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killin_kobra
February 23rd, 2008, 08:44 PM
Hello, fellow writers! This is the first time I've posted here and the first story I've written, so please be kind! Ok, here it comes: ( Bold means not in story)

Chapter 1

Hi, I’m Craig. I’m from the Sinnoh region. I’ve been waiting out front of Prof. Mangrove’s lab with my friend Jason for an hour. We’re getting our first Pokemon today. I'm getting Chimchar hopefully. Jason’s from the Johto region. His Dad’s a mechanic at the Pokemon Radio Station there.

‘You can come in now’ says Prof. Mangrove. We walk into the spacious lab. There are cupboards all over the wall with Pokedolls on them. In the middle of the room there is a table with a machine and 10 Pokeballs. That is what we came for. ‘O.k. you can choose 2 of these Pokemon’ said Prof. Mangrove pointing to the table. Jason walked over to the table and said ‘Can I please have Turtwig? Where’s Totodile’ ‘Well it and Chimchar don’t exactly like being in their representative Pokeballs. I’ll go get them.’

Prof. Mangrove comes back with a small chimp and a crocodile like creature. ‘Chim-chimchar’ ‘Tototodile’ The Totodile walked up to Jason and shook his hand. Jason walks over and puts the Pokèball named Turtwig in his belt. ‘Prof. Mangrove, can I get a Chimchar and Treeko?’ I asked anxiously. ‘O.k.’ He answered. I walk over and picked up the Pokeball marked Treeko and put it in my belt. Chimchar walks up and hops on my shoulder. ‘Before you go I would be honoured to give you these Pokedexes’ Prof. Mangrove said. He hands us 2 high-tech encyclopaedias. ‘You kids should go to Jubilife City first. Bye!’


See ya next time

killin_kobra
February 28th, 2008, 06:29 PM
Here is Part 2:


Chapter 2

We immediately set out for Jubilife City. About half way we came across two trainers. ‘Hi, want a battle?’ said the boy. ‘O.k.’ Jason and I impatiently ‘Go Starly’ said the boy ‘Go Shinx’ said the girl. ‘Go Treeko’ ‘Go Totodile’ Totodile jumps out from the side of Jason ‘Starly use Quick Attack on his Totodile’ said the boy. Luckily Jason’s Totodile was pretty tough so it just hung on. ‘Treeko use Pound.’ Treeko jumped up and slammed the Starly into a rock. ‘Shinx use spark on Treeko’ Bzzz. SMASH! Treeko spun out of the way at the last second and Shinx smashed through a rock. Shinx fainted.

But Treeko was to busy watching Shinx to see a Wing Attack coming from Starly. Whack! Treeko went flying and landed in the stream. ‘Return Treeko’ I said sadly and a red light came out of Pokeball pointing towards the stream. Meanwhile Jason’s Totodile was sneaking up on the Starly. ‘Quick. Use Water Gun, Totodile.’

Totodile shoots a powerful stream of water at the vulnerable Starly. It went flying into another rock sending pieces of rock everywhere. ‘No! Starly!’ said the boy. ‘Yes! We won our first battle!’ Jason and I said simultaneously. We left and got to Jubilife City eventually and went to the Pokemon Centre. We healed our Pokémon and went to sleep. It was a big day.

BakingBluePotatoe
March 1st, 2008, 01:59 AM
uhhg.... this reminds me of a 1/4 paper from english class... >.>

You really should add more description.... for example, describe Tododile/Chimchar/Starly/Whatever other Pokemon you had.

this does show some promise though. Keep trying.

killin_kobra
March 1st, 2008, 08:05 PM
Thank you. I'll try to descibe a few more details. Thanks again

bobandbill
March 1st, 2008, 10:34 PM
A little on the short side, and certainly lacking in description and the such. There are a few simple mistakes that you've made as well. Let's take your second paragraph:
‘You can come in now,’ says Prof. Mangrove. We walk into the spacious lab. There are cupboards all over the wall with Pokedolls on them. In the middle of the room there is a table with a machine and 10 Pokeballs. That is what we came for. ‘O.k. you can choose 2 of these Pokemon,’ said Prof. Mangrove pointing to the table. Jason walked over to the table and said ‘Can I please have Turtwig? Where’s Totodile?’ ‘Well it and Chimchar don’t exactly like being in their representative Pokeballs. I’ll go get them.’

Simple mistakes firstly in the dialogue - use commas, fullstops or even question marks when required - remember, spoken sentences are still sentences and either end with a full stop/question mark/whatever, or are continued with a comma if it links in with the following sentence.

There is some tense confusion there as well (says - said), and normally, 'O.k.' is spelt 'OK', and when you include numbers, egneral rule of thumb is to write out numbers less than one hundred.

Look for simple mistakes like that - spell check on Word should weed out the majority as well (but then again, it's Word...).

Also, with your description that you HAVE used... it is somewhat lacking. When describing something, instead of telling us what is happening or what it is, show us what it looks like, feels like, etc. Paint us a picture of words and let us visualize, instead of just telling us the facts - 'this is a Pokemon called Turtwig' isn't as good as describing the Pokemon in full, like it's size, colour, general shape, etc.

Characters are a little shallow - we don't know much about them, or their personalities. At the moment they seem like the common 'I'm going to be the best!' novice trainers in fics - try to give them a personality, and make them realistic characters as well.

If you expand on your description, then the story will thus be longer as well, instead of being three paragraphs long for a chapter.

At least the battle wasn't so bad - had something happening in it rather than one-hit KO's, but could have been expanded upon - more description of what the attacks looked like and so on.

Anyway, good luck with any future chapters you may do. It's not that bad, but the story could use a good polish.

Pupil GhostPsychicIceDragon
March 2nd, 2008, 03:29 AM
Write!Encouragement for you> , < Kudos and good luck to you.

killin_kobra
March 3rd, 2008, 06:31 PM
Chapter 3

When I woke up Jason had already gone. ‘Chimchim!’ Chimchar was trying to wake up Totodile. I strolled outside with Chimchar and Totodile looking for Jason. ‘Hi! What you up to sleepy head?’ said a familiar voice. It was Jason; he had just come out of the Trainer School.

‘I’m from the Pokétch Company. I’d love to give you these Pokétches but first you must defeat me in a battle?’ said a man with a beard. ‘

O.k.’ says Jason. ‘Go Totodile’ ‘Go Pinsir’ Out of the man’s Pokeball came a giant bug with 2 big horns. By now about 20 people had come to watch the battle. ‘Pinsir use Megahorn!’ ‘Totodile dodge and use Water Gun’ Totodile ran towards a tree, did a handstand and the Pinsir smashed into the tree. Next Totodile shot a spray of water at it digging its horn deeper into the tree. ‘Return Pinsir.’ A red light shot out of the Pokeball and the Pinsir disappeared.

‘O.k. You win.’ said the Pokétch worker. He hands Jason and I a watch each. ‘Cool’ says Jason. ‘Oh. Craig, I looked up at the Trainer School. We should go to Oreburgh City. That’s were the first Gym is.’

Astinus
March 3rd, 2008, 06:48 PM
Your last chapter is rather short. :/ There's more you could have added to it. And then there's the fact that if the paragraphs were properly spaced, it would be longer.

O.k.’ says Jason. ‘Go Totodile’ ‘Go Pinsir’ Out of the man’s Pokeball came a giant bug with 2 big horns. By now about 20 people had come to watch the battle. ‘Pinsir use Megahorn!’ ‘Totodile dodge and use Water Gun’ Totodile ran towards a tree, did a handstand and the Pinsir smashed into the tree. Next Totodile shot a spray of water at it digging its horn deeper into the tree. ‘Return Pinsir.’ A red light shot out of the Pokeball and the Pinsir disappeared.

This will become

O.k.’ says Jason. ‘Go Totodile’

‘Go Pinsir’ Out of the man’s Pokeball came a giant bug with 2 big horns. By now about 20 people had come to watch the battle. ‘Pinsir use Megahorn!’

‘Totodile dodge and use Water Gun’ Totodile ran towards a tree, did a handstand and the Pinsir smashed into the tree. Next Totodile shot a spray of water at it digging its horn deeper into the tree.

‘Return Pinsir.’ A red light shot out of the Pokeball and the Pinsir disappeared.

You start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks. So Jason speaks in his own paragraph, and then the man gets his dialogue in his own paragraph.

There's also the fact that you're missing punctuation. A few of your sentences don't have ending full stops/exclamation points/question marks/what have you.

Let's keep looking at that battle. In fact, let's take out one line. " 'Pinsir use Megahorn!' "Right after it is Jason's command for Totodile.

Pause for a bit. What happened to Pinsir's Megahorn? How does Pinsir look as it attacks? It's obviously charging at Totodile, but are its pincers glowing? And what's the expression on its face?

So, let's try this:

‘Pinsir use Megahorn!’ the man ordered.

The brown Bug-type glared at Totodile. In anger, Pinsir's set of claws on top of its head glowed with energy. It began charging at Totodile, showing no sign of slowing down.

See? Something like that.

Just listen to bobandbill's advice about grammar, and try your hand at more description. Good luck!

killin_kobra
April 10th, 2008, 10:43 PM
Chapter 4

So we walked towards the tunnel in Mt. Coronet.
‘Wow! What’s that?’ said Jason excitedly as he saw a small creature asleep next to a tree.
–Abra: the teleportation Pokémon- said my Pokédex.
‘I want it’ we both say. So we both throw Pokeballs at it. One of the Pokeballs bounce off the other, while he other catches it.
‘It’s my Abra’ I say.
‘No its mine and you can't take it’ says Jason.
‘O.k. then lets battle for it’
‘Go Turtwig’
‘Go Chimchar’
‘Turtwig, withdraw!’ Turtwig rolled into a ball and its shell hardened into a metal-coated shell.

‘Chimchar use Ember.’ Chimchar pulled back its head and took a deep breath. Small fires shot out at the Turtwig but its defences were just too strong.
‘Turtwig use razor leaf!’ Turtwig kicked up some leafs and shot them at Chimchar with a gust of wind.
‘No! Chimchar’ Then Chimchar unexpectedly uses ember. This ember was stronger and faster. Turtwig’s razor leaves caught fire and were fired back at their original owner. ‘Turtwig dodge!’ But it was too late. The leaves hit him and small tortoise fainted. ‘No! Turtwig Return! That’s it. Go Totodile!’
‘Tototodile’ said the miniature blue crocodile as he jumped out from behind Jason. Without warning it shot a powerful beam of water at Chimchar straight away.

‘Chimchar run away!’ I yelled to him. But Chimchar was too distracted by a Starly flying by. Chimchar was blasted into a nearby tree and fainted in a pitiful heap.
‘Go Treeko’ I said as I threw my Pokèball. I ran and picked up my Chimchar and sat him in a shady place near the tree.
‘Quick! Treeko use bullet seed!’ The gecko ran to a tree and started eating some berries. Then with tremendous power loads of seeds flying at rocket speed came flying out of Treeko’s mouth towards the croc. Lots of the seeds hit Totodile but it was just fast enough to dodge a really powerful seed from an Oran berry.
‘Totodile use Rage!’ Totodile ran full blast at Treeko with the anger of a Rhyhorn that was awakened. SMASH! Dust covered everywhere blocking my eyes from seeing the result of the battle.

The dust was clearing gradually revealing the battle field. On the ground laid a crocodile with wounds to its side. The gecko stood at Totodile’s side with its small clawed foot on its stomach. Treeko had dodged at the last second which caused Totodile to smash into a rock.
‘Yes! I got an Abra!’ I yelled at the top of my voice. I picked up my Pokèball and put it in one of the vacant places on my belt.
‘Um Craig, I need to get to a Pokémon centre, NOW!’ cried Jason.
‘O.k. lets go!’ I replied. So we ran off and through Oreburgh Gate. When we got to the other side we went to the Pokémon Centre.
‘Go Pokéballs’ Jason and I yelled. We played with our Pokémon for a bit after Nurse Joy had healed them. Turtwig gave Totodile a ride. Abra sat there dreaming in his own world. Treeko and Chimchar were swinging around in the trees playing tag. The next day Jason and I went to the Gym.

‘I’ll go in first.’ I said.
‘I’ll go and take a walk with my Pokémon then’ said Jason as he wandered off. When I went in there was a guy wearing a scarlet helmet and a grey shirt and trousers in the middle of an arena of rocks, steel rafters and a circular arena in the shape of a Pokéball.
‘I am Roark the Rock Gym Leader. I shall defeat you and proof my worth to my father!’ said Roark, who only looked about twenty-five or something.

‘Go Abra’
‘Go Cranidos’ Roark sent out his indigo and grey Rock-type dinosaur. It had a scar across its head as if it had been in a battle of life and death.
‘Abra! Use Psywave’ Abra floated up into the air, clenched his hands together and shot a powerful wave of psychic energy.
‘Cranidos, dodge and use Headbutt!’ Cranidos obeyed its command but slipped as it was dodging.
‘Abra, use Psywave on Cranidos’ leg!’ Abra hit this time sending Cranidos into the wall.
‘Cranidos, use Zen Headbutt!’ Cranidos’ head started glowing a violet and red colour. It started charging at Abra but tripped at the last second. Due to the Psywave smashing into its leg, it had broken one of its leg bones.

‘OK, Abra defeat it with a Psybeam!’ Abra hit Cranidos in its scar on it’s forehead causing it to faint much to my delight.
‘Yes!’ I yelled cheerfully. I was as happy as a Blissey.
‘Return Cranidos. Go Onix.’ Roark’s giant snake-like Pokémon came out of its Pokéball and slithered into the arena.
‘Return Abra. Go Chimchar.’
‘Chim?’ The chimp wondered why I sent him out to battle an Onix. It was clearly at a disadvantage. But I knew what I was doing.
‘Trust me.’ I said. Chimchar jumped off of my shoulder and ran over to the battle, knowing I wouldn’t let him down
‘Chimchar use Headbutt!’ Chimchar ran as fast as a Rapidash (Well, as fast as a chimp can) at Onix smashing into it. Too bad, it wasn’t very effective but all part of my plan.
‘Onix, Rock Throw!’
Onix smashed its tail into the rocky ground sending boulders smashing into Chimchar who was buried under the stack.
‘Perfect.’ I said. Suddenly an intense light came out from under the rocks, which were sent flying into Onix…

Post Office Buddy
April 11th, 2008, 06:47 AM
You really need to add more to your chapters. What is basically happening in each chapter is: chapter begins, one thing happens, chapter ends. It should be more like: chapter begins, minor plot point, major plot point that takes up 1/2 page or so, minor plot point, extra dialog, chapter ends.

All you really need to do is try to put as much into each chapter as you possibly can. 3-4 pages per chapter in Word is usually a good amount to build a decent fanbase (provided that the fanfic is interesting). If you have a short but interesting story, running around 10-20 lines per chapter, no one will read it because of the length. Everyone knows that you can't develop a character in that little space.

I noticed as well that you kind of copied Turtwig and Chimchar's personalities from Pikachu from the anime. Since Pikachu and Meowth were the only Pokemon I had seen that disliked being in a Pokeball (Togepi doesn't count), I don't know if this is a good idea. It kind of takes from your originality and makes it seem more like a Sinnoh version of the original anime.

Astinus
April 11th, 2008, 11:56 AM
There is still more description you could put in. I'm just talking about what it is that the two characters see. Like here:

‘Wow! What’s that?’ said Jason excitedly.
What's what? The previous sentence had the two boys walking towards Mt. Coronet. Then Jason spots something. What does he see? You have the next sentence be the Pokedex talking about an Abra. Well, can't we at least see the Abra doing something to make Jason see it? Is it just sitting there? Is it practicing its attacks? What is it doing?

On the plus side, you do have a better grasp on describing battles. So just work on describing everything along with the battles.

Ash&pikachuarethebest
April 12th, 2008, 02:57 AM
Killin_kobra I just have one thing to say, act on advise that people give you cause if you don't then you will never be able to attract more people to you read your stories cause it looks like a 5 year old has wrote this please i hate being harsh but you have done very little to improve the quality of your chapters and they are still to short. so start improving otherwise people will give up on you.

killin_kobra
April 25th, 2008, 10:41 PM
Thanks guys for the advice. I added on Chptr 4

killin_kobra
May 2nd, 2008, 10:25 PM
Ok. I need more reviews for chapter 5

Ninja Caterpie
May 2nd, 2008, 11:55 PM
What? Why do you need reviews? People will...Pokemon...All live toge- Oh sorry there...
Well Uh... I guess The chapters are rather teensy...
Probably stick two together or something...
But they should still be on the same subject... GAH...
Oh wells...