View Full Version : Pikachu and the Island of Ice
January 28th, 2008, 8:26 AM
Plouge: The Figure
Pokemon Island was a place of fun in the sun. Until now...
A caped figure was walking towared the Regice Shrine, the official shrine for Regice. Everyone watched him, since he was different from everyone else. The figure raises up a strange stone and the whole palace turns to ice.
"Someone, stop that guy!" yells a Piplup.
A Alakazam jumps toward the figure. But the figure raises his hand, and blasts the Alakazam with a Shadow Ball. The ice began to spread.
"H...He... is too strong..." said the Alakazam weakly.
Everyone screamed as the ice was nearing them. They attempted to run to the hotel, but ice collumns raised out of the floor, blocking them. The figure began laughing.
"Bow down to your new master, Regice!" yelled the figure. Then, a whole bunch of rocks freeze, slowly coming together....
Well, that was a start. I made this chapter to explain how the island got frozen. Pikachu will be in the next chapter.
January 29th, 2008, 2:55 PM
Okay... First off: Way too short. A fanfic chapter should be one page of text AT LEAST. Second: Not enough description. What's the shrine look like? The Alakazam? The ice? Everything should be described in detail. Here's some quoting...
Pokemon Island was a place of fun in the sun. Until now...
That's not really good enough. You should tell more about the island in a starting paragraph. Show the readers with words what the island is like, who its inhabitants are, and over all why it's a place of "fun in the sun".
A Alakazam jumps toward the figure.
An Alakazam. Any noun that starts with a vowel (other than long U) must have the word "an" rather than the word "a" in order to refer to it.
They attempted to run to the hotel, but ice collumns raised out of the floor, blocking them.
What hotel? You never said anything before about a hotel. Before you mention "the" thing, you must mention "a" thing. So, if this is the first mention of this hotel, you should call it "a nearby hotel", or something like that.
Then, a whole bunch of rocks freeze, slowly coming together....
In any work of writing, unless it's from a certain person's perspective and you're really aiming for the voice of that person to be known, descriptions like "a whole bunch" are a bit off. You could use "several rocks" or "many rocks", and it would sound a bit better.
Pikachu will be in the next chapter.
Not really part of the story to critique, but considering the audience doesn't yet know who Pikachu is, telling us this isn't that important. Even if this is a Pikachu we should know (like Ash's Pikachu), we'll figure that out on our own.
One more thing: you seem to shift between past and present tense often. By this I mean, one sentence you'll be saying something "happened", as in it previously occured, and the next something "happens" as in it is occuring right now. Past-tense is normally good for keeping the same tense in a whole fic, and present-tense is normally good for oneshots, or specific sections of fics if used properly, but it's generally good to keep the same tense throughout your fic, especially if there's no flashbacks or special bits added in at the time.
January 29th, 2008, 4:10 PM
Chapter 1: Attack On SS Poke
Meanwhile, on a nearby ship, Pikachu and Meowth are laying in beach chairs, sipping lemonade.
"Meowth, why are you always nice to me when Team Rocket is gone?" asked Pikachu.
"It's a Pokemon thing" awnsered Meowth.
Then, a Pidgeotto flys by and drops a newspaper on Pikachu's lap.
"Ultimate Ice Stone Stolen!" read Pikachu. "Proffeser Mew at the Tree of B-"
"Wait, the Ultimate Ice Stone? All the Team Rocket Pokemon is trying to steal that! It said so in Rocket Magizine" said Meowth.
"Ultimate Ice Stone is the only thing that revives Regice!? Holy cow. That stinks" screamed Pikachu. He threw the newspaper into the water. Meowth is rolling back and forth, crying.
"Don't worry Meowth. It could be worse." said Pikachu. Then, it got worse. A flock of Pidgys flys toward the boat. However, they were white with glassy eyes. A Nuzleaf runs towards them.
"Take this scum!" yelled the Nuzleaf while some bird Pokemon are looking at him insultingly. Then, the Pidgeot the Nuzleaf was going to attack took out a ice crystal and impales the Nuzleaf. Everyone gasped as the Nuzleaf turned into a chilly white. He turned to everyone, holding crystals. Everyone screamed and ran around, avoiding a onslaught of crystals.
"Pikachu, how do we get out of here?" asked Meowth.
"Don't worry, I'll come up with something." said Pikachu as he went over to conveinlently placed machine parts. Then, a white Torchic steps behind Meowth.
"You shall freeze like the rest of us...." said the Torchic in a strange voice. She began using Fire Blitz (which should be called Ice Blitz) and Meowth ran around, screaming.
"Finished!" yelled Pikachu, standing next to a metal glider. Meowth runs towards Pikachu.
"How'd you make that?" asked Meowth.
"Plothole." awnsered Pikachu. They get on the glider and Pikachu sends a bolt into a slot, starting the machine. The glider flys off the ship. Just in time too. Because a Hyper Beam from far away hits it, but instead of the ship blowing up, it froze. Pikachu and Meowth gaspes as they flew off. Then, a hole opens up in the ice. The hooded figure comes out.
"Slaves, did you get that darn Pikachu" asked the hooded figure. The ice Pokemon shakes their heads. "Then Master Regice won't be pleased.." said the hooded figure as he went back in the hole.
To be continued...
February 11th, 2008, 6:42 PM
Chapter 3: Getting Some Friends
Pikachu is looking at Pokemon Island with a telescope.
"Yep. That ice attack came from Pokemon Island." explained Pikachu.
"What are we gonna do now?" cried Meowth.
"Get a hold of yourself. When Blaziken and Charizard left me, they gave me special whistles so I can contact them. Maybe we can get them to help us." Pikachu pointed out.
"What are you waiting for!? Blow those whistles!" screamed Meowth.
"Here goes nothing." said Pikachu as he blew into the whistles.
In Charizard Valley....
A Charizard lifts his head up in response to the wistle blow.
"Oh no." said Charizard.
"What is it?" asked a nearby Oddish.
"Pikachu needs my help. I'm coming for you Pikachu!" shouted Charizard as he flew off.
At a nearby Poke King....
Blaziken, who was wearing a employee hat looks up.
"That's Pikachu." said Pikachu. He was going to fly off (uses flamethrower downward) when his boss comes.
"Don't go!" screamed his boss.
"Sorry, but this is personal." said Blaziken as he flew off.
"I was going to give him 1000000 POKE...." muttered the boss as he walked off.
In the skies near Pikachu and Meowth's location....
Blaziken meets up with Charizard in the sky.
"A new friend of Pikachu?" asked Charizard.
"Old one." said Blaziken as they landed near Pikachu. The two looks at Meowth.
"What is he doing here!?" yelled the two.
"Hey, I'm just on vcation." replied Meowth.
"Guys, evil ice Pokemon is buzzing around. You have to help us." explained Pikachu.
"Whatever it takes!" Charizard and Blaziken said. Meowth gets on Blaziken and Pikachu went on Charizard and they flew off towards Pokemon Island.
February 12th, 2008, 2:29 PM
Hmm... skipped a chapter, interesting...
This needs a lot of work. There are way too many grammar mistakes, you should probably run this through MS word before posting it on here.
I agree with everything iLike2EatPiez said, you really need to work on description. This is probably Revision Bin material...