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Usyl
January 26th, 2008, 02:29 PM
Mostly PG-13 but PG-16 in some places: romantical stuff, violence and strong language. BE WARNED.

Intro

The Beedrills were everywhere, a whole swarm of them. Tommy threw himself to the ground just as a Beedrill launched a pin missile attack, which went right above his head.
“Hahaha! You missed me!” Tommy shouted at the Beedrill before he got up and kept running.

Earlier this day he had gone into the woods in hope of catching a Pokemon.
Usually one get their Pokemon from Prof. Oak, but he had been late that day. Disappointed, he had gone home with the thought of having to wait yet another year. No, he would not, he would go into the woods and catch his very own, by hand.
“Heck yeah, that's an awesome idea!” he had thought, but now he was not so sure.

Tommy Jones was wearing jeans, a leather jacket and a golden ring. His hair was jet black and wild.

He could hear the buzzing of the Beedrills behind him and they were catching up.
In desperation, Tommy picked up a long stick, he held it in front of him, just like he had seen people do in movies.

He ran against the Beedrills with a terrific speed with his stick raised in the air. The Beedrills dived down at him with their needles dripping with poison. Right before the clinch, a loud roar tore through the buzzing. Embers were shooting through the air, hitting the Beedrills. They quickly fled the firey attack.

In the middle of the road, in front of Tommy stood a little orange lizard like pokemon, with a long tail and a flame on the end of it. He went down on one knee to eye level with the pokemon.

“Thank you,” Tommy stuttered, a bit surprised, “Hey, you’re a Charmander, aren’t ya?” The pokemon nodded in reply.
“Awesome, hey listen. I’m gonna set out on a journey to be the world’s greatest pokemon trainer, but I’ve got a problem, which is that I’ve got no pokemon. I thought that maybe you would like to be my very first pokemon. What do you say?”

“Chaaaaaaaaaarrr!” the pokemon replied in agreement.

Tomm smiled and took out one of his pokeballs. “Here you go,” he said. “This will be your pokeball,” He pushed the little button on the pokeball making it expand, before handing it to Charmander, which pushed the button again making it to open and absorbing the pokemon.

Tommy leaped into the air with the pokeball in one hand shouting “Yeah, I caught Charmander!”.

Rate/Hate the Introductory chapter of Tommy's Incredible Journeys.

lordledge
January 27th, 2008, 06:34 AM
Well you have the outline of a nice prologue but it comes across very rushed and lacking detail I'll give you a quick snippet of what it could be presented like:

Dozens upon dozens of Beedrill appeared before Tommy who turned trying to find a way out to see only disappointment, there was nowhere left for him to run. A blur shot across Tommy head, he threw his body to the ground as a fast of yellow and black shot past, a thin trail of dust following the distinctive buzzing sound.

"You missed me! Hahaha!" Tommy bellowed as he stood up brushing himself off a smug look on his face. The look was soon whipped away as all the Beedrill attacked together, ducking and weaving he found and opening and ran for it. Finally freeing himself from the circle of beedrill he fled, but Beedrill aren't Pokemon to be crossed without punishment, they followed him, jot on his tail as he run dodging the various pin missile attacks that came his way as he rounded a corner still following the never ending road.

Opening it like this would have helped make the fic a lot more exciting, remember to think of it like a movie and to describe a lot so we can see what you see. Good luck with your fic, it should turn out well if you do a few things:

1) Add more description

2) Make it longer

3) Put in a decent story

Best of luck!

Usyl
January 30th, 2008, 08:41 AM
Part 1: Kanto
Chapter 1: The Journey Begins?
Tommy woke up and looked at the posters on his wall. The red dragon known as Charizard soaring through the misty air. The little green dinosaur Bulbasaur jumping in for a tackle, and the poster that took a whole wall, the giant poster of the Sinnoh region. Tommy was always fascinated by the Sinnoh region, ever since it was discovered when he was just 8 years old.
Tommy was now 13 and he was ready to start his own adventure to become the greatest pokemon trainer ever. He came from the quiet town of Viridian and always used to go out and study the wild Pidgeys, Rattatas and Mankeys who roamed around outside his home. Tommy got out of bed and picked up the pokeball in a case next to him. He stared at the pokeball for a sceond before letting out his new friend, Charmander.
He and Charmander left the room and went downstairs. Tommy saw his mum a tall lady with hair black like Tommy's cooking breakfast. Tommy quickly said hello before taking a slice of toast and sitting at the table.
"So, Thomas," his mum asked "when are you leaving."
"I'm going tonight, when Connor leaves," he replied.
Connor was Tommy's 18 year brother and today he would be receiving a pokemon. Tommy sunk his teeth into the thick layer of butter and through the crispy slice of bread. He threw the rest of his toast to Charmander, who greedily munched on it.
"Speaking of Connor" Tommys mum said, "he left you a note."
She passed the note over to Tommy who read it straight away.

Tommy,

I have gone to see Prof. Oak and receive my pokemon. After that I will go to the forest and meet Emma, you know how I feel about her. I will be back by 12 and then we can start training for our big journey. Get another pokemon as well, but don't come near the forest, you will only embarass me. Tommy let out a little chuckle before reading on. See you at twelve bro.

Con.

Tommy looked at the clock on the wall. 10 o'clock. 2 hours until midday so plenty of time to get another pokemon. Tommy picked up his backpack and slung it on his back before rushing out of the house.
*********
"No, Con. We can't." Emma said.
"But your parents aren't in town," he replied.
"As much as I'd like to have se-" Emma tried to say before she was interupted by Tommy walking into the room.
"Connor, come quick," Tommy panted "he's back."

Tommy and Connor quickly ran back home to see the door wide open. When they walked in they saw chairs across the floor and the table broken. In amongst the wreckage was Tommy's and Connor's Mum.

She was laying on the debris laden floor, with a giant gash on her head which was pouring with blood. Tommy immediately went to see to her. In the armchair in the corner of the room was a man. He had grey hair, and was quite podgy.

Connor shouted at the man "Dad. How could you do this, you bastard."

Embrace
January 30th, 2008, 11:30 AM
*Vrooom* Faster than a Lambo. Slow down, and write more detailted paragraphs. Remember the three D's Description Description and Description!

It's ok though!

lordledge
January 30th, 2008, 12:03 PM
Ok I'm here again please remember i am trying to help i don't just ridicule you for the banter. Ok let's get this fanfiction on the road! I'll point out where some of the mistakes are and all of that so that you can see them.

I have put the corrections in bold, displayed below: (Corrections already made)

Part 1: Kanto
Chapter 1: The Journey Begins?

Tommy woke up and looked at the posters on his wall; the red dragon known as Charizard soaring through the misty air. The little green dinosaur Bulbasaur jumping in for a tackle, and the poster that took a whole wall, the giant poster of the Sinnoh region. Tommy was always fascinated by the Sinnoh region, ever since it was discovered when he was just 8 years old. (Well I’m sure it was around before considering all the building etc so it would have been ‘discovered’ maybe you could say ‘ever since it has hosted it’s own Pokemon League’)

Tommy was now 13 and he was ready to start his own adventure to become the greatest Pokemon trainer ever. He came from the quiet town of Viridian and always used to go out and study the wild Pidgeys, Rattatas and Mankeys who roamed around outside his home. Tommy got out of bed and picked up the Pokeball in a case next to him. He stared at the Pokeball for a second before letting out his new friend, Charmander.

He and Charmander left the room and went downstairs. Tommy saw his mum a tall lady with hair black like Tommy's cooking breakfast. Tommy quickly said hello before taking a slice of toast and sitting at the table.

"So, Thomas," his mum asked "when are you leaving."

"I'm going tonight, when Connor leaves," he replied.

Connor was Tommy's 18 year brother and today he would be receiving a Pokemon. Tommy sunk his teeth into the thick layer of butter and through the crispy slice of bread. He threw the rest of his toast to Charmander, who greedily munched on it.

"Speaking of Connor" Tommy’s mum said, "he left you a note." She passed the note over to Tommy who read it straight away.

Tommy,

I have gone to see Prof. Oak and receive my Pokemon. After that I will go to the forest and meet Emma, you know how I feel about her. I will be back by 12 and then we can start training for our big journey. Get another Pokemon as well, but don't come near the forest, you will only embarrass me. (Maybe if you’re going to include some reaction in this the article should be inverted and the non-article text should be regular) Tommy let out a little chuckle before reading on. See you at twelve bro.

Con.

Tommy looked at the clock on the wall. 10 o'clock. 2 hours until midday so plenty of time to get another Pokemon. Tommy picked up his backpack and slung it on his back before rushing out of the house.

*********
"No, Con. We can't." Emma said.

"But your parents aren't in town," he replied.

"As much as I'd like to have se-" Emma tried to say before she was interrupted by Tommy walking into the room.

"Connor, come quick," Tommy panted "he's back."

Tommy and Connor quickly ran back home to see the door wide open. When they walked in they saw chairs across the floor and the table broken. In amongst the wreckage was Tommy's and Connor's Mum.

She was lying on the debris laden floor, with a giant gash on her head which was pouring with blood. Tommy immediately went to see to her. In the armchair in the corner of the room was a man. He had grey hair, and was quite podgy.

Connor shouted at the man "Dad. How could you do this, you bastard."

Now remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new character talks, some basic mistakes here and there but overall very nice. I would highly suggest adding more description to most scenes here are some of the points you can expand on:

What does Tommy look like? (hair colour, height, weight etc)

What does his house look like? (Modern, old fashioned etc.)

What does Charmander look like? (Yes i know we know what he looks like but refer to him sometimes as Charmander; a lizard like Pokemon with stunning green eyes and a tail that shook in the wind etc)

Clothes

Other characters appearance

Scenery (Trees are always a nice one because there are so many different types, also remember to tell us about the terrain so we can get a good picture in our heads)

Use Microsoft Word ( It'll allow you to not only save your documents but to also get them spell checked, grammer checked etc. If your worried about the names of the Pokemon coming up in red simply add them to the dictionary, that way when you spell their names wrong you can see instantly.)

So expand on those points for next chapter and this fic will take a huge jump, good luck and keep at it. See you next chapter.

Usyl
February 1st, 2008, 11:37 AM
I need a guest writer (I will ask for one every 10 chapters) to write the next chapter. PM me with the next chapter, best one gets posted up.