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Minos Yewman
February 3rd, 2008, 09:15 AM
This will probably be moved to the Revision Bin before it even reaches the forum, but here goes. If all goes well then there may be a follow-up or two to this.

Things to do list:
Prologue - DONE
[s]Chap 1 - DONE
Chap 2 - DONE
Chap 3 - DONE
Chap 4 - DONE
Chap 5 - DONE
Chap 6 - DONE
INTERLUDE 1 - DONE
[S-HIGHLIGHT]
Chap 7 - IN PROGRESS
[/S-HIGHLIGHT]
anyone who doen't mind some violent scenes (just put this in so that I can't be blamed)

History of the Earth: The Dawn of Destruction

A blue-green planet shimmers in the striking light from its sun. It has just been formed and life has only just been set in motion. Two shapes streak through space towards it, fiery tails streaming behind them. One of them changes course, smashing into the other. A burst of white light throws it away again. This continues, the first seeming to attack the second, until, in an outburst of pure energy from both falling stars, they separate. One falls towards the planet, gravity pulling it in like rope. The other is hurled by the force of the outburst, to a small moon, travelling along its slow course around its mother planet. Upon the planet, the star has landed, an island in a vast sea. A dark cloud of consciousness rises from within the rock. It condenses into a sphere of darkness, healing itself from the battle. High in the sky lies an identical sphere of light. The final battle is still to come.
While the two beings were repairing themselves, a mighty titan emerged from the earth. Its name was Regigigas. It forced the humans to worship it as a god. Those who opposed were killed. It dominated the land and reduced the humans to mindless creatures who would serve Regigigas without question.
A thousand years later the sphere on the moon split open. A thousand sparkling fragments dispersed and formed a net-like shape over a seething storm of power. This power was Arceus. Arceus created for itself a body with the strength to leave the moon and travel to the planet of Earth below.
The new body flew down and found the Island of darkness, where the evil being was still recovering. It sliced the sphere into three pieces and sent two of them to different places across the earth.
Seeing that a new power was threatening his domination, Regigigas created three minions to guard his lands with all the power he had entrusted them with.
Arceus retaliated by creating three magical beings to teach the humans knowledge, emotion and willpower. This turned the humans into intelligent creatures. They rose up against their tyrant king and with the help of the three guardians they sealed Regigigas inside his own temple. They split his power into his three minions and sealed them in separate chambers on the other side of the world. The humans were never again subject to such domination.
Soon afterwards Arceus came to earth, fully manifest. It created beings to rule Time and Space and then retired to rest. Its last act was to give life to the body it had used for so long. It named it Cresselia and gave it the task of hunting down any parts of the Darkness which returned.




Chronicles of the gods: Rise of Regigigas.

Prologue:

The man surfaced, breathing the sweet air he had been deprived of for too long. His Relicanth, a prehistoric looking fish with a head made of rock, returned to its pokeball, he began to look around. He was in a rocky cavern; in the centre were several slabs of stone, dotted patterns carved into them. He himself wore a pitch black suit with a red ‘R’ on the chest. He was one of the head admins of Team Rocket, the organisation who sold pokemon for money. They also worked on other work under the guidance of Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket.
Giovanni rarely informed his inferiors of his plans until he was certain they were perfected. That was why the admin had no clue as to why he was here. One day Giovanni had lent him Relicanth’s pokeball and told him what he had to do. He had to retrieve a small tablet which was written on in the dotted language Giovanni had shown him on the others.
He could see the tablet Giovanni had spoken of, it was on a low plinth at the back of the cave. Only one thing stopped him from reaching it: Archie and Maxie, leaders of Teams Aqua and Magma, battling for the tablet themselves.
Maxie’s Camurupt, a dopey looking camel with volcano shaped humps on its back, was battling Archie’s Crobat, a four winged bat with an evil glint in its yellow eyes. Camurupt reared back its head and smoke billowed from the humps. It opened its mouth and issued a stream of fire towards Crobat. However, the bat flew up and out of the way, swooping down and, opening its mouth to reveal sharp fangs dripping with poison. It swooped forwards, sinking its teeth into Camurupt. Camurupt stumbled and fell, the toxic poison proving too much for it. Through gritted teeth Maxie said, “Don’t think you have won yet, I have plenty more pokemon. Many of them much more powerful than that!”
“Very well, we have all the time in the world down here.”
The Rocket admin decided to speak, “I believe that I have the most powerful pokemon I’m afraid,” he took out a pokeball and released his Clampearl, its blue shell glittering in the cave’s half-light. He also secretly released another pokemon out of their sight.
“Do you really think that you can just waltz in here and boast about your pokemon?” Archie shouted, outraged at the admin’s words. He threw a different pokeball, a huge black Mightyena erupting from it, the hound ready for action. At the same time, Maxie released a Slugma, plumes of smoke billowing from the flame burning in the mouth of the slug like creature, its skin looking like lava.
The admin only said one thing; however, it won him the battle, “Behind you.”
As one the two men and their pokemon turned, just in time to receive enough sleep powder to knock out a rampaging Gyarados right in their faces. They fell like bowling pins, the admin’s hoppip looking very pleased with itself. The small brown pokemon jumped into the air, its leaves keeping it hovering for a few seconds.
After returning his pokemon, the admin faced the task of taking the tablet. Not that it was the hardest task in the world. He picked up the tablet from the plinth. The plinth sunk in to the floor. There was an enormous earthquake, shaking the chamber like a fizzy drink. The admin dropped the tablet, watching hopelessly as it shattered, glass against a boulder. He ran now as rocks began to fall from the ceiling, breaking on the hard floor. He thought he heard the sounds of cave doors crashing open in the distance, but he was not sure.
He made it out at the last second, diving from underneath a huge rock that would have killed him normally.

“So you have failed me,” Giovanni was not asking, he was stating a fact, “after all of my orders you have failed to bring me the tablet. I did not want to have to do this, but you have forced me.” He took a pokeball from his pocket and tossed it towards the unfortunate admin. A huge Magmortar, the arms of the pokemon burning hot, erupted out of it, aimed its firey arms, and fired. The admin was destroyed before he could move.

vudu
February 3rd, 2008, 09:29 AM
awesome man !!! But a little to gruesome on the human slaves side.

Firemaker
February 3rd, 2008, 11:57 AM
The story wasn't that bad, but Giovanni isn't that evil. I mean, he keeps Jessie and James around still. This admin was smarter.

Blademaster_Jale
February 3rd, 2008, 03:19 PM
i like it so far; it has a good plot by the looks of it and you did well in describing most things, except one very important concept: the pokemon and their attacks. on thing i am always sure to do when writing is to never assume that the reader already knows what a Camerupt or a Crobat looks like. describe what the pokemon looks like, and also be sure to describe what their attacks look like. instead of saying

"Camerupt used Overheat!"

write something like this:

"Camerupt took a deep breath, rearing its head back as a ball of fire formed in its mouth. It threw its head forward, launching a wave of flames towards its opponent."

see how much of a difference that makes? just keep that in mind, and you'll be cooking. again, nice work so far.

Avey
February 4th, 2008, 09:20 AM
i like it so far; it has a good plot by the looks of it and you did well in describing most things, except one very important concept: the pokemon and their attacks. on thing i am always sure to do when writing is to never assume that the reader already knows what a Camerupt or a Crobat looks like. describe what the pokemon looks like, and also be sure to describe what their attacks look like. instead of saying

"camerupt used overheat"

write something like this:

"camerupt took a deep breath, rearing its head back as a ball of fire formed in its mouth. it threw its head forward, launching a wave of flames towards its opponent."

see how much of a difference that makes? just keep that in mind, and you'll be cooking. again, nice work so far.

Using capitals helps as well, you know.

Also, the story is... Alright, just a little quick and short, if you get what I'm saying.

Minos Yewman
February 4th, 2008, 10:43 AM
I have a lot on at the moment. I will fix errors and post the next bit when I have time.

TurtleKing
February 4th, 2008, 08:30 PM
Also, the title is too coincedental with "The Rise of Darkrai".

Minos Yewman
February 8th, 2008, 08:01 AM
Chapter One

Orinon Hunter was setting out from home. If you could call it home seeing as nobody lived there any more. A few hours previously he had watched his world fall apart. His godfather had been helping him to train his Metang near their house on Mt. Silver.
“That’s it Orin, you show that Lairon who’s boss!” his godfather had shouted to him. Orinon had been training his Metang by taking out the pokemon in the surrounding area.
Suddenly a Tyranitar had smashed out of the forest, roaring loud enough to punch a hole through iron. It was enormous, green spines protruding from its skin, a patch of blue on its chest.
“Go, take my bag.” His godfather had whispered to him, handing him his large rucksack.
“But-“
“Don’t worry about me, just go.”
Then his godfather had vaulted over the ledge that separated them from the Tyranitar. He had thrown a pokeball forward, his Dragonair dancing out of it. The Tyranitar noticed, stampeding after him. His godfather had made it to the edge of what Orinon knew to be a fifty metre drop. He had dived off it without hesitation, his life snuffed out like a candle.
He was not the first relative of Orinon’s to have died, his father had died before he was born and his mother had died in childbirth. According to his godfather he had inherited his father’s blue eyes but his mother’s brown hair. His godfather had taken him to his house on Mt. Silver, where he had raised him like a son. And now he was dead.
Orinon wore mostly black clothes to blend in with the darkness of night when he did most of his travelling. His long black trench coat contained a large variety of useful items. He wore large hiking boots that were looking decidedly worn. In his rucksack were a few supplies he had grabbed from the house and a tent that he had found in there when he had been given it by his godfather.
Orinon tramped down the path through the barren land surrounding Mt. Silver. As he approached the nearby Violet City he noticed that the tall tower to the north of the city was guarded by a man wearing black clothes with red ‘R’s on them. Orinon walked over to them.
“Get lost kid,” one of them growled, “or you’ll make me have to hurt you.”
Orinon reached down to his belt and threw his Metang’s pokeball forward. The black pokemon shot out, ready for action.
“Hey kid, that is one rare pokemon! Anyway, I admire your courage so I’ll make a deal. If you win, I’ll let you into the tower, if I win, you give that Metang, OK?” he sent out his own Rattata, the small mouse looked terrified before the intimidating black steel body with two arms extending from it.
“Deal.” Orinon’s Metang closed its eyes, instead using its physic power. The surprised looking Rattata rose into the air, and was hurled against the wall of the tower.
Orinon called back his Metang and walked straight past the bewildered sentry into the tower.

***

“We’re from the government.” The two men were dressed in black suits, black ties and wore black glasses. One of them carried a black case which was secured to him by a pair of handcuffs.
Blaine sighed, “What is it this time?” he asked them as he led them down a secret passageway that connected the main lab with his private lab underneath the gym.
“You are aware that the extra DNA sample sent to you for the Mewtwo project could not be identified by any scanners. Well, this case contains the specimen that it came from.”
The man set the case down on the table and typed in the release code for the handcuffs. He then unlocked the case with a key and a code. He opened the case to reveal a purple orb, pulsating with light.
“What is that?”
“It was found in a meteor crater on Mt. Moon about two years ago. Our scientists have been able to discover very little.”
“So now you turn to me.” Blaine had refused to work for the government five years ago because he was too attached to his gym leader duties to want to give up. Now he was handed all the failed government projects. He had developed a fossil resurrection program, harnessed the power of the sun and was growing a DNA hybrid pokemon in the basement. He had lost count of the number of time he had signed the official secrets act.
“Yes. Be certain to read through this before you begin your experiments and never touch it with your bare hands.”
“Why?”
“Everything is explained in there.” He nodded to the document he had just handed to Blaine. “Oh, and-“
“Yes, I’ll sign it.” Blaine answered, taking the official secrets act and scrawling his name at the bottom without a glance.
“Very well. Until next time.” The two men left, leaving Blaine with an alien sphere and a large pile of official notes to look through. Just like always.

Blademaster_Jale
February 8th, 2008, 02:25 PM
you're doing very well so far; i found very few mistakes in this chapter. you did well when describing the pokemon and their moves, too. i like how the plot is developing, too, with the government asking blaine to handle their failed projects. keep up the good work!

Minos Yewman
February 11th, 2008, 09:26 AM
Chapter 2

Orinon did not take long to reach the top of sprout tower. When he emerged he found a group of monks wearing long brown robes gesticulating wildly at two people battling in the centre of the roof.
One of the trainers wore a long black cape with a red lining. He had spiky red hair and appeared to be commanding a Salamance. The dragon was mostly blue with huge red wings. It was breathing a long stream of fire towards a Pigeot. The Pigeot was under the control of a young man with overgrown black hair. The slightly unusual feature of him was the black cloud floating above his head. Upon closer inspection, the cloud had a glowing red outline and eyes. Orinon realised that the trainer was being possessed by a Haunter.
The Pigeot dodged the flamethrower and circled round behind the Salamance’s trainer. It picked him up in its claws and hurled him off the tower. His Salamance dived after him and caught him; however he fell unconscious on its back.
Orinon charged forward, his Metang ready for action. It quickly slammed the Pigeot against the floor with its Physic power. As the possessed trainer sent out his next pokemon Orinon wondered who his adversary was. The trainer seemed to be down to his last pokemon. A Murkrow circled around his Metang, occasionally attempting to attack. While his Metang could take a lot of battering, it could not hurt the Murkrow much as it was immune to Psychic energies. His Metang was also far too slow to catch up with the Murkrow. The Murkrow had almost finished his Metang. It flew straight at it, homing in for the kill.
Suddenly his Metang began to glow. It evolved sharply into Metagross, two new legs sprouting and a golden cross appearing on its chest. The evolution took the Murkrow by surprise. Metagross took this opportunity to drive one of its legs into Murkrow, fainting it in one.
Metagross now turned to deal with the Haunter. It pulled it away from the man with Physic power before dispersing it into wisps of smoke.
Disorientated, the man stumbled and fell off the tower. Orinon dived after him, only then realising quite how far it was to the ground.
***
Deep within Blaine’s secret lab, a pokemon floated in a vat. It was mostly grey, with a long purple tail and underside. It was the ‘Mewtwo’ project. The government had commissioned it in an attempt to create an unstoppable pokemon. They had given the project to Blaine as he refused to give the fossil resurrection machine to them. Mewtwo contained DNA from a fossil of Mew, an ancient pokemon thought to be a mirage by most scientists. To that they had added DNA from this alien sphere and human DNA from Blaine himself. When Blaine realised quite how powerful Mewtwo would be he had told the government the project had failed and hidden Mewtwo from them. If the government had controlled Mewtwo then there was no telling what they might do. However, Blaine could not bring himself to kill his creation so had kept it for himself.
In another chamber, resting on a small table was the latest project: the sphere. It had responded to nothing, not heat change, not light change, not even lack of oxygen. But Blaine had come up with an idea. He had extracted a small sample of DNA and was running it through the fossil resurrection process which cloned the DNA of fossils. With this they would be able to replicate the original source of the sphere. His lab assistant, Vera, walked up to him.
“Sir, a man is here to see you.”
“Show him into my office.”
“Yes sir.”
Blaine ascended the stairs and entered his office. He had very little in it except a wooden desk and two chairs. The desk was bare of all decoration apart from a small picture of Blaine with his friend, Mr.Fuji, the founder of the island’s lab.
“Give us the sphere,” a man stood in the centre of the room, he was dressed in a black body suit that had a white waistcoat style top with a yellow ‘G’ on it. He had blue hair styled to two points on either side of his head.
“Who are you?”
“I am Commander Saturn of Team Galactic. You have one of the spheres of either Palkia or Dialga. We need it.”
Blaine reached into his lab coat and pulled out a pokeball. It contained his constant companion, all his other pokemon were safe at the gym. He threw it forward, his Rapidash shooting out. It was a majestic horse like creature with flames for hair. It stood its ground, next to Blaine.
Saturn returned the challenge sending out his own Bronzong. The pokemon hovered in mid-air, its strange eyes staring out from its bell-shaped body.
“Rapidash, flamethrower!” Blaine commanded his pokemon with ease. He had never had to battle a Bronzong before but he could see that it was an obvious steel-type. A stream of fire flowed from Rapidash’s mouth, its flaming body burning brightly. Saturn’s Bronzong was consumed with flames, smoke billowing into the room.
The smoke cleared to reveal a perfectly healthy Bronzong with no sign of damage at all except for a small scorch mark on its chest.
“Sorry Blaine, heatproof,” Saturn signalled to his pokemon, “Mud-Slap” Bronzong sent a torrent of thick brown earth towards Rapidash, it doused the flames on its back and the horse fell, fainted.
“I’ll go get it myself then,” Saturn stormed past Blaine, who was checking that his Rapidash was not hurt. “I saw you left the door open.”

Blademaster_Jale
February 11th, 2008, 03:52 PM
i think you invented a few words in that chapter... like "gesticulating"? i think you meant to say "gesturing". and also, "disorientated" should be "disoriented".

either way, the chapter in itself wasnt too shabby. i think you couldve done a better job with the evolution, but that's just my opinion.

Minos Yewman
February 12th, 2008, 04:37 AM
Just to prove my point. By the way, I am doing this on word and I am using the spell check. I know the evolution wasn't that good but at the moment I am just trying to get it all down, I will come back and make it perfect later.



ges·tic·u·late
–verb (used without object)
1.to make or use gestures, esp. in an animated or excited manner with or instead of speech.
–verb (used with object)
2.to express by gesturing.

dis·o·ri·ent
–verb (used with object)
1.to cause to lose one's way: The strange streets disoriented him.
2.to confuse by removing or obscuring something that has guided a person, group, or culture, as customs, moral standards, etc.: Society has been disoriented by changing values.
3.Psychiatry. to cause to lose perception of time, place, or one's personal identity.

Minos Yewman
February 13th, 2008, 07:05 AM
Chapter 3

Orinon got a good view of the city before he experienced the downside of throwing yourself off a tall building: you fall. Luckily for him at that moment, several root like tendrils wrapped around their legs, pulling them up to safety. At the top, several monks were commanding their Bellsprout to pull them up. At the top Orinon was greeted by the now conscious trainer.
“Hey, look before you leap mate!” The Dragon trainer with his long cloak grinned at him before turning to his mount, “So how about we get some solid ground, eh Sally?” They mounted the dragon pokemon and it set them down at the foot of the tower. Several men dressed in black were running from the tower.
“Don’t try sneaking away without a goodbye present, you lot!” The dragon trainer commanded Sally to swoop in closer. Just then a beam of ice collided with the dragon and it crashed to the ground, its trainer swearing loudly.
Better luck next time Lance,” A hooded monk stood next to the tower. He dropped the robe, revealing a man in a grey suit. “Let’s go boys, we’ll regroup at Ilex.” He called to his men. They scurried away into the woods.
“Here, you might want this,” Orinon offered an Ice heal to the trainer.
“Hey, thanks mate. I’d run out,” he sprayed the potion over Sally and the ice began to melt, “I’m Lance, leader of the E4, our job is just to kinda thrash anyone stupid enough to challenge us. In my spare time I train my pokemon in dragon’s den.”
“So what are you doing here then?”
“I’ve been chasin’ Team Rocket. They’re this bunch of losers who steal pokemon. I ain’t got a clue what they were doing here but I’ll teach ‘em a lesson next time. Anyways, I’d better be off now so, see ya!” Lance returned Sally to its pokeball and released an Altaria instead. He jumped on and flew into the distance.
Orinon looked at the young man who he had saved from the Haunter. Suddenly the man opened his eyes.
“Who are you?” they both asked in unison.
“I’m Orinon Hunter. You were possessed by a Haunter.”
“Yes, I was. Oh well. I’m Falkner, gym leader of Violet city.”
***
“Stop him!” Blaine ran after Saturn, yelling for help from the technicians. Saturn burst into the central room in time to see several Magnemite, belonging to the researchers, burst from their pokeballs.
“Normally I would crush these weaklings into the dust, but at the moment I can’t be bothered, so I’ll just do this,” Saturn took out a pistol from his pocket and fired it at one of the scientists. There was a deafening silence. The sound of the gunshot hung in the air. The scientist looked down, watching as a dark red started to spread across his lab coat.
Blaine spoke first to the researchers, “Get him to a hospital, quickly,” he then turned to Saturn, “you didn’t have to do that.”
“I want the orb.”
“I’ll never give it to you; you can kill me if you want but only I know the code to get out.” With that Blaine activated the emergency alarm. In ten seconds time the deadlock would close the door permanently until the release code was entered.
Suddenly Saturn darted forward and pulled Vera back into the room. The heavy iron door slid down and sealed with a hiss of air. Saturn held the gun to Vera’s head.
“I’m going to take the orb and then you are going to let me out.” He walked to the table and picked up the sphere. He wasn’t wearing gloves.
Several things happened at once. Blaine pressed the emergency conference button which alerted all the country’s leading professors to the emergency and showed them CCTV footage of the room. Four orange tentacles shot out of the sphere and latched themselves around Saturn’s chest. Vera broke free and grabbed the gun.
Saturn cried out as his body began to mutate. The sphere had begun to change his genetic makeup to suit its own purposes. Vera swallowed and pulled the trigger. Saturn clutched at his chest but found that the strange orange and aquamarine skin had protected him.
Soon the mutation was complete. In front of Blaine stood a strange being. Its body was mostly orange with two aquamarine strips on its legs. Its torso was grey and the strange purple sphere was embedded in its chest. Its face was also aquamarine with a purple stripe where it should have a nose. From the sides of its head, two flat ears stuck out. Where it should have arms it instead had aquamarine and orange tentacles, wrapped around each other. Two eerily human eyes stared out of its head.
Suddenly it unravelled its tentacles; the grey patch now covered its hips, shoulders and neck. The ears elongated backwards along with the top of its head. The blue strips on its legs stretched and two spikes emerged.
Its tentacles whipped forwards, a sphere of energy forming in the middle. The sphere shot forward into the door, destroying it like tissue paper. It transformed again, its legs turning grey along with the rest of its main body. The spikes disappeared, the blue strips shrinking in size. The ears shrunk to small points by its head while the back of its head extended. It now only had two tentacles, one orange, and one aquamarine.
With amazing speed it sped through the door to the outside world.

Region: Kanto
Place: Oak Research Lab, Pallet Town

Professor Oak stared at the scenes that had just played out before him on the monitor. He had never seen anything like that before. It had switched through different forms with considerable ease. He knew nothing like it.

Region: Johto
Place: Elm Pokemon Lab, New Bark Town

Professor Elm stood there with his only assistant as Blaine’s alert played through. He too had no clue what it was although he wondered more as to whom the man in white was. Knowing Blaine’s reluctance to include some professors he forwarded the video to Professors Ivy, Krane and Hastings.

Region: Hoenn
Place: Prof. Birch’s Pokemon Lab, Littleroot Town

Although he was a junior pokemon professor he knew quite a lot about pokemon and he had never seen anything like that before. The way it had changed reminded him of Castform, but that required weather changes in order to change, whereas this had changed at will.

Region: Sinnoh
Place: Pokemon Lab, Sandgem Town

Professor Rowan had completely missed the alert as he had been down in Twinleaf town, hoping to see Mesprit. He had failed yet again. He returned to find a video recording of Blaine being attacked by a strange creature.
“Probably an alien!” he snorted, deleting the video.

Region: Kanto
Place: Mr. Fuji’s house, Lavender Town

Mr. Fuji watched the film through twice. Then he took off his apron and, after grabbing six pokeballs from a drawer, set off pulling a yellowing sea map from his pocket. It was a detailed map of the Sevii islands, a chain of islands to the south of Kanto. Sending out his Latias, a white dragon with red, jet-plane like wings, he flew off towards Birth Island.

Minos Yewman
February 14th, 2008, 04:32 AM
Chapter 4

I am Eplix, an unimportant female eevee. My clan of eevees lives in a wood. The alpha male, the dominant male who leads us, is a Jolteon. He believes that he is the most important in the clan. He is the only one of us who can hold his tail up high. If anyone else tries he fights them. My mother and father are Vaporeons. When I grow up I want to be one too. When eevees come of age Shadow, an Umbreon with black fur, red eyes and glowing yellow rings on him, takes them to a special chamber where he evolves them.
Suddenly, there is a mighty roar and humans dressed in black burst into our clearing. They have Mightyena, horrible barking beasts. They kill everyone, my family, friends, everyone. I flee, running like I have the speed of a Ninjask.
It is later. I stand next to Shadow, a great gash in his side, blood seeping out.
“It is too late for me. Take this, go. Go and save the world!” Shadow holds out an orange stone, shaped like the sun. I feel my body shinning, power emanating from me. I change.
I am an Espeon. I am pink with a red gem in my forehead. This gem contains my power.
“Farewell, brave heroine.” Shadow sighs, shuts his eyes and the yellow rings fade. His body seeps into the shadow, gone forever. I can sense the men in black approaching. I must escape. I run once more, but come up against an ekans. It plunges at me.
The gem sears painfully, the ekans is thrown backwards. At the moment, I need more practise to control my powers. I will try to make them better.
I run.

***

“Send in Johnson”
“Yes Sir”
General Tyr waited for Johnson to arrive. The General was an aging man with white hair. However, he still wore his army uniform complete with medals and stripes. The door slid open and a young man walked in.
“Johnson!”
“Yes Sir”
“The operation has failed. Take your team and recapture the specimen.”
“Alive Sir?”
“No. But try to keep it in one piece. We may still be able to get more information.”
“Yes Sir!”
The man saluted, swivelled round and walked away.
***
The black helicopter flew silently through the night. It had been specially designed to avoid any means of detection. On board were ten men, dressed completely in black and holding powerful looking weapons. They waited silently as spotlights searched the ground below.
“Target located sir,” the pilot shouted.
“OK, take us in,” Captain Johnson commanded. The men strapped themselves to cables and lowered themselves to the ground as the helicopter flew in low, towards the ground. They unclipped themselves and switched on their Infra-red goggles.
Back on the helicopter, a man climbed out of the crate he had been hiding in. He walked softly towards the pilot, drawing a gun from his coat. The pilot turned in time to see the man pull the trigger. The man put the gun away and pulled out a radio.
“Mission accomplished.”
Meanwhile, the men on the ground found their target. They opened fire on it, guns blazing brightly in the gloom. Their enemy changed, its head became rounded, its tentacles becoming flat. Its neck disappeared and its head fused with its shoulders and tentacles.
Their target crossed its tentacles over its chest. Bullets thudded into it, causing no sign of damage. At that moment, the helicopter above began to fall. The creature changed quickly into its streamlined form, speeding away. The men were not so lucky.
***
Mr. Fuji dismounted his Latias, returning it to its pokeball. He stepped upon the island. Birth Island was strange as it was a perfect equilateral triangle. Three exactly equal sides and three corners that were exactly sixty degrees. In the centre of the island was a man sized, black, three-sided pyramid.
Mr. Fuji took an empty pokeball from his pocket. It was blue with two purple grips and a white ‘M’ on it. When he had worked as a scientist, Mr. Fuji had developed the Master Ball. However, he believed trainers should work hard to achieve their goals, so he did not go public with it.
He took out another pokeball, sending out his Lucario. The humanoid blue and black jackal looked expectantly at him.
“Rio, use aura sphere,” the pokemon closed its eyes, focusing his power to take energy from the earth. A sphere of pure energy appeared in his hands, he threw it ferociously at the pyramid.
The pyramid shattered, pieces flying outwards only to fade into nothingness in mid air. Where it had been stood an orange and aquamarine creature, tentacles beating up and down. Mr. Fuji threw his Master Ball forwards; the creature gave a look of anguish before being pulled into the inescapable grasp of the pokeball.

Firemaker
February 14th, 2008, 02:28 PM
I like the eevee narrative, being very simple and short that reflects its young age. Yet I believe you should have put more detail into the ekans spot.

Eevee does not evolve by sun stone, yet a sun shard will (XD)

Minos Yewman
February 15th, 2008, 03:39 AM
I am not going to update this for a while. Instead, I will go back and correct all mistakes in the chapters so far.

Minos Yewman
February 23rd, 2008, 04:14 AM
Chapter 5

The black helicopter hovered above Cinnabar Island. Five men lowered themselves by wires. The set-up was exactly the same as the previous team. The men entered the gym and began searching it for the door into the underground lab. One of the men took out a small round device, a red light flashing in the centre. One of the men gave a shout. He gestured towards the trapdoor he had found. The man with the strange device walked over to the trapdoor and pressed a button on the device. He placed the device on the trapdoor and waited. After a strange whirring noise the trapdoor slid open. The men descended in single file. One of them took out another device, slightly bigger than the first. He found a socket in the wall, plugged it in and flicked a switch. All the lights in the lab went out, without warning. The sound of confused and worried scientists echoed in the darkness. But the real panic came when the emergency lighting failed to come on.
Blaine was surprised at the power failure. He became genuinely worried when the emergency lights failed. He had prepared for this though. He bent down and pulled out a laptop from under his desk. He fitted it in to a socket in the wall and began searching the system to find the fault. The monitor displayed a message: LOOK BEHIND YOU.
Blaine slowly turned to find the barrel of a gun looking back at him.
“OK egghead, we’ll be taking the DNA sample,” the man grunted.
“What sample?” asked Blaine, genuinely confused.
“Don’t act dumb with me,” the man prodded him with the gun, “the DNA of the alien, just give it to us.”
“No.”
“What?” the man sounded surprised.
“No, I won’t give it to you just so you can clone it and use it to destroy things.”
“If that is your final answer, I have no choice but to kill you.” The man aimed the gun right between Blaine’s eyes. He flicked the safety catch.
And the gun flew out of his hands, hovered momentarily in the air, and then knocked him round the head. He fell unconscious to the floor. Blaine looked round, thankful to still be alive.
On the opposite side of the room, standing in a mass of shattered glass, was Mewtwo, its three fingered hand outstretched.
“Father” the voice spoke in his head.
“Why do you call me that?” Blaine asked the humanoid pokemon standing in front of him.
“I contain your DNA, I was created by you and you have cared for me. Therefore you are my father.”
“OK, but can you help me? I need to get everyone out alive.”
“That will be easy; I only have to knock out the soldiers.” Mewtwo closed its eyes for a few seconds. “Done”
“What, so fast?”
“Yes. Now get everyone out, they’ve planted a bomb. You have three minutes.” The pokemon closed its eyes. It rose into the air, crossed its arms, and vanished with a flash of light.
***
“I haven’t got a clue where it came from.” Falkner and Orinon were discussing the issue of the Haunter that had possessed him.
“Is there anyone who might know?”
“Well, Morty might. He’s good with ghosts and things. Oh, talking of gyms, I reckon you deserve one of these.” Falkner took out a pin badge shaped like a wing. “This one’s for showing off and this one,” he took out a sticker sheet, covered with miniature versions of the badge. “is for your trainer card.”
“I don’t have one.”
“What!” Falkner looked astounded, “But-“ at that moment there was a sharp knock on the door. Falkner opened it to find a small plastic bag with ‘Goldenrod Department Store’ on it in big gold letters. Falkner brought it in. He handed it to Orinon.
“It’s for you.”
Orinon reached into the bag. He pulled out first a slip of typed paper with To Orinon written on it. Next he took out a small card. It was the same shape and size as a normal credit card. However, it showed a picture of a pokeball. Around the pokeball were eight circles. Above, in a small strip were the words:
Johto League, Orinon Hunter.
“That’s a trainer card. Here, let me put this on.” Falkner took the card and peeled one of the stickers off his sheet. He stuck the sticker on the trainer card. “This is the Zephyr Badge. This used to be my father’s gym until he retired.”
The last thing in the bag was a red cube with yellow lines on it. Orinon opened the lid of it to reveal a small screen. On the screen appeared a message
<I AM PORYGON. THE CUBE CONTAINS EVERY ELECTRONIC GADGET YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED. PLEASE INSERT YOUR TRAINER CARD IN THE SLOT.>
Orinon was surprised, but hurried to obey. He pushed the trainer card into a slot next to the screen and watched as the information came up on the screen. Then another message appeared.
<RETURNING TO MAIN SCREEN-PLEASE WAIT>
The main page had several options: Pokedex (488 complete), Maps (8), Radio, Phone and Other Applications. Orinon selected Pokedex and marvelled at the lists of pokemon from across the country. He decided to look up his Metagross to check it was working properly.
METAGROSS
IRON LEG POKEMON
TYPE: STEEL/PHSYCIC
HEIGHT: 5’03”
WEIGHT: 1,212.5LBS
FORMED BY THE FUSION OF TWO METANG (#375). IT HAS FOUR BRAINS JOINED BY A COMPLEX NEURAL NETWORK. IT CAN FLOAT IN THE AIR BY TUCKING IN ITS FOUR LEGS. DUE TO INTERGRATION THIS POKEMON IS SMARTER THAN A SUPERCOMPUTER. WHEN IT HUNTS IT PINS DOWN ITS PREY THEN EATS THEN WITH THE MOUTH ON ITS STOMACH.

“Wow, I’ve never seen a pokedex that complete before.” Falkner stared in awe at the screen. Suddenly, a red light began flashing and the screen changed to the main screen. A message flashed in red lights.
<GO TO RUINS OF ALPH. URGENT.>
Another message appeared as a map of the country appeared.
<LOCATING...PLEASE WAIT.>
The image focused in on the Johto region, zooming in to violet city. Nearby was a small path leading through the woods to a small cave complex.
***
I run. But I am not quick enough. A man in the black uniform catches me. He puts me in a small dark box and I feel no more.
I am in a cage. With me are other evolutions of eevee: Vaporeon, Flareon, Jolteon, Umbreon, Leafeon and Glaceon. There are only seven of us. We are powerful enough that we can escape if we work together. But instead, we fight. The vaporeon attacks the flareon, the flareon attacking the glaceon, the glaceon attacking the leafeon, the jolteon jumps from behind and ambushes the vaporeon. Suddenly the umbreon pounces at me. The gem stings, the pain does not hurt as much now. The umbreon flies backwards, a strange expression on his face.
Later, they take us all from the cage. They place us in individual plastic boxes in a circle with tubes leading to a box in the centre. In each box they place an item. They pour mystical water on vaporeon; throw a magnet in with Jolteon. They add something to all the cages. I am given a spoon, physic energy emanating from it. I feel a Psybeam forming within me. I resist it, bottling it up inside my body. All the others are not so strong. Thunderbolt, Solarbeam, Flamethrower, Water pulse, Ice beam, Dark pulse, they all fire down the tubes connecting the cages to the central cage. They hit at different times. When the smoke clears there is an eevee, frozen, vines wrapped around it. I suddenly realise that if they try this again I can escape. I rest, perfecting my plan.

Blademaster_Jale
February 25th, 2008, 07:32 PM
well, ive caught up again and im here once more to review.
first, chapter four:
hm... itd be difficult to really describe your mistakes without actually showing them to you, so ill just go over the chapter bit by bit:

I am Eplix, an unimportant female eevee. My clan of eevees lives in a wood. The alpha male, the dominant male who leads us, is a Jolteon. He believes that he is the most important in the clan. He is the only one of us who can hold his tail up high. If anyone else tries he fights them. My mother and father are Vaporeons. When I grow up I want to be one too. When eevees come of age Shadow, an Umbreon with black fur, red eyes and glowing yellow rings on him, takes them to a special chamber where he evolves them.

this is just stating facts, something you dont usually want to do in a story. however, since its in the first person, it works out alright. no real problems here.


One day, not long before I would be of age, I was with my family; something I used to do quite often. Suddenly, there was a mighty roar and humans dressed in black burst into our clearing. They had Mightyena; oh, they were such horrible barking beasts. They killed everyone; my family, friends, everyone. I fled, running like I had the speed of a Ninjask.
Later, I found Shadow, who had a great gash in his side, blood seeping out.
“It is too late for me." he said, "Take this, and go. Go and save the world!" Shadow held out an orange stone, shaped like the sun. I felt my body shining, power emanating from me. I changed.
I was now an Espeon. I was now pink with a red gem in my forehead. This gem contained my power.
“Farewell, brave heroine.” Shadow sighed, shutting his eyes as the yellow rings faded. His body seeped into the shadow, gone forever. I could sense the men in black approaching. I had to escape. Though I was puzzled by some of his last words, I ran once more, but came up against an ekans. It plunged at me.
The gem on my forehead seared painfully, and the ekans was thrown backwards. At that moment, I needed more practice to control my powers. I knew I had to try to make them better.
I ran.

hmm... i dont really see why you continued using present tense here. in my opinion, it'd probably be better to describe it in past tense. my corrections are in bold. if you'd rather leave it in present tense, by all means do so. im just giving my personal input.


***

“Send in Johnson”
“Yes Sir”
General Tyr waited for Johnson to arrive. The General was an aging man with white hair. However, he still wore his army uniform complete with medals and stripes. The door slid open and a young man walked in.
“Johnson!”
“Yes Sir”
“The operation has failed. Take your team and recapture the specimen.”
“Alive Sir?”
“No. But try to keep it in one piece. We may still be able to get more information.”
“Yes Sir!”
The man saluted, swivelled round and walked away.


i see no real problems with this part, so good job.


***
The black helicopter flew silently through the night. It had been specially designed to avoid any means of detection. On board were ten men, dressed completely in black and holding powerful looking weapons. They waited silently as spotlights searched the ground below.
“Target located sir,” the pilot shouted.
“OK, take us in,” Captain Johnson commanded. The men strapped themselves to cables and lowered themselves to the ground as the helicopter flew in low, towards the ground. They unclipped themselves and switched on their Infra-red goggles.
Back on the helicopter, a man climbed out of the crate he had been hiding in. He walked softly towards the pilot, drawing a gun from his coat. The pilot turned in time to see the man pull the trigger. The man put the gun away and pulled out a radio.
“Mission accomplished.”

Meanwhile, the men on the ground found their target. They opened fire on it, guns blazing brightly in the gloom. Their enemy changed, its head became rounded, its tentacles becoming flat. Its neck disappeared as its head fused with its shoulders and tentacles.
Their target crossed its tentacles over its chest. Bullets thudded into it, causing no sign of damage. At that moment, the helicopter above began to fall. The creature changed quickly into its streamlined form, speeding away. Though it managed to escape to safety, the men were not so lucky.


at one or two points here, you switched to present tense again. since the rest of the section is in past tense, im just assuming it was a mistake. also, you dont want to keep using the word "and" too much. try replacing it with "as" or some other words from time to time. even when its not a chain of "ands", "as" can still sound better at times. youll see what i mean. again, corrections are in bold.


***
Mr. Fuji dismounted his Latias, returning it to its pokeball. He stepped upon the island. Birth Island was strange as it was a perfect equilateral triangle. Three exactly equal sides and three corners that were exactly sixty degrees. In the centre of the island was a man sized, black, three-sided pyramid.
Mr. Fuji took an empty pokeball from his pocket. It was blue with two purple grips and a white ‘M’ on it. When he had worked as a scientist, Mr. Fuji had developed the Master Ball. However, he believed trainers should work hard to achieve their goals, so he did not go public with it.
He took out another pokeball, sending out his Lucario. The humanoid blue and black jackal looked expectantly at him.
“Rio, use aura sphere,” the pokemon closed its eyes, focusing his power to take energy from the earth. A sphere of pure energy appeared in his hands, he threw it ferociously at the pyramid.
The pyramid shattered, pieces flying outwards only to fade into nothingness in mid air. Where it had been stood an orange and aquamarine creature, tentacles beating up and down. Mr. Fuji threw his Master Ball forwards; the creature gave a look of anguish before being pulled into the inescapable grasp of the pokeball.


i dont see any problems here that require immediate attention, so good work.

and theres my review for chapter four. i have to go to bed now (ugh, i dont want to go to school...) but ill see if i can manage to review chapter five tomorrow.

Minos Yewman
February 25th, 2008, 11:52 PM
The Eplix bit is in the present tense because it is being told by the eevee. The eevee is young so hasn't had time to learn to describe things in the past yet. The other bits of present tense are a mistake. I will correct them when I get my main computer back. (I have scholarship exams on and my parents have confiscated my computer and gamecube. Going to school doesn't sound so bad now does it?)

Minos Yewman
March 1st, 2008, 08:48 AM
Chapter 6

Brass Tower, Fifty years ago…

The young man pulled himself up through the trap door from the floor below. From the top of Brass Tower you could see much of the surrounding area. To the east was Tin Tower, a shining silver pillar contrasting the golden gleam of Brass Tower. As he watched, a huge white bird landed atop Tin Tower. The man recognised it as a Lugia, a rare species that normally roosted in caves far out at sea. However, it was well known that one roosted on Tin Tower. Another rare bird pokemon, Ho-oh roosted on Brass Tower. The man had already done detailed research on both species on navel rock in the sevii islands.
The man walked to the top of the steps. There was an egg, laid in ashes. The egg of a Ho-oh. But the man was not looking for powerful pokemon, he was after the ash. It was said to have magical healing properties in legends. The man took out a small cloth pouch and filled it with the ash. While he scooped up the ash his hand came across something larger.
A small bone-white flute. It had strange carvings on it which seemed to glisten in the light.
Suddenly, without warning, storm clouds formed overhead with alarming speed. A bolt of electrical power shot down and hit Brass Tower. The brass coating only conducted the heat; soon the whole tower was blazing with fire.

Holon, twenty years later…

The Holon region, a small region with only one town. The town was founded by scientists trying to catch the rare pokemon Mew. They had started with good intentions but now they had gone mad with desire to capture Mew. They had built an enormous tower from which strange radiation waves travelled. They then used these waves to try and catch Mew. However, the radiation had side effects. Pokemon in the area mutated into the so named ‘δ Delta Species’. There was also another side effect, much more dangerous.
The same man, now twenty years older, had removed the Mew from the area five years ago. He had returned to remove the Delta Species from the area.
A Charizard landed in front of him. It had a silver metal body in the shape of some mighty dragon; it had huge wings and a tail, the end of which had electrical energy curling round it. The whole of its body glowed with red radiation. It opened its mouth, releasing not a stream of flame, but of electricity. The man rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the lightning. He pulled a pokeball from his pocket. It was a heavy ball, an apricorn based pokeball with a grey top. It was especially good at catching heavy pokemon. Like a metal Charizard.
The man had now rounded up all of the Delta species. He only had one more thing to attend to: The large research tower spewing out radiation for miles.
The man marched straight in through the front door. He looked down at the body of a scientist lying by the door. His face was disgusting, flesh dripping off like water. The man shuddered and walked to the control panel. He flicked the switch labelled: ON/OFF. With a loud moan, the tower ceased to generate the radiation. The man walked to the door and pulled a lever. It was marked EMERGENCY DEADLOCK. The door slammed shut and, with a hissing sound, vacuum sealed. The windows soon followed, along with every door in the whole facility. It was now impossible for anything to escape without a special code being typed in on the outside of the facility. The man sent out his abra and within a few seconds, was gone.

Faraway Island, thirty years later…

The man, now old and weak, stepped into the clearing. He had first come here after his experience on Pokemon Island. Pokemon Island had been a specially preserved area where pokemon were not to be caught, but studied in their natural habitat. But the government had discovered that a Mew was living on the island. They had sent in their specialist team: Team Galactic. They had swarmed onto the island, setting up base camps and destroying pokemon habitats. However, the government was corrupt even then, and another politician had sent in a black ops team. Team Galactic were eventually defeated, with many people on both sides being killed. They had also destroyed nearly all of the pokemon habitats.
The man had managed to get the Mew out unharmed though. He had sought far and wide to find somewhere safe to leave it. He had found Faraway Island. It was a tiny island far south of Hoenn. The best thing about it was that there were no other pokemon on the island. The man had left the Mew there and set out to find and protect every Mew he could find. He had brought a Mew from Kanto, one from Fiore, from all over the world he brought them. There was now a large population of them on Faraway Island, safe out of human reach.
The man took out a machine. It was small and spherical and had a small slot for a pokeball. He sorted out his pokemon and items, sending some of them where they were needed, keeping others.
While he was doing this, two Mew appeared, playing with each other. One of them chased the other. The small, pink, cat-like creatures floated happily, occasionally doing somersaults. The one who was chasing transformed into a Ninjask, speeding forwards. The other simply spun in mid-air and vanished in a sparkle of stars.
The man had now sorted out everything he needed to. He took six pokeballs from his belt, the six loyal companions who had served him throughout his life. He pressed the central button, permanently releasing them: Latias, Lucario, Alakazam, Mr. Mime, Salamance and Heatran. He told his Alakazam to teleport them to their natural habitats.
With his companions now gone, he turned and watched the Mew, playing with each other, floating joyfully on their island asylum from the outside world. Soon he was asleep. His eyes closed and his spirit departed him, happy in death from the difference it had made to the world.
Mr. Fuji’s body lay propped up against the tree, his spirit free.

Minos Yewman
March 1st, 2008, 08:52 AM
This is an INTERLUDE. The interludes are simply half-length chapters that have little connection to the story.

Interlude 1

An island in the middle of the sea, Hoenn…

A Sandslash erupted from the ground. It was a large mouse like pokemon with large claws and spikes on its back. Clutching onto its tail was a man with red hair and wearing a full length coat. The coat was mostly red with black on his left shoulder. The symbol of Team Magma blazed on his coat. As Maxie, Leader of Team Magma, surfaced from the ground, he heard a loud roar. He turned to see a Gyarados, a mighty blue sea serpent with a yellow underbelly and long whiskers, explode out of the water. On its back sat Archie, the leader of Team Aqua. He wore a black suit and the Team Aqua symbol adorned the breast pocket.
“So Maxie, I see you escaped from under that rock too.” Archie called out to Maxie.
“As I recall, we were nearing the end of a battle I would win.”
“You were down to your last pokemon.”
“Was not!”
“Was too!”
After a few minutes of arguing, both trainers sent out their pokemon. Archie sat on his Pelliper, a large pelican and watched the battle from the sky. Maxie sent out a Drapion, a large scorpion with a long tail.
“Gyarados, water pulse,” the serpent took a deep breath, and then fired a stream of water from its mouth.
“Drapion, dig!” The scorpion disappeared amid a collection of earth and water exploding where it had been. A few seconds later it exploded from the earth and lunged towards its foe.
“Gyarados, wrap and hyper beam” the gyarados wound round the drapion, preventing its movement by binding it tightly. It then put its mouth above the drapion that was squirming frantically, but in vain. A beam of energy shot out of the gyarados’ mouth like a bullet from a gun. When the smoke cleared, the drapion was lying on the beach, barely able to move.
Archie smirked, returned his gyarados and laughed at Maxie.
“OK Pelliper, lets get out of here, fly!” The bird soared into the sky, vanishing from view.
Maxie pulled a Max revive from his pocket, slipping it into his drapion’s mouth.
“You will pay for this Archie, just you wait,”