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View Full Version : Soarin' through Sinnoh


Zombieperch
January 26th, 2008, 02:58 PM
Disclaimer:I do not pokemon.I own a couple Pokemon GAMES and MOVIES but I do not own the pocket monsters title.

Rated pg 13 for romance and mild swearing.

Meh,Another one of my stories.

Summary:Three Young new trainers set off on a pokemon adventure each with their own goal.The three trainers go through perilous caves, snowy mountains, and grueling tests to get what they want.

I'll even be nice and throw in a prologue. Today.


It was a nice summer day when three young trainers were getting ready in their own ways to be a pokemon master.Today they are going to Sandgem town to get their pokemon and set off on an adventure with nothing but the clothes on their back's and their Pokemon buddies.

"Oh hey Opal"said the dark haired boy with glinting blue eyes that seemed to calm everyone down that gazed into gentle eyes.He was wearing blue jeens and a dark jacket with a yellow stripe through the middle.Underneath it was a white tee-shirt.His red beret and matching red scarf covered his face and neck slightly."How's it going?"he said glancing at his backpack

"1.DON'T CALL ME OPAL DAIMOND!! And two,I'm going to go get Pearl."The girl Shouted and mentally kicked herself.Every girl Daimond's age had a huge crush on him.He was handsome,smart,athletic,and can be a good friend.Daimond was always prepared for situations."Judgeing by your backpack I say your already set?"

"Yep,I'm just layin' here on this flower bed watchin' the pokemon fly and run by.Oh and seriously,call me Dia,Siahta."Dai remarked without even looking in her direction.He could be so lazy sometimes Siahta thought.Or was he?He creeped people and Pokemon out just by staring at them.

"And please don't call me Siahta either, I like to be called Sia."Sia said lightly.Then she ran off towards Pearl's house.She didn't notice Dia was tagging along behind her becuase he could always walk softer then a crobat can fly.Still shading his eyes with his Beret, Dia somehow appeared outside Pearls house with Pearl before Sia could even reach Pearls house.

"...How did you..."She was cut off by Dia.

"I have slight psychic abilities.Only enough to teleport one target.And also enough to mask my scent,sound and make part of things invisable..."He snickered at Sia's face and enjoying her suprise."Nah I just took the shortcut me and Pearl made throughout the town.Ever wondered what those tiles were for?"He said smacking Pearl over the head to wake him up.

"GAAAAHHH!!!What did you do that for Dia?Good thing I was prepared last night!"He said rubbing his head."What about you Opal?" Pearl said Teasingly.SSSSMMMMAAAACCCCKKKK.Sia had smacked him so hard he flew a few yards back.

"What does everybody have against me?!?!?!"He whined."When I call you,Dawn, Opal I get smacked hard,But when Dia does it all he gets is either yelled at or glared down!!AND..."Pearl was smacked again.

"Only Dia can call me Dawn!"Dawn said angrily.

"Oh I get it!You like Dia!!!"Pearl said mockingly and both Dia and Dawn Blushed.Then Pearl was smacked again,but only harder and with a fist.
XxXxX

So how did you like my prologue?The Xs mean moving to another scene if three apear.5 Indicates finish.

lordledge
January 27th, 2008, 06:21 AM
It's not a bad start but there was a few spelling and gammer mistakes which I'll get to first:

"Oh hey Opal,"said the dark haired boy with glinting blue eyes that seemed to calm everyone down that gazed into gentle eyes(this doesn't make much sense you seem to repeat yourself why not try calming blue eyes).(replace the fullstop with a , or a ; )He was wearing blue jeans and a dark jacket with a yellow stripe through the middle.Underneath it was a white tee(just the letter T)-shirt. His red beret and matching red scarf covered his face and neck slightly(why not try 'He wore a red beret and matching scarf both of which covered little of his face)."How's it going?"he said glancing at his backpack.

"1.(Write something like "First" not the number)DON'T CALL ME OPAL DAIMOND!! And two(second would sound better),I'm going to go get Pearl."The girl shouted and mentally (mentally kicked? like kicked him in her mind? Expand on this a little more) kicked herself. Every girl Daimond's age had a huge crush on him, he was handsome,smart,athletic,and can be a good friend. Daimond was always prepared for situations." Judging by your backpack I say your already set?"

"Yep,I'm just layin' here on this flower bed watchin' the pokemon fly and run by.Oh and seriously,call me Dia,Siahta.( The sudden change in name makes it kinda confusing, why not just Dai from the start?)"Dai remarked without even looking in her direction.He could be so lazy sometimes Siahta thought.Or was he?He creeped people and Pokemon out just by staring at them.( I though he had calming blue eyes?)

"And please don't call me Siahta either, I like to be called Sia (Who's Sia is it a new character or is it Opal with a different name or what I'm confused)."Sia said lightly.Then she ran off towards Pearl's house.She didn't notice Dia was tagging along behind her becuase he could always walk softer then a crobat can fly.Still shading his eyes with his Beret, Dia somehow appeared outside Pearls house with Pearl before Sia could even reach Pearls house. (This is quiet hard to follow as there is little mention of the distance they traveled ect, expand on it a little more)

"...How did you..."She was cut off by Dia.

"I have slight psychic abilities; only enough to teleport one target. And also enough to mask my scent,sound and make part of things invisible..."He snickered at Sia's face and enjoying her suprise. "Nah I just took the shortcut me and Pearl made throughout the town. Ever wondered what those tiles were for?"He said smacking Pearl over the head to wake him up. (Where did Pearl come from? Are they inside his house or what he just seemed to appeared and get hit)


"GAAAAHHH!!!What did you do that for Dia?Good thing I was prepared last night!"He said rubbing his head."What about you Opal?" Pearl said teasingly. SSSSMMMMAAAACCCCKKKK!Sia had smacked him( who's him? Is it Pearl or Dia or what? Just put his name makes it clearer) so hard he flew a few yards back.

"What does everybody have against me?!?!?!"He whined."When I call you,Dawn, Opal I get smacked hard,But when Dia does it all he gets is either yelled at or glared down!!AND..."Pearl was smacked again.

"Only Dia can call me Dawn!"Dawn said angrily.

"Oh I get it!You like Dia!!!"Pearl said mockingly and both Dia and Dawn Blushed.Then Pearl was smacked again,but only harder and with a fist. (What who smacked Pearl, please put in more detail)


To sum up this fanfiction is ok but it's confusing because of the constantly name changing and all that just keep it simple we're only just meeting these characters and I'm already confused. Add more detail and be more specific and please describe, other than that not bad could use more work in the highlighted areas, good luck with the rest of the fic.