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PartyPikachu
February 27th, 2008, 8:31 AM
Plouge: Beginning of the End

Pikachu, Piplup, Buizel, and Turtwig is resting under a shady tree.

"Ahhh... It's such a nice day." said Pikachu.

"And the sun is nice for the sprout on the top of my head!" exclaimed Turtwig.

"Nothing will ruin this day." said Buizel.

"Don't ever say something like that! You'll jinxs eerything up!" screamed Piplup. Then, dark clouds fills up the sky and shadows appears on the ground. Then, a swirling mass of energy floated down on the ground. "See what you can do?" yelled Piplup. The swirling mass broke appart and a large cat was shown floating. It was Mewtwo.

"Mewtwo!" yelled Pikachu.

"Yes. I am back, but this time, to rule the world!" laughed Mewtwo.

"No! Spare the cupcakes!" cried Turtwig. Piplup smacks him.

"Get a hold of yourself." said Piplup.

"We're going to stop you Mewtwo, no matter what!" yelled Pikachu.

"Try me." said Mewtwo. All four Pokemon rushes towards Mewtwo. "Take this!" yelled Mewtwo. He forms a Shadow Ball and punches the four into the sky.

"Whaa!" screamed Piplup and Turtwg as they flew over a mountain.

"Help me!" cried Buizel, flying into the ocean.

"You'll pay for this Mewtwo!" yelled Pikachu, who flew in a place unknown.

"Now for the ultimate phase, blowing this place up!" laughed Mewtwo. He pushes a Shadow Ball into the ground and warps away. After a few seconds, the Shadow Ball explodes, destroying the area. Then, a dark forest grows in it's place.

In an unkown forest...

Pikachu woke up in a tree.

"Huh? Where am I?" asked Pikachu. He looked around the forest.

Trainer Kat
February 27th, 2008, 8:53 AM
Plouge: Beginning of the End

Pikachu, Piplup, Buizel, and Turtwig were resting under a shady tree.

"Ahhh... It's such a nice day." said Pikachu.

"And the sun is nice for the sprout on the top of my head!" exclaimed Turtwig.

"Nothing will ruin this day." said Buizel.

"Don't ever say something like that! You'll jinx everything up!" screamed Piplup. Then, dark clouds filled up the sky and shadows appeared on the ground. Then, a swirling mass of energy floated down on the ground. "See what you can do?" yelled Piplup. The swirling mass broke appart and a large cat was could be seen hovering above the ground. It was Mewtwo.

"Mewtwo!" yelled Pikachu.

"Yes. I am back, but this time, to rule the world!" laughed Mewtwo.

"No! Spare the cupcakes!" cried Turtwig. Piplup smacked him.

"Get a hold of yourself." said Piplup.

"We're going to stop you Mewtwo, no matter what!" yelled Pikachu.

"Try me." said Mewtwo. All four Pokemon rushed towards Mewtwo. "Take this!" yelled Mewtwo. He formed a Shadow Ball and punched the four into the sky.

"Whaa!" screamed Piplup and Turtwg as they flew over a mountain.

"Help me!" cried Buizel, flying into the ocean.

"You'll pay for this Mewtwo!" yelled Pikachu, who flew in a place unknown.

"Now for the ultimate phase, blowing this place up!" laughed Mewtwo. He pushed a Shadow Ball into the ground and warped away. After a few seconds, the Shadow Ball exploded, destroying the area. Then, a dark forest grows in its place.

In an unkown forest...

Pikachu woke up in a tree.

"Huh? Where am I?" asked Pikachu. He looked around the forest.

Corrections are in bold.

Wow, um...you change tenses a lot. Make it either past or present tense, but not both. Also, you need a lot more detail. I know this is a Pokémon forum, but you should never assume that your reader knows what a Turtwig looks like. As an author, your stories should be able to appeal to a universal audience, not just one who enjoys Pokémon.

It needs some work. It's not horrible, you could just do so much more with it.

For example, instead of
"He formed a Shadow Ball and punched the four into the sky."

You could write,
"Mewtwo brought his hands together, energy gathering in his palms, slowly forming a large purple sphere. When the ball of energy had reached critical mass, the Pokémon positioned his hands, pointing them towards his targets. Before they could react, Mewtwo released the attack. It collided with the four Pokémon, sending them flying into the air."

See how much better that looks? You can visualize it. Though, I'll admit, my paragraph's not very good. x.X I did it in like, 30 seconds.

Don't go copy/pasting my paragraph, though. Think of how you want the audience to visualize the attack, and then transfer that into words.

With a little more description, you could be pretty good.

I hope this helped. ^^;;

PartyPikachu
February 28th, 2008, 7:36 AM
Chapter 1: The Nuzleaf Tribe and Team Rocket

"Hello? Anyone?" asked Pikachu. There was no reply. "I guess I have to travel." said Pikachu. He walked and walked. Till he heard a noise.

"Someone's coming." whispered a voice.

"Who's there?" asked Pikachu. Then, a wooden straw came out of a bunch of leaves a needle is shot. It hits Pikachu and he gets knocked out.
---
"Hey. Wake up." said a voice. Pikachu's eyes opens up to see a Nuzleaf.

"Who are you?" asked Pikachu.

"I'm Nuzzo, and we are at the Nuzleaf Tribe." said the Nuzleaf. He pointed at a village in the trees. There were many Nuzleafs, working. There were Nuzleafs gaurding the trees, Nuzleafs cooking with a visitor Charmander, and a Nuzleaf entertaining tourists. There was also many houses made of leaves and wood.

"Amazing." said Pikachu.

"Yes, I know. You'll take a rest here." said Nuzzo.

"But-" asked Pikachu.

"You'll ask questions in the morning, when the poison from the needle is out of you." said Nuzzo. Pikachu weakly walked into an inn.

Near the new dark forest...

There was a few Pokemon hiding behind the bushes. They were Team Rocket.

"Wow! The Boss Persian will be amazed if I bring that powerful dark Pokemon!" said Meowth excitently.

"But he's just too powerful!" screamed Mime Jr.

"I agree." said Wobbufect.

"Well, than we should gather some friends. Now quick, to the balloon!" said Meowth. They inflate the balloon and they get inside. They float out of the area.

At the Nuzleaf Tribe...

Nuzzo and Pikachu are sitting next to a fire, eating.

"So, why did you attack me?" asked Pikachu.

"Because I thought you were the dark one." explained Nuzzo.

"The dark one?" asked Pikachu.

"Mewtwo to be precise." said Nuzzo. Above of the village was Mewtwo, laughing. However, no one noticed.

"That Nuzleaf looks like he needs a good brainwashing!" laughed Mewtwo. He focased on Nuzzo and snapped his fingers. "You are very sleepy..." said Mewtwo.

"I am very sleepy..." said Nuzzo.

"What's happening?" asked Pikachu.

"You will attack the village! Anyone who gets in your way must be brought to me!" commanded Mewtwo.

"Yes master." said Nuzzo. He pointed his wooden straw at Pikachu.

"Whaa!" screamed Pikachu, avoiding some shot needles. He clibered on top of a house. Pikachu spots Mewtwo floating in the sky.

"Mewtwo! You'll pay for brainwashing my friend!" yelled Pikachu.

"Crud. I must leave." said Mewtwo. Pikachu tried to shock him, but Mewtwo teleported.

With Team Rocket....

"Shhh! I see Mewtwo flying in front of us. Don't make a noise." said Meowth.

"Wobbufect!" said Wobbufect.

"Shut up!" yelled Mime Jr.

"Sorry. I just like saying that." said Wobbufect.

"Shhh! Shut up before-" said Meowth. But he turns to see Mewtwo, pointing a Shadow Ball at them. "Aw crud." said Meowth. Mewtwo shot the Shadow Ball at them, blowing up the balloon.

"We're blasting off again!" screamed Meowth, Mime Jr, Wobbufect.

To be continued...

Trainer Kat
February 28th, 2008, 8:11 AM
Chapter 1: The Nuzleaf Tribe and Team Rocket

"Hello? Anyone?" asked Pikachu. There was no reply. "I guess I have to travel." said Pikachu. He walked and walked until he heard a noise.

"Someone's coming," whispered a voice.

"Who's there?" asked Pikachu. Then, a wooden straw came out of a bunch of leaves a needle is shot. It hit Pikachu and knocked him out.
---
"Hey. Wake up," said a voice. Pikachu's eyes opened up to see a Nuzleaf.

"Who are you?" asked Pikachu.

"I'm Nuzzo, and we are at the Nuzleaf Tribe," said the Nuzleaf. He pointed at a village in the trees. There were many Nuzleaf working. There were Nuzleaf guarding the trees, Nuzleaf cooking with a visitor Charmander, and a Nuzleaf entertaining tourists. There were also many houses made of leaves and wood.

"Amazing," said Pikachu.

"Yes, I know. You'll take a rest here," said Nuzzo.

"But-" Pikachu began.

"You'll ask questions in the morning, when the poison from the needle is out of you," said Nuzzo. Pikachu weakly walked into an inn.

Near the new dark forest...

There were a few Pokemon hiding behind the bushes. They were Team Rocket.

"Wow! The Boss Persian will be amazed if I bring that powerful dark Pokemon!" said Meowth excitedly.

"But he's just too powerful!" screamed Mime Jr.

"I agree," said Wobbuffet.

"Well, than we should gather some friends. Now quick, to the balloon!" said Meowth. They inflated the balloon and got inside. They floated out of the area.

At the Nuzleaf Tribe...

Nuzzo and Pikachu were sitting next to a fire, eating.

"So, why did you attack me?" asked Pikachu.

"Because I thought you were the dark one," explained Nuzzo.

"The dark one?" asked Pikachu.

"Mewtwo to be precise," said Nuzzo. Above of the village was Mewtwo, laughing. However, no one noticed.

"That Nuzleaf looks like he needs a good brainwashing!" laughed Mewtwo. He focused on Nuzzo and snapped his fingers. "You are very sleepy..." said Mewtwo.

"I am very sleepy..." said Nuzzo.

"What's happening?" asked Pikachu.

"You will attack the village! Anyone who gets in your way must be brought to me!" commanded Mewtwo.

"Yes master," said Nuzzo. He pointed his wooden straw at Pikachu.

"Whaa!" screamed Pikachu, avoiding some shot needles. He climbed on top of a house. Pikachu spotted Mewtwo floating in the sky.

"Mewtwo! You'll pay for brainwashing my friend!" yelled Pikachu.

"Crud. I must leave," said Mewtwo. Pikachu tried to shock him, but Mewtwo teleported.

With Team Rocket....

"Shhh! I see Mewtwo flying in front of us. Don't make a noise." said Meowth.

"Wobbuffet!" said Wobbuffet.

"Shut up!" yelled Mime Jr.

"Sorry. I just like saying that," said Wobbuffet.

"Shhh! Shut up before-" Meowth began. But he turned to see Mewtwo, pointing a Shadow Ball at them. "Aw crud," said Meowth. Mewtwo shot the Shadow Ball at them, blowing up the balloon.

"We're blasting off again!" screamed Meowth, Mime Jr, and Wobbuffet.

To be continued...

x.x Still need to work on your tenses, dude.
A couple things:
1.) It's Wobbuffet, not Wobbufect.
2.) I have no idea what "clibered" means, as it isn't a word, so I changed it to "climbed".
3.) I don't think Mewtwo would say crud. But maybe that's just me. Either way, it doesn't really affect the story much.

Just...work on your grammar and spelling more. Maybe get a beta reader--they might help you.

PartyPikachu
February 28th, 2008, 7:20 PM
Chapter 2: Escape!

Nuzzo was poisoning many of the Pokemon running/flying around. Pikachu was hiding behind a bush. Pikachu spotted Mewtwo, floating down.

"Oh no. Mewtwo." said Pikachu.

"You did well." said Mewtwo.

"I'm glad I pleased you, master." said Nuzzo. Mewtwo focased on the Pokemon suffering from Nuzzo's poison. He snapped his fingers and the Pokemon stopped struggling.

"Slaves, find the one called Pikachu." said Mewtwo.

"Yes master!" yelled the Pokemon, who began searching for Pikachu.

"I'm dead." said Pikachu. "I need to something to distract those goons." said Pikachu. Then, everyone heard screaming. Everyone looked up and Meowth sailed out and hit a Charmander.

"Erg... Oh crud! Mewtwo!" screamed Meowth.

"Get him!" yelled Mewtwo. All the Pokemon except Pikachu began chasing Meowth. Pikachu started walking towards the gate out. Then he stopped midway.

"If Meowth helped me, I should help him." said Pikachu to himself. The Pokemon began to close in on Meowth.

"Someone! Help me!" screamed Meowth. Then, Pikachu headbuts through the Pokemon and grabs Meowth, he turned to and ran through the gate.

"Pikachu! You- you-" began Meowth.

"No time for talking! We have to hurry!" yelled Pikachu. The Pokemon began chasing them.

"Stop. We can't catch up. We have to deply the bomb." said Mewtwo. He shoves a Shadow Ball into a nearby tree. The Pokemon surrounds Mewtwo and teleports away. Then, the Shadow Ball explodes and begins to engulf the trees.

"Ahhh! We'll never make it!" cried Meowth.

"We can, but it'll be drastic. VOLT TACKLE!" yelled Pikachu. Pikachu and Meowth gets engulfed by electricity and Pikachu began running at super high speeds, outrunning the explosion.

"Pikachu! There's a cliff ahead!" yelled Meowth.

"Oh no. I can't stop running!" cried Pikachu. Pikachu rushes over the cliff....

What happens to Pikachu and Meowth? Find out in the next chapter!

PartyPikachu
March 2nd, 2008, 4:40 PM
Does anyone like this? D=

masterman2332
March 2nd, 2008, 4:45 PM
I say that mewtwo who win the battel.

PartyPikachu
March 3rd, 2008, 6:49 PM
Chapter 2, Part 2: Escape!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Pikachu and Meowth was falling down a bottomless pit.

"We're doomed Pikachu!" screamed Meowth.

"Not to worry. A branch should appear then some flying Pokemon will rescue us." explained Pikachu.

"But that only happens in movies!" yelled Meowth.

Then, Pikachu's tail grabs a branch, saving Meowth and Pikachu.

"See? We're saved." said Pikachu.

"But there is no rescue." replied Meowth. Then, a Charizard flies by.

"Need a lift?" asked the Charizard. Pikachu looks at Meowth with his, "I told you so," look. Meowth shurgs and they jump onto the Charizard and they fly off. Pikachu spots the Shadow Ball explosion clear up. It now reveals a dark desert.

"Mewtwo will pay for this. Oh will he pay so much." said Pikachu.

With Mewtwo...

Mewtwo and the Pokemon was in a machine base. The Pokemon looked at Mewtwo, awaiting orders.

"Servants, you all failed getting me that Pikachu. Now I want you to find Pikachu's friends, Buizel, Piplup, and Turtwig." said Mewtwo, holding up pictures. The Pokemon obediantly nodded. The small Pokemon gets onto the big Pokemon and they leave.

To be continued...

Chapter 3 coming soon!