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~Night
March 22nd, 2008, 07:54 PM
Rose
Chapter 1
The Egg

Rose Thomason was the daughter of two of the most skilled pokemon trainers ever: Fred Thomason, a previous pokemon league champion, and Shelly Thomason, the current pokemon league champion. The Thomasons were very rich and lived in a giant mansion in a place called Eevee Island.

Eevee Island was and island with only Eevees and its evolutions that was off the coast of New Moon Island. The other neighboring island was called Egg Island.
Egg Island was where most wild pokemon layed their eggs. Pokemon from all over the Sinnoh region would go there to lay their eggs in peace with no humans to worry about.



“Mom! I’m finally ten years old!” Rose Thomason, a girl with redish brown hair and blue-green eyes said. “Will you take me to Sandgem Town to get my first pokemon?”

“Sorry, Sweetie, but I’ve got to head to head to Sunnyshore City to sign autographs. All the other Pokemon League members will be there and I don’t want to be left out.” Mrs. Thomason threw out her Staraptor, jumped aboard, and flew away.

“Dad, can you take me to Sandgem Town?” asked Rose, but she knew what the answer was going to be.

“Go catch yourself your pokemon, I don’t have time to take you half across the country just to get a pokemon.” Mr. Thomason picked up his Pokemon Times newspaper and started reading. “Besides,” he continued, “All girls want to be coordinaters, and no one cares about pokemon who only can make beautiful things when you can easily do that on the computer.”

“But Mom’s isn’t a coordinater.”

“That’s because she had some sense knocked into her head when she was a kid, now go away,” he growled, “or I might have my Luxray shock you into sense.”
Rose rushed outside. Why didn’t her parents ever care. No wonder no one lived on Eevee Island. Her parents were always so grumpy. Rose decided to go and find a friend who wouldn’t just turn their back on her. Eevee Island was really big, so it took a while to get to the edge. She got out her banoculars and looked through them. There were two small islands. Then, she trecked on towards the other side of Eevee Island. There was another island, but this one she could easily swim to.

When Rose got to the island, she looked down and saw that there were footprints on the ground. Not human ones, though. She followed some and got to an extremely tall tree. On the tree there were some very odd looking fruits. They all were purple with blotches of green. Rose’s stomach growled and she realized how hungry she was. Rose figured that if she shook the tree long enough, then one of the odd looking fruits would fall down and she could have her breakfast.
After a few shakes, one of the fruits fell, but just as it was about to touch the ground, a few vines came out of no where and caught it. The fruit hooked back onto the tree and Rose was left without a breakfast. Suddenly, the vines that had retreived the fruit grabbed Rose. The vines wrapped around Rose’s entire body and she couldn’t move at all. The only thing was wasn’t covered was her eyes. Rose waited and waited for someone to come and save her, but no one did. Instead a pack of pokemon appeared.

A few small, green pokemon with giant green bulbs on their backs came first, then the same pokemon except the bulb had opened and a flower bud was there, and finally ones with flowers instead of buds.
The pokemon seemed to be talking among themselves. Then, the biggest one shot purple gas out of it’s flower and Rose drifted to sleep.

Rose woke up to find all of the pokemon gone. How was she supposed to get out when she could hardly move. At least at home she could move. Then, a brown rat pokemon with giant teeth came. Oh, no! What was it going to do?
“Raticate!” it cried. Rose realized that it probably wanted her to get out of its territory. She tried to make the vines loose, but they were just to tight. The Raticate hurtled itself towards Rose with it’s teeth wide opened ready to bite, when it was tackled by a pokemon. The bird pokemon was now battling the Raticate, ready to tackle it again. After the bird on the fight, it said, “Chatot!” and cut the vines to set Rose free.

Then, the Chatot dropped a multicolored egg that it had been carrying and flew away. The Chatot seemed to have said, ‘Here, you’ll need this.’ Rose picked up the egg and it hatched into a baby Chatot. It flew onto Rose’s shoulder, probably thinking that she was its mom, and didn’t show any sign of being scared or angry.

Sydian
March 23rd, 2008, 05:54 AM
It's overall good spelling, and I'm not the best at grammar...I'll leave that to Jax Malcolm.

Anyway...add more description is what I can tell you, and space out your paragraphs.



“Sorry, Sweetie, but I’ve got to head to head to Sunnyshore City to sign autographs. All the other Pokemon League members will be there and I don’t want to be left out.” Mrs. Thomason threw out her Staraptor, jumped aboard, and flew away.

Ok, try to describe Staraptor. Maybe some of us don't know what it looks like...?


“That’s because she had some sense knocked into her head when she was a kid, now go away,” he growled, “or I might have my Luxray shock you into sense.”[quote]

Lord have mercy! What a rude father!!


[quote]When Rose got to the island, she looked down and saw that there were footprints on the ground. Not human ones, though. She followed some and got to an extremely tall tree. On the tree there were some very odd looking fruits. They all were purple with blotches of green. Rose’s stomach growled and she realized how hungry she was. Rose figured that if she shook the tree long enough, then one of the odd looking fruits would fall down and she could have her breakfast.
After a few shakes, one of the fruits fell, but just as it was about to touch the ground, a few vines came out of no where and caught it. The fruit hooked back onto the tree and Rose was left without a breakfast. Suddenly, the vines that had retreived the fruit grabbed Rose. The vines wrapped around Rose’s entire body and she couldn’t move at all. The only thing was wasn’t covered was her eyes. Rose waited and waited for someone to come and save her, but no one did. Instead a pack of pokemon appeared.

Try spcaing this out. Just hit enter twice when the subject changes, even the slightest. It's easier on everyone's eyes.

Then, the Chatot dropped a multicolored egg that it had been carrying and flew away. The Chatot seemed to have said, ‘Here, you’ll need this.’ Rose picked up the egg and it hatched into a baby Chatot. It flew onto Rose’s shoulder, probably thinking that she was its mom, and didn’t show any sign of being scared or angry.

Alright, describe the hatching of the egg.

~Night
March 23rd, 2008, 08:37 AM
[quote]“That’s because she had some sense knocked into her head when she was a kid, now go away,” he growled, “or I might have my Luxray shock you into sense.”[quote]

Lord have mercy! What a rude father!!





Don't even ask me where i get my ideas.

~!~Miss Cow~!~

Sydian
March 23rd, 2008, 09:20 AM
^Wasn't going to. I actually like the concept so far(I had to leave when I made my last post, so I didn't get to say that...)

Anyway, I just think you should work on the description some more.

BREAKINGBEN
March 23rd, 2008, 04:42 PM
The views of this fanfic are kind of... well, out there. There isn't really any background information about how the father lost his Champion spot, or how the mother won it, or even how they met in the first place! (Yes, its kind of obvious, but I like in-depth stories XD).

As for the girl's storyline, it kind of ended quickly. There was no explanation about how or why some things happened (minimal dramatic build up to the Chatot rescue) and the story seemed to end... plain, if you know what I mean. There was no emotion feeling to it.

Over all I'd have to say 2/5. Needs more explanation, background info and a longer/more complete plot line.

~Night
March 23rd, 2008, 07:18 PM
The views of this fanfic are kind of... well, out there. There isn't really any background information about how the father lost his Champion spot, or how the mother won it, or even how they met in the first place! (Yes, its kind of obvious, but I like in-depth stories XD).

As for the girl's storyline, it kind of ended quickly. There was no explanation about how or why some things happened (minimal dramatic build up to the Chatot rescue) and the story seemed to end... plain, if you know what I mean. There was no emotion feeling to it.

Over all I'd have to say 2/5. Needs more explanation, background info and a longer/more complete plot line.

I'll try to work on that.

^Wasn't going to. I actually like the concept so far(I had to leave when I made my last post, so I didn't get to say that...)

Anyway, I just think you should work on the description some more.

Thanks and I'll try to work on descriptions.

~!~Miss Cow~!~