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Jak
March 15th, 2008, 07:25 PM
This is my first fic on this site, and second in general. Actually, this one only has one chapter written and I have no idea what's bound to happen next, while the other was completly planned out. But this one is much better than the other. It's not shippy enough to be a shipping fic, but it's got its moments. Enjoy...oh, and I'm sorry this chapter is mainly description and action...I promise that there'll be more dialogue in Chapter 2.

PG-13 due to:
Bloodshed
Mild Language
Sexual Content
Alcohol Reference

Just A Brother

Chapter One: Discoveries

Why I always seem to find her at the wrong moments, I'll never quite know. It's almost as if she knows when I am near and does the things she does just to hurt me. No. No, she can't do that...she cares enough to not do that. But everytime I want to tell her, what I've kept inside, she's with him. Not that I dislike him...I just hate that he holds the position in her life that I wish I had. I am no more than a little brother to her. It's time to accept the fact that I, Silver, will never be more of a 'brother from another mother' to her...that girl named Blue...

The academy bell had rung half an hour ago. Suddenly, the navy blue front doors burst open and a teenage boy briskly ran out of the large white schoolhouse, his long red hair waving behind him in his rush. His loosely worn silver tie flapped against his white, untucked button-up shirt. He stopped at the marble Noctowl statue that stood at the academy entrance. It seemed to loom over all who approached it and gave a cold stare at anyone who looked. The adolescent looked up from the ground and gave a silver-eyed gaze back at it.

"Creepy. But that's what dad told me...'Silver, son, that creepy old statue will give you nightmares!'", he imitated. "Speaking of him, I'd best be getting back..."

Silver reached into the pocket of his black dress pants and took out his watch. The digital clock read five after four. Silver reached for his satchel that had fallen around his waist and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. It was slightly wrinkled in its attempt to be folded perfectly. Many words were visible through the worn sheet. On one side, it read 'Blue' as its recipient, written in fine black ink, slightly chicken scratch-cursive written. Silver stared at it as he fiddled with it between his middle and index fingers. All day, rather than his schoolwork, he had been thinking of what to write to her. Actually, he had been wondering how to tell her his feelings for a long time now.

"I hope this will explain...everything..." Silver whispered to himself.

The marble Noctowl still casted its cold glare on Silver. The boy ignored it and started walking toward the Viridian Forest, while clutching the note in his hand, ending his day at Pewter City Pokemon Academy.

~~~

Silver started to quicken his pace to where he was fast walking. He wandered into the forest, hoping he would find Blue on his way home. The many trees welcomed his presence by dancing in reaction to the wind. Silver stopped and looked upward. The sun was obscured by a fluff of clouds, while the visible part of the sky turned a dreadful shade of grey.

"Damnit...", Silver muttered under his breath. Again, he started to hasten through the forest, still holding tightly to the note. "It's gonna rain...just when I thought it was gonna be a nice day..." he sighed as he jammed the note into his pocket, but then he slowly pulled it back out and stopped to stare at it.

I hope you can understand...we're getting too old for this, he thought, clutching the note fiercely.

As he began walking, he heard a rustling and a giggling-type noise coming from behind a large bushel of shrubs that were hidden by a large oak tree. Silver slowly crept behind the tree and put his back against the trunk and quietly slid down to the ground. He heard a familiar giggle and his heart started pounding furiously. Silver started to crawl into the bushes to see what was happening beyond them. Once inside a bush, he used his shaking hands to move a few leaves to create a peep hole, the twigs and branches scratching his hands. What he saw through the hole made his heart sink...it was Blue.

She was wearing her light blue shirt and red mini-skirt. Her long brown hair seemed to shimmer, despite the lack of sunlight. There were arms wrapped around her securely. The limbs belonged to him...Green. He was smiling down at her, his spiky brown hair slightly in his eyes. He was wearing a black polo with the collar pointed upward and purple cargo pants. His emerald green eyes gazed into Blue's cerelean blue eyes and their lips moved closer and engaged into a passionate kiss. Silver watched from the bush and his scratched hands were now trembling and bleeding, bloodstaining the note in his hand. He continued to watch in despair as the girl he loved kissed him. Blue and Greens' lips pulled apart and both curved into a smile. Silver's heart began to skip beats and he felt as if his heart had sunk and hid somewhere behind his liver. His grip on the note tightened and he then bolted from the bush towards Viridian City, Blue and Green not taking any notice.

As Silver ran, he fought the pain in his heart and hands. He couldn't take what he had just seen...

bobandbill
March 15th, 2008, 11:22 PM
Aww, poor Silver...

Not a bad beginning - a good introduction there - good set up work there. The concept is certianly not bad - but I do wonder - is this based on any canon characters? (if so, I'm thinking the manga - I have no idea about that, so forgive me for my ignorance...)

Sometimes things moved a bit too fast - try to slow down things just a tad, by including more description (it's pretty good however) - maybe more 'ranting (for lack of a better word) on Silver's annoyance with Blue might help slow things down. Also, space things out a bit more, so it doesn't looked so clumped - is easier on the eyes.

[I]It's time to accept the fact that I, Silver, will never be more of a 'brother from another mother' of her...that girl named Blue...

Of, not ot.
while clutching the note in his hand, ending his day and Pewter City Pokemon Academy.Seems uncomfortable, and confused me...

"I hope you can understand...we're getting too old for this..." he thought, clutching the note fiercely.
Formatting issue - tag didn't work.


Blue and Greens' lips pulled apart and both curved into a smile. Silver's heart began to skip beats and he felt as if his heart had sunk and hidden somewhere behind his liver. His grip on the note tightened and he then bolted from the bush towards Viridian City, Blue and Green not taking any notice.

'Hidden doesn't seem quite right - hidden maybe should be 'hid'. Also, he's bolting might have been transferred to a separete sentence, and have more about how 'devastated' he was in place there, for added effect. Just a suggestion.

Not bad overall, however. Keep it up!

Jak
March 16th, 2008, 07:15 AM
Wow. Thanks.

Fixed all that, except for the bolting part. But yeah, I really have no clue what's gonna happen in chapter two. I actually thought of the first chapter and then wrote it....hoping it would go better than my ViridianShipping fic on Serebii. X.x But I can tell you that you can continue to say "Awww, poor Silver..."

Anyway, I'll try not to rush it. But this one did go at a slower pace than the other...I'm kinda comparing them a bit. Eh. Well, thanks for reading...

Oh, and yeah, these are the manga characters. They're the only people I could ever think to write about, especially Silver...

Jak
March 19th, 2008, 04:40 PM
This is chapter two...a tad long. X.x But I'm sure you'll manage. And just so I can be clear on one thing, it's good for the reader to have a little imagination, so if something's not completly described, that's your oppurtunity to take in your own thoughts. Just something I try to do...anyway, enjoy.

Just A Brother

Chapter Two: Arrival

There is nothing that can truly comfort me...only time will allow my heart--and hands-- to heal. It doesn't feel as it can be aleviated of this pain. My heart was ripped out and stampeded by a herd of Tauros, left to rot on the ground. Unwanted. Unloved. Rejected. And yet...I still have a flicker of hope...

Silver ran out of the Viridian Forest and into Virdian City, his hands bleeding and clutching the note. The buildings were all a blur as he rushed past. As he came closer to his small, two-story brick house, he reached out his free hand and turned th knob. The white door flung open and hit the wall as Silver ran inside and body slammed onto the tan-colored couch, keeping his hands in the air to prevent staining it.


His father, Giovanni, was in the small kitchen. The refridgerator door was wide open as Giovanni searched for ingredients to cook him and Silver a meal. He was wearing a black suit, and continued with his raid on the refridgerator as his son suddenly screamed into the couch. Giovanni rubbed his short, dark-brown hair, not looking at Silver.

"What d'you want for dinner?" Giovanni asked, still paying his son no mind.

Silver sat up and looked at the note in his hands. It was covered in blood and wrinkled more than it had been. He put the note in his pocket and looked at his hands. They were covered in dry blood and fresh blood continued to pour out of the scratches, which were deeper than Silver had thought.

"Well?" Giovanni asked again.

"I'm not hungry..." Silver replied quietly.

Giovanni turned to look at Silver. He noticed that his hands were almost completely drenched in blood.

"Son, why are your hands bleeding?" he asked while staring at Silver's hands in horror.

"My hands...", Silver whispered to himself. "I don't care what's happened to them. My heart's bleeding even worse than this, father, so what does it matter what happened to my hands?" Silver said as he continued to stare blankly at his hands.

Giovanni looked at his son confused, and then remebered something.

"Why were you forty minutes late?"

"Feh!", Silver scoffed. "The Sardine gave me three licks. Took'em a million years to find the freakin' paddle."

"'The Sardine'?" Giovanni questioned.

"Mr. Livingston.", Silver corrected. He then gave a sad sigh. "I'm going to my room..."

Giovanni watched as his son slowly got up from the couch. Silver looked up at his father and their eyes met. They continued to stare at each other, SIlver wondering why his father made no effort to know the problem, and Giovanni searching for the right words. Just as he was about to speak, Silver stormed upstairs, slamming his bedroom door behind him.

Giovanni looked around at the white walls, and then at the stairs. "Teenagers..." he sighed. He went back to rumaging through the refrigerator.

~~~

Silver had flung himself onto his bed. The fluffy red blanket cushioned his fall. He grabbed his black pillow and buried his face into it and screamed. He lay there with his face planted into his pillow for a few minutes and then sat up and looked around his room. It wasn't much-- snow white walls, a chestnut desk with a computer and a black trash can filled with paper wads underneath, and a matching chestnut nightstand next to the bed he now sat on.

There was a large window on the south wall of his room with a chair next to it, as if someone had spent countless hours gazing out of it. Silver approached the chair and sat in it to look out the window. It was pouring down rain outside and the thunder cackled in the distance. Silver felt as if the falling rain was a sign that the sky mourned for him.

"We are too alike...", he sighed as he looked toward the forest, remembering Blue and, jealously, Green. "I wonder...?"

Silver reached into his satchel, that was still around his waist, and pulled out Honchkrow's Poke Ball and released it. Honchkrow gave a croaking squak upon being let out. He was a big black crow with a white, feathery fluff on his chest and pink tail feathers. His witch's hat gave a slight bobble.
"Honchkrow, I need you to fly into the forest and look for Blue...", he paused for a moment. Honchkrow looked at him, a little confused by the sudden silence. "And Green," Silver added.

He opened the window and the rain plummeted in.

"Eeeeugh...ummm...well, if you think you're up to it...", he said nervously while scratching his head. Honchkrow saw this as no challenge and spread his wings and flew straight out the window, into the thunderstorm to fullfill his trainer's wishes.

"Aaaaaand....I guess you are,"

~~~

Downstairs, Giovanni was spreading mayonaise onto a slice of wheat bread. The front door was still wide open.

Splish. Splash. Splish. Splash.

Footsteps from the marshy outdoors approached.

"Hey, Mr. G! It is pouring outside! Thanks for leaving the door open!" a young man at the front door said.

Giovanni looked up and a teenage boy dressed like Silver, only with a gold tie and messy black hair sticking out from underneath a red cap, was standing at the doorstep. He was closing up a large red umbrella, but was still slightly damp.

"Oh....Gold. You're here..." Giovanni said grimly.

bobandbill
March 20th, 2008, 06:39 PM
Nice. Interesting (and yet slightly disturbing) actions from Silver. Good sense of dispair still carried through the story, and I wonder what Silver plans to do with Honchcrow finding Blue and Green. Gold's appearence is interesting as well... although I've spotted some things (as this is based on the Manga) that conflicts with my knowledge of GSC - the rival in DP is hinted to be 'Mr G''s ( :) ) son, but has red hair... and no mention of Silver being Giovanni's son. Odd, those differences from the game and manga - and Gold did have read hair... oh well. Just an interesting thing I picked up.

The description was pretty good here, actually, sometimes just a little bit clumsy, but rather good. I do however question Giovanni's lack of questioning Silver's 'blood-on-hands' thing (which was a bit overdone - more on that later) - a parent wouldn't not go after the kid and find out why, or dismiss it as down to 'teenagers', methinks...

As he came closer to his small, two-story brick house, he reached out his free, but bloody, hand and turned the knob
It was covered in blood and wrinkled more than it had been. He put the note in his pocket and looked at his hands. They were covered in dry blood and fresh blood continued to pour out of the scratches, which were deeper than Silver had thought.
It's a good idea and all (emo Silver as well?), but you've placed too much emphasis ont eh bloody hands. How many times did you mention it? Too often really - so it was a bit like 'Yes, you've already told us that his hands are bloody... no, not again...'. This would also be helped by descripting the 'bloddy hands' in a different way or using different phrases more often.

"Son, why are your hands bleeding?" he asked, while staring at Silver's hands in horror.
Not really nesserary, but suggest the comma.

My heart's bleeding even worse than this, ...(etc)

Besides the missing 'd', an interesting line, I daresay.
"Honchkrow, I need you to fly into the forest and look for Blue...", he paused for a moment. Honchkrow looked at him, a little confused by the sudden silence. "...And Green," Silver added.
Don't put commas after the quotation mark - unnesserary. Also, a comma not a full stop for the 'and green' sentence.
"Eeeeugh...ummm...well, if you think you're up to it...",
And again.

It was good - may a tad short as well, but somehow intriguing. And I'm not really the 'dark angsty' guy anyway - so good job on that. Wonder where this will go from here?

Jak
March 21st, 2008, 07:14 AM
Nice. Interesting (and yet slightly disturbing) actions from Silver. Good sense of dispair still carried through the story, and I wonder what Silver plans to do with Honchcrow finding Blue and Green. Gold's appearence is interesting as well... although I've spotted some things (as this is based on the Manga) that conflicts with my knowledge of GSC - the rival in DP is hinted to be 'Mr G''s ( :) ) son, but has red hair... and no mention of Silver being Giovanni's son. Odd, those differences from the game and manga - and Gold did have read hair... oh well. Just an interesting thing I picked up.

Ah quite interesting, indeed. And yes...slighty disturbing, nonetheless. I realized that after I posted it....then again, I always realize something after I post it. X.x

The description was pretty good here, actually, sometimes just a little bit clumsy, but rather good. I do however question Giovanni's lack of questioning Silver's 'blood-on-hands' thing (which was a bit overdone - more on that later) - a parent wouldn't not go after the kid and find out why, or dismiss it as down to 'teenagers', methinks...

A son he has just been reunited with recently...he doesn't know too much about him, like temper and such. I'd be afraid to ask, as well...also I haven't mentioned Silver's age. That comes in in chapter three, but you've been such a nice reveiwer...he's 17. Time to stay out of his business...


It's a good idea and all (emo Silver as well?)

A tad emo, I should say. Not his fault, blame the bushes.

It was good - may a tad short as well, but somehow intriguing. And I'm not really the 'dark angsty' guy anyway - so good job on that. Wonder where this will go from here?

Oh, it's going. It's going somewhere...

Jak
March 24th, 2008, 01:23 PM
Well, I just finished writing chapter three today, so expect it sometime tomorrow, hopefully.

So far, this fic is doing faaaaaar better than my other...considering the other was a bit rushed.

This one seems like that other fics big brother or something. X.x Maybe that's where I got the name...;D Anyway, just check back tomorrow and maybe it'll be up.

EDIT: Due to personal problems, chapter three has a delay. Sorry guys. :(

chosenvsoldrivalrules
March 25th, 2008, 09:14 PM
hello, i just checked out the two chapters, and i would like to say, i agree, there are some typographical errors, but that was corrected, i am just gonna ask but, when will chapter three be posted?

I like the whole story thing, a cross between ChosenShipping and OldRivalShipping is it?

txteclipse
March 26th, 2008, 09:33 PM
Hey. I've been lurking in the background, reading this and not posting for some reason. Anyways, I like it, but Silver seems a bit strange to me. I get that he's emotionally shattered from seeing his would-be girlfriend taken, but he seems a bit...I don't know...emotionally overwrought or something. He's both eloquent and inwardly turbulent, which I don't usually expect unless I'm reading Shakespeare or the like. Now, I understand that he's Giovanni's son, so maybe he's kind of "the rich mob boss' kid" and therefore slightly snobbish? That's not really the word I'm looking for though...I'm going for more of a "highly-educated-and-therefore-overly-pedantic-no-matter-what" sort of deal.

If that's so, then kudos. I'm fairly sure you have a completely original main character. An emo eloquent rich mob boss' son that just so happens to have just had his would-be girlfriend stolen. Lol. Yeah. I'll be reading this for sure.

Jak
March 27th, 2008, 02:42 PM
Hey. I've been lurking in the background, reading this and not posting for some reason. Anyways, I like it, but Silver seems a bit strange to me. I get that he's emotionally shattered from seeing his would-be girlfriend taken, but he seems a bit...I don't know...emotionally overwrought or something. He's both eloquent and inwardly turbulent, which I don't usually expect unless I'm reading Shakespeare or the like. Now, I understand that he's Giovanni's son, so maybe he's kind of "the rich mob boss' kid" and therefore slightly snobbish? That's not really the word I'm looking for though...I'm going for more of a "highly-educated-and-therefore-overly-pedantic-no-matter-what" sort of deal.

If that's so, then kudos. I'm fairly sure you have a completely original main character. An emo eloquent rich mob boss' son that just so happens to have just had his would-be girlfriend stolen. Lol. Yeah. I'll be reading this for sure.

Ah, someone who got what I was aiming for. Yeah, he pretty much is that...this is quite a dark storyline...

hello, i just checked out the two chapters, and i would like to say, i agree, there are some typographical errors, but that was corrected, i am just gonna ask but, when will chapter three be posted?

I like the whole story thing, a cross between ChosenShipping and OldRivalShipping is it?

Well, I'm not sure. My mom thinks I'm gonna get snatched from talking on the internet, so if she hears excessive typing, then she freaks out...and I don't want her to know I write...or my subject of writing. And due to personal things, I'm not really sure when it'll go up. I'm hoping over the weekend.

And yes, it kinda is. But, I don't write about ships I support. I don't prefer ChosenShipping...I love OldRivalShipping, to be honest. You'll just have to see how it ends up.

Thanks for the reviews, you guys. It's people like you that keep writers motivated!

darkcowboy
March 27th, 2008, 05:51 PM
I'm liking this fic, and I can't wait to read more. XP

EmpoleMew
March 27th, 2008, 09:40 PM
This is one of the better fics I've read in a while. Although I don't support either of the pairings, its still a great to read. Unlike some people, I can look past the shipping detail and read it for the story. I can also say that I can relate to Silver's situation. I look forward to seeing more from you.

Trainer Kat
March 28th, 2008, 07:54 AM
Wow, I love this. Of course, I love Silver loads. Like EmpoleMew, I don't support either pairing (actually, I don't support any pairing in PokéSpecial, lol), but your story is absolutely beautiful. Silver's plight makes me sad, and I hope that he ends up with Blue in the end.

I can't wait to see the next chapter. Keep it up!

Jak
March 28th, 2008, 01:40 PM
Wow. Thanks you guys. I actually don't like the pairing either...that's sad...I'm the author. xP But, I support the common ships, and everyone writes about those...so, I prefer to write about the lesser supported ships. Since you guys like this so much, here's chapter three. Oh yeah, there's a reference to my favorite band, and this chapter's main purpose is to pick up the gloom and set up the basis of chapter four. Enjoy!

Just A Brother

Chapter Three: Journey

They say talking to someone can help, but in my case, it just makes it worse...ninety percent of the time, anyway. So why screw up my situation more? There's no need talking to anyone. But I also realize that bottled up thoughts and feelings never solved anything. The truth is I do want to talk to someone...but the key word in that is 'someone'...and whether or not I can get to this someone remains questioned...

Gold stepped into the house and leaned his umbrella against the wall.

"Okay, okay. Where is that troublemaking son of yours?" Gold asked while searching the den.

"In his room, Gold." Giovanni replied as he got back to his sandwhich making.

"Thanks, Mr. G!" Gold shouted as he ran upstairs.

"I wish he'd stop calling me Mr. G..." Giovanni muttered while still spreading mayonaise.

~~~
Silver was rinsing the blood off his hands with the rain outside when he heard a loud knock on his door followed by, "Open up! It's the police!"

Silver got up from the chair and walked to the door and started to turn the knob. Before it was turned enough to open, the door flung against the wall and Gold barged in.

"Okay! What'd you do to get licks from The Sardine? Tell me!" Gold demanded.

"Well, lets see. He got onto me for my hair length again, and I politely explained to him that hair wasn't a dress code violation. Then he went on a rant about 'teenage trends' and I got sick of it, so I cussed him out. Then, he took twenty mintues to find a paddle." Silver retorted.

"Really?" Gold asked while examining Silver for any visible bruises. "I don't see anything..."

"That's cause he sucks at smacking people with paddles. But, for those who are good, if you brace youself, you'll live." Silver replied as he walked towards the window to watch for Honchkrow. He didn't see it--just the falling rain.

"Oh, well, The Wailord usually gets me. It hurt to sit for a week!" Gold said as he walked towards Silver's desk. He picked up an album called Cleaning Solution by the band Calm Mind. He flipped to the backside to see what songs were on it. He knew four of them--Scents of Adolescent Pride, About a Female, Go the Way You Appear, and Love-Shaped Container.

"Dude, you still listen to Calm Mind? C'mon! The lead's dead!" Gold exclaimed as he continued to look at the CD.
Silver seemed to pay no attention as he still stared out the window.

"Silver?" Gold called, trying to get his attention, but Silver still gazed outside at the rain.

"Silver!!" he yelled, causing Silver to jump at hearing his name being yelled.

"What?!" Silver yelled back.

"Why aren't you listening? I asked why you still listen to Calm Mind!"

"I...hey, they're still good!" Silver said as he glanced out the window, then at the floor. "I've just got a lot on my mind..." he said solemnly.

Gold looked at him curiously. "Such as?"

Silver looked back out the window at the forest. "It's Blue. I saw her and Green in the forest."

"So? Who cares!" Gold exclaimed.

"Gold, they were kissing. They looked like...they were in love.", Silver said sadly. "Why him?"

Gold watched as Silver brushed through his hair with his fingers.

"Well, you...ya know, I..." Gold tried to say something, but was at a loss for words. Silver stood up and leaned against the window sill and strained his eyes to look for Honchkrow in the heavy rainfall.

"It's ok, Gold. I know you're only trying to help."

Gold frowned and looked outside from where he stood. I just wish I could help him, he thought.

Suddenly, Silver's head perched up at what he saw. Honchkrow burst out of the forest and was flying towards the house with something in his large talons.

"Honchkrow!" Silver shouted, causing Gold to jump from the broken silence. Silver moved away from the window and the big black crow flew inside and landed in the floor and then started picking at its feet.

"Ew! What's he doing?!" Gold asked in disgust.

"I...don't know." Silver replied while watching Honchkrow.

The two noticed that Honchkrow had caught himself a Caterpie for dinner. They looked away as Honchkrow devoured the helpless caterpillar Pokemon. After Honchkrow finshed his meal, he squaked trumphantly and flapped his wings.

"Okay, Honchkrow, are Blue and Green still in the forest?" Silver asked.

Before Honchkrow could respond, Gold ran to the window and yelled, "There he is!!!"

"Who?!" Silver asked as he frantically ran to Gold's side. He saw something flying towards the house. It looked like a big, blue sting ray and it was carrying something on its back...a bag?

"What the?" Silver said as he continued to stare in bewilderment, but Gold moved him out of the window and the sting ray suddenly plowed through the window and flopped around on the floor. Honchkrow made a screaming noise and flew to the end of the bed. He perched himself and stared at the floppin Pokemon on the floor and squawked at it in a rude manner.

"Mantine! Thanks for bringing me my bag!" Gold exclaimed while reaching into the bulky, tan bag.

Silver and Honchkrow both looked at each other and sweatdropped.

Gold pulled out Mantine's Pokeball and recalled it.

"Alright then...anyway, back to what I asked earlier..." Silver said to Honchkrow, "Did you see Blue and Green in the forest?"

Honchkrow looked at the celing, as if he were trying to recall.

Silver watched the big crow, his heart pouding rapidly in his chest.

Please...I still have a chance..., he thought.

Honchkrow continued staring upward as Silver became even more nervous. He felt that his heart might jump out of his chest at any moment .

"Oh yeah!", Gold shouted as he reached back into his bag, pulling out a long, black rectangular box. "My mom got me this as an early graduation present. Well...acutally, I begged her to give it to me early."

He opened the box and there were two golden colored rods. He took them out and connected them, making a new billiard cue with 'To Gold, the Apple of my Eye!' engraved onto the handle.

"That's great! I don't care!" Silver yelled sarcastically.

Gold frowned at Silver. "While we're waiting on your bird to remeber what it saw, I'd like to know if you've even given thought to your valedictorian speech yet."

Silver frowned and looked at the wads of paper in his trash can. "Can't say I haven't thought of anything..."

"Man, I feel so old! We're seventeen and graduating in two months! I seems like...", he trailed off as he pulled out Explotaro's Pokeball. "Only yesterday..."

-flashback-

Gold sent out the small echidna Pokemon and flames arose off its back in anger at the theif that stood before him.

"Wow! And mom complains about my hair! Well, I don't know what your name is...should I call you Explotaro then?"

-end flashback-

There was a silence, but suddenly Honchkrow squaked, startling both Gold and Silver.

"Honchkrow, are they still there?" Silver asked frantically. Honchkrow nodded to his trainer and Silver gave a sigh of relief, then turned to Gold. "I've got to find them."

Gold put Explotaro's Pokeball into his bag and looked up at Silver. "You think they haven't left yet?"

"Still worth going. You can stay here if you want, but I'm headed out."

"Ok then, I'll just...", Gold looked around for something to occupy his time, and beamed at the paper wads in the trash can. "i'll just look at these speeches!"

"Yup! Bye!" Silver called to him hurriedly. Honchkrow flew to the window sill and Silver grabbed its feet and the black bird took them out of the window and into the air.

At least the rain let out..., Silver thought. His heart pounded like a bass drum as they drew close to the Virdian Forest...

bobandbill
March 28th, 2008, 04:00 PM
Not bad again. Nice character interaction, and I'm liking how you protray Gold. Silver still is as well, mind. You could have used some more description in places, such as of Mantine, I suppose - would have added more to the chapter. The conversation involved some small talk but was still interesting at the same time - good work on that. For instance, the discussion about the 'Calm Mind' band (which I'm not familar with, sorry...), is a good example. Might have been even more so if I knew about it... oh well.

Nothing felt really left out here - everything was clear and all. Hurrah for flying Mantines, 'Gold - the apple in my my eye' and such other small jokes. :)

There were a number of small mistakes though... try to proof-read a bit more.
"Okay, okay. Where is that troublemaking son of your's?" Gold asked while searching the den.
Yours, not your's (your is).
"Well, lets see. He got onto me for my hair length again, and I politley explained to him that hair wasn't a dress code violation.
Politely ...
"Really?", Gold asked while examining Silver for any visible bruises. "I don't see anything..."
Unnesserary comma methinks...
But, for those who are good, if you brace youself, you'll live," Silver replied as he walked towards the window to watch for Honchkrow.
"What the?" Silver said as he continued to stare in bewilderment, but Gold moved him out of the window and the sting ray suddenly plowed through the window and flopped around on the floor. Honchkrow made a screaming noise and flew to the end of the bed. He perched himself and stared at the flopping Pokemon on the floor, squaking at it in a rude manner.
First sentence seems too long - too much like a run-on sentence. Chop it up a bit. Also, flopping and squawking.
"That's great! I don't care!" Silver yelled sarcastically.
If it was sarcastic, maybe it should be ' I really care!'.
"While we're waiting on your bird to remember what it saw,

The flashback... well, the sign '-flashback-' was a bit... meh - probably could have been protrayed in a better manner, such as 'Gold casted his mind back' or something like that, and the flashback itself italiced or the such, for a slightly better presentation.
I also must question on why Blue and Green are still there when it is raining... minor, but might also say something about the relationship...

Still, good and enjoyable - the pacing was steady all the way through and the style of writing is nice - quiet yet enjoyable to read. Keep it up!

Jak
March 29th, 2008, 05:34 AM
Thank you. 8D

I also must question on why Blue and Green are still there when it is raining... minor, but might also say something about the relationship...

Because they don't care...heh heh. They're in there making out, so why should it matter? xD

For instance, the discussion about the 'Calm Mind' band (which I'm not familar with, sorry...),

Well, lets see if anyone else can guess it. I just changed the name of the band, their first album, and four of their songs...I thought Love-Shaped Container would give it away. X.x And they are an old band...they're not cranking music anymore, but loved nonetheless.

If it was sarcastic, maybe it should be ' I really care!'.


This chapter has a lot of my life portrayed into it. When I'm being sarcastic, I usually say 'That's great, I don't care' so...maybe if I knew a way to put the inflection...that might help. Lets see, you've got that, Calm Mind(any guessers? O.o), bass drum reference(no, I don't play the bass drum), looking out the window, and paper wads with discarded ideas. Yup...a lot of the author. Oh, and random Mantine flying through the window. O.o

Anyway, thanks for the review! ^^ Chapter four is still being written, so expect it sometime next week.

Trainer Kat
March 29th, 2008, 05:17 PM
Calm Mind = Nirvana, si?
As in, Love Shaped Container is code for Heart Shaped Box? xD

Anyway, I REALLY enjoyed this chapter, Smeargle! Keep it up<3 Can't wait to read more!

Jak
March 29th, 2008, 05:50 PM
Calm Mind = Nirvana, si?
As in, Love Shaped Container is code for Heart Shaped Box? xD

Anyway, I REALLY enjoyed this chapter, Smeargle! Keep it up<3 Can't wait to read more!

Ah! Yes! You got it. ^^ I knew someone would. There'll be another one in chapter four...not really my fave band, but I thought their song fit what's going on, so I changed their name, too. Now...to finish writing chapter four...X.o

Thanks...wow, you're the only person to call me Smeargle. O.o Astinus calls me Silver and BeachBoy calls me SSS. I don't mind any of them, though. ^-^

EDIT: Oh yeah, 'The Sardine' is a reference to the principal of the freshman academy at my school. X.x Lame, I know. And 'The Wailord' is actually supposed to be 'The Whale' in reference to the assistant principal at the high school. This is more humorous for my friends reading the written version of Just A Brother. Just thought I'd let you know. And some food for thought, their code name says it all. And I did use The Sardine's real name in chapter two. x3

darkcowboy
March 29th, 2008, 06:58 PM
that's awesome! (added text to fill up space in this post) XDDD

Jak
March 30th, 2008, 06:49 AM
^Shankies.

Anyway, I finished writing chapter four this morning...hopefully, I can post it tomorrow. ^^

Jak
March 31st, 2008, 01:18 PM
Well, here's chapter four. Things are getting dramatic! Thanks to chapters one through three for the foundation. Enjoy.

Just A Brother

Chapter Four: Regrets

It doesn’t seem to end. I wish she could see we’re becoming distant now. I have to get her to see what’s going on…she’s becoming someone different. She’s not the same Blue I fell in love with.

Honchkrow slowed down at the entrance to the forest and set Silver to the ground. He took out his Pokeball and returned the big crow.

“You deserve a rest,” he said.

Silver looked at the forest entrance nervously and took a deep breath.

Just find her…, he thought.

He walked into the forest and looked for any signs of movement and listened for any voices. All he saw were the many trees covered in raindrops and all sound was forsaken. As he walked, his footsteps appeared loud in the silence of the forest, but an abrupt rustle in the bushes broke the quiet.

Silver stopped and looked around, hoping to find Blue, but saw nothing. He glared at the bush where the rustle came from.

“You tricked me. Bastard,” he said grimly.

“Silver?” a familiar voice called. Silver looked up and saw Blue walking towards him with, to his dismay, Green at her side. There seemed to be something glinting in their hands as they approached.

“Hey, Silver! Haven’t seen you in a while!” Blue exclaimed.

“Yeah…you haven’t.” he mumbled and then looked at their hands and saw two golden shimmers. “What’s that?”

Blue and Green hurriedly put their hands in their pockets, but Blue realized she didn’t have one, so she shoved her hand into Green’s free pocket.

“Just some rocks we found,” Green replied.

“Rocks, eh? Shiny rocks?” Silver questioned.

“Yes. Anyway, we should be going. We have more important things to be doing. You understand, right?” Green retorted with an arrogant smirk.

“Like it?” Silver muttered through clenched teeth.

Green scowled at him.

“Actually,” Blue interrupted, “I think I’ll stay and talk to Silver!”

Green frowned. “Well, okay then. I’ll just be at the gym.” He hugged Blue and walked out of the forest, glaring at Silver suspiciously. Once Green was out of sight, Silver looked for the ‘rock’, but nothing was in Blue’s hands.

“I haven’t seen you in awhile!” Blue said happily as she threw her arms around Silver’s neck.

“I know…” Silver replied, hugging her back. The two released from their embrace and Blue started talking about what she had been doing for the past month. Silver was paying no attention to what she was saying. He was too busy admiring her beauty. Her long, brown hair swayed in the gentle breeze and her glimmering blue eyes stared at him as her soothing voice continued to rant. Silver was so enticed by her voice, it only deepened his trance.

“Silver?” Blue called. “Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, fine!” Silver replied while wiping a small amount of drool off his lips.

But then the reason for him being here struck him—he had to confront her about it.

“Hey,” he said to get Blue’s attention. “Y’know, I go through the forest on my way home.”

At hearing this, Blue looked at him, a little confused.

“Okay?”

“And I heard some noises from the bushes…” Silver continued and Blue started to turn red.

“Oh, did you? Well, th-that’s…”

“So I hid behind a tree and snuck into a bush to see…” Silver interrupted.

Blue became even more nervous as her cheeks burned scarlet. “Well, i-it could’ve been…”

“I saw, Blue,” Silver said quietly. “You and Green were kissing in that clearing.”

Blue’s nervousness completely disappeared after hearing what Silver had just told her.

“So you were spying?” she asked angrily.

“It’s not ‘spying’ if it’s not intended,” he corrected. “But anyway…”

“Why’d you watch?!” she yelled, very agitated at this point.

“Well, at first I didn’t know what the hell was going on!” he yelled back.

“It’s not your place to know my private life! And you act as if you had no clue me and Green were dating!”

Silver looked down at the ground. “Why don’t you just give up on him? Don’t you remember what he did to you?”

The bad memory ran across Blue’s mind, but she shook it off. “Silver, that was a year ago. It’s done, and I’ve forgiven him for it.”

“Blue,” Silver sighed as he put his hands on Blue’s shoulders. “Don’t you remember what happened between us after he did that?” he finished with a hint of desperation in his voice.

Blue backed away from his touch. “Silver…you can’t keep clinging to that. I saw him kiss Sabrina, and then I kissed you, but…that kiss was only for revenge. No feeling in it whatsoever.” Blue replied calmly.

“Blue, neither of those situation were just a ‘kiss’. Green and Sabrina were pretty much making out, and you know it—you saw it. And…well, we were, too…”, he corrected, but then realized--he had only been used for revenge on Green. “But that doesn’t matter now…thanks for playing games with me that day.”

Silver looked at the ground, wondering about everything that had just been said.

“Silver, I…”

“Damnit!” Silver yelled, causing a flocks of Pidgey to fly out from the trees. “Why’d you do that to me?!”

“Silver, I was angry!” Blue cried.

“Save it. You have no heart…” Silver muttered grimly as he looked up at Blue, who’s eyes were now red with tears.

“I-I’m going…” Blue said as she sniffled and wiped the tears off her face. “Unfortunately, my ship in V-Vermilion doesn’t leave ‘til f-five tomorrow…”

“Pfft. So you’re leaving your cheating boyfriend?”

“No! I’m leaving to get the hell away from you!!” she cried as she started running out of the forest.

Silver watched Blue rush past him, wondering what just came over him. The moment she was no longer visible, he fell to his knees. He started shaking violently as he stared at the ground with a look of horror on his face.

What have I done?, he asked himself.

“Why did I just do that?! Idiot!!” he yelled as he pounded the ground with his fists. He remained in this position for half and hour, his mind replaying the scene that had just taken place. And then it dawned on him—he still had a chance.

I can still correct this. Tomorrow, I have to get to her…, he thought with a glint of hope.

Silver got up and left the forest. Darkness had now set in.

Was I in there that long?

He walked past a few brick houses, a hobo, and then stopped to stare at what was a few paces in front of him—the Viridian Gym. He thought of Green and how they both acted in the forest, and in front of Blue at that.

I guess I’ll apologize to him later…

~~~

He opened to door to his little brick house. Giovanni seemed to be engrossed in paperwork as he jotted onto a sheet of paper.

“Father?” Silver tried to get his attention.

“Son?” Giovanni mumbled back.

“I, uh…well, tomorrow me and Gold have something to take care of, so we won’t be hanging out here…”

“That’s fine, Silver.”, Giovanni replied, still into his work. “I actually have some business to tend to myself.”

“Oh…mkay, then. I’m off to bed.” Silver replied with a small wave.

“Alright. Good night.”

“Night.” Silver called back as he headed up the stairs.

“Oh, and Silver…” Giovanni called, looking up from his papers.

“Hm?”

“You know, Gold’s not as withdrawn as you are. I’m sure you and Blue will have something.” he said with a smile.

Silver gave a weak smile back. “Thanks.” He replied as he continued up the stairs.

He opened the door to his room and found Gold sprawled out on the floor in slumber. Careful not to wake him, Silver quietly closed the door. He set his bag beside his desk and took off his silver tie, laying it neatly on top of the desk. He unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it into the floor, revealing a plain white t-shirt. He got his PokeGear out of his bag and got on his bed to lie down. He turned his PokeGear on, lowered the volume, and set it to the PokeMusic station. Silver placed it next to him and he turned to face it.

The quiet radio DJ spoke softly.
’This is a new song from BuckCherrim called Sorry!' he announced.

An acoustic guitar started to strum softly and followed with a soothing rocker voice.

’Oh I had a lot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren’t the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die’

Sure does…. Silver thought.

’I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry ‘bout all the things I said to you
And I know, I can’t take it back’

I only wish I could…

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go ‘round
And I just wanted to say
I’m sorry’

Very, Silver thought as he drifted into sleep, with the radio still playing in his ear.

GunSaberSeraph
March 31st, 2008, 01:53 PM
wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)

Jak
March 31st, 2008, 02:01 PM
wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)

Me too. Why else do you think I put it in there?

Anyway...thanks for reading.

Chapter Five has just gotten it's start today...so expect it...Thursday or Friday. That'll give you something to look foward to. O_o

txteclipse
March 31st, 2008, 06:07 PM
wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)

Same here.

So gold, shiny things, eh? Bet I know what those are...this just sucks for Silver, doesn't it? It's like watching a one-man train wreck in slow motion.

bobandbill
March 31st, 2008, 10:00 PM
Nice. Very good emotions there - quite nice and well-written. The character interaction there was very good - nice tension and held my interest. A good ending too, with the song, and I quite liked the small jokes thrown in as well. :)

There is one common mistake which you do constantly however - and far more often this chapter - maybe you think it's correct... it's the adding of a comma to ellipses or dialogue. E.g.:

“Yeah…you haven’t…”, he mumbled and then looked at their hands and saw two golden shimmers.

“I saw, Blue.”, Silver said quietly.

Hvaing a comma there is incorrect. Also, rather than the full stops, a comma should be there in place of it, not after it. The following sentence links in the with first sentence, so a comma should be used as they can be taken as one sentence. IE.:
“I saw, Blue,” Silver said quietly.
Like so. There are a fair few instances of this happening...

Other stuff:
wish she could see we’re becoming distant now
see, not she.
“You deserve a rest,” he said.
“You tricked me. Bastard,” he said grimly.
“Just some rocks we found,” Green replied.
Remember, commas in these cases rather than full stops, as here the following few words link in with the dialogue, and flows on, instead of really being two sparate sentences.
“Silver?” Blue called. “Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, fine!” Silver replied while wiping a small amount of drool off his lips.
Is it custom in the Pokemon world to drool in conversations? ;) As I said, I liked these small quirks and touches.

...And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die’

Sure does…. Silver thought.
This one was the best. :)

Good chapter - quite well balenced, but with the constant small mistake. Fix those up.

Also don't rush the chapters so much - if the chapter is already to come out on Thursday or Friday... seems a bit quick to me (and given the time cut out for me due to school, I fail to see how you have the time... ;) ). It's usually best to wait a bit longer than that if you are writing as you go - keeps the audience waiting more, and is just a minor unwritten rule in Fanfiction that I learnt about. Also, less chance of the work being rushed. Sometimes it's good to wait a bit longer, than read it again with a fresh mind to see the mistakes better and all. Just a suggestion, mind...
(And it doesn't apply to people who are posting work from another forum. ;) Even then, I'm going to 5-day breaks for it)

Jak
April 1st, 2008, 07:49 AM
Thanks, guys. ^^

@Txteclipse- You do, now? Well, I was trying to get someone to know...eh. And yeah, it does suck for poor Silver. He needs a hug. -Silver huggles Silver- Dude, me and Silver would be like...SilverShipping or something. O_o

@bobandbill- Ehhh...it's always the stupid commas that get me. X.x And I only had one typo...dangit. I'll be working on that...and that is a real song. It's by BuckCherry. Get it? BuckCherry, BuckCherrim? ;D

About the drooling...well, sometimes, I kinda...I'm just sitting there in deep thought...and...you get it. I drool on myself. O_o Maybe too much information...-hides-

Edit: The only reason I planned on posting chapter five Thursday was because I thought I'd have time to write in 5th period, but we're working on a project and trying to play love connection. X.x So...yeah. That's been changed. It's now rescheduled to...Monday or Tuesday...heck, maybe even Wednesday! ;D But, for spoilers, go look in the fanfiction lounge. The people reading the written version found some quirks. xD

Jak
April 7th, 2008, 02:00 PM
Sorry for the delay! I've been pretty distracted lately. X.x This is probably the longest chapter, and possibly the saddest. So just read to find out. ^^ There also might be a text formatting issue around the end...my button isn't working correctly, so please ignore that.

NOTE: People reading the written version have pointed out some kinks that lead to believe something that was not implied. Keep in mind, they took seperate showers.


Just A Brother

Chapter Five: Chance

My last chance. My last chance to get things straight with her. I don’t know where she’s going, or for how long, but it’s time for her to know the truth. If it hasn’t been apparent to her yet, then that note will explain everything. But she has to know…

The next day, Gold and Silver awoke to Silver’s PokeGear yelling a commercial for credit reports. After a series of yawning and wake-up slapping, they flipped a coin for the first shower, with Silver winning.

After they had both had a shower, they decided school attire was not going to be their choice of clothing for the day. Instead, Gold wore a red t-shirt and his baggy blue jeans draped over his black and lime green checkered Vans. He discarded his red cap for the day and wore his goggles over his messy black hair.

Silver’s black shirt hugged his upper body and had a small skull imprint on the lower left corner. His baggy navy blue jeans covered his black Converse slightly, but the words ‘you lost the game’ were still visible on the toe of his right shoe. His studded bracelet shone in the sunlight peering from the window as he got his silver tie from the desk and put it around his neck.

“Dude, please don’t wear that,” Gold complained.

Silver frowned at him. “D’you want me to look like a hoodlum?”

Gold looked up and actually took this though into consideration.

“Hey, you never told me what happened in the forest.”

“Oh…basically, me and Blue had a fight and…I ended up telling her that she has no heart…so, yeah,” Silver retorted.

“What?! You said that to her? I would never tell Crystal anything like that…”

“No, Gold. I had a reason.”

“What gives you the right?” Gold asked, now folding his arms and looking at Silver angrily.

“Remember what happened last year?” Silver asked.

“You mean when Green and Sabrina…and you and Blue…?” Gold was slightly confused at what relevance this had to the current situation.

“Yeah, well…me and Blue…our situation only happened for revenge on Green,” Silver said as his voice fell quieter. “It had no meaning.”

Gold looked at him with a look of pity. “That sucks.”

Silver picked up his bag and set the strap on his left shoulder with the rest of it sitting on his right side. “But, I overreacted and I need to apologize. C’mon,” he beckoned Gold out of the room.



Downstairs, silence and a feeling of loneliness greeted them.

“Before we leave, we’re EATING!” Gold yelled as he ran to the refrigerator and opened it.

Silver sat on the couch and watched Gold’s raid. “You can. I haven’t eaten in two days, and quite frankly, I’m not really hungry.”

Gold immediately jumped after hearing this.

“What?! Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, no, no!” Gold spazzed and searched through the refrigerator insanely. “You need food! You need it now! How much do you weigh?”

“Gold, I’m not hungry,” Silver said calmly.

“You say you aren’t, but I can hear your stomach from here. You’re starving!”

Silver rolled his eyes at Gold’s reaction.

Gold grabbed six blueberry muffins from the refrigerator and ran over to the couch.

“EAT!” he yelled as he stuffed a muffin in Silver’s mouth. “Eat like a Grumpig!!”

“Ionteefooeet!” Silver shouted through the muffin. He grabbed the pastry and pulled it out of his mouth. “But, if it makes you happy,” he took a bite of the muffin. “I’ll eat it.” He finished with his mouth full.

Gold nodded in approval and ate a muffin for himself. He walked back over to the refrigerator and noticed a sheet of paper in the floor.

“Hey,” Gold called as he picked up the paper to examine it. “I think this is a note from your dad,”

“What’s it say?” Silver asked while finishing his muffin.

“‘Silver, went to take care of some business on Cinnibar Island. I left some muffins in the fridge.’“ he read aloud. “I think we figured out about the muffins already,” he laughed.

“Yeah, okay. Lets go. It’s almost eleven.” Silver said as he got up from the couch.

“Great! That means it’s only an hour from lunch!!” Gold shouted as he ran out the front door.

Silver stood where he was and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a folded up piece of paper. It was very wrinkled and was covered in bloodstains, but the addressee was still legible—Blue. He gave it a hopeful squeeze and tucked it back into his pocket as he walked out the door.

Outside, Gold had pulled out a large piece of folded up paper. As Silver locked up the house, Gold unfolded the big sheet and was now examining it—a map of Kanto.

“So how long from here to Vermilion?” Gold asked with his face buried in the map.

Silver slapped his palm over the map so he could see Gold’s face. “Three hours.”

“Oh,” Gold sighed as he folded the map and put it back in his bag. He pulled out his Mantine’s Pokeball and released it. The big, blue sting ray flopped around on the ground, its stubby antennas bobbling along.

Silver reached into his bag and grabbed Honchkrow’s Pokeball and called it out. The big black crow stood on the ground and let out a squawk.

“Shall we?” Silver asked.

“We shall!” Gold exclaimed as he hooked onto Silver’s arm.

Silver gave him a cold stare. “Don’t touch me.”

Gold let go of his arm. “Right. Sorry!” he laughed.

“Lets just go. Honchkrow!” Silver called as he lifted his hands up. Honchkrow arose from the ground and grabbed Silver’s hands with its feet and hovered its trainer into the air. “Gold?”

“Right!” he exclaimed as he jumped on Mantine’s back. Mantine flapped its large fins and ascended into the air next to Honchkrow. They then started heading for Vermilion City.

Three hours later, after a series of ‘are we there yet’s, ‘I have to pee’s, and ‘shut up’s…

Honchkrow and Mantine started to decline to the ground of Route 6. Honchkrow set Silver on his feet and let go of his hands while Mantine landed flat on the ground. The trainers recalled their Pokemon and started walking down towards Vermilion City.

The small wooden houses were scattered throughout the city and all looked well kempt. Most of them were colored white or light blue, and those that weren’t were being painted right then. A large building was being constructed in the middle of the city, and already had seven stories on it.

The Vermilion Gym seemed to bristle with static electricity as a wild Rattata ran by with its fur completely frazzled. The Pokemon Center’s red roof was adjacent to the blue roofed PokeMart, and just a little further down, there seemed to be a hub where many sailors had gathered.

“Great timing!” Gold exclaimed as they entered the city. Silver pulled out his PokeGear. “Gold, it’s four. You took an hour to eat lunch, if you recall.”

“Sorry,” Gold sighed. He looked at his Mantine is its Pokeball and noticed it was very tired. “Hey, do you think we have time to take these guys to the Pokemon Center? I’m sure they’re tired.”

Silver looked at Honchkrow and noticed a look of weariness in it, too. “Yeah, lets go.”

As they walked, Silver looked over to the harbor and saw the S.S. Aqua sitting at the dock. It had a red stripe running across the hull and the name ‘S.S Aqua’ was in big, black letters close to the bow. The gentle waves lapped against the hull of the ship as it sat in the water awaiting its passengers. In a way, it seemed lonely.

The cool air greeted Gold and Silver as they walked into the Pokemon Center. Nurse Joy was up at the front desk with her pink hair pulled back. She wore her normal nurse’s dress and greeted Gold as he approached, with Silver following slowly behind. Silver looked around skeptically and noticed an abundance of sailors showing off their muscular arms.

“Yo!” Gold called to Nurse Joy. “My Mantine’s pretty wiped after flying here. Think you could get his energy back up?” he said as he held out the Pokeball for the sting ray Pokemon.

Nurse Joy nodded. “Of course!” she said with a smile. She took the Pokeball and placed it on the healing device next to her. “One moment please.”

Gold turned to face Silver, who was still watching the sailors flex.

“Hey, you’re next,” Gold said.

Silver took out his Pokegear to check the time, which was fifteen after four. “Yup.”

Nurse Joy handed Mantine’s Pokeball back to Gold and then took Silver’s Honchkrow’s and placed it on the machine. A green light shone from underneath the Pokeball, healing Honchkrow’s weariness. Nurse Joy handed Honchkrow’s Pokeball back to Silver and bid the trainers fare well and they left.

Once they were outside, they looked over at the hub where the sailors were gathered. They clanked their large beers mugs together and started singing “A Pirate’s Life For Me”. Another duo of sailors were exchanging foul words and started fighting, both clearly intoxicated.

“Ah, Vermilion City,” Silver sighed. “where sailors get drunk and beat each other up so you can read about it the next day in The Vermilion Star.”

Gold started to laugh, but was interrupted when a large shadow loomed over him and Silver.

“You think that’s funny, kid?” a big, Brooklyn accent voice asked from behind.

Gold and Silver slowly turned around and looked up to find a large, burly sailor hovering over them. So big, in fact, that his sailor suit was liable to pop off at any moment. His shaved head and skull tattoo on his arm only added to his menacing appearance.

“No one talks about sailors like that and gets away with it. NOBODY!!” he yelled. “I’ll take you on, carrot-top!” he boomed as he tossed out a Pokeball.

A big, bluish Pokemon with four arms appeared. It was almost human like, or more sailor-like as it started to flex its big muscles.

“Look,” Silver started, “I have no time for—“

“Machamp! Brick Break!!” the sailor called.

Silver and Gold managed to move out of the way as Machamp charged at them with its upper right arm.

Silver reached into his bag for a Pokeball and tossed it into battle.

I don’t care who it is, just get me through this thing, he thought.

A small, black, weasel-like Pokemon came out from the randomly thrown Pokeball. Its pink feathered headdress stood atop its head and its pink tail feathers twitched with excitement and it bared its razor sharp claws. It gave a screechy cry a Machamp.

“Brick Break!” the sailor commanded again.

“Weavile, Avalance!” Silver called.

Machamp charged at Weavile, who was bracing itself, with its upper right arm and hit with incredible impact. Weavile landed face-down on the ground.

“Where’s you avalanche now, punk?” the sailor laughed.

Suddenly, Weavile got up and leaped into the air. It opened its mouth and took in a tremendous amount of air and exhaled huge snowballs straight at Machamp. The avalance buried Machamp in snow to where it was no longer visible. Weavile landed on Silver’s shoulder as the sailor recalled his frozen Pokemon.

“Keep the change. Later!” Silver called as he recalled Weavile and started to dash.

“Sorry, kid!” the sailor yelled as he threw out a big blob of purple sludge into battle. “But it’s not gonna be that easy!!”

Silver stopped and looked at the Muk the sailor had sent out and then checked the time. His Pokegear now read 4:45.

“Damnit!” he yelled. “Look, I have a life to get to if you don’t mind,”

Then, the Muk spurted out sludge directly at Silver, but a purple monkey used the hand at the end of one of its two tails to swat the slime away.

“Great, Ataro! I’m glad you evolved into an Ambipom!” Gold called. “Silver, you go and find Blue! I’ll take care of this bozo!”

Silver nodded and started to run to the harbor. There were several people who were now boarding the ship. Silver took out his Pokegear to check the time again.

4:50…dumbass sailor, he thought.

He looked around at the people boarding the ship, but didn’t see Blue anywhere.

I guess she’s trying to avoid me, he thought.

“Of…you’re here.” A female voice said quietly.

Silver looked up and saw Blue standing next to him. She had a light blue suitcase and was still wearing her attire from yesterday.

“Yeah, I am,” Silver replied weakly. “Blue, I’m really sorry about yesterday.”

“It’s fine, but I should be—“

“And here,” he pulled out the note and held it out to her, “is why I care so much.”

Blue reluctantly took the note from Silver’s hand. She looked at it and was a little repulsed by the bloodstains.

Meanwhile, the sky above started to darken to a shade of gray, and the clouds blocked the sun’s rays.

“Please read it.” Silver pleaded.

Blue looked at him, very confused, but slowly unfolded the note.


Blue,


There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while. Well, honestly, years. Blue, I love you, with all my heart. And I’ve truly fallen in love with you over all these years. My life wouldn’t be anything without you…I just hope that someday…you can love me like I love you.


-Silver


Blue looked up at Silver, a few tears on her cheek. “Silver,” she whispered. The sky now roared with oncoming thunder. “I’m sorry, but…look, I love you, too, but in a sibling way. To me, you’re…just a brother.”

Silver stared at her blankly as the thunder laughed at him in the distance.

“Hey, little lady! We’re about to leave!” called a sailor from the ship.

Blue gave Silver a hug, Silver not embracing her back. She walked towards the boat slowly and before getting on, she looked back and whispered, “I’m sorry, Silver.”

She then boarded the ship and it slowly left off for the Sevii Islands.

Silver stared down at the deck and rain started to pour down on him, soaking his hair and clothes. The note he wrote for Blue lay on the dock and the wind blew it over. The heavy rainfall plummeted the drenched paper and caused it to fall into the ocean.

The sky mourns again, he thought.

GunSaberSeraph
April 7th, 2008, 02:57 PM
aww man... poor silver... certainly he won't let it end that easy will he? plus, that sailor was a jerk.

Jak
April 7th, 2008, 03:00 PM
aww man... poor silver... certainly he won't let it end that easy will he? plus, that sailor was a jerk.

And to think...it's not over yet. X.x Well, are you realizing how Silver's been through the fan fic? 'glimmer of hope' is written all over his emotionally distrought self.

Yes. Un-named Sailor shall forever go down in the 'World's Most Jerkish Characters' book.

darkcowboy
April 7th, 2008, 03:29 PM
do you have any freeking idea, how much you freeking rock??!?!??!? <_< maybe i ovr did it... BUT YOU STILL ROCK!!! XDDDDDDD.

Jak
April 7th, 2008, 04:29 PM
do you have any freeking idea, how much you freeking rock??!?!??!? <_< maybe i ovr did it... BUT YOU STILL ROCK!!! XDDDDDDD.

Random much? O.o

Oh, and be expecting chapter six sometime next week...I finally get spring break. :D

It's also turning up to be pretty dramatic...even though I haven't started writing it. :o

darkcowboy
April 7th, 2008, 05:20 PM
XP I'm fueled by randomness.

bobandbill
April 7th, 2008, 11:20 PM
Quite nice, and sad. I liked the feelings conveyed in that chapter - quite nice. Description in certainly places were quite nice (such as the clothes Silver and Gold wore), although in places was a bit bare, but overall good. Interesting character interaction, including the part with the sailor (stupid sailor).

One thing that cropped up a bit is that the sentences you use... are a bit similar in length. A lot are the very silimar in length, and gave it a repetitive pace at times - like a longer version of 'This happened like so. That happened like so. They went that way. They went this way' - like a more detailed list, but still a list. Mix it up more, or longer or shorter sentences - that that majoir but needs a little bit of work.

Also, with commas... well, better than before, but still a fair few mistakes - and a new one as well...
“Dude, please don’t wear that,” Gold complained.
Comma here, as 'Gold complained' still links on with the spoken sentence.
“Oh…basically, me and Blue had a fight and…I ended up telling her that she has no heart…so, yeah,” Silver retorted.
And again - as you are describing the way it was spoken, it links in with the dialogue. BTW, feel 'mumbled' or something along those lines fits in better than retorted, given the way Silver says what he says, with paues in the ellipses and all.
“No, Gold. I had a reason.”
There was nothing aftre this sentence, so it is separate. Thus the full stop.
Gold looked at him with a look of pity. “That sucks.”
“Please read it,” Silver pleaded.
And so forth. Maybe, have a look at DarkPersian's grammer guide that was recently posted in the Author's louge - it basically covers everything on commas, as well as some other stuff. It's a sticked thread.

Other stuff:
But she has to know…I can’t keep this inside of me any longer…

The next day, Gold and Silver awoke to Silver’s PokeGear yelling a commercial for credit reports.
The second sentence kinda disturbed the mood of the begging - those too sentences were totally different and didn't gel at all... made the second sentence seem random and unexpected.

After a series of yawning and wake-up slapping, they flipped a coin for the first shower, with Silver winning.

After they had both had a shower,
Sentences such as this... seem rather balnd. You told us that they were about to, and then followed up with 'after they had their showers' - makes the whole showing process seem unnesserary. Makes it feel like a list, and isn't the best style to use. Try to link such statements in a more subtle way, rather than a 'this happened - then that happened' - style of a description of events.

Silver sat on the couch and watched Gold’s raid. “You can. I haven’t eaten in two days, and quite frankly, I’m not really hungry.”

Gold immediately jumped after hearing this.

“What?! Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, no, no!” Gold spazzed and searched through the refrigerator insanely. “You need food! You need it now! How much do you weigh?”

Gold reacted in a similar way to how I would. :) Although, 'spazzed' isn't reallya wrod as far as I know - see the meaning implyed but maybe something else could have served better.
He pulled out a folded up piece of paper. I was very wrinkled and was covered in bloodstains,
Wait, what? You were very wrinkled and covered in bloodstains? WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU SILVERSMEARGLE!
...sorry, I just found thatmistake rather amusing. :P It, not I.
Gold let go of his arm. “Right. Sorry!” he laughed.
A bit of the issue I mentioned aboue - that sentence could be move to after the dialogue (e.g. ...Sorry!" he lauged, as he released Silver's arm.). Flows better that way, unlike the other, which feels... clunky.

Three hours later, after a series of ‘are we there yet’s, ‘I have to pee’s, and ‘shut up’s…
Suggest info like that to be italiced...
It was almost human like, or more sailors like as it started to flex its muscles.
Unnesserary 's' there.

“Where’s you avalanche now, punk?” the sailor laughed.

Suddenly, Weavile got up and leaped into the air. It opened its mouth and took in a tremendous amount of air and exhaled huge snowballs straight at Machamp. The avalance buried Machamp in snow to where it was no longer visible. Weavile landed on Silver’s shoulder as the sailor recalled his frozen Pokemon.

Hurrah for speaking too soon. :)
Then, the Muk spurted out sludge directly at Silver, but a purple monkey used the hand at the end of one of its two tails to swat the slime away.
Slurted, rather than spurt. Also, for the italiced part... do you realize how random that sounded? And now I'm think of purple monkey dishwashers...
“And here,” he pulled out the note and held it out to her. “is why I care so much.”
Full stope here kinda makes it incorrect... maybe just a comma?

Nice chapter though - enjoyable to read. Keep it up!

Jak
April 8th, 2008, 12:29 PM
Wait, what? You were very wrinkled and covered in bloodstains? WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU SILVERSMEARGLE!
...sorry, I just found thatmistake rather amusing. :P It, not I

Oh wow. xD I'm not quite sure!! The sailors' moms never taught them not to hit a girl!
Ah, I laughed for about...five minutes straight after reading that. Fixed it. xP

Sentences such as this... seem rather balnd. You told us that they were about to, and then followed up with 'after they had their showers' - makes the whole showing process seem unnesserary. Makes it feel like a list, and isn't the best style to use. Try to link such statements in a more subtle way, rather than a 'this happened - then that happened' - style of a description of events.


I meant to put ~'s after that sentence...I'll fix that, too.
At first reading that, I thought you wanted me to describe the showering process...in which doing so makes me uneasy. ._.;; But now I get what you mean.

Anyway, I'll be working on the [stupid] commas. X.x

Thanks! ^^

Star★Seeker
April 8th, 2008, 05:22 PM
Ah the stench of teen misery, beautiful, so far I like the dark tone, I'm getting tired of happiness, poor Silver-Kun.Oh, and is the rock what I think it is?Is it a Drifloon?*Winks*

skyterra
April 8th, 2008, 06:08 PM
From what I've seen, the fic looks good and has a good future.

I'm gonna give you a little advice on gold though, his Mantine can't actually fly. It uses His remoraids as jets or propulsion.

Just felt like putting that out there.

Espreon
April 9th, 2008, 12:36 PM
I'm gonna give you a little advice on gold though, his Mantine can't actually fly. It uses His remoraids as jets or propulsion.


Really? I beg to differ. *Points to every 3D game that has Mantine implemented in it.*
I don't see the Remoraids doing anything to allow Mantine to fly...

Jak
April 9th, 2008, 01:17 PM
From what I've seen, the fic looks good and has a good future.

I'm gonna give you a little advice on gold though, his Mantine can't actually fly. It uses His remoraids as jets or propulsion.

Just felt like putting that out there.

Thanks. ^^

Yeah, I know...but I didn't know what to do with them. I didn't want Gold to be like "ZOMG I need Remoraids!!" so I kinda...excluded that. -shot-

Really? I beg to differ. *Points to every 3D game that has Mantine implemented in it.*
I don't see the Remoraids doing anything to allow Mantine to fly...

Actually, in the manga, that's how Mantine flies.

I also remembered that Mantine's name is Mantaro...oooops.

Espreon
April 9th, 2008, 01:59 PM
I also remembered that Mantine's name is Mantaro...oooops.

Well you could always edit the chapters that you made that little mistake.

Jak
April 9th, 2008, 02:06 PM
Well you could always edit the chapters that you made that little mistake.

I was actually about to do that. I also need to edit the written version. X.x

There's some things in chapter five that aren't in the written chapter five. Like the note blowing off the pier and falling into the water, and in the written it's 'The Whale' and not 'The Wailord'. This is more of a laugh for my friends reading the written because it's our assistant principal, who's very large.

But I'll be getting to edit that soon...but I have to leave in a little bit, so I might have to get to it tomorrow.

skyterra
April 9th, 2008, 02:55 PM
Really? I beg to differ. *Points to every 3D game that has Mantine implemented in it.*
I don't see the Remoraids doing anything to allow Mantine to fly...

You can't be serious. EVERY true "fish" water Pokemon floats in the 3d games, so that argument is moot.

8 foot floating Sharpedo anyone?

@Silversmearglesplatter
I, personally, am wondering why you evolved all the Pokemon Gold and Silver had.

Espreon
April 9th, 2008, 04:03 PM
You can't be serious. EVERY true "fish" water Pokemon floats in the 3d games, so that argument is moot.

@Silversmearglesplatter
I, personally, am wondering why you evolved all the Pokemon Gold and Silver had.

-Yeah but we see action from Mantine's wings, like when it is attacked it uses its wings to "fly" to its original position.

-We don't know if he made Gold's Togepi evolve into Togekiss and then possibly Togekiss yet.

Post Office Buddy
April 9th, 2008, 07:12 PM
His baggy navy blue jeans covered his black Converse slightly, but the words ‘you lost the game’ were still visible on the toe of his right shoe.


I have two words for you: you suck

I was just joking. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading through your fic. I'm surprised I hadn't read it yet. Oh well, I'm here now, so no harm done.

I normally don't enjoy reading romantic stories, but this one has me riveted. That in itself is a great accomplishment.

Jak
April 10th, 2008, 12:54 PM
Ah the stench of teen misery, beautiful, so far I like the dark tone, I'm getting tired of happiness, poor Silver-Kun.Oh, and is the rock what I think it is?Is it a Drifloon?*Winks*

Drifloon? What does Drifloon have to do with...OH. ;D

I have two words for you: you suck

I knew someone would catch that! xD

I, personally, am wondering why you evolved all the Pokemon Gold and Silver had.

Well, they're both like...thirteen in the Battle Frontier arc, and in this they're seventeen. I'd imagine that Aipom would learn Double Hit, Sneasel would hold a Razor Claw, and Silver would find a Dusk Stone for Murkrow. O.o

And no, Togekiss has no appearance in this. I don't like Togekiss, and Togepi isn't even on Gold's main team.

I was just joking. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading through your fic. I'm surprised I hadn't read it yet. Oh well, I'm here now, so no harm done.

I normally don't enjoy reading romantic stories, but this one has me riveted. That in itself is a great accomplishment.

Well, with that said, I feel accomplished. 8D

skyterra
April 10th, 2008, 01:28 PM
Well, they're both like...thirteen in the Battle Frontier arc, and in this they're seventeen. I'd imagine that Aipom would learn Double Hit, Sneasel would hold a Razor Claw, and Silver would find a Dusk Stone for Murkrow. O.o


So, in your story, it goes by how the Hoenn dex holders + Gold and Crystal de-stoned them?

Jak
April 10th, 2008, 01:33 PM
So, in your story, it goes by how the Hoenn dex holders + Gold and Crystal de-stoned them?

Pretty much, although the Hoenn Dex Holders won't be mentioned...well, they might. Just depends.

Just for the record, there are a lot of fics out there with those five that are 'de-stoned'. ^^

chosenvsoldrivalrules
April 11th, 2008, 08:14 PM
hmm, what are those two doing? Anyways, please update faster, and also i loved the song, sure fits Silver's mood ;)

Luphinid Silnaek
April 12th, 2008, 09:26 AM
Well, then. Obsessed with the virtue of equal exchange, I review your fiction in return for your review of mine.

It's definitely one of the better works I've seen. Being a romantic fiction, the character development is quite competent. (Matters will be clarified if I inform you about the vocabulary breakdown I usually have at this time of day.) I've only ever gone as far as Volume 10 of the Pokéspecial manga, but I suppose I have the information strictly necessary to understand the fiction. It suits me, in any case, despite my aversion to romance; it is strictly dark and ruinous, which is enough for me.

I've always seen Silver to be very impersonal and cold, however; is this some development that I haven't seen in the manga? I haven't seen Gold and Silver become buddies, and neither have I seen the scene which fueled his interest, so it's likely that he becomes more emotional canonically. Well, whatever. Let me write something of any consequence.

Regarding language: perhaps the flow could use some improvement; I've never seen purely physical depiction of anything to be a good development. The feeling of a list is most effectively dispelled when some metaphysical element of the narrator's joins the events together, or otherwise gives them meaning. I refer to the moments such as:

As they walked, Silver looked over to the harbor and saw the S.S. Aqua sitting at the dock. It had a red stripe running across the hull and the name ‘S.S Aqua’ was in big, black letters close to the bow. The gentle waves lapped against the hull of the ship as it sat in the water awaiting its passengers. In a way, it seemed lonely.

For, indeed, writing is not merely a series of physical events but also the poetic significance behind them; and what better way to set mood and create harmony than to add this. Arrgh, I'm derailing. I suggest having the description seem to complement and prove a point in the narration, or fit nicely into metaphor. This will have the reader feel that even the more menial details mean something and the sentences are worth reading. I also suggest taking my advice cautiously, since I can utter unusual sense and nonsense side-by-side in a sleep-deprived state.

Well. Ahem. My thoughts on your characters and their progression. The personalities, as ar as I can remember, are spot-on; they accurately reflect the personalities of their canon counterparts. I feel some very interesting developments will take place between Giovanni and Silver. Giovanni appears to be indeed a little timid, cautious, soft in front of his son; I was expecting something like an iron rule. I wonder how his natural self will show itself, and why it's inhibited in the first place. (Of course, something might have happened in-canon to break his sharpness, and I never read about it, but I can't see how. Please do tell me if it has.)

Well, do please forgive me for the liquefied review. I promise a better one at a more conscious time. There should be more to comment when I have only one chapter to go into detail in and more developments in the story.

Star★Seeker
April 12th, 2008, 05:55 PM
Oh, hey, my dirty mind and Silver's suspision got the best of me, now I really know what the gold, shiny things are ;) I imagined this could happen and drive Silver mad, drowned in self-pity, alcohol and depression.
EDIT:I made a pic to show how much I like this fic, it's of Silver (http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/171/scannedimagesn9.jpg) I know it isn't tha good, but for a 12-year old, I find it nice.

Jak
April 15th, 2008, 03:19 PM
hmm, what are those two doing? Anyways, please update faster, and also i loved the song, sure fits Silver's mood

Whoa. What do you think they're doing? :o

And about the updates, I'm writing as I post. I finish writing, then post, basically. I haven't started chapter six yet, and I'm on spring break and I...kinda want to enjoy it. :/

But, I need to get this all up...I have a 67 in math, so I'll be grounded next Monday. ;-;

Oh, hey, my dirty mind and Silver's suspision got the best of me, now I really know what the gold, shiny things are ;) I imagined this could happen and drive Silver mad, drowned in self-pity, alcohol and depression.

Minus the alcohol. :o

Espreon
April 15th, 2008, 04:31 PM
But, I need to get this all up...I have a 67 in math, so I'll be grounded next Monday. ;-;


Report Card + Paper Shredder = No grounding!

If your parents (hopefully they are gullible) ask tell them that some maniac came and ravaged your mailbox (I did it to someone once when I was like 7...), just take out any important stuff like the bills and hide them until the next day and after the mailperson comes just put the important mail back.

Jak
April 15th, 2008, 05:10 PM
Report Card + Paper Shredder = No grounding!

If your parents (hopefully they are gullible) ask tell them that some maniac came and ravaged your mailbox (I did it to someone once when I was like 7...), just take out any important stuff like the bills and hide them until the next day and after the mailperson comes just put the important mail back.

Good plan...

But, we get our report cards at school, my parents are far from gullible, and I have a straight A sister. Dx

Espreon
April 15th, 2008, 05:15 PM
Good plan...

But, we get our report cards at school, my parents are far from gullible, and I have a straight A sister. Dx

You mean you and not your parents receive the report card?

Alternate plan, pay a guy to make it appear he mugged you and stole the report card.

We should discuss this over PMing. I love to help people out of ineffective parenting...

GunSaberSeraph
April 15th, 2008, 05:21 PM
it's so good to know your fic is getting such a good following. what other plans do you have for stories, Splatty?

Jak
April 15th, 2008, 05:28 PM
You mean you and not your parents receive the report card?

Alternate plan, pay a guy to make it appear he mugged you and stole the report card.

Is your sister the pompous type who shoves that fact in your face to show off?

We should discuss this over PMing. I love to help people out of ineffective parenting...

Yes; Nah; Sometimes; Good plan. ;D

it's so good to know your fic is getting such a good following. what other plans do you have for stories, Splatty?

Well, for this story...I can't tell you. ;D But, I can tell you that it is going to fall back in to the dread persona it had early on. The reason it perked up with jokes was so that my audience wasn't gloomy all the time.

Stories later to come, an unnamed oneshot about a young man named Ciaran. I can't tell you much on this for fear the idea will be stolen by a wanderer...but, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. The characters aren't canon, they're made by me...and it's not in the 'gloom' persona for the most part.

Espreon
April 15th, 2008, 05:30 PM
Yes; Nah; Sometimes; Good plan. ;D


Oh well then, I am really just coming up with random plans. Nonetheless, I hope you can endure it.

Star★Seeker
April 15th, 2008, 05:37 PM
Awwww, but the alcohol makes everything better!*Drinks* *random hangover typing*, BTW, the way this story goes, I'll need someone to remind me to get Silver the book "Suicide for Emotionally Disrought Dummies" once I find it and his mailing address *Insert Laugh Emoticon Here*

Jak
April 15th, 2008, 05:39 PM
Awwww, but the alcohol makes everything better!*Drinks* *random hangover typing*, BTW, the way this story goes, I'll need someone to remind me to get Silver the book "Suicide for Emotionally Disrought Dummies" once I find it and his mailing address :laugh:


Awwww. ;-;

Well, if you think like that, you'll like chapter six. ;D

Star★Seeker
April 15th, 2008, 05:43 PM
Awwww. ;-;

Well, if you think like that, you'll like chapter six. ;DWhich part, the book one or the alcohol one?

Jak
April 15th, 2008, 05:45 PM
^ Neither, but if you want to keep guessing, just send a PM so in case you do get it right, you won't spoil it for the others who are reading this. :D

chosenvsoldrivalrules
April 20th, 2008, 07:17 PM
when is the next chappie gonna post? Oh and, i'm trying to make a banner for this, hope you don't mind, i'll post it when i finish XD

Star★Seeker
April 20th, 2008, 07:49 PM
when is the next chappie gonna post? Oh and, i'm trying to make a banner for this, hope you don't mind, i'll post it when i finish XDI ask myself the same question, but Splatty said she'll be grounded tommorow, so maybe by the end of the week, IDK.

Jak
April 21st, 2008, 01:35 PM
when is the next chappie gonna post? Oh and, i'm trying to make a banner for this, hope you don't mind, i'll post it when i finish XD

That's fine. ^^ Can't gurantee I'll use it. I switch themes a lot.

I ask myself the same question, but Splatty said she'll be grounded tommorow, so maybe by the end of the week, IDK.

I was just coming here to get to that.

1. I started writing chapter six...it has the thought caption and one paragraph. That's it. xD
2. Got my progress report today. I wouldn't be expecting to see me very often until that sixty seven in math goes up. -snivel-

-kicks square root of six plus four over five-

Jak
May 13th, 2008, 08:00 AM
Wow. I am so sorry guys. I had spring break, and a break-up...so I've been busy. But! I have chapter six for you loyal Just A Brother fans out there. ;D

Just note, I won't be able to read any reviews. This computer blocks the latest page of all fics...so bleh. And I'm grounded for the rest of the school year, but I doubt my mom will remember. So, here it is!

PS: On the review thing, I won't be able to revise anything(grammar errors, spelling, etc.) So just deal with it. The bell's about to ring.

Just A Brother

Chapter Six: Cutting Edge

I give up at this point. Why make myself feel worse than I feel right now? I already took a dagger to the heart. What is there left? I guess I’ll just have to be content with our friendship…

Silver continued to look down at the pier as the sky kept drenching him with its tears of rain.

I’m done, he thought.

The sound of footsteps ran onto the pier.

“Silver,” Gold panted, “I beat that jerk sailor! So, did you find Blue?”

Silver turned around and gave a glare at Gold. “I did.” He replied grimly.

“And?” Gold asked, anticipating good news.

Silver turned back around to look at where the S.S. Aqua once was.

“She told me, that to her…I was just a brother…” he replied as he glanced at the pier.

Gold frowned and looked at the paper in the water. The bloodstains were coming off as the rest started to deteriorate.

“Can’t say you didn’t try, I guess!” Gold said, giving a forced smile.

The rain continued to pound the two as they stood in silence. Gold sighed and slowly walked up to Silver. As he placed his hand on Silver’s shoulder, Silver jerked away.

“Don’t touch me.” He said, sounding very agitated.

Gold looked at him with concern.

“Silver, come on. Let’s go,”

“I was a fool for ever thinking she could love me…a fool.” Silver said through gritted teeth as he clenched his fists.

Gold looked confused for a moment.

“Look, you’re not—“

“Don’t deny that! I know I am!” Silver yelled as he jerked around to face Gold.

Gold was speechless. It was horrid to see someone like Silver start to break like this. As much as he wanted to help him, there was nothing he could say to console his enraged and confused friend.

Silver reached into his wet bag, his hands scavenging through it frantically.

“What are you looking for? Gold managed to ask, a bit nervously. He stared at the searching hands, afraid of what might happen next.

“Anything to rid me of the world,” Silver muttered as he pulled out a pocket knife.

Gold’s eyes widened with horror. “S-silver? What’re you…gonna do with that?”

Silver fiddled with the knife playfully in his hand and sighed. “Oh, just…something I should’ve done long ago.”

Silver seemed more calm at this point, but this type of ‘calm’ was not the kind he needed to be. It was the calm people go to before the completely lose it. Gold knew this, but couldn’t muster a word out of his mouth, as if his knowledge of language was lost in the back of his mind.

“Really, I don’t want to be here anymore,” Silver continued, with a alight arrogance in his tone as he walked to the edge of the pier. “And ‘here’ doesn’t want me, either.”

Gold could only watch his friend now, feeling a grip of paralysis holding him from what he needed to do. The strong rain didn’t help this feeling. The lightning struck somewhere distant and the late thunder gave its roar.

Silver gave a frown as he looked at Gold in his petrified state. “Not going to stop me, are you?”

Gold didn’t reply; he only stared blankly.

“I thought so.” Silver sighed, still playing with the weapon in his hands. He turned to face the sea and gripped the knife’s handle tightly. He slowly lifted his free arm level to his chest and hovered the knife over it, and then gave the scene a vacant stare.

Gold felt and ominous chill over his body as he continued to watch Silver, unable to move or speak.

Silver pushed the button on the pocket knife. A silvery blade was sheathed from the handle, giving a shine in the rain, almost as if it was cutting the rain. It was not the sharpest of blades, but not the dullest—just right to cut the ‘life line’ in a person’s wrist.

Silver slowly moved the edge of the blade to his wrist, so close he felt the cold steel touch his bare skin.

Gold suddenly felt everything rush back to him.

“Silver, wait!” he shouted as he bolted towards Silver.

Silver hadn’t even turned his head around when Gold snatched the knife from Silver’s hand.

“Look, don’t do this!” Gold yelled at him.

Silver stared at Gold. It wasn’t an angry stare, nor a sad stare. It was a stare of slight thankfulness, as if hewanted Gold to take the knife from him.

Gold tossed the knife into the water. It cut through the middle of the note and drug the remains down to the bottom along with it.

“Were you really going to do that?” Gold asked.

Silver looked at where the knife had struck the water. “I would’ve, had you not been here. Having a witness isn’t how you’re supposed to pull that stunt.”

Gold looked at him skeptically. “Look, I know this phrase is overused, but there are plenty of fish in the sea,” he sighed. “And, if you really love her, you’ll want what’s best for her…and you know that it’s Green.”

Silver looked up at the sky, which had ceased rainfall for a while now. “Right,” he replied with a half-hearted smile.

Ageless Irony
May 13th, 2008, 09:56 AM
Oh @$#%!
I had a feeling that that was going to happen...
More than a feeling... (Whee Boston)

Anywaym, that was really good, the only thing that bothers me is that after Silver decides not to do it and such...What Gold said at the end seemed...odd...for what you would say to your best friend after they just tried to kill themself...(Take it from somebody who knows...) Maybe a hug? Gold's a pretty sensitive guy, right? xD
Though Silver would just push him off...

That's all I have to say except for that that was awesome.
Very awesome.
Keep up the good work, bud. ;D

GunSaberSeraph
May 13th, 2008, 01:59 PM
whoa, that was freakin' crazy. in a good way, of course. i don't know what i would've done if i were Gold....

How delightfully intense, although Gold's reaction at the end is a little weird.

Star★Seeker
May 13th, 2008, 03:54 PM
Yay!!New chapter!It was awsome!However, what Gold said to Silver(the fish in the sea thing) was kinda innapropiate, but the other part was okay.Keep up the good work!

bobandbill
May 13th, 2008, 10:04 PM
Oh my, Silver nearly ventured towards suicide? Well... oh my! Surprisinging - didn't think the angst went THAT deep for him... he's one troubled guy he is.

Good chapter there, is a bit on the short side. Like the small bits of description here and there as well. Good atmosphere and such there in the lead up to the moment, and sentence structure seemed ok.

As for you not being able to read reviews - well, too bad - I'm not taking that for an excuse to give off nitpicks. ;)
guess I’ll just have to be content with out friendship…
Without, not with out.
Silver continued to look down at the pier as the sky kept drenching him with its tears of rain.
'Its tears of rain' - didn't quite gell with me, there.
“I did," he replied grimly.
“Don’t touch me," he said, sounding very agitated....
...“Silver, come on. Let’s go.”
“What are you looking for?" Gold managed to ask, a bit nervously
Silver continued, with a alight arrogance in his tone as he walked to the edge of the pier. 'A light', or 'a slight'...

Overall good - would have thought though that Gold would have reacted less 'calmly' at the end, as he was frozen with fear beforehand... and again it did seem a bit short. Not bad though - nice atmosphere there, and I hope your 'ban' will be lifted sooner rather than later.

Jak
May 14th, 2008, 07:31 AM
Well, thanks to anyone who's read chapter six. xD All I know is Royal Genesis and bobandbill read it...I was going to try to change the security settings on these computers, but unlike the freshmen academy, these are more secure.

As for chapter seven, when I get some paper, I'll start writing it.

And I know this chapter is kinda short...due to lack of paper, and the fact a twist is in chapter seven. ;D

GunSaberSeraph
May 14th, 2008, 03:47 PM
ooh, a twist! i looove twists!! i hope it's a good one... i'm happy your writing again*glomps*

Jak
May 23rd, 2008, 12:51 PM
That's all I have to say except for that that was awesome.
Very awesome.
Keep up the good work, bud. ;D

Thanks, buddeh. <3

Oh my, Silver nearly ventured towards suicide? Well... oh my! Surprisinging - didn't think the angst went THAT deep for him... he's one troubled guy he is.


Very much. If you think this was short, chapter seven...goodness. I'm having to add in a lot of dialogue, because really, only one thing happens in here.

what Gold said to Silver(the fish in the sea thing) was kinda innapropiate

It's not like he told him something perverted. :/

Anyway, thanks people. Chapter seven is being slow...heh heh. Like I said, having to add crap to fill it. Ew. Fillers. Dx

BigfootTheUnbeatable
May 23rd, 2008, 07:00 PM
I've been reading this story forever and I haven't gotten down to a review yet so here it is.

I like the idea of the plot, but one of my main concerns is there isn't enough backstory. Why does Silver love Blue so much? How did Blue and Green get together? Where are the other characters like Red and Yellow? Why is Silver just suddenly living with Giovanni? This is in canon right? I know some of these are not necessarily needed but they would improve the strength of the story in my opinion.

I love the pace and I love the frendship between Gold and Silver it's great! The suicide attempt was great. Well the scene anyway, not the actual idea of it, I don't want Silver to die! No matter how emo he gets! I'm starting to like the concept of other fish in the sea. Perhaps to make Blue jealous, but then the girl finds out about Silver's idea. Ohh drama!

Blue is a bit of a ***** but like how you portray as it seems fitting. I have a feeling she'll come to her senses. I think you should add more Green too. Overall though, great story. I'm anxious for chapter 7!

Jak
May 24th, 2008, 09:52 AM
I like the idea of the plot, but one of my main concerns is there isn't enough backstory. Why does Silver love Blue so much? How did Blue and Green get together? Where are the other characters like Red and Yellow? Why is Silver just suddenly living with Giovanni? This is in canon right? I know some of these are not necessarily needed but they would improve the strength of the story in my opinion.


He's known her almost all his life; I'm not sure...I just loooove OldRivalShipping -shot-; You'll see...; because he is? ; as much as I can make it.

Blue is a bit of a ***** but like how you portray as it seems fitting. I have a feeling she'll come to her senses. I think you should add more Green too. Overall though, great story. I'm anxious for chapter 7!

My friend said something a little worse. xD Yeah, don't worry, there's plenty more Green to come in chapters seven and eight.

lalalagirl
May 26th, 2008, 07:01 PM
Gahh! XP oh Blue, how could you? Well, i guess she was just following her heart... in a way...

Poor Silver!! Aww :( GOOD JOB GOLD!! You go.. er boy O.o . haha i can not wait until chapter 7 Silver!

Jak
May 26th, 2008, 07:03 PM
Poor Silver!! Aww :( GOOD JOB GOLD!! You go.. er boy O.o . haha i can not wait until chapter 7 Silver!

Funny story...it's sitting right next to me. :D

A sacred story, it is.

Astinus
May 26th, 2008, 10:36 PM
Hi, I'm here. Fear me, or something.

I caught up reading all six chapters in one night, since a lack of work and school would do that to you. I'll see if I can type up some sort of coherent review.

Since you were pressed for time each time that you posted a chapter, I'll just brush over those mistakes. But I do want to make my famous gesture towards DP479's guide to grammar so you can learn how to do dialogue correctly. That'll clear up some mistakes that bobandbill pointed out. As for the other mistakes that I saw, well you could either proof-read before posting or see if you can find a beta reader to just fix those typos before you post.

Now onto my main problem with this fic. There's a lack of emotion here. Everything seems to move so fast that it's kind of hard to see where Silver is coming from to go straight to suicide when Blue tells him that he's "just a brother". (Though I have to admit that I love that line.) I mean, give the readers more of how he feels. What are his thoughts?

There also needs to be some more back-story. Especially since I can't really imagine Giovanni as Mr. Mom. The last I know of Special's Giovanni was that he was standing there glaring at Red. (Yes, it's been years since I've read Special.) So some more back-story would be nice, especially since the manga isn't as wide-stream as it used to be. And yeah, more of the back-story between Blue and Silver, since that scene where she had kissed him for revenge on Green seems to be a central part of this story.

Oh, and Gold's line of "more fish in the sea" is so not the correct thing to say to someone whose heart has been broken, stepped on, and kicked repeatedly. *thwaps Gold over the head*

Other than the things that I mentioned, this story looks to be a good one. I'm wondering if there's a way for Silver to climb out of this pit of despair that he's fallen into, so I'll wait to see what's going to happen in chapter seven.

Espreon
May 26th, 2008, 11:02 PM
Oh, and Gold's line of "more fish in the sea" is so not the correct thing to say to someone whose heart has been broken, stepped on, and kicked repeatedly. *thwaps Gold over the head*


Perhaps the reason Gold said that is because he might be oblivious to the fact Silver appears to be in one of those Romeo and Juliet type relationships, except Blue is not being a Juliet...

Astinus
May 26th, 2008, 11:34 PM
Perhaps the reason Gold said that is because he might be oblivious to the fact Silver appears to be in one of those Romeo and Juliet type relationships, except Blue is not being a Juliet...
No matter the type of romantic relationship (and please enlighten me that there are stereotypes for relationships), that's still not something to say. Gold knew/knows that Silver cares for Blue enough to chase her down to tell her his feelings. And I would figure that since Gold knew about the kiss between Blue and Silver to make Green jealous, and that Gold went with Silver to Vermilion to find Blue, and that Gold fought in a Pokemon battle to allow Silver the chance to find Blue, that Gold has some idea what was going on.

And I believe that Silver (the author) has Gold and Silver as best friends, or darn close to it. (I mean, Gold just strolls right into the house and stays the night, shares a bathroom, forces food down Silver's mouth. Silver the author hasn't explained how deep or how long the two boys have been friends, but there's something there.)

Now no matter the label you might want to slap onto the relationship (Romeo/Juliet? I'm not seeing the similarities), Silver still cared for Blue. Enough to chase her down to tell her his feelings. Now he could have given up after he caught her with Green again in the forest. He could have left his feelings hidden from her, but he still held the hope that she cared for him in the way that he did (plus, that probably would have made for a very boring fic). But he still held the hope. And that hope was squashed down by Blue saying that Silver would never be anything more to her than "just a brother". And that drove him to attempt suicide.

Having Gold say that "there are other fish in the sea" to Silver makes it seem like he's telling Silver that Blue isn't as important as Silver made her out to be to him. And we're talking about chasing this girl down and nearly killing himself over being told that, and he still had some sort of relationship with her even if it wasn't the one that he wanted. And Silver himself said that he "would just have to be content with our[sic] friendship". Even with Blue's friendship, he still wanted to kill himself because he didn't have her where he wanted her to be. That shows that she's pretty darn important to him, and Gold's statement just puts her on par with any other girl out there, when Silver sees her as something special.

Besides, I remember being told/having read somewhere, during my few years researching all kinds of depression and dealing with suicide, that one of the worst things you can say to someone who broke up with/got rejected by someone is that "there are others out there". They don't see that there will be other chances. They might see it as cheapening the relationship they had or the person they were chasing because it was special to them. (Or they might see it another way.)

That's my main problem with Gold's line, which is why I said that. And I doubt Gold is oblivious since he obviously knew how much Silver cared about this girl if he went along with the plan to chase her down. (How many friends would do that? To fly three hours away from home in an instant so their friend could have some chance of happiness. I haven't met many like that.)

And may I also ask that there's a definite stop to the off-topic posts in this thread? A discussion concerning a point in the story is fine, but the talk of report cards wasn't.

Jak
May 27th, 2008, 09:22 AM
Hi, I'm here. Fear me, or something.

Asty is going to -gasp- review my fic? An honor, it is. [/Yoda]

(I mean, Gold just strolls right into the house and stays the night, shares a bathroom, forces food down Silver's mouth. Silver the author hasn't explained how deep or how long the two boys have been friends, but there's something there.)

Oh, and to whoever knows me as telling every PreciousMetalShipper 'I love you', it's not PreciousMetalShipping that's 'there'.

That shows that she's pretty darn important to him, and Gold's statement just puts her on par with any other girl out there, when Silver sees her as something special.


I might go back an rewrite that part. At the time I wrote it, it seemed alright to use the 'fish' analogy...but then I remembered that was why my mom told me during my April 22-28 emo 'he left me' phase, and I know that that surely didn't help.

And may I also ask that there's a definite stop to the off-topic posts in this thread? A discussion concerning a point in the story is fine, but the talk of report cards wasn't.

...My bad. Dx

Now onto my main problem with this fic. There's a lack of emotion here. Everything seems to move so fast that it's kind of hard to see where Silver is coming from to go straight to suicide when Blue tells him that he's "just a brother". (Though I have to admit that I love that line.) I mean, give the readers more of how he feels. What are his thoughts?


I realized that after I posted it. During that April 22-28 thing, I did realize I was like Silver. Feeling all alone, no one wants me...yadda. I was afraid that a suicide attempt was going to be a little dramatic. I even asked a few people in my class if it was. One said 'yay!', but he's obssesed with death, so he doesn't count. The other said it seemed kinda odd, but that it was my story.

But I will agree, there should've been more of an elaboration. I'll try to go back and fix that when I can think of something good to put in it's place.

And...Gold's just an idiot. >.< But hey, I wouldn'tve known what to say at that point, either. I'm not the best advice giver on that kinda subject.

Thanks for reviewing, Astinus. -eats reviews- The more you know. xD

Espreon
May 27th, 2008, 01:18 PM
(Romeo/Juliet? I'm not seeing the similarities)


Well Romeo committed suicide when Juliet was supposedly dead; so I was using the fact Silver was driven to the point were he wanted to commit suicide as a reason I considered this a Romeo/Juliet type thing... only difference Blue is not being a Juliet...


And may I also ask that there's a definite stop to the off-topic posts in this thread? A discussion concerning a point in the story is fine, but the talk of report cards wasn't.

Sure, in fact that discussion died a long time ago and will stay dead.

Acrutheo
June 4th, 2008, 08:33 PM
As a reasonably slow reader that's currently bogged down in schoolwork, you'll have to forgive me for being only able to review one chapter at a time. This is of Chapter One:

---

slightly chicken scratch-cursive written
I get what you're trying to say, here, but it's written in a colloquial manner. Possibly a better wording would be "a cursive writing that resembled chicken scratches more than legible handwriting." You could also extend the idiom to the pokemon world, using "torchic" instead of "chicken".

Silver started to quicken his pace to where he was fast walking.
I felt this wording was a bit awkward. Possibly change "to where" to "to the point where"? I dunno, it's a reasonably hard concept to portray in its entirety with smooth wording. XD;

The limbs belonged to him...Green.
Excellent portrayal of envy. ^^

cerelean
Should be "cerulean".

Greens'
Should be "Green's".

he felt as if his heart had sunk and hid somewhere behind his liver.
I liked this. n_n

On the whole, a good, solid start. None of your errors left me in any doubt as to what you meant, but they do need to be addressed. One other thing I think you could improve on is the "show, don't tell" concept. I think you used a good mix of body language and explicit telling of emotion in the story to portray the feelings of the character, so my hat goes off to you for that. ^^

Jak
June 5th, 2008, 08:27 AM
On the whole, a good, solid start. None of your errors left me in any doubt as to what you meant, but they do need to be addressed. One other thing I think you could improve on is the "show, don't tell" concept. I think you used a good mix of body language and explicit telling of emotion in the story to portray the feelings of the character, so my hat goes off to you for that. ^^

Thanks. I have been working on my portayal of emtions, like Asty has pointed out, in my oneshot. That's one of its purposes. >.< That and I just wanted to write it cause the idea seemed good.

But, thank you. I'm taking all this advice and what I've learned through writing Face Down.

Jak
July 14th, 2008, 11:14 AM
Guess who's heeeerrrrre? :D

Sorry for the month long hiatus, guys! But really, I have to enjoy my summer, don't I? ;D So, after a long, long, long wait, I present to you...

Just A Brother

Chapter Seven: Come and Gone

Right now, I feel like the biggest loser. I lost the girl I love, my knife, and my life…well, almost. At this point, I have nothing left to lose. Absolutely nothing. It's as if every aspect of myself was drained from me and I’m now walking as a shell of my former self.

As the dramatic actions of Silver were taking place, Blue was safe in a room under the deck of the S.S. Aqua. She was using the computer to speak with Green.

“Did you get it yet?” Green asked on the screen.

“Yeah. Sorry I left it in your pocket!” Blue giggled as she slid a golden ring onto her left ring finger. She stared at the radiant diamond on the band and abruptly stopped her small laughter.

I wonder if he’s alright, she thought as she frowned at the ring, no longer paying attention to Green.

Green looked at her, a little confused by the sudden silence.

“Blue?”

“Huh?” Blue answered as she looked up from her daze.

“Something wrong?”

Blue glanced down at the floor and then quickly looked back up at the computer screen.

“Nah, I’m good!” she reassured him while putting on a fake smile.

“Okay, then,” Green replied, “I should be getting back to the gym. I’ll see you when you get back.”

The monitor lightly flashed white and then dimmed to black.

Blue still say at the desk, a little afraid to know how Silver reacted after she boarded the ship.

“Wigglytuff!” a big fluffy, pink Pokemon called as she waddled to her trainer.

“Hey, Wigglytuff,” Blue sighed.

“Wiggly?” the Pokemon said with one of its big ears drooping slightly. Wigglytuff continued to stare at her trainer with her big, aqua blue eyes.

Blue patted Wigglytuff’s head and gave her a small smile.

“I’ve just got to straighten out some things, Wigglytuff.”

“Wig?” she continued to pester, looking a bit confused still.

“There’s just something I should’ve given to Silver…”

“Tuff?”

“No, no! It’s nothing to fret over, sweetie! Don’t worry about it, really. Okay?”

Wigglytuff studied Blue’s face with her large eyes. Something just didn’t feel right.

Blue looked down at the desk where the computer was. Lying next to the keyboard was an envelope with ‘Silver’ written on the front in a nice, neat cursive writing. She picked up the envelope, her hands shaking a little bit. Wigglytuff still eyed Blue suspiciously, trying to figure out what the problem was.

Blue stared at the name written on the envelope, still worrying about her “brother”.

Silver, she thought, mesmerize, by the addressee’s name.

Suddenly, Blue felt a quick, sharp pain in her chest and threw the note to the floor in reaction.

“Sss!” she hissed while squinting in pain. “Gees!”

“Wiggly!” Wigglytuff yelped as she patted her trainer on the back.

“I’m fine, Wigglytuff,” she reassured the pink fluff ball as she knelt down to the floor the pick up the envelope.

And then it hit her.

“Oh dear,” she whispered shakily, “I really, really hope that wasn’t like…big sister senses or something.”

“Wigg…lytuff!” Wigglytuff shouted in excitement.

Blue looked at Wigglytuff and her eyes gave a shimmer.

“Hey, sweetie,” she said as she handed the envelope to Wigglytuff. “You can get this to Silver for me, right?”

“Tuff!!” Wigglytuff answered happily.

“Good!” Blue exclaimed with a smile.

Wigglytuff left the room and headed up to the deck so that she could make her journey, and Blue sat back down.

I hope that can clarify something, she thought as she looked out the window at the floating, pink balloon Pokemon in the gloomy sky.

Ninja Caterpie
July 14th, 2008, 06:12 PM
Weeeeee...
I just read all four pages of the thread in 15 minutes...And that was pretty darn awesome, including the report cards >:D

Anyways, I wonder what's in the letter... Hmm...
:)
This is going to be so damn awesome!!

Jak
July 14th, 2008, 06:21 PM
Either you're a really fast reader, or you skimmed it. ;O

Glad you enjoyed it. I actually hate this chapter, and chapter eight is...blah.

By the way, I do realize this chapter is short. T_T I edited it, but there was a lot more that I could've done. Expect some kind of super edit sometime this week.

txteclipse
July 14th, 2008, 08:31 PM
Short...*insert epic frowny*. I...crave...more...

Hmm. Envelopes. Wonder what Blue needs to say to Silver? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

And I'm also wondering how the fudge Wigglytuff is going to get the letter to Silver. Floating a la Super Smash Brothers? Using her ears as a helicopter? Rolling along the ocean while inflated? Commandeering the ship with weapons of mass cuteness?

darkcowboy
July 14th, 2008, 10:26 PM
Short...*insert epic frowny*. I...crave...more...? me too


And I'm also wondering how the fudge Wigglytuff is going to get the letter to Silver. Floating a la Super Smash Brothers? Using her ears as a helicopter? Rolling along the ocean while inflated? Commandeering the ship with weapons of mass cuteness?
In the manga, she does it SSB style. XP. Blue's Blastoise can fly too! XDDD I'll let you try to figure that one out on your own. XDDDDDDD

txteclipse
July 14th, 2008, 10:32 PM
Blue's Blastoise can fly too! XDDD I'll let you try to figure that one out on your own. XDDDDDDD

Retract into shell and use cannons as thrusters. If it's accomplished some other way, I would be astounded.

Ninja Caterpie
July 14th, 2008, 11:52 PM
If it's accomplished some other way, I would be astounded.

Maybe it... uses the cannons as wings...xDDDDDD
Truthfully, I think they'd use the most logical way.

Wigglytuff isn't called the "Balloon Pokemon" for no reason...

Jak
July 15th, 2008, 11:20 AM
And I'm also wondering how the fudge Wigglytuff is going to get the letter to Silver. Floating a la Super Smash Brothers? Using her ears as a helicopter? Rolling along the ocean while inflated? Commandeering the ship with weapons of mass cuteness?
Wigglytuff isn't called the "Balloon Pokemon" for no reason...

Dark lakitu beat me to it.

But yeah, it's a balloon for a reason. And in the manga, Blue uses Wigglytuff as her transportation since she's afraid of birds.

darkcowboy
July 15th, 2008, 02:11 PM
yesh. the SSB (Smash Bros.) way is the only way to do it... I would... no i wouldn't. i'm afraid of heights.

Espreon
July 16th, 2008, 01:09 PM
I wonder if he’s alright, she thought as she frowned at the ring, no longer paying attention to Green.

Good chapter... but "alright" is substandard; it is spelled " all right"...

bobandbill
July 16th, 2008, 05:40 PM
Not bad there - some views from Blue now, which is nice to see. I liked it - but it did feel rather on the short side. Started getting into it, and then... what, it's over already? Maybe something to consider there.

No other mistakes that I saw there, though. The intro with Silver though, followed quickly by the switch to Blue... well, just made it feel that Silver's thoughts there weren't quite necessary, especially as due to it I thought you'd move back to Silver, only you didn't. Minor though, but something I noticed. Maybe some more 'showing' description in places as well, but good emotion, and also you've patched up the punctuation in dialogue. Hurrah! Good work on that.

I lost the girl I love, my knife, and my life…
Wow, I didn't know that Silver was a poet or anything... ;)

Nice, short chapter overall, keep it up.

Jak
July 17th, 2008, 07:35 AM
and also you've patched up the punctuation in dialogue. Hurrah! Good work on that.


I did? :'D

Wow, I didn't know that Silver was a poet or anything...

To be honest, I just now realized that rhymed.

Apparently, I had meant to merge the original chapters seven and eight together since both were going to be so short, but I didn't. So I'll probably either end up adding stuff into chapter eight, or merge what is supposed to be nine in there...which would make it horrendously long. But we all know you guys would like that. ;D

Blue Angel
July 17th, 2008, 01:28 PM
I have finished reading Chapter 1 and 2, working on 3 as soon as I finish this post. So far I like the jealousy and romance and the pain, physical and emotional.

In Chapter 2, when Silver walks in to his house - there were a few suggestions I want to make.

As he came closer to his small, two-story brick house, he reached out his free hand and turned the knob.

You forgot the e.

The refridgerator door was wide open as Giovanni searched for ingredients to cook him and Silver a meal.

The last part is awkward. How about "...to cook dinner."
I know it's "normal" but to me, it sounds better.

My heart's bleeding even worse than this, father,...

Silver seems to disrespect his father, or be a somewhat rebellious teen. Most teenagers wouldn't call their dad, "father." Dad, yes. But in most cases teenagers don't give a "title" (which is like not giving them respect - and that seems to fit Silver's attitude).
So I advise you take out "father" (because it also takes away from the heartfelt/drama of his statement as well)

Jak
July 17th, 2008, 01:31 PM
Silver seems to disrespect his father, or be a somewhat rebellious teen. Most teenagers wouldn't call their dad, "father." Dad, yes. But in most cases teenagers don't give a "title" (which is like not giving them respect - and that seems to fit Silver's attitude).
So I advise you take out "father" (because it also takes away from the heartfelt/drama of his statement as well)

The father thing is kinda a conception I grew up with. Around here, 'father' is just a fancy way to say 'dad'. It isn't really a matter of respect where I'm from. Not my entire state, it's just a conception I've known from local matters.

Blue Angel
July 17th, 2008, 02:31 PM
Oh okay. I'm just used to "Dad", here :p
You responded quickly ;)

I read 3 and 4 and didn't see any big errors(or i forgot).
The gold, shiny things... I have some ideas, but I guess I have to keep reading to find out...
I really felt for Silver when he was bearing his heart to Blue.
The "no heart thing" made me smile as I imagined a pouting little boy talking to an adult ( I know, not what happened, but the look on the boy's face in my head was funny)

On to reading Chapter 5~!

Jak
July 17th, 2008, 04:50 PM
Thanks! :D

And yeah, I'm usually very quick to respond. xD I'm online most of the day. That and this fic just got an update the other day after a month hiatus, in which some people who joined during that time probably had no clue this story even existed. So, I need to keep tabs on this puppy.

Blue Angel
July 17th, 2008, 05:04 PM
Oh no... I copied what I was gonna say, but I copied something else over it :(

I've finished reading all your chapters so far BTW. In response to your comment, I did think Chapter 7 was short, but I wasn't gonna say anything, because I know from experience, it takes a lot longer to write than read, and each author has a length they like. It's funny, You said you had to keep tabs on everything, and I was keeping your story on a tab :) (waiting to post)

Well, I really loved the muffin-stuffin' and other humor.

The farewell from the ship(with Silver standing on the dock) could not have been more perfect. It was exactly as I imagined it. The description was just how I had hoped it would be.

The almost-death was unexpected(to me), but I should've figured.

My guess was that the shiny golden things were either rings of some sort (friendship/promise/marriage) or a gym badge. But since you had mentioned no in town gym, I highly doubted the latter. And obviously, since I read the rest, I figured out which.

I was surprised to see the immense guilt for Blue, but it was kind of nice :p
I am glad to see so many Pokemon able to fly :)
(I'm reading about 5 fics at once right now so sorry, can't think of anything else)

Jak
July 17th, 2008, 05:08 PM
(I'm reading about 5 fics at once right now so sorry, can't think of anything else)

Multi-tasking is tough stuff, so don't worry about it. :P

Well, I really loved the muffin-stuffin' and other humor.

Well, for those chapters, I decided to brighten up the mood a little bit before the dock scene. A bit simliar to the scene in Romeo and Juliet with "he shift a trencher, he scrape a trencher!" (if I quoted that correctly)

My guess was that the shiny golden things were either rings of some sort (friendship/promise/marriage) or a gym badge. But since you had mentioned no in town gym, I highly doubted the latter. And obviously, since I read the rest, I figured out which.


Most people caught on to that. (I assume. -shifty eyes-)

Thanks for reading! :D

Duncan McNeil
July 17th, 2008, 05:56 PM
Well, I've got to say that was pretty good. I was in a reviewing mood, so I sat down and read all seven chapters in one sitting. I wasn't disappointed, either. While so much of the story (and this truly is a story, rather than a fic. And yes, there is a difference.) is decent, the emotional aspect is where this steps up and shines. A very common problem with emotion (and fics in general) is that you feel like you're merely reading through it. But when you actually pull the reader in, make them root for the character or want to yell for the character not to do something, you know you've done something right.

However, there is also a downside to too much emotion. Emotion driven fics are fine, but you can run into problems without a substantial plot to back it up. I've yet to see anything like that yet, but it still is early and many romance fics get away with it. Still though, you can have too much of a good thing. Something to keep in mind.

Another thing I noticed, as I'm sure others have, is that so much is dialogue driven. Something I do myself often times, as it can help gloss over sticky bits of description. However, you still need good description to bolster that. Don't get me wrong; you have decent description. Like Luphinid said, though, it tends to read sometimes like a list of what happened. Flow is a word any writer should take to heart, as it truly will make (or break) a fic.

In general, to get good flow in a fic it should read well. Each sentence should flow into the next, and it should make it where it reads effortlessly. I probably don't need to describe this to you, especially as this isn't that large of a problem. It will easily be remedied with experience.

Speaking of experience, this is very good stuff for your second fic. Most writers take years, not to mention may different fics to get this far. Like I said before, your excellent use of emotion is what really carries the fic. There was never any murkiness in what the characters were feeling or doing, something I run into all too often.

Right now, I feel like the biggest loser. I lost the girl I love, my knife, and my life…well, almost. At this point, I have nothing left to lose. Absolutely nothing. It's as if every aspect of myself was drained from me and I’m now walking as a shell of my former self.

On a random note, I like how all the chapters seem to begin with a fragment of Silver's thoughts. Makes for a nice touch, I think.

One small bit of advice I have for you is to mix up the characters names with some description of them. I'e never read Special before, so when I read tons of Gold, Blue and Silver everywhere I sometimes have to pause and go "Huh?". Instead, it would be helpful to put "The brown haired teenager said" or something like that.

And like everyone else, your tantalizingly short chapter are no fun. XD Your chapters could easily be twice as long, so don't hesitate to combine a couple.

Anyway, I've got to say that overall I'm impressed. The overall quality of the fic is good, and I sure had a good time reading (and critiquing) it for you. Very nice job, I'll be sticking around. Just try to work on a couple (doesn't matter which. XD) of the things I mentioned and you'll have an excellent fic here. Nice job.

Jak
July 17th, 2008, 06:06 PM
Well, shankies. :D

But when you actually pull the reader in, make them root for the character or want to yell for the character not to do something, you know you've done something right.


That's something I've learned how to do when I wrote Face Down. The thing is, I already had this chapter written out. Egg on my face for not going back and fixing it, though.

And as for combining, I'm probably going to combine the planned chapter eight with chapter nine. Seven and eight were actually supposed to be merged, but I forgot when I started writing this again a few days ago. I'm either stretching eight, or merging it with nine(which will still make it eight. Ho hum.)

Thanks for reading! :D

Blue Angel
July 17th, 2008, 06:27 PM
Multi-tasking is my middle name! ;p
You are very welcome :) It is a good story. Honestly, a little lacking on the pokemon battling aspect, but it is nice to see - at the same time- that you aren't focusing, if that makes any sense...
I hope to read more soon(no rush, no pressure, no hurry)
I already started writing one of my own awhile ago, but it needs some plot tweaking.
I want you opinion on part of it but here is not the place for that ;p

Cyan Goggles
July 29th, 2008, 03:19 PM
Oh my God.

Seriously.

Best fic ever?

Very possibly.

The only thing I would say is give a little more back story. I mean, to me, it seems like there are even deeper things on Silver's mind, and Blue was just the first thing. He just seems... really, really troubled. :O I'd like to know why!

Either way, I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter!

Saltare.
July 29th, 2008, 03:44 PM
not bad....I like it ;) hope you continue!

Guillermo
July 30th, 2008, 05:25 PM
Well i have just finished reading all the chapters posted. And i must say i am impressed. It has a good plot and it sort of pulls you in. I am keen to find out what the letter says and i can't wait till the next chapter.

All the best
~ *Dark*Master

bubblewrap
September 2nd, 2008, 09:24 PM
Wow... that was an awesome seven chapters. I just read it all in one night and I loved it. Can't wait for what's in the letter, and other stuff. :D

Jak
June 3rd, 2009, 11:59 AM
Well, well, well. It's good to be back on the block again with the long-awaited chapter eight of Just a Brother. It's been almost a year, and I'm truly sorry for that, guys. I'm hoping you'll like this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it...last night. It should bring some laughs and should explain some questions you were left with in previous chapters. I'm hoping my loyal readers will be back, and I'm hoping new ones will arise. Here it is! Chapter eight~

And by the way, my own boyfriend said I write like a fifth grader. If you're going to read, at least give me your opinion of that. I don't want to write like a fifth grader, guys. You won't hurt my feelings.

Just a Brother

Chapter Eight: Invitation

I believe that I am a fool. Ack…no, no. NO. I have to clear my head. A good return home is all I need…just me and my best friend…if that doesn’t sound awkward. But I’ve got enough to deal with. I’ve got to write my valedictorian speech. Love can’t be on my agenda right now. Important matters are first.



…She’s so beautiful…

The disheartened boys arrived back at Silver’s house. The redheaded boy dug into his pocket for the key, sullen and unsocial. He slowly stuck the key in and turned it as Gold started to say: “You know, your house is really awesome!”, but in mid-sentence, Silver rammed his head into the door.

“Gold. I appreciate the effort,” he mumbled, without moving from his position, “but just don’t try.”

Gold stayed silent, merely nodding to acknowledge his friend’s request. Silver opened the door, greeted by a sudden rush of chill air. “Mmmf…” he uttered as the breeze graced his face. Gold followed in hastily and plopped onto the couch with a loud, tired sigh. Silver raised his brow at him and shook his head as he walked into the kitchen, picking up the note his father had left them earlier that morning. Wonder what he’s up to, he thought as he re-read it carefully.

“Gimme some foooood…” Gold groaned. “I’ve got the munchies!”

You can get it yourself,” Silver replied solemnly.

“Augh…it’s too far away and you’re closer to the fridge!”

“Tis no excuse for laziness, mon ami.”

“Tis no excuse for French, mahn amy!” Gold retorted, mimicking the French in a poor manner. Nevertheless, he popped off the couch like a Pop Tart and skulked into the kitchen, stretching his arms and knocking Silver in the head. Silver flinched and rolled his eyes, stepping away from his obnoxious friend. He walked into the living room and sat in a hunch on the fluffy couch, propping his chin on his hand. An occasional “there’s nothing in here!” emitted from the kitchen from Gold as he rummaged through the refrigerator, but the redhead ignored him.

After a while, Gold settled with “making a dang case-a-dill-a” as he put it. Silver let a small laugh escape him despite the mayhem from earlier, but his body quickly erected as he hushed his laughing.

“Ah!” he exclaimed suddenly, causing Gold to spew cheese from his mouth. Before he could ask what the matter was, Silver had already stormed up the stairs. Gold stared at the bottom of the stair case with wide, golden eyes.

“What’s your problem?” he asked rudely, even though Silver couldn’t hear him. A few moments later, Silver frantically stomped back down the stairs with a pen clenched between his teeth.

“Ay-ur!” the redhead uttered, nearly tearing up the kitchen as he searched through the drawers.

“Mayonnaise?!” Gold guessed, looking through the fridge like a wolverine.

“AY-URR!” Silver mumbled again, pulling a napkin out from the bottom cabinet.

“You gotta stop speaking French, man…”

Silver ignored him and ran back to the couch and spat out the pen, scratching it against the napkin and ripping it in the process. “Damn,” he cursed. “I had an idea for the speech…” As he got back up to get a new napkin, a knock came from the door. He let out an impatient groan and went to answer the door with Gold eagerly following like a dog. The teens were greeted by a blue-eyed, pink fluff ball with a letter. Silver stared apathetically at the balloon Pokemon, without a mere blink.

“This is Bl—uhhh…Azul’s…Wigg…ly…tuff…” Gold trailed off in his failed attempt to avoid using the ‘B-word.’

Wigglytuff held out the letter to Silver, however with no emotion; the face-staining frown on Silver’s face let her know he wasn’t too excited.

“This is for me?” he asked grimly, reaching for the paper hesitantly.

“Wig,” she replied, staring into his Silver optics innocently. He patted her on the head before she made her way. The envelope was nice—very formal—a lot better than what he had given Blue. His name was written in fine calligraphy on the front.

“…Do you want Explotaro to burn it?” Gold asked sheepishly.

Silver slowly shook his head, his eyes locked on the letter. He took his index finger and gingerly ripped the sealing, half anxious, yet half curious. His heart was pounding so heavily he thought his rib cage was going to break and his lungs were going to burst. The seal was now broken and he hesistantly took the letter from its haven with loose fingertips. It was small, semi-sturdy, and backwards. He turned it over to read the content, but as he read it, the pain from earlier took its vengeance, this time at tenfold.

You are cordially invited to the
Wedding of
Miss Blue
to
Mister Green
on
May Eleventh Two-Thousand Eight
at
One O’Clock PM
at
Three Island

Silver froze, the invitation falling from his loose grip. Gold snatched it before it could touch the ground, trying not to gasp as he read the words.

“Hey,” he started, but the redhead wordlessly trudged upstairs. For once, Gold stayed quiet and didn’t attempt to lighten the mood.

RorschachsVictim
June 3rd, 2009, 02:22 PM
Wow, I'm not usually a big fan of fanfics, but yours is pretty awesome! Your boyfriend's a jerk if he says you're a 5th grade writer!

Jak
June 3rd, 2009, 02:43 PM
Wow, I'm not usually a big fan of fanfics, but yours is pretty awesome! Your boyfriend's a jerk if he says you're a 5th grade writer!

Wow, thanks! He actually apologised for what he said, but I'll let him in on that one for sure! I hope you keep reading. ^_^

RubyJB88
June 3rd, 2009, 07:18 PM
What a wonderful story! I'm very happy that you include humor into this fully emotional story from Silver's point of view. Otherwise it would be tear-jerking no, just sad to see what Silver does.

I was looking at the early pages and there was talk of report cards, which I know we can't talk here but on PM. I was actually touched by that too, because I had the same experiences as you have. Enough of that though, it should be discussed somewhere else...-_-

Keep up the good work. btw...I knew it was a ring, so why was everyone else having dirty thoughts about it? And the Drifloon?? Gold has me laughing to no end.

Side-comment: You could elaborate on the invitation letter, like include "Sevii Islands" and/or the name of Three Island, "Kin Island". Also, what's with the year? If Gold and Silver are 17, then shouldn't it be 2006 (assuming they are both 11 in 2000)? I won't discuss anything else since everyone has already talked about them. No need to repeat.

txteclipse
June 3rd, 2009, 09:44 PM
Yeah, you're not writing at a fifth grade level. Maybe he said that because it's a pokémon fic? Which is of course ridiculous, but I'm sure we all know how that goes with this fandom.

One thing I've noticed that's slightly disorienting is Silver's transition from suicidal tendencies to...non-suicidal tendencies. The guy would really need to see a psychiatrist to recover from something like that, I'd think. Otherwise, I'm still enjoying this.

Just try to update this a bit more often, 'kay? Said the hypocrite.

bobandbill
June 3rd, 2009, 11:31 PM
You're too slow!

Good to see you've returned again.

Chapter was short, but good there - the bit at the end was depressingly hilarious, I suppose one can put it. Poor Silver. The message there was quite good, given what it said and all in the circumstances. XD

I'd say that you can stand to expand it a bit... again, chapters do feel kinda annoyingly short like so, but it's your choice, I suppose. But giving some more attention onto describing events and emotion so forth (which is quite good when used so some more of that would be nice. Of course, there's the danger of going overboard...)

Sometimes a bit of a change-up in sentence structure would help as well...
Gold stayed silent, merely nodding to acknowledge his friend’s request. Silver opened the door, greeted by a sudden rush of chill air. “Mmmf…” he uttered as the breeze graced his face. Gold followed in hastily and plopped onto the couch with a loud, tired sigh. Silver raised his brow at him and shook his head as he walked into the kitchen, picking up the note his father had left them earlier that morning. Wonder what he’s up to, he thought as he re-read it carefully.Here, I noticed there was a tendency for sentences to start 'Person did this, person said that, person did that'... a fair bit - some more variety in how sentences start would mix it up a bit and eliminate a slight repetitive feel.

A good return home is all I need…just me and my best friend…if that doesn’t sound awkward.'good return home' sounds a bit awkward to me, somehow... feel it could be worded better leastways. =/
“Gimme some foooood…” Gold groaned. “I’ve got the munchies!”

"You can get it yourself,” Silver replied solemnly.Bolded quotation mark was missing.
An occasional “there’s nothing in here!” emitted from the kitchen from Gold as he rummaged through the refrigerator, but the redhead ignored him.Don't feel that is really necessary as you've established beforehand that it is Gold in the kitchen and saying this - saying 'it came from the kitchen from Gold' sounds a touch too much exposition on the point.

And... if Gold has the munchies... has he been taking drugs? XD
After a while, Gold settled with “making a dang case-a-dill-a” as he put it.What, may I ask, is a 'dang case-a-dill-a' exactly? XD

Certainly though, you write better than a fifth grader. XD Now, writer faster that one! ;) Nah, we all have our breaks. At any rate, keep it up!

Jak
June 4th, 2009, 06:13 AM
Side-comment: You could elaborate on the invitation letter, like include "Sevii Islands" and/or the name of Three Island, "Kin Island". Also, what's with the year? If Gold and Silver are 17, then shouldn't it be 2006 (assuming they are both 11 in 2000)? I won't discuss anything else since everyone has already talked about them. No need to repeat.

I had so much trouble in writing the invitation and thinking of the year. I ended up going with the year the fic was written, which...I suppose wasn't the brightest idea at this point because now it seems like the fic has its own canon. And the place I wrote this, I had no access to a computer to check the name of the island, nor did I have an example of a wedding invitation. My sister had to help me with that part.

One thing I've noticed that's slightly disorienting is Silver's transition from suicidal tendencies to...non-suicidal tendencies. The guy would really need to see a psychiatrist to recover from something like that, I'd think. Otherwise, I'm still enjoying this.

I knew someone would bring that up. Now, the thing in that, when I was re reading it (the paper one) I decided that he didn't need to perk so easily, but I should have still included him wearing a fake smile or something. But you also have to consider that being with Gold...it's hard to wear a frown. That's more of the effect I went for.

What, may I ask, is a 'dang case-a-dill-a' exactly? XD

Watch the movie Napoleon Dynamite. I've had little hidden stuff like that throughout the story. ;D

But anyway, thanks to all you guys for reading! I tried to reply to all of you...think I succeeded...but yeah. Thanks for being loyal and patient for a year, bobandbill and txteclipse. I actually will be gone all next week for a mission trip, but once I get back, I'll be starting on chapter nine, if not tomorrow. One thing about chapter nine is that I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen...we've seen that there's a wedding and Giovanni's still busy with his matters. Hmm...I wonder...

RubyJB88
June 4th, 2009, 02:19 PM
I had so much trouble in writing the invitation and thinking of the year. I ended up going with the year the fic was written, which...I suppose wasn't the brightest idea at this point because now it seems like the fic has its own canon. And the place I wrote this, I had no access to a computer to check the name of the island, nor did I have an example of a wedding invitation.

I already started thinking of this story as an AU as soon as it began with the school they're attending, then Giovanni as Mr. Mom. And as for wedding invitations, I've seen a couple recently since I'm attending one this summer. They have details like exactly where it is taking place. Just saying "Three Island" could be quite vague for the average Viridian commoner who may have never heard of the Sevii Islands properly. Are Blue's parents from Three Island?

Jak
June 4th, 2009, 02:40 PM
I already started thinking of this story as an AU as soon as it began with the school they're attending, then Giovanni as Mr. Mom. And as for wedding invitations, I've seen a couple recently since I'm attending one this summer. They have details like exactly where it is taking place. Just saying "Three Island" could be quite vague for the average Viridian commoner who may have never heard of the Sevii Islands properly. Are Blue's parents from Three Island?

True, true. I just haven't seen any wedding invitations...and perhaps asking my younger sister wasn't the brightest idea. xD And I did try to consider where Blue's parents lived, but...I couldn't remember...I think I'm actually going to look into that and change the location. I seriously do need to find out where they live because I think it's a good idea to have their wedding out in her parents [assumingly] lovely backyard.

Ru-Kun
June 4th, 2009, 02:53 PM
Yay a new chapter! This was amazing keep it up! Gold was quite funny. I liked how he said Azul that one time. i never expected Blue and Green to get married!

Jak
June 5th, 2009, 12:13 PM
Yay a new chapter! This was amazing keep it up! Gold was quite funny. I liked how he said Azul that one time. i never expected Blue and Green to get married!

Ahaha, thanks. You didn't expect that? I thought it was easy to follow when there were rings involved. :P But okay then. Guess that makes this story more of a mystery for you. glad you enjoyed it.

Ru-Kun
June 5th, 2009, 12:44 PM
Ahaha, thanks. You didn't expect that? I thought it was easy to follow when there were rings involved. :P But okay then. Guess that makes this story more of a mystery for you. glad you enjoyed it.

Well I guess I forgot about that since I hadn't re-read this since you last year

But would they get married so soon? I mean in this tough economic time XD

RubyJB88
June 5th, 2009, 02:03 PM
And I did try to consider where Blue's parents lived, but...I couldn't remember...I think I'm actually going to look into that and change the location.

If it is Three Island, then it could work very well for the story, since "kin" is all about family, etc.

Ninja Caterpie
June 5th, 2009, 02:54 PM
Hnnhh...It's back again? gee, even ninja's are slow

I liked it...although it was a bit short.

But, uhm, nice.

And your boyfriend's a prick.

Jak
June 5th, 2009, 09:31 PM
Wow, I'm not usually a big fan of fanfics, but yours is pretty awesome! Your boyfriend's a jerk if he says you're a 5th grade writer!

I love you too, Scottye.

I liked it...although it was a bit short.

But, uhm, nice.

And your boyfriends a prick.

Thanks. He thinks he is, too.

Clover Cat
June 7th, 2009, 02:07 PM
I know, I know, I've known about this fic for a while but I never bothered to read it. Call me lazy.:P Now that I have...OMG, this fic is AMAZING. XD I don't really have much to add in a review, other than to keep up the good work! ^^

KurlyFries
June 8th, 2009, 11:29 AM
First good Fic I've read in a while.

Silver has it so bad..

I think he had every right to spontaneously combust after reading the wedding invitation.

.. and that's the most meaningful post I can come up with. :\

MichaelaTheUchiha
February 11th, 2010, 07:21 AM
This is really bloody awesome. I must admit I'm not a huge fan of BuexGreen nor BluexSilver. More of a fan of YellowxRed myself, but this is really good.

Trust me, you do not write like a fifth grader. Smack your boyfriend over the head for me? Thanks.

Amore
March 13th, 2010, 10:55 AM
Yeah, this is a good story.

I liked all the references to different ships.And how Silver seems to notice the (pathetic fallacy is it???) with the weather being affected by his emotions.

One question.With the weather thing, does that mean that you're going to reveal Silver is a Dragonair that learned Transform?(Dragonair change weather with their aura, after all)



was Gold saying "there's plenty more fish in the sea" meanta be an analogy for...stuff we're not allowed to say on PC??(body part)

Astinus
March 13th, 2010, 08:17 PM
Seriously, no bumping threads over a month old. It's fully explained in the rules.

Thread's closed.