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stacal
March 23rd, 2008, 11:16 PM
This is a story set in the past where some pokemon preffered to learn martial arts to fight. The first chapter isn't exciting but it will get more exciting as the story progresses.

Chapter 1 Pikachu's problem

Pikachu ran over to its trainer, Thomas Eason. Thomas caught Pikachu and held it in his arms. The Pikachu looked around, Pikachu was at the Pokemon martial arts school. The school had twelve rooms in it. Each one for different martial arts. Pikachu and Thomas were in room ten, the room for ninjitsu.

The room was a traditional Japanese one. It was oddly shaped as a traingle. There were dow

JX Valentine
March 24th, 2008, 04:36 AM
There were dow

Oh dear. Honey, don't type your story in the post new thread box. Do so in a word processor (like Word or Works) so you don't have to break off like this when you run out of time.

That said, I just don't feel compelled by what you do have up. The narration feels like it stops and starts like a badly tuned car going uphill. What I mean is that you've told your story in short, simple sentences with as little visual description and emotion as possible. I don't know what Thomas looks like, I don't know what the school looks like (apart from it having twelve rooms for several different types of martial arts -- which is quite unusual for a dojo, especially since not all types of martial arts are even Japanese), and I certainly can't imagine what Pikachu is feeling when he looks around.

I'd say you'll need to add something here. Maybe start off with a visual description to grab the reader. Set up the stage so we can see it, and you definitely want to set a mood of some sort, rather than launch into a factual description. Facts (such as how many rooms there are in the school and what room Thomas and Pikachu were in) really don't pull in the reader because it just feels like you're a pamphlet advertising for the school.

Other than that, just a few minor quirks in punctuation, but overall, could be better. Sorry.

Astinus
March 24th, 2008, 01:10 PM
o.0 Where's the story?

As Jax said, don't write your story in the Reply Box. Because this is so short, it's spammy. I'm going to have to close this. You may repost when you actually have a full chapter to post.