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~Red
March 24th, 2008, 05:45 AM
~Region Crossroads Part One~

Chapter One ~ The Will and The Note
It was early morning when the sun set over Vermillion. Jacob opened his baggy eyes and peeped at the crack in the curtain. The orange light hit his face and he winced. He slowly lifted from his bed and got dressed. He walked downstairs and noticed his Mum crying on the Telephone. I slowly walked to her as she put the phone down. She wiped a tear from her sad green eyes. "Ash'as dye d'off aheartat tack", she said it so fast Jacob couldnt make it out. "Sorry?" He said.
"Ash...has died...sob...of a hear...heart attack...sob...", she could barely talk through the tears. It took an hour and a half to stop his Mum from crying. When she stopped she prepared breakfast in silence. Jacob watched her and wondered why she was so wound up. Jacob knew he had a great grandfather called Ash, he never really saw him though, he knew it might be sad for family member to go, but this was different, his Mum doesnt usually cry like this.
He bucked up the courage to speak, "so...its my birthday today." She didnt say anything she just kept preparing her food. "I get a Pokemon today...Mum? Aren't you going to say anything?" She seemed to not be listening.
After breakfast, Jacob went to his room to pack for the journey ahead. He put in some clothes, toothbrush and toothpaste, a couple of Pokeballs his Dad sent through the post and some money for buying food.
When he went downstairs again with his backpack ready, his Mum stopped him from leaving. She looked into his eyes and said, "Good luck." She wandered over to the kitchen table and brought a package over. "Sorry it's not wrapped, it is what you wanted isnt it dear?" Jacob opened the brown package and inside was a PokeTouch, the brand new touchscreen PokeGear complete with phone, map card and radio card installed. Also at the bottom of the brown bag was a small blue Police Ball. "There was no other way of getting him in a Pokeball." His mother said. He threw the Police ball and it exploded in a flourish. A Pikachu stood where the remains of the ball was.
"It was in Ash's will that you had his prize possession, Pikachu." His Mum kissed his cheek and gave a watery smile as the tears filled her eyes again.

~ ~ ~

Jacob sat on a hillside by Vermillion Bay, he had been watching the boats go by. Pikachu sat beside him, a determined look on his small yellow face. So many questions was what went through Jacob's mind. He then realised that Pikachu was poking him with his tail. "Hey!" Jacob said, "cut it out!" Pikachu pointed at a rock on the beach. "You wanna play on the beach?" Pikachu shook his head and continued to point at the rock. Then Jacob realised what he was pointing at, a cave in the cliffside.
Pikachu then ran down the hill so fast Jacob didnt have time to catch up. He broke into a sprint and followed Pikachu to the cave. He walked into the cave looking at the roof as if worried it would fall on him.
There, on a rock Pikachu was sitting on was a peice of brown paper. Jacob lifted it and read aloud: "Dear Jacob, if you are reading this now then you will know im dead and gone. Please do not worry about me because im in a better place now. How is Pikachu? I hope he's ok. Now, I want you to meet my friends in the Pokemon Fan Club opposite Haare's House. They will tell you what to do. All the best to you on your journey, Ash."
Jacob replaced the letter where it had been and Pikachu looked at him. Jacob realised Pikachu was crying...



So what do you think? I'm making it like Episodes so Chapter two will be tomorro.

BREAKINGBEN
March 24th, 2008, 06:04 AM
I thought that was pretty good, no spelling or grammar mistakes... that I could see xD.

The story line is pretty unique, Ash dying and giving away his prized Pikachu to a family member. This fanfic has a LOT of potential and I am waiting to see what will happen next :D.

I would say a 4/5 (I want to see how this will play out).

~Red
March 24th, 2008, 07:31 AM
I thought that was pretty good, no spelling or grammar mistakes... that I could see xD.

The story line is pretty unique, Ash dying and giving away his prized Pikachu to a family member. This fanfic has a LOT of potential and I am waiting to see what will happen next :D.

I would say a 4/5 (I want to see how this will play out).

Thanks! I'll give a small spoiler which is the name of the second Chapter:
Chapter Two ~ Red, Blue, Yellow...what?

~Red
March 25th, 2008, 12:18 AM
Chapter Two ~ Red, Blue, Yellow...what?
Derek looked at Red. "Isn't he coming?" Derek asked. "Ash said he would come" replied Red, "he may not of found the note yet".
"Yeah, Ash was stupid so he may have had stupid offspring" yelled Gary, he then started roaring with laughter. "QUIET!!" shouted Yellow in Gary's face. Blue smirked. "You remind me of someone Gary..."
"Oh, maybe yourself Blue?" said Green. "SHUT UP!! All of you!" Everyone looked at the door. Gold and Crystal walked in. Crystal pulled her coat closer to herself. "Abit chilly" she said. Gold looked at Red. "Old as ever my friend" he said to Red.
"Hahaha, I can still remember when we met in Mount Silver Gold, i can't be that old and batty" answered Red. Gold and Red had a brief hug. Blue smirked again. Crystal looked around, "where are we?" she asked.
"Vermillion Fan Club, why?" answered Yellow. She then went over to the coffee machine and asked Gold and Crystal, "Latte, Mocca or Cappuchino?"
"Latte"-"Mocca" Gold and Crystal said at the same time. "Where's Silver the little pikey?" asked Gary. "Didn't i tell you? He's joined Team Galactic..." There was brief gasps from everyone. "Oh my god!! That banana!! He owed me £300" shouted Green

~ ~ ~

Jacob walked past the Vermillion Mart glancing at the shop window. He was nervous, he'd never known so many Oldies around each other after all, Ash died at 60 years old so his friends will be around that age limit. Jacob slowly approached the Fan Club building. He hesitated then knocked on the wooden door. No answer. He knocked again, then he heard noises from the inside like muffled talking. The door swung open and there stood a middle-aged man wearing a Gold coat and a Black vest. He wore a Gold cap similar to Jacob's and goggles. "You must be Jakey boy" said the man putting out a hand. Jacob shook it suspitiously. "Come in, come in" The man ushered him in. "I'm Gold by the way" he said as Jacob walked through the door.
"This is Red" Gold said pointing at a man that looked alot like Ash, "Gary" he pointed at a man wearing a blue top and brown spikey hair, "Blue" Blue looked alot like Gary only he was more mysterious looking, "Yellow and Green" he pointed at two young ladies, one was wearing a cowboy hat and had a whip, the other had long brown hair and a white cap.
"Lastly, my wife, Crystal" Gold pointed at a middle-aged woman who had crystal coloured hair with two pigtales, she looked very thin and wore a white coat. "Now we're introduced, introduce yourself?" said Red. "I'm Jacob" Jacob simply said in awe and amazement.


Chapter 3 tomorrow!!

BREAKINGBEN
March 25th, 2008, 05:03 AM
Hmm, a lot of Dialogue in this one. (I was confused by all of the characters O.o). I could only spot a few problems...
"Where's Silver the little pikey?"

"Where's Silver? The little pikey..." -I personally think this looks and flows better, no big deal

"Didn't i tell you? (Capitalize the I).

I do have one question about this chapter though (aside from why it was so short..),
"Didn't i tell you? He's joined Team Galactic..." Who was supposed to be talking there, Gary or someone else?

Well, overall this wasn't as good as the first chapter. There was a lack in detail and it was mainly dialogue, the story hardly moved on at all! Adding all of those characters was a bit sudden and might cause the reader some confusion as to who was talking where.
I was hoping for a reason of WHY Jacob went to the Fanclub in the first place, besides Ash telling him to. It would have been more suspenseful if you would have ended with "Now you know why we all gathered here, don't you lad?" or something like that.

I give this chapter a 2.7/5 because I was expecting more and got less. Add some length and detail into chapter 3! I'll be waiting >.<.

mhart54
March 25th, 2008, 05:04 AM
This fanfic has a lot of potential, the spelling is good and so is the grammar 4.5/5

~Red
March 26th, 2008, 09:55 AM
Chapter 3 ~ Derek's Disaster

It was a dark winters night across the fields that surrounded Pallet Town. Not a sound could be heard except the odd hoot from a Hoothoot. The grass swayed in the breeze. Derek looked around himself. It was quite eery and quiet and he felt very alone. He felt the wind catch his ears and pulled his cloak closer to himself. His father was supposed to meet him here. Derek glanced at his watch. Red would probably be breaking the startling news to Jacob by now. Too bad Derek had to leave early.
Suddenley, a muffled voice sounded from far off. Derek got up with his hand ready at his PokeBall belt. He looked around and saw nothing in the pitch black expanse around him. Then, he heard it again, it sounded like a Male voice, shouting commands at someone. Derek walked forward slightly and went on tip-toes to see if he could find the source. He felt as if someone was watching him. All of a sudden a metal crowbar came crashing to his head, and he lay motionless on the ground...

~ ~ ~

"So...Jacob" said Red, "Ash wanted you to furfill a quest that he wished he would have completed in his time, he wants you to travel the world."
Jacob stared at him. "What?!" he blurted out. Blue smirked and tripped over Gary. Gary aimed a blow at his head, he missed and hit a flowerpot instead. "BEHAVE YOU TWO!! You're like a married couple..." shouted Gold. Blue left the room smiling, Gary just pulled a face like a two-year-old would if they had just got told off and sulked in the corner. "Ash wants you to travel the world. The whole world. Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Shinoh, Rijon, Naljo, Crion, Sulon...the list goes on" Red said. Jacob thought for a moment. "why me?" he asked.
"Do you know who Ash is??" Red answered back.
"My great grandfather" Jacob said simply.
"Hahahahaha!! He knows nothing" smirked Gary, "Ash has been champion of the Elite Four many times...he's traveled to all the local regions."
"So why wait for me to finish the job" said Jacob.
"Because you are his youngest decendant..." said Red. Red then ushered Jacob into a back room and showed him a map of all the regions Ash wished Jacob to go to. "Here's your S.S.Ticket and a few other-" Red was cut off my an outburst in the main room. He ran in to find Brock shouting about how his son Derek was in Hospital...

~Red
March 28th, 2008, 04:45 AM
Chapter 4 ~ S.S.Anne

Over the next couple of months, Derek stayed in Hospital to rest. He never awoke for too long, the doctors said he need rest. Brock was distraught!! So was May, Derek's mother. Jacob popped in every now and again, he felt it right to even though he didnt know Derek. It was coming to Spring and the S.S.Anne would be leaving Vermillion soon. There wasnt another word about the journey that Jacob had to face. One evening, around 7 o clock, Red, Gold and Brock were gathered with Jacob in an old deserted Warehouse near Diglett's Cave. They had lit a small fire inside the fireplace and Gold and Brock were playing pokemon cards. "I win again haha!" shouted Brock in delight.
"Only because you have Mewtwo, geez..." retorted Gold. Red stared into the fire aparently making his mind up about something. "Hey, Brock" Red said suddenley, "how's Misty doing?"
"Just fine at the moment, I know she and Ash were very close but she's holding up" Brock replied. "What about her daughter, Marianne?" asked Red.
"Good, good" answered Brock, "why do you ask?"
"Well, I just think someone needs to accompany Jacob on his journey, you all had help" said Red.
"You didnt..." Gold muttered.
"Yes but i had Rival's far greater than Jacob, i had something to beat. Jacob is going to need alot of help to get him on track."
"So what are you saying?" said Brock.
"We need someone his age to help him along..." replied Red, "does Marianne have any children?"
"One, Rosetta" said Brock. Brock cleared up the table and packed his cards away. Gold copied and came and sat by Red on a deck chair. "How old is she?" asked Red.
"13" replied Brock. Jacob never had many friends, he was used to it though. He was home tutored and only ever went outside into the garden or to the shops. "Perfect, hey Brock, call Misty on your PokeCell." said Red.

~ ~ ~

"Quick!! S.S.Anne leaves in 10 minutes!!" shouted a distraught mother to her child. She rushed on baord as hundreds of people climbed on with her. Jacob was already aboard and had found a nice cosy cabin. He waved out the window at his mother, Red and Misty. Misty was a fine looking girl for her age, long ginger hair with a blue summers dress (apart from the fact it was tipping down with rain, she seemed to enjoy it!!)
As the ferry departed, Rosetta knocked on the door and walked in. She was a young, pretty little girl who wore similar to misty only she had short blonde hair. "Hello" she said...

BREAKINGBEN
March 28th, 2008, 07:04 AM
Pretty good. except that I think your chapters are a bit... too short. There is a few grammatical mistakes in there as well (what program are you using to type this?).

All in all it's coming in good. I still think that you have too many characters mentioned at once, sloooowwww it dooowwnnn. Also, Brock & May?!??? o.O Who would've guessed?

~Red
March 29th, 2008, 02:13 AM
Pretty good. except that I think your chapters are a bit... too short. There is a few grammatical mistakes in there as well (what program are you using to type this?).

All in all it's coming in good. I still think that you have too many characters mentioned at once, sloooowwww it dooowwnnn. Also, Brock & May?!??? o.O Who would've guessed?

lol ;)

There's tons of surprises along the way. I'm sorry i introduced too many characters at the beginning but they all fit into the story somewhere (remember this is only Part One)