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Lollypop
March 21st, 2008, 11:18 PM
Chapter 1 A Late Beggining![/I]

"Max!Max! Time to wake up. Its your tenth birthday today!It means you finally get a Pokemon from professer Lavender." Exclaimed Max's Mum.
" Alright........I know. I'm going to choose..........uhhhh Munchlax!" Shouted Max.

"Knock Knock." "Oh it must be James. He already went to professer Lavenders place.
Uhhh I think he got a Munchlax." Said Max's Father While Going to fetch the morning News.
" WHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTT!!! I wanted a Munchlax Now what." Shouted Max. " Well...
You better get going or else there will be none left." Suggested Max's mum. But he was already out of sight.

Chapter 2 None Left?!

"Huff Huff Huff Huff. I think I made it. Professer Lavender! I've come to get a Pokemon. Hello? Anyone there?" Asked Max. " Sorry. All the pokemon were taken by trainers Way earlier than you. But I can give you a pokedex, Some pokeballs and a Zigzagoon for borrow."
"Huh.Oh Professer Lavender. Well.... Thanks anyway." Said Max.

" Whoa A eevee! Go Zigzagoon use tackle! Wham!! Pokeball GO!!....... Yay I caught a EEVEE!!" Shouted Max. Back at the lab.... "Thanks Professer Lavender! Due to the fact you lended me a Zigzagoon I caught a eevee!" Said Max. " Well since everything went Fine I shall now hand you the familly
Jewel called the Pika Jewel. It is said to have mystery Powers and the Famous Burgler team Pika have tried to steal it multiple times. Now I wan't you to Keep it and while your on your journey try to protect it and Solve The MYSTERY." Said Professer Lavender.

bobandbill
March 22nd, 2008, 01:32 AM
Normally, it's not a good sign when the first two chapters together make up less than half a page.

Even less so when you proceed to use the normal cliches that occur in either joke fics, or Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu fics, such as the old 'the guy woke up later and his Pokemon was already taken!' one, and the fact that he gets an Eevee. With one Pokeball, and miminal effort. Riiigghht.

And the whole 'family jewel' thing... well, why would the professor give a family jewel to a random kid? So it CAN get stolen from him?

The grammer and punctuation seems to be missing as well - and it seems you don't have much of an idea on how to deal with dialogue 'rules'... either this IS a joke fic (which IMO isn't that funny), or one that hasn't had the most planning done with it.
If you want to write a fanfic, have a look at some around here, and try to think your fic through more throughly. Description, decent realistic events, and more substance in it, sot he chapters aren't two or three short paragraphs each.

Sydian
March 22nd, 2008, 08:23 AM
Chapter 1 A Late Beggining![/i]

"Max!Max! Time to wake up. Its your tenth birthday today!It means you finally get a Pokemon from professer Lavender." Exclaimed Max's Mum.
" Alright........I know. I'm going to choose..........uhhhh Munchlax!" Shouted Max.

Beginning is spelled wrong.

And seperatate new sentences:

"Max! Max! Time to wake up. It's your tenth birthday today! It means...."

Exclaimed does not need to be capitalized, and also...you don't need all those periods. You only need three, but for a long pause...just put that there was a pause and finish the sentence.

"Knock Knock." "Oh it must be James. He already went to professer Lavenders place.
Uhhh I think he got a Munchlax." Said Max's Father While Going to fetch the morning News.
" WHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTT!!! I wanted a Munchlax Now what." Shouted Max. " Well...
You better get going or else there will be none left." Suggested Max's mum. But he was already out of sight.

No, no, dahling. Knock knock...we don't put that in quotations.

And...the bold words do not need to be capitalized.

Chapter 2 None Left?!

"Huff Huff Huff Huff. I think I made it. Professer Lavender! I've come to get a Pokemon. Hello? Anyone there?" Asked Max. " Sorry. All the pokemon were taken by trainers Way earlier than you. But I can give you a pokedex, Some pokeballs and a Zigzagoon for borrow."
"Huh.Oh Professer Lavender. Well.... Thanks anyway." Said Max.

'Huff huff huff huff' does not need to be in quotes, either. More so like:

"I think I made it. Professor Lavender!", Max panted(or huffed, in your case) "I've come to get a Pokemon! ..."

" Whoa A eevee! Go Zigzagoon use tackle! Wham!! Pokeball GO!!....... Yay I caught a EEVEE!!" Shouted Max.

AN Eevee, not 'a' Eevee.

Also, posting two chapters in the first post...erm. That's not right, especially like what bobandbill said, if they're not even half a page. That's sad. This needs a lot of work.

Sorry if this is harsh...but...well, you need work my friend. At least most of this is good spelling. I'll be sure to check in now and again.

Astinus
March 22nd, 2008, 12:25 PM
Thirteen lines does not two chapters make. Your chapters really need more to them. Heck, I don't know why you separated the first two, since it pretty much covers the entire event of Max catching a Pokemon.

You know, there's such a lack of description in this fic that I don't even know where the story takes place. What's the name of the town or the region?

I don't even get the whole Pika Jewel thing. Why would a professor hand off this rare and magical jewel to some ten-year-old kid and tell him to solve the MYSTERY of the Jewel when there is no MYSTERY mentioned by the professor. What is Max solving, and why?

And let me not get started on the typical "trainer wakes up late, doesn't get any regular Pokemon, so he gets super-special Eevee for a starter". And like I said, I don't even know where this fic takes place, so I don't know if Eevee are really common wild Pokemon in the region or not.

This fanfic is just kinda shoddy, with bad grammar, spelling (which tells me that you didn't run it through a spell-checker), short length, and a lot of confusion. Slow down, think your fic through, and take your time writing. Use a word processor, use spell-check, add some more description of what's going on and why.

This thread is closed for not meeting the standards of the section.