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Trainer-Matt
March 14th, 2008, 03:34 PM
Chapter 1

Ash was battling Paul in the sinnoh pokemon league. It was the final battle and if Ash won, he would winthe Sinnoh pokemon leauge. Both had two pokemon left each. Ash had Torterra out and Paul had his Torterra out too! "Torterra, Vine Whip" Paul said. Paul's Torterra threw it's vines at Ash's Torterra. Ash's Torterra dodged it. "Torterra, Solar Beam" Ash said, His Torterra drew sunlight in and it released it in a form of energy. It shot at Paul's Torterra. It cried in pain, already being weak from other battles. Paul's Torterra was knocked out."Danm it, Return" Paul said, puting Torterra back in its ball. Paul threw a pokeball out and in a form of light, an Elctrive apeared. "Now, Ash, ready to loose?" Paul said. "No way, Im gonna beat you, and get revenge on you for what you did to Charizard" Ash said. "Torterra, Razor Leaf" Ash said. Torterra threw leafes at Electrive. "Electrive, Volt-Tackle" Paul said. Electrive was covered in thunder and tackled Torterra. Torterra was kocked out. "Return, Torterra" Ash said puting him away. "Last one, go Pikachu!" Ash said. Pikacu jumped from Ash's sholder to the battle field. "Pikachu, Iron-Tail!" Ash said. Pikachu's tail glowed and he hit Elective with his tail. Electrive was sent back and looked hurt. "Come on, dont loose or your dead, Protect" Paul said. " Pikachu, thunder bolt" Ash said the same time lectrive used Protect. Pikachu's attack was blocked by the shield. "Pikachu, thunder bolt" Ash said. Pikachu tried agian. The sheild broke and Electrive was hit. "Electrive, use volt-tackle" Paul said. Electrive absorbed Pikachu's thunder and tackled Pikachu with it.

After an hour of countless moves Pikachu and Electrive were ready to fall. Both were bething heavy and had cuts and bruises. "Electrive, thunderbolt" Paul said. "Pikachu, thunderbolt" Ash said. Both tunderbolts hit eac other. They exploded and both pokemon were on the ground. "Okay both pokemon are unable to battle. The next one that can stand up, wins" the ref said. "Come on, Pikachu" ASh said. "You better get up if you know whats good for yo" Paul said. They tried to get up, and bot did at the same time. Both fell again. Then, with all its power, Pikachu stoo up ! "People, Ash Ketchum from the Kanto REgion has won the Sinnoh Region Pokemon League" The anouncer said.

bobandbill
March 14th, 2008, 04:53 PM
It's a bit... messy. Firstly, space out that story more, so it's easier to read - two clumped 'paragraphs' aren't that easy on the eyes.

There isn't that much description there to see, either. The battle is ok, but it would be nice to see more reactions from the Pokemon themselves when they get hit, or what the attacks look like. BTW, all attacks should be capitilsed, not some (e.g. Thunder Bolt).

You have some mistakes there - 'or you're dead', not 'or your dead', 'what's good for you', not 'whats good for yo' (imagine Paul saying 'Yo'...)...
They tried to get up, and bot did at the same time. Both fell again. Then, with all its power, Pikachu stoo up ! "People, Ash Ketchum from the Kanto REgion has won the Sinnoh Region Pokemon League," The anouncer said.
Small msitakes like that, which distract from the 'recovery' of Pikachu - it 'stoo' up? Also, make sure you use commas before the quotation mark in dialogue, and IMO I don't think the announcer would be 'saying' that Ash is the winner.

You left a few things up in the air as well - such as:

"No way, I'm gonna beat you, and get revenge on you for what you did to Charizard," Ash said.

Comma missing as well, but what, exactly, did Paul do to Charizard? Make sur ethat people who don't watch the anime know what you are talking about, although I'm unsure if Paul even saw, let alone did anything to Charizard (correct me if I'm wrong).

Expand on the story, space it out, use more description and eridicate those mistakes, and it should get better.

Trainer-Matt
March 15th, 2008, 06:29 AM
I know I made mistakes, I kinda rushed it. But the Charizard thing will be explained later in the fic.

Ash&pikachuarethebest
March 15th, 2008, 07:00 AM
It's good, but i do have to say this. When you are writing a fanfic think about what you want it to be about and write it out either on paper and hand write it or type it up in word then correct your spellings, put the correct puctuation in and make it into smaller paragraphs. Also make it longer the first chapter introduce the characters better. Here is an idea for your first chapter, you know where Ash says, "no way, i am going to beat you and get revenge on you for what you did to charizard." you could have a flash back to what ever happened to charizard. It would help the reader more and me cause i don't know much about the D&P series at all.

Trainer-Matt
March 17th, 2008, 11:37 AM
well the Charizard thing will be explained more and more as the fic goes on.

Chapter 2

Trainer-Matt
March 17th, 2008, 12:44 PM
Well the Charizard thing will be explained throughout the fic. And it doesnt have to do with the actual series, with the fic.

Chapter 2

Ash stood on a stand with Paul bellow him. "Paul, you have gotten second place in the Sinnoh Pokemon League." The anouncer said, handing Paul a ribbon. "And you Ash, you have came in first place." the anouncer said handing Ash the trophie. "Now please come here" he said. Ash followed the anouncer to a room. There was an elevator and they entered it. He pushed a button and they went down. The elevator door opened and they walked out. They came to a room with long white walls. The floor and cealing was a cyrystal like stone. there was a computer in the middle. On the walls there was computer screens with info on trainers. They went all the way back to a trainer wearing old cloths and a pokeball with a manual lock on it. "Where are we?" Ash asked. "This is the Sinnoh hall of fame, wear all the Sinnoh Pokemon League champions are recorded. Give me your pokedex" the anouncer said. Ash handed the man his pokedex and the anouncer put it in the computer. The computer scanned it and a picture of Ash with all the pokemon he used in the final battle came on a screen. It had Ash, Pikachu, Charizard, Torterra, Infernape, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle.

Ash came back to the pokemon center they were staying at. He saw Brock and Dawn with Profesor Oak and Profesor Rowan. "Hey, Profesors, what are you doing here?" Ash asked. "We came late, but we saw your final battle" Rowan said. After dinner Rowan went to his lab. "Ash, I am taking a Jet back to Pallet town, are you gonna come with me?" Oak asked. "Yes, Brock and Dawn can come, right?' Ash asked. "Of course" Oak said.

The next day they arived into Pallet Town in the Kanto Region. They entered Oak's lab. Ash's pokemon came to see Ash. "Ash, these are all your pokemon!" Dawn said. "Yea, I do have a lot, and you didnt even see my 30 Tuaros" Ash said.

Ash, Brock and Dawn went to Ash's house to stay. "Mom, did you see my battles" Ash said, walking in the door of his house. "Oh yes, I did, Hi Pikachu" Ash's mom said, paying no attention to Ash. "Hey Ash, your mom and I saw your victory, bout time you won a tournement" Misty said. "Hey Misty" Ash said, with his face turning red.

After dinner Ash, Brock, Dawn, and Misty walked outside. "So, whats going on now?" Dawn asked. "What do you mean?" Ash asked. "Well, your not going back to Sinnoh are you?" Dawn asked. "No, After I won the anouncer explained that if someone beats a pokemon league, they can challenge that regions Elite 4. It goes on your Trainer ID, so I can challenge anytime I want. If I beat all them, and the champion, I am 1/5 done with my dream to be the pokemon master. The Pokemon Master is the person who can beat all the 5 regions Elite 4's." Ash said. "So, you need to challenge all the pokemon leagues you lost at and win them?" Misty asked. "Yea, but I already have the badges, so it will be easy. "Wait, you said 5 regions, you traveled to 4 regions." Brock said. "Yea, I need to beat the Omega Region Pokemon League." Ash said.

After a week Ash was ready. "Well, I'm leaving" Ash said to Profesor Oak. "What pokemon are you taking with you?" Oak asked. "I am taking Pikachu, Charizard, because of the accident, and I am going to see if Pidgeot wants to come, I'm gonna go to the viridian forst to get him." Ash said. "Ash, why dont you take this egg with you. I found it, it's a mystery pokemon. I is past the time it takes for an egg to hatch, but it tries to stay hidden, mabye it needs a true friend, a great trainer" Oak said handing Ash an egg. "Okay!" Ash said.

The group set out. Misty, Brock and Dawn were heading for Viridian forest. Ash got Pidgeot, and they left on a ship for Omaga Region. "So what pokemon did you guys bring" Ash asked. "I brought Happiny, and Sudowoodo" Brock said. "I brought, well Azuril of course, Gyyarados, and Phyduck." Misty said. "Well, I sent Prof. Rowan my Bunnary, and my Pachurisu." Dawn said.

In a couple of hours they arived into the Omega Region. They were brought to a lab by some man who worked on the plain. Did Prof.Oak give you something?" the man asked. "Oh, yea" Ash said, handing him an envelope. "thank you" He said, walking away. They entered the lab and a tall, red haired man came in. "Hello, I am Profesor Pine. Are you Ash Ketchum?' Prof.Pine asked. "Yes." Ash said. "A man called Kurt, from the Johto region told me to give you this." Pine said, handing Ash a letter. He read it.

Dear Ash,
Over the two years since you brought me the GS pokeball I have tried to open it. I have suceeded. I we must meet in person and talk. I heard to would be going to the Omega Region, meet me there. I will be in Alpha tower

From, Kurt"

bobandbill
March 17th, 2008, 10:24 PM
Sadly, despite the added content in this chapter, and the occassional glimspe of what you CAN do, it doesn't look good at all. It seems that you've put minimal effort into this really.

Mistakes are everywhere. Not one paragraph without one. A result of not going through your work. The plot seems like you're just writing the first thing that comes into your head at times, and there really hasn't been much improvement from the first chapter and this one.

"Paul, you have gotten second place in the Sinnoh Pokemon League," the anouncer said, handing Paul a ribbon. "And you Ash, you have come in first place," the anouncer said handing Ash the trophie. "Now please come here," he said.

Learn the rules of dialogue. if the sentence following the dialogue contines on like it's all one sentence (e.g. "This tastes good," said Jim), use a comma and don't capitlise the first letter. Only use a full stop (or exclaimation mark, or what not) when the following sentence is separate, and feels like a new sentence (e.g. "This tastes good." Jim then went to get another one.), and capitlise the letter then.
'Have come', not 'have came', trophie is wrong, and you overuse the word said far too often. Surely the 'announcer' would be shouting, or 'announcing', or something rather then 'saying' to the crowd that Ash is the winner...


There was an elevator and they entered it.

Sums it up really. 'There was an elevator and they entered it.' Where's the description? Or the story telling of this? Instead of showing us this action, by saying how the entered it, or just writing this irrelevant fact in a subtler way (eg. Ash obidiently followed the announcer as they walked into the nearby eleavtor), you wrote it in such a bland way... what is the point of telling us that there was an elevator when you could have done so as they went into it anyway?
[/quote]
There was a computer in the middle.


This is the Sinnoh hall of fame, wear all the Sinnoh Pokemon League champions are recorded. Give me your pokedex" the anouncer said.

Again, the announcer 'said', where, not wear, and nothing is there before the quotation mark - should be a comma.
"Hey, Profesors, what are you doing here?" Ash asked. "We came late, but we saw your final battle," Rowan said. After dinner Rowan went to his lab. "Ash, I am taking a Jet back to Pallet town, are you gonna come with me?" Oak asked. "Yes, Brock and Dawn can come, right?' Ash asked. "Of course," Oak said.
Professors, lack of commas, said reused again (only said and asked seems to be used), the 'after dinner' part seems randomly put in - not mentioned before but in this case it seems that you think we did, or you assumeed that we'd know that because people eat dinner at Pokemon Centres, and don't get so lazy with words that you use 'gonna'. For crying out loud, this is Professor OAK we're talking about - an intelligant man with a... PHD in... Pokemon. But since when does he say 'gonna?'.

There's so much here that doesn't seemed to have been checked by you, sadly. Mistakes, grammer issues, and the style of writing is nothing special.

I don't really want to go through the rest of this and point out the obvious, so I'll just say this - if you want to write a fanfiction, you can continues doing this - if you want to write a GOOD fanfiction, you need far more than this. A decent effort at proof-reading your work, checking that there is nothing that seems questionable, developing the events and plot slowly but steadily, more description, and so on. Hvae a look at the really good fics out there - see how the writers make those stories. They would have spent a fair amount of time on their work. They didn't have Misty pronouncing 'Psyduck' as 'Phyduck', or have Kurt write a letter with words seemingly forgotten, or a lack of descriptive words.

There was one part which does show that you CAN write - the description of the statues of the previous trainers, and the inventiveness of having the 'oldest' one have to wear clothes from cloth (gasp!) and a manual lock Pokeball. That part did feel thought out well, and the idea was good. However, that was it, the rest sunk back down again.

Sorry if this seems harsh (and it probably is), but judging by the sheer amount of mistakes here, it really does not appear that you have or plan to put in a real effort into this. I'd love for you to prove me wrong on any future chapters - but it will need to be a considerable improvement to make this fic seem good. Take the time to write it, and proof-read it.

Jak
March 19th, 2008, 12:51 PM
It's...nice. Chapter one's a biiiiiit short.

As for two, your sentences are not ended...punctuation, m'dear. A good bit of spelling problems...hmmm...I really don't feel like going into a rant about it.

Oh wow. The GS ball was opened. Great way to end this'n. I want to know...keep the readers wanting to know. That's my philosophy.

Ash&pikachuarethebest
March 22nd, 2008, 08:44 AM
Look like Bobandbill said this is getting worse u didn't take much acknowledgement with my advise please if you want to make a good fanfic take advise and act on it. Another thing when you do finally tell people what happened to Charizard please do it effectively because if you don't make it dramatic or sad or how ever you want the reader to feel then you will lose everyones interest. again use flashbacks for things that have happened in the past. also spelling is terrible and to be honest the only thing that is keeping me wanting to read this is to find out about charizard and what is inside the gs ball then if the rest still isn't any good then i am out of here and i won't waste my advise on you again so good luck. sorry for being harsh but i need to be we all do to get are points across.

Jak
March 22nd, 2008, 01:42 PM
Look like Bobandbill said this is getting worse u didn't take much acknowledgement with my advise please if you want to make a good fanfic take advise and act on it. Another thing when you do finally tell people what happened to Charizard please do it effectively because if you don't make it dramatic or sad or how ever you want the reader to feel then you will lose everyones interest. again use flashbacks for things that have happened in the past. also spelling is terrible and to be honest the only thing that is keeping me wanting to read this is to find out about charizard and what is inside the gs ball then if the rest still isn't any good then i am out of here and i won't waste my advise on you again so good luck. sorry for being harsh but i need to be we all do to get are points across.

Thank you. The reader(s) have to be cpatured by something, and in this case, it's what's in the GS ball and what happened to Charizard, and if it is not conveyed well, then what's the point of reading? Not to be harsh, though. It's just how the cookie crumbles, dahlin'.