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Charchic
February 15th, 2008, 06:23 PM
Pokémon - Recor Adventures

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION MAY NOT BE SUITIBLE FOR ALL AGES. THIS FANFICTION HAS BEEN RATED T FOR TEEN.

Hello and welcome to the Region of Recor. I am Charchic, before reading this fanfiction it may help if you know how to pronounce Recor, (Wreck-Or). If you read this fanfiction please reply. Thanks. Enjoy!

CHAPTER ONE - TWILIGHT TOWN.

It was a typical day in the luxurious region of Recor. The sapphire skies where filled with Pidgey gliding by weightlessly, the lush green grassed filled with Growlife running round merrily chasing the little Vulpix, and the crystal blue seas where filled with Magicarp jumping around happily, it was a perfect day and everything was calm.

Michael Smith a young boy from Twilight Town woke up due to the screaming of an annoying Pidgey which was perched on top of his house.

"Piiid! Piiiiiiiidgey!" It called out loudly; Michael sighed with frustration and got out of bed, flinging his Royal Blue covers onto the floor. His hair was short and black and he has grass green eyes. He was only about five foot, which was quiet small for his age, he was fifteen. He has freckles upon his face and a scar down the side of his eye to under his mouth. Around his cream painted bedroom with a mahogany wooden floor was posters of Charmander, a metal desktop with a laptop on top of it and books, and a small black television and a lots of books, clothes and magazines thrown all over the floor.

He pushed his thumb on the button on the television and the blank screen sprung to life, a freaky looking old man with spiky purple hair, huge glasses and a wrinkled face appeared on the screen dancing with two Pokeballs in his hand, he was wearing a long white coat and tight brown leather pants, which Michael thought looked disgusting.

"I WANT YOU! TO BECOME MY NEW ASSISTANT!" A childish jingle then played on the television, it was like one of which an Ice Cream truck has, the old man danced again, "IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM! I AM PROFESSOR ALBERT WOODS, AND I NEED A NEW ASSISTANT TO HELP ME ON MY RESEARCH! THE ASSISTANT WILL GET A RARE POKEMON, SOME COOL PROFESSOR CLOTHES." Michael laughed at the 'Cool Professor Clothes comment', "AND THE CHANCE TO DANCE WITH ME! WOHOO! TO APPLY COME TO GOLDTHORN CITY LABRATORY AT TWELVE P.M SHARP, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO COME!" Michael looked at the again dancing Professor, deep in thought.

TO BE CONTINUED.

BakingBluePotatoe
February 15th, 2008, 08:38 PM
that needs to be longer... WAY longer

JX Valentine
February 15th, 2008, 09:41 PM
Quoted review because I'm lazy.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION MAY NOT BE SUITIBLE FOR ALL AGES. THIS FANFICTION HAS BEEN RATED T FOR TEEN.

You know, I'm often amused by people who give ratings to their own fics. I realize you can do it on FFNet, but usually, until you get a few chapters into the story, you really don't know whether or not your story fits the rating you've given it. I assume you're already a few chapters into the story (but have only posted one because you're a kind, sane author), so I'll be looking forward to some violence, sex, adult language, and whatever else would classify this work as T. (This is actually not sarcasm. I very rarely get to read a story that actually bothers with that sort of thing without doing it gratuitously.)

It was a typical day in the luxury region of Recor.

So, if Recor is a luxury region, does this mean that there's an economy region out there somewhere?

(I believe you mean "luxurious.")

The sapphire skies where

Be very careful with the use of the word "where." Where is a question word, an adverb indicating place. Were is a verb indicating a past action. You want were.

Also, you may want a period after "weightlessly" to avoid a run-on. Or at least reword the part about the lush, green grass to make it match the rest of the list.

the lush green grassed filled with Growlife running round merrily chasing the little Vulpix,

Um...

1. Comma after "lush" and "green." See, you want to separate out certain adjectives, and you do that with a comma.
2. Grassed? Um, how does one go about grassing, exactly?
3. Growlithe. Remember to check online Pokedexes to make sure you've spelled each Pokemon's name correctly. (You make a similar error with "Magikarp.")

Michael Smith a young boy from Twilight Town woke up due to the screaming of an annoying Hoothoot which was perched ontop of his house.

List format again.

1. Comma after "Smith" and "Town." The reason why is because you're separating out a parenthetical, or something that isn't part of the rest of the thought that is Michael Smith waking up to the screaming of a Hoothoot.
2. Aren't Hoothoot nocturnal? O_o What's one doing up during the day?
3. "Ontop" isn't actually a word. "On" and "top" as two different words, however, are.
4. You'll want to start a new paragraph here, as Hoothoot is technically speaking.

"Hooooot, hooooooot!" It called out loudly,

First off, again, this should be its own paragraph, separate from Michael waking up and Michael sighing. Just put it on its own line.

Second, because "it called out loudly" is a dialogue tag associated with a piece of dialogue before itself, you don't need to capitalize the "it," even though there's an exclamation point at the end. The reason why is because you're technically continuing the sentence until the final period (which is what should be there instead of a comma after "loudly," by the way).

Michael sighed with fustration

Okay, word of advice: type this in a word processor, such as Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, or whatever equivalent you might have, instead of typing it right on PC. That way, you can save your work (without having to publish it), and you have access to a spell checker.

As in, use the F7 key, as there's no such word as "fustration" either. (There's "frustration," however.)

If your language settings on your word processor aren't set to English, and that's why you have a few errors here and there, feel free to use this spell checker instead (http://wordweb.info/free/).

His hair was short and black and he has grass green eyes.

First off, this is actually a compound sentence. The way you can tell is by covering up the part after the conjunction (in this case, "and") and reading the part before it. See how it's a full sentence on its own? Now, move your hand to cover the part before the conjunction and read just the part after. See how that's a sentence too? That means that you have a compound waiting to happen, which means you need a comma and a conjunction.

Second, you actually switch tenses here from past ("was short") to present ("he has"). You'll need to choose one or the other.

He was only about five foot,

Feet.

which was quiet

Again, be careful about similar words. Here, you mean quite, not quiet... unless he was quiet as well.

small for his age, he was fifteen.

Uh, run-on. Drop the comma and opt for a period, although, really, you'll probably want to reword the sentence to avoid just plopping a random phrase in there and giving the story a choppy feel.

He has freckles upon his face,

On his face. Upon would imply that he put them there, which I really hope he didn't.

was posters

Since "posters" is plural, you'll want "were" here, actually.

"I WANT YOU! TO BECOME MY NEW ASSISTANT!"

Um... Is he really shouting constantly? (And even then, you could just state that he's shouting, rather than abuse the caps lock.)

SOME COOL PROFESSOR CLOTHES." Michael laughed at the 'Cool Professor Clothes comment', "AND THE CHANCE TO DANCE WITH ME!

Since this is the middle of a sentence, let me introduce you to a little-known friend: the dash. It's just two hyphens ( -- ), and it can indicate an interruption of thought. So, you could have the sentence about Michael laughing stand on its own as a full sentence without actually acting as a dialogue tag (which it really isn't, as Michael isn't the one speaking). For example...

SOME COOL PROFESSOR CLOTHES--" Michael laughed at the 'Cool Professor Clothes' comment. "--AND THE CHANCE TO DANCE WITH ME!

See what I mean? You're indicating that the spoken sentence doesn't stop with "clothes" but instead continues where the next dash is.

AT TWELVE A.M SHARP,

This would be midnight. O_o


So...

Grammar/Spelling

There's a few odd glitches here and there, but most of them could be fixed by running this through spell checker and then reading through the rest. Maybe even looking up comma rules as well.

Delivery

One thing I noticed is your description. You actually do a decent job describing visually what's going on, and I like that. You have a few awkward moments, though, so I really suggest getting a beta reader, or someone who will read over your work before you post it. That way, you have another pair of eyes to spot the awkward parts.

Plot/Details

The night/day thing (Hoothoot appearing during the day, Professor Woods inviting trainers to his house at midnight) struck me as odd, but other than that, I've seen worse in terms of details.

I would also like to compliment you on a possibly new spin on things. If you're creating a new researcher-to-be, then I'm glad someone out there thinks enough to avoid the usual "new trainer" story. If not, eh, you've grabbed my curiosity to want to continue reading, and usually, I don't bother.

However, I must say, though, that this was incredibly short and definitely not yet up to that T rating. The finer details need to be cleaned up, which you can do with either a spell checker or a beta reader, and I'm thinking you'll be able to keep your audience if you lengthened your chapters.

Otherwise, I'd say this would probably be an average fic. There were parts I didn't like (as stated above) but parts that were okay in my view.

Charchic
February 15th, 2008, 09:47 PM
Thanks alot for all that critism, yeah you where right, I should of put it through a spell checker. Uhhhm, Hoothoot are not Nocturnal in Recor. Lol only joking. Yeah your critism helps. I will put all that into action in the next chapter. Thanks for the help.

Charchic
February 15th, 2008, 09:53 PM
Alright. I have made a few changes, the spelling is better now and I have changed A.M to P.M, uhhmm, I think it is okay now.