PDA

View Full Version : Juli's Journey


FlameJuli
February 10th, 2008, 12:05 PM
Hey everyone, I started writing this earlier and its just begun so dont expect to much to soon and what I need is some advice I am not every good at writing but here it is.

Juli x



A place where there is no light, darkness spreadin the void that stretched in every direction as far as the eye can see, nothing. A young girls voice echoed in the vast empty space “Wh..Where am i?”.
Suddenly a beam of light appeared with a silhouette of a young woman, the young girls voice echoed again “Mom? Is that you?.”
“Yes my child it is I” the silhouette replied
“What am I doing here?” asked the young girl
“Don't worry dear this is but a dream, I have come to wish you good luck” explained the silhouette


A beeping could be heard as if an alarm clock was going off in the next room. A young girl sprung up in her bed, she raised her hands to wipe the sleep from her deep blue eyes. She yawns as she climbs out of bed, reaching for a brush she thinks to herself “Was that a dream?”. She lifts the brush and slowly runs it through her purple hair sighing. When she finished brushing her hair she lifted off her pink tshirt and pink shorts, she looks around on the floor and picks up a black belly top and black baggy cargo pants with a flame pattern on the leg. She slowly puts them on and runs downstairs.


“Hey Juli!” a voice came from the kitchen.
“Oh, Hey grandpa” replied Juli being somewhat startled.


An old man walks out from the kitchen his silver glistened as the light shone on it, he smiles and puts a plate down on a small wooden table. As he sits on his chair he places a napkin on his lap.


“Grandpa, you really need a new shirt, It's not even summer and your wearing a Hawaiin floural top” said Juli trying to convince him to buy a new top.


“Hey when you find a look that works” Grandpa smiled and started eating his freshly cooked breakfast. “So what time are you going to the lab?” asked Grandpa with a bit of tomato juice dribbling down his chin.


“I have to be there in half an hour” replied Juli as she looked at the clock on the kitchen wall.


Grandpa smiled as he said “You better leave now then or you will be late”


Juli nodded as she reached across the table stealing a piece of toast from her Grandpa's plate. She rushed to the front door and sat down with the piece of toast in her mouth, he reaches towards her sneakers and takes a pair of socks out of them and puts them on.


“Bye Grandpa!” shouted Juli as she slipped her sneakers on.


“Bye Juli! Don't forget your...” Grandpa is cut short as Juli slams the door “bag...” Grandpa sighs as finishes his breakfast.


Juli ran down the street as fast as she could, not paying much attention she ran into a man who was running in the opposite direction with Offices Jenny not far behind. Juli stood up as Officer Jenny arrived, placing handcuffs around the mans wrists.


“Excuse me are you hurt?” Asked Officer Jenny


Juli shook her head “No, I'm fine, glad I helped even though I wasn't paying attention”


Officer Jenny giggled slightly halling the man away. “Well I better take this criminal away!”


Juli smiled as she continued running towards a large mansion type building, as she got close she noticed a crowd of people around the entrance cheering rather loudly.

hatakekakashi486
February 10th, 2008, 12:40 PM
It's not really badly written, just a little short. In most word processors, at least three pages worth of a chapter is what I consider long enough to be finished, if not a little longer (say 5 pages).

FlameJuli
February 10th, 2008, 12:52 PM
It's not really badly written, just a little short. In most word processors, at least three pages worth of a chapter is what I consider long enough to be finished, if not a little longer (say 5 pages).

Like I said, I just started I just wanted people opinion so far.

Zanacross
February 10th, 2008, 01:00 PM
I think it's good Juli. I want to know what happens next so carry on writing.

Just make sure it's a special story people will remeber

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
February 10th, 2008, 11:32 PM
I've made grammar corrections to your chapter. Things I've changed are in BOLD and things that you should delete are in RED.

A place where there is no light, darkness spreading the void that stretched in every direction as far as the eye can see, nothing. A young girl's voice echoed in the vast empty space. “Wh..Where am I?”.

Suddenly a beam of light appeared with a silhouette of a young woman, the young girl's voice echoed again “Mom? Is that you?.”

“Yes my child, it is I” the silhouette replied.

“What am I doing here?” asked the young girl.

“Don't worry, dear this is but a dream, I have come to wish you good luck,” explained the silhouette.

A beeping could be heard as if an alarm clock was going off in the next room. A young girl sprung up in her bed, she raised her hands to wipe the sleep from her deep blue eyes. She yawned as she climbed out of bed. Reaching for a brush, she thought to herself, “Was that a dream?”. She lifted the brush and slowly ran it through her purple hair, sighing. When she finished brushing her hair, she lifted off her pink t-shirt and pink shorts. She looked around on the floor and picks up a black belly top and black baggy cargo pants with a flame pattern on the leg. She slowly put them on and ran downstairs.

“Hey Juli!” a voice came from the kitchen.

“Oh, Hey grandpa,” replied Juli being somewhat startled.

An old man walked out from the kitchen. His silver <missing word here> glistened as the light shone on it. He smiled and put a plate down on a small wooden table. As he sat on his chair he placed a napkin on his lap.

“Grandpa, you really need a new shirt. It's not even summer and your wearing a Hawaiian floral top,” said Juli trying to convince him to buy a new top.

“Hey when you find a look that works.” Grandpa smiled and started eating his freshly cooked breakfast. “So what time are you going to the lab?” asked Grandpa with a bit of tomato juice dribbling down his chin.

“I have to be there in half an hour,” replied Juli as she looked at the clock on the kitchen wall.

Grandpa smiled as he said, “You better leave now then, or you will be late.”

Juli nodded as she reached across the table stealing a piece of toast from her Grandpa's plate. She rushed to the front door and sat down with the piece of toast in her mouth. She reached towards her sneakers and took a pair of socks out of them and put them on.

“Bye Grandpa!” shouted Juli as she slipped her sneakers on.

“Bye Juli! Don't forget your...” Grandpa was cut short as Juli slammed the door. “Bag...” Grandpa sighed as he finished his breakfast.

Juli ran down the street as fast as she could, not paying much attention. She ran into a man who was running in the opposite direction with Officer Jenny not far behind. Juli stood up as Officer Jenny arrived, placing handcuffs around the man's wrists.

“Excuse me, are you hurt?” asked Officer Jenny

Juli shook her head. “No, I'm fine, glad I helped even though I wasn't paying attention.”

Officer Jenny giggled slightly, hauling the man away. “Well, I better take this criminal away!”

Juli smiled as she continued running towards a large mansion type building; as she got close she noticed a crowd of people around the entrance cheering rather loudly.
Hmmm... a lot of grammar mistakes, as noted above. Some of the bigger things:
*More than one piece of punctuation at the end of a quote, like "speech?". Here, you only need the question mark.
*Mixing of present and past tense. In my corrections, I've made everything past tense, as it's usually easier to write in that fashion.
*Confusion on how to handle the punctuation and capitalization following quotes. The grammar advice thread (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=96028) explains this without me having to make this post extremely long and boring.

The plot right now seems to be remaining close to the game plot, with the exception of the opening scene. So I do suspect that you've got some twists and turns in store to give your story a unique plot. Oh, and I hope the guy who Juli bumped into plays a role later in the story, otherwise it does come off as her being a "special" or "Mary-Sue" type character.

With all that said, I am interested in where you'll be taking this, so just keep an eye on the grammar (especially the present/past tense switching, the biggest problem so far) and I'll be looking forward to seeing the next chapter and how much improvement you're able to make.

FlameJuli
February 11th, 2008, 03:49 AM
Yeah I know my grammar is bad, I am so used to writing Russian. Even though I have been learning English for quite a while now (since i was 8). I still find it hard at time because I am always using Russian when I write letters.

Alli
March 21st, 2008, 07:20 AM
Not too shabby. As it's explained somewhere above this post, your grammar errors. X.x

Anyway...your name....I though I'd never find someone with the same name as me with the same spelling as mine. Wow. You're a friend of mine. ^-^