back five or six pages and you'll find her fic), because she said that she would give up on her story if she got no reviews, I think five or six people replied to tell her that you never say something like that.

It looks horribly shallow, I'll tell you now. Don't ever do it. It really gives the readers a bad impression.

Idle.
January 22nd, 2008, 01:46 PM
>< Sorry, I didn't know it was the wrong thing to put.I'll edit it out.

iLike2EatPiez
January 22nd, 2008, 03:17 PM
Meh. You use "and" and "then" too much. Too short. Also, put a space after every period/exclamation point/quotation mark/comma/question mark. Otherwise...

He was in one of the smallest towns in Hoenn, Littleroot.
Not relevant. The rest of the paragraph is about Jake's dreams and the TV show that's making him think about them. Don' stuff in random information where it doesn't fit.

Suddenly he heard his mum calling so he turned off the tv and headed downstairs to have breakfast.

'Bye Mum!' Jake shouted back happily.

What happened to breakfast? How is Jake one second running downstairs to eat and the next leaving the house?

'I'll take this one Professor.' Jake said picking up the pokeball that was the third from the left.'Aaah, you choose Pichu as your first partner Jake?' Prof.Birch asked eyeing Jake carefully.'Yup!' Jake said almost hugging the pokeball.

How does he know it's Pichu? And even if he did, why does he choose it without even looking at the others? Shouldn't he be sending them out and looking at them rather than just grabbing one and deciding to take one?

'I have a Pokemon!' Jake said releasing the Pichu from its ball.'Ooh Its soo cute!' His mum said as she picked the Pichu up.

What does Pichu look like? You should always describe the Pokemon, especially in a place like this. A nice paragraph telling just how adorable Pichu is would work perfectly here, right after Jake sent it out.