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Cynic Kaka
February 24th, 2008, 10:47 AM
Some content may not be suitable for those under 13


Dialouge key= - - is Speedscorch = = is Steven > < is Sapphire ' ' is Danny





The Flame of Phoenix Chronicles: Book 1

Speedscorch



Prologue

In medieval times, there were beasts capable of destroying a continent. Dragons feared the beasts. Their wings were made of fire. They fed on dragon’s blood. They are called phoenixes. They had a leader, Speedscorch, black and yellow. There were 2 evil Phoenix twins called Luna and Sol. They were spies for the rebellion of dragons. There were 10 specimens of phoenixes, Air, Scorch, Static, Sea, Land, Darkness, Light, Mythical, Space, and Gravity. Luna and Sun destroyed the Space and Gravity specimens. All the Phoenixes put half of their flame into the Sacrificial Ritual Cemetery. Speedscorch, Scorch and Light, had seeked the one who could restore all lost. He was the sorcerer, Stephen. Before Scorch set off, he saw a tremendous eclipse of a roc. What could it mean?



Chapter 1: The Beginning


Our hero, Stephen, lay in his bed. He was 12 years old, and yet he still felt strange. He thought it was puberty, but he didn’t know he had special powers. Stephen had dark black hair. He had dark blue eyes. During lunch, Stephen heard a scream. “AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!” Curious, he dashed down the stairs. When he got to the kitchen, Stephen couldn’t believe his eyes. A blazing black and yellow bird was gaping at him. -Hello. I am Speedscorch.- What was that? Perhaps he had gone crazy. -I am communicating through your thoughts. Try it.- =I like eggs.= -Take me up to your room.- So they went to his room. =So Scorch, what’s with the entrance?= -Well, it’s not like I broke a window and some glasses.- Just then, Steve’s mother called, “Stephen! CLEAN UP THIS GLASS!” Steve shot a look at the phoenix.

=So, you didn’t do anything?= - Well, sorry for bringing good news and bad news.- Stephen did a double take. =Say what? Good news?= - Yes Stephen.- =What’s the- Hey! How’d you know my name?= - Well, I am a psychic.- Just then Stephen had remembered why. =My mom said my name!= - Well, anyway, the good news is, you’re a sorcerer. The bad news: We need your help.- = I’m a sorcerer?=

The day after, school had started, and Speedscorch was in Stephen’s backpack. Scorch had taught two spells: Flame Blast, and Shock, to him. All of a sudden, there was 1 girl and 1 boy. They both had phoenixes. -Stephen! Go to the girl phoenix! Giggity goo!- Well, he’s my responsibility now…. Steven thought. He walked over. I wonder if…..? -=Hello.= > What the hell…Tania? What hapened to your voice?< = No, this is Stephen. Let me guess. You’re a sorceress? And your Phoenix is Tania?= >How’d you know… oh never mind.< =What’s your name? = >Sapphire.< ‘Hello.’ >Ahhh! Who are you?< ‘I am a sorcerer named Danny./ =Wow, we could be the Sorcer Trio!= Danny and Sapphire glared at Stephen. =What? Next thing you know, we’ll have to go to Sorcerer School. Plus, school’s going to be closed due to a fight= Just then 3 dragons popped in and gave the Trio letters. Writer’s convenience! Meanwhile the Phoenixes were hunting for dragons. -Man, I’m thirsty! {Gasp} DRAGONS! That means blood! - The war began. The Phoenixes did loop-de-loops, spiral spins, and twists. Finally, they got them. Oh, boy! Lunch!

School was closed due to weird appearances of flying mythical creatures. So the Trio went to Steven’s house. Let’s open the letters.

Dear Sorcerer {ess},

You are welcome to the school, Drantroloin. You will need supplies: Pet, Phoenix, Dragon, or Roc, Books of Fire, Air, Water, and Earth, and the Ultimate Pet Guide.

-We have books on those. Air, Water, Fire, and Earth, I mean! Ok, bring ‘em in!.-

Trainer Kat
February 24th, 2008, 11:07 AM
The premise/plot is interesting. However, it's difficult to read due to the "dialogue key". I had to constantly refer back to it. You don't have to do different dialogue markers. You can do something like

When he got to the kitchen, Stephen couldn’t believe his eyes. A blazing black and yellow bird was gaping at him.

"Hello," the bird began. "I am Speedscorch."

This makes it clear that it is Speedscorch who's speaking, and eliminates the confusing dialogue key.

It's pretty good. Just work it a bit and you'll get better in no time. If you'd like, you could get a beta reader, who could help you proofread.

Good luck on the next chapter!

Cynic Kaka
February 24th, 2008, 11:11 AM
Thanks! By the way, the use telepathy, but I'll still edt it! But I just need to get a beta reader...