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SkittyLover77
March 29th, 2008, 09:53 AM
Not my first fanfic, so it should be OK. I dunno, you decide. ^_^

Chapter 1: The Journey Begins

Footsteps sounded outside of Prof. Oak's lab. Suddenly the door burst open, revealing an exhausted teenager, who appeared to be about twelve years old. She had pink-colored jeans with patches litering the cloth. A jigglypuff-themed t-shirt hugged her upper female body. Her brunette-colored hair was frazzled,and her sea-blue eyes shone with exitement, even though she was panting heavily. She had a pink bag with her. There was a jigglypuff keychain hanging off of it, along with several identical ones hanging in other places on the bag.

"Professer Oak!" She called, out of breath. "I'm here!"

"Ah, yes! You finally came, Sarah." A voice came from the back of the laboratory. "I was starting to get worried."

A few moments later, a man emerged from the back of the room. He was slightly short, appearing to be in his late fifty's. His tanish-brown skin was wrinkly and his short gray hair was scraggly. "You have come to get your starter Poke'mon?"

Sarah nodded, all exhaustion forgotten. My first Poke'mon! She thought exitedly. She already knew which one she was going to pick.

Prof. Oak gave a serious nod. "Very well. Come." He motioned Sarah to follow him. At the end of the large lab, was a table with three round, red and white capsules. Pokeballs!!

The old man picked up the three spheres, pressing a button on each one. A bright, red light erupted from the capsules, shapes forming out of them. A split second later, three small Poke'mon stood.

One was a small, orange lizard with a tan underbelly. A flame on the tip of it's long tail burned ravenously, and it's bright blue eyes shone with curiousity. A Charmander!

The next was a small, blue turtle with a brown shell. A large, fluffy tail was planted on it's rear end. Chestnut brown eyes widened in awe at the new stranger. A Squirtle!

The last was a small, green dinosaur with dark navy spots litered all over it's body. A lagre green bulb was implanted on it's back, along with a short stub of a tail in the back. Big red eyes blinked in reconization of the laboratory. A Bulbasaur!

"Now, Sarah." Professor Oak boomed. "What is your choice?"

To be continued.

You like?

BREAKINGBEN
March 29th, 2008, 10:02 AM
Eh, it's a bit too short. I think you could have added more information (I.e.-background, prologue, Sarah's trip TO the Lab) and still could have had a good ending for your readers. If you make your chapters longer and more in-depth (The description was good, you got that. You just need a bit more... ACTION) then I think this will be a decent fic.

On a side note... I'm surprised that you had the opposite problem of most people writing a fic, less action but great description o.O.

Dixie Kong
March 29th, 2008, 10:34 AM
Oh. Nice description. But this is pretty short. Try putting some length into it.

And like BREAKINGBEN said, this is odd to find the opposite problems.

But this will be a decent fic. I look foward to reading more from you.

.Eevee-Chan
March 29th, 2008, 12:11 PM
The discription is great,just needs to be a little longer and it will be great.

Good Luck!

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
March 30th, 2008, 12:43 AM
You've got a pretty good start here, but there are a couple things:

First up is grammar and related things. I make grammar corrections and put them in bold.
revealing an exhausted teenager, who appeared to be about twelve years old.
It's usually understood that "teenager" refers to those between ages 13 and 19.

with patches littering the cloth.

"Professer Oak!" she called, out of breath. "I'm here!"

"Ah, yes! You finally came, Sarah," a voice came from the back of the laboratory.
There used to be a post explaining how you handle punctuation, capitalization, and quotations, but I can't find it right now and I can't link to my explanation of it since it's on another forum:/ The rules are too complex for me to explain in a review, but you can PM me and I'll send you the grammar rules regarding quotations.

appearing to be in his late fifties.

My first Poke'mon! she thought excitedly.
In MS Word, press Control and ' and then "e" for the accented é. Otherwise, just type "Pokemon" without the accent, as it looks funny with the random ' in the middle.

A flame on the tip of its long tail burned ravenously, and its bright blue eyes
A large, fluffy tail was planted on its rear end.
with dark navy spots littered all over it's body. A large green bulb was implanted on its back,

blinked upon recognizing the laboratory.
As far as I know "recognization" isn't an actual word...

"Now, Sarah," Professor Oak boomed.

As far as the rest of the chapter, it is a bit on the short side and you have the basic "get Pokemon from professor" starting that many journey fics have. Not necessarily a bad thing this early on, but you will want to make sure you add in some twists and turns of your own. make sure yours doesn't exactly follow the plot of the games. Maybe add in some unique challenges. Perhaps give Sarah some personality quirk that makes her Pokemon journey stand out from the rest. On that topic, make sure you give your main character (that includes Pokemon!) distinct, unique personalities so that we can better get to know who they are, why they're training, and what their strengths and weaknesses are.

Your descriptions are pretty good, however, and this shows a lot of promise. If you take what I said on board, I think I can be looking forward to reading this!

DP479

SkittyLover77
March 30th, 2008, 08:55 AM
Thank you everyone for your reviews, I'll try to make it longer. ^_^
And, IJWLover08, please don't post bits of MY story o_O
Well, anyways...

Chapter 2: My first Pokemon!

I stared in awe at the three small creatures. She was certain about her choice when she was running to the lab, but now she was not so sure. All three Pokemon stared back, equally awed.

First, I looked at the green dinosaur Pokemon, Bulbsaur. I imaged myself traveling with my Bulbasaur, watching it evolve into an Ivysaur, who was identical to Bulbasaur but had a half-grown flower on its back instead, and then a Venusaur, a bigger version of Ivysaur with a fully-grown flower on its back. Somehow, the thought didn't appeal to me much

I turned my head to the tiny turtle Pokemon, Squirtle, who was not even looking at me. Not many thoughts struck me about the small turtle. I thought all of its evolutions, Wartortle and Blastoise, looked horrendus, therefore I refused to even consider Squirtle as a choice.

Suddenly, as if the tiny turtle could read my thoughts, it whipped its head around at me, teary eyed, and started sobbing. "::You don't like me!::" It cried.

I gasped. I had learned Pokespeech not too long ago, so I understood the Squirtle. Not knowing what exactly to do, I picked the tiny Squirtle up and began to pet its head. "Er, it's okay Squirtle..just calm down, it'll be fine.."

Almost immedietly, the Squirtle stopped crying. It looked up at me with its big, brown eyes and smiled happily. "::You do like me!::"

I blinked. "Uh, yeah, I do..if you put it that way..." Thoughts came rushing into my head. If I put Squirtle down and took Charmander instead, which was my original choice, the Squirtle would start crying again, and I would feel guilty every time I looked at my Charmander. But Squirtle wasn't the best Pokemon to use in battle, as many Pokemon trainers kept grass or electric types on their team...but I didn't care at this point. I had to put all my selfish training feelings aside.

"Prof. Oak." I said strongly, turning to the aged proffesor. "I choose Squirtle as my starting Pokemon."

He looked at me with his serious-proffesor look. "Very well." He replied, recalling the other two Pokemon into their Pokeballs. "But before you go on your journey, you will need some very important ite--"

He was interrupted by my new starter Pokemon. Jumping out of my arms and landing ungracefully on the hard lab floor, he started to hop around gleefully. "::Yay! Yay! You do like me! I get to go on a journey! Finally!::"

Playfully, I snatched him up from the floor. "You won't be going on any journey unless you let the proffesor speak!" I told it, amusement showing in my voice.

Smiling, Prof. Oak continued his sentence. "You will need some very important items." I followed him to another smaller desk in the corner or the lab. He opened a small drawer, grabbing some items from it, then turned to me. Five minimized pokeballs lay in his hand. "Pokeballs. You will need them to catch other Pokemon." One other Pokeball was cupped in his other hand. "This is Squirtle's pokeball."

Blinking in awe at the small capsules, I stuffed them into my bag, including Squirtle's pokeball, which had a small raindrop sticker on the top.

Following him to yet another desk in the corner of the room, I glanced at my Squirtle. His eyes shone with exitement and glee. He must have been rejected by a bunch of other trainers as a starter..including me at first.. I thought. Poor Squirtle..

Halting at another desk in yet another corner, I noticed a shiny, red box thing on the table.
Suddenly I remembered the name of the item. A Pokedex!

"You will need one of these," Prof. Oak said, turning to me with the shiny box in his hand. "A Pokedex."

I took the Pokedex and put it in my pocket. "Is that all I need?"

He nodded.

"Okay." I said, walking toward the entrance. "Thanks for everything!" my casual walk broke into a run as I burst out the door and through the entrance of Pallet Town.

~~~~~~~~~~

Stopping about twenty yards away from the exit, I sat down on the ground, placing Squirtle on my lap.

"So.." I said to my Squirtle while looking around at the open. "What should I name you? Any suggestions?"

"::I dunno, really. I guess you can call me what my mother called me." Squirtle replied. "::Splash::"

I shrugged. "Okay."

I remembered my Pokedex was in my pocket. I took it out and opened it. There were three sections. One was titled "Known Moves". Curiously, I tapped the box with my finger. It took a minute to load until the screen lit up with "Squirtle's Known Moves: Tackle and Tail Whip"

Tackle and Tail Whip I thought Not bad.

I pressed the Back button and identified the other three boxes. "Pokemon Seen", "Pokemon in the Area", and "Kanto Map" I pressed, "Pokemon in the Area" A moment later, two images appeared on the screen.

The first image was a tan and brown feathered bird Pokemon. At the bottom of the image the name was shown in big blue letters: Pidgey. Uninterested, I turned my attention to the second image. A purple rat with a tan underbelly was shown there, and in the big blue letters at the bottom was "Rattata" I made a face. All the Pokemon available here are either scraggly pigeons or dirty rats. Not worth catching, but definately worth training on.

I stood up, putting Squirtle on the ground. "It's time for some serious training."

Astinus
March 30th, 2008, 02:27 PM
Your double post has been deleted, along with that spam message from that other member.

Just at glancing at your chapter, why did you suddenly start writing in first-person? The first chapter is written in third-person, but the second chapter is first-person. Just pick one and stick with it to avoid confusing your readers.

Dixie Kong
March 30th, 2008, 03:54 PM
Ah. Review time by yours truly, Silver. :D

I imaged myself traveling with my Bulbasaur, watching it evolve into an Ivysaur, who was identical to Bulbasaur but had a half-grown flower on its back instead, and then a Venusaur, a bigger version of Ivysaur with a fully-grown flower on its back. Somehow, the thought didn't appeal to me much.

Period at the end. Basic sentence structure, dahlin'.

"::I dunno, really. I guess you can call me what my mother called me.::" Squirtle replied. "::Splash::"

If you're gonna use the colons for Splash, then end it with colons.

Anyway, it's flowing nicely. But like Astinus has mentioned above, the change to 1st person is a little weird. Stick with one of them.

SkittyLover77
March 30th, 2008, 08:09 PM
Just at glancing at your chapter, why did you suddenly start writing in first-person? The first chapter is written in third-person, but the second chapter is first-person. Just pick one and stick with it to avoid confusing your readers.


The first chapter was kind of a description chapter. That's why it was third person. Don't worry, first person will be used in all of my chapters from now on. ^_^;

And Silver, thank you for the review. I'll edit all of my posts once I get this chapter up.

Now, then, back to the story.

Chapter 3: Road to Viridian City

I looked around for Pokemon to battle. Splash was concentrating on listening for any sounds that might be a Pokemon.

After about a minute, we gave up. "Come on, Splash. Let's go further. Maybe we'll find a Pokemon the--"

Suddenly, a purple blur erupted from the bushes. It skidded to a halt when it saw us. It was a Rattata!

I pulled up my Pokedex. It wasn't long before it identified the purple rat. I listened to the computerized voice speak.
Rattata, the Mouse Pokemon. Its fangs are long and very sharp. They use their speed to escape from hungry predators.

The Rattata stood frozen, probably thinking about the best direction to run.

I wasn't going to let that happen. "Splash, tackle it!" Exitement surged though me. My first battle command!

Swiftly reacting to my command, Splash shot over to the small rat, ramming it and bowling it over. The rat gave a wail of pain and bit down on Splash's tail. "::YYEEOWCH!::" Splash screeched. I was about to yell a command again, but rage gave Splash all the directions he needed. With an enraged, "Squiiiirtle!!" he rammed, full force, into the Rattata, sending it skidding a few inches away. With a moan, the purple rat body went limp.

"Yes!" I cried. "Nice job, Splash!"

He turned to me, smiling proudly at his first win.

Suddenly, my Pokedex lit up. Suprised, I looked at the glowing red box. There, in big purple letters, it said, "Squirtle learned Bubble!"

Corresponding with my Pokedex, Splash let out a stream of small bubbles. Hmm...Not the best move ever, but it'll do against the first Gym Leader...I thought.

"::Yay! I learned a move! I learned a move!::" Splash cheered, jumping up and down.

I grinned. "Nce job, Splash!" I complimented. "Your first battle went great!"

Splash grinned. "::Those Rattata's had better watch out!::" He punched the air in a boxing fasion.

I laughed and picked him up from the ground. "Let's get to Viridian City or else you'll be boxing Rattata's for the rest of your life!" We laughed and made jokes all the way to Viridian City.

~~~~~~~~~~

"We're here!"

Stepping out of the grassy area, I glanced at a sign to my left. "Welcome to Viridian City!" it said. I looked at the small town in amazement. It was the first time I had ever been out of Pallet Town. The majority of the houses were painted forest green, along with a Pokemon Center and a PokeMart.

One particular building caught my eye. Was that....a Pokemon Gym? Painted gray with big red letters spelling out, "Pokemon Gym"? It was! We were probably much to weak to face it now, but it was a Pokemon Gym!

Splash noticed it too. "::Hey, what's that big gray building over there?::" he asked, turning to me in confusion.

I didn't take my eyes off of the Gym. "It's a Pokemon Gym." I explained. "Super strong trainers go in those."

Splash looked back at the gray building. "::So...we'll need a lot more training to go in, right?::"

I nodded. "Yeah. But, all in good time." I tore my gaze from the big building. "So, let's explore."

I walked towards the small red building, hoping to heal Splash. He had a big red scar on his tail where the Rattata had bit him, and it was starting to get puffy. Walking through the sliding doors of the Pokemon Center, I headed towards the big desk.

"Excuse me, ma'am," I said to the Pokemon Nurse at the counter. "Could you heal my Squirtle?"

"Certainly." the woman said with forced kindness. "I'll have your Pokemon healed in no time."

I nodded. "Thank you." I turned away from the desk and seated myself on a couch. A boy next to me saw me and just stared. I rolled my eyes, as this was not new for me. "Get lost," I snapped irritably.

Within five minutes, another nurse called me to the counter, Splash in her arms. "Your Squirtle is all better now."

"Okay, thanks." I took Splash back, noticing the x-shaped bandage on his tail. I walked out of the Pokemon Center, now heading north, towards the gym. Breaking into a run, I could see the gym getting closer as my footsteps pounded the earth below.

"Hey! Just where do ya think yer' goin', lass?"

I halted and faced the person who had confronted me, an old man. "Well, I was going to check out the Pokemon Gy--"

"Well, ya won't have much luck. The gym leader's out. Besides, you won't have much luck with that puny thing!" He laughed, referring to Splash.

Offended, Splash pulled himself up from my arms. "::I'll show you puny, you pruny old--::"

"That's enough!" I said sterly, claping my hand over Splash's mouth. I bowed in apology. "I'm sorry. Thanks for letting me know." I walked quickly away from the old man, who was staring blankly after us. "Respect your elders!" I said to Splash as I released my hand from his mouth.

"::There's an exception if they call me puny!::" he pouted.

"No there isn't. Besides, you are puny. It's just fact."

"::Am not.::"

Suddenly I stopped. A sign was planted in the ground right in front of me. In big red letters, it read, "Viridian Forest ahead."

Me and Splash grinned. At the same time, we exclaimed, "New training area!"

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
April 1st, 2008, 10:55 AM
Starting off with grammar again - my format is the same as before.

Chapter 2:
"Er, it's okay, Squirtle... just calm down, it'll be fine...
An ellipsis is three dots, not two.

"Prof. Oak," I said strongly, turning to the aged professor.

with his serious-professor look. "Very well," he replied,

"Okay," I said, walking toward the entrance. "Thanks for everything!" My casual walk broke into a run

"Squirtle's Known Moves: Tackle and Tail Whip."

Tackle and Tail Whip, I thought. Not bad.

and "Kanto Map." I pressed, "Pokemon in the Area." A moment later,

Chapter 3:
Its fangs are long and very sharp.

but it'll do against the first Gym Leader... I thought.
Needed third dot for ellipsis.

"::Hey, what's that big gray building over there?::" he asked, turning to me in confusion.

"Excuse me, ma'am," I said to the Pokemon Nurse at the counter. "Could you heal my Squirtle?"

"Certainly," the woman said with forced kindness.

"Get lost," I said.

I bowed in apology.

"::There's an exception if they call me puny!::" he pouted.

A lot of these errors involve punctuation - aside from a few mistake that are obviously typos, your spelling is pretty good. And I PROMISE I'll get a link to that grammar/punctuation advice for you so you can see it.

Things seem to be moving a bit quickly here... by chapter 3 she's already on the other side of Viridian. Granted, there's not much to do in that area, but may I suggest including some random conversation between trainer and Pokemon? Not only will it give you something to add to the chapter to make it seem like something's going on, it will also help to develop your characters and allow the reader to get a better feel for who they are.

I must say that the Squirtle handled the wild Rattata with relative ease... Now, it is just against a wild rodent, but for the more serious battles, make sure it's not one-hit-and-you-win. Try not to make the battles one-sided, just to give a feeling of suspense and uncertainty as to whether your character can pull of the win. And keep in mind that sometimes she won't pull off the win.

"And you grew to level six!
Many writers agree that inserting levels and such isn't a good thing in Pokemon fanfiction, as it seems too technical and "game-like."

Okay, so it may seem like I've said a lot of negatives, but overall you've got a good piece of work going. The interactions that you do have between Sarah and Splash are interesting and amusing, and I find myself wanting to find out when the big twist in the plot is going to take place.

One more suggestion: Try to space out the time between new chapters... usually one to two weeks works best, as that gives you time to go over your work and proofread before submitting it. It also helps reviewers who can't respond immediately so they don't get too far behind.

Good luck on the next chapter!

SkittyLover77
April 13th, 2008, 02:42 PM
Many writers agree that inserting levels and such isn't a good thing in Pokemon fanfiction, as it seems too technical and "game-like."
Yeah. =/ I kind of thought I'd have to take that part out. Thanks for that.

Okay, so it may seem like I've said a lot of negatives, but overall you've got a good piece of work going. The interactions that you do have between Sarah and Splash are interesting and amusing, and I find myself wanting to find out when the big twist in the plot is going to take place.
No, it's completely OK. All the negatives mean is that I need to do some work. I also try to make Sarah and Splash's conversations as interesting. And don't you worry, the plot twists are closer than you think. o3o

Thanks for the review! ^_^ Now for Chapter Four..

Chapter Four: The Creepy, Crawly, Viridian Forest

Me and Splash gawked at the sign with the blaring, red letters.

It was Splash who broke the silence. "::I didn't know there was a forest up ahead! I thought it was just going to be another boring route!::"

I didn't take my gaze off of the sign. "Me neither..." I whispered in awe. Suddenly I felt a jolt in my legs, as if they were ready to spring into action. "Well, what are we doing here!?" I exclaimed. "Let's check it out!"

Exitement buzzed in my head like a swarm of Beedrill. All I could hear was my feet pounding the ground relentlessly as I raced through brush and bracken. Splash looked just as exited, his eyes shining like starlight. I could feel him trembling with exitement.

Finally, I halted, out of breath. What I saw ahead of me was truly amazing. There were trees as far as the eyes can see, and every bush was rustling with Pokemon just waiting to be caught. There were a few trainers scattered about in the brush-littered clearing, looking for Pokemon.

"Wow..." I breathed.

"::Wow!::" Splash echoed.

I sat down against a large elm tree trunk. Suddenly, I remembered my Pokedex. I didn't hesitate to pull out the shining red box from my bag and touch the box, "Pokemon in the Area." The screen lit up with four small, crammed boxes. I touched the first box.

The image of a caterpillar popped up, taking up almost all of the screen. It was a green bug with a tan underbelly. There was a red "V" shaped antenna on its forehead. Its most noticable feature was its big, black, round eyes. The text read in small blue letters: "Caterpie"

Meh. I pressed the back button and studied the rest of the Pokemon listed.

The next one was a ragged shaped, green cocoon Pokemon with small black eyes. This time, the blue text read: "Metapod." However, there was smaller text below that. Squinting with effort, I read the miniscule writing: "Evolves from Caterpie." Blinking, I went to the next box.

The next image was of a tiny, light-brown bug. Its eyes were small and black and the body was divided into many round sections. A large, white horn on the top of its head caught my attention. "Weedle." Read the text at the bottom.

After that, a light brown image filled the screen. It was a cocoon, like Metapod, but this one had a more smooth figure; round at the top, then forming a point at the end. The text said, "Kakuna." I didn't bother to read the smaller text at the bottom, which I figured read, "Evolves from Weedle."

I slammed my Pokedex shut, utterly disapointed. Bug Pokemon won't do my any good at all! I thought, frustrated. But I'm sure I can train on them. I stood up, shaking away my disapointment. "Come on, Splash." I said. "Let's find a trainer or something to battle." All he did was nod sympatheticly. He must have sensed my feelings--as he did when I first saw him in Prof. Oak's lab.

We hadn't walked longer than five minutes before we found a trainer. He was wearing a plain blue t-shirt and baggy yellow shorts, along with a blue and white cap. I walked over to the youngster, and, boy, did he cut to the chase.

"Hey!" He shouted when we got in earshot. "Wanna BATTLE!?"

I backed up a pace, my ears ringing. "Err, sure." I stammered, kind of freaked out. Were all of the trainers this over-enthusiastic? I sure hoped not.

I whispered to Splash. "Are you up for it?"

Splash leaped out of my arms. "::Are you kidding? I need to run the itch out of my shell!::"

I smirked and nodded at the trainer. "Yeah. We're ready."

A huge grin stretched on the youngster's face. "Okay!" He plucked a Pokeball from his belt. He pitched it straight up into the sky. "Go, Charmander!"

The red-and-white sphere shot out a beam of red light, which took form of the trainer's orange lizard.

"Char chaaar!" It cried out, not using Pokespeech, but rather just giving an enthusiastic battle cry.

My muscles tensed with mixed emotions. Splash had the advantage, being a water type, but I could see the Charmander's muscles rippling under its scaly, orange skin. Therefore, Bubble wouldn't do much damage, even though it had the advantage. And so my first attack command would, of course, have to be...

"Tackle!" I shouted. Splash obeyed without a word, charging toward the Charmander speedily.

The Charmander was thrown off guard by Splash's speed and was knocked off of its feet by Splash's blow. The Charmander, however, got up quickly and was on its feet in a moment's time.

"Scratch, Charmander!" The trainer yelled to his Pokemon. The Charmander, rather than running, leaped over to Splash, landing on top of him and slashing him wildly with its long claws. Splash, taken by suprise, let out a terrified wail.

Fear struck me like a bolt of lightning. Suddenly I thought of an idea. "Splash, use Bubble to escape!" Using Bubble at a such a close range to a fire type would do a considerable amount of damage, plus it would offer Splash an escape.

Splash, taking a deep breath, shot out a stream of large, wet bubbles, which struck the orange lizard right in the face. The Charmander gave a pain-filled cry before leaping off of Splash and skidding back to its trainer. Splash, with a heave of effort, got to its feet.

Both Pokemon were panting and out of breath. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. Will Splash make it?

The other trainer took the opportunity to attack again. "Tackle it!" He cried. The Charmander, who had gathered himself now, begun to charge toward Splash. Splash, who was still out of breath, was unprepared for the attack and was knocked onto the ground. Then, I saw an attack opportunity for myself. "Roll over onto your shell, then smack him with your tail!"

Splash didn't hesitate. Splash flipped over onto his big, brown shell, forcing the Charmander onto the ground. Then, just as the Charmander was getting on his feet, he heaved himself up and swung his tail at the Charmander, again hitting it in the face. "Chaaaar!" It cried as it was sent backwards, landing back to where his trainer was standing.

Uh oh. Splash was almost done for. He was breathing heavily, and he could barely stand up. The Charmander looked equally as bad. There was only one way to end this battle.

"Splash, Tackle!!"

"Charmander, Tackle!!"

I watched in suspense as the two Pokemon shot towards eachother wth the little strength they had left. Oh god, Splash. Be careful!

Wham! The two Pokemon collided painfully. Both Pokemon were sent flying backwards to their trainers. When it was over, I looked down at Splash. My blood went cold as I looked down at a fainted Splash. I jerked my head to look at his opponent. The Charmander was laying unmoving on the ground. The battle had ended in a tie!

The trainer was staring ruefully at his Charmander. I broke my attention from him and directed it to Splash. I felt a cold sense of dread welling up inside. We were far from a Pokemon Center, and I had forgotten to buy any healing items at the Viridian City Pokemart. Frustration and fear for Splash made my heart pound. My first real battle and Splash ended up seriously hurt... I thought as I looked at the red clawmarks all over Splash's body. What kind of trainer a I? I could feel my eyes filling with tears just waiting to fall. Splash, who had picked up on my feelings yet again, opened his eyes slightly to see what was going on.

The other trainer broke the dreadful silence. "Here." He tossed two items to me. One was easy to identify; a potion. The next item was a small, yellow, diamond-shaped tablet. A...revive? I thought in shock. I suddenly relaxed the tension everywhere in my body. Splash was going to be ok!

"T-thank you.." I stammered.

"No problem." The trainer grinned. "I kind of figured by your expression you needed some healing items."

Amusement at my own nervousness, along with embarrasment welled up inside of me. I can't believe I let another trainer see me acting like such a baby! A smile spread on my face. "Yeah. You saved me a lot of trouble--and a lot of tissue!" We both cracked up laughing.

My expression turned serious. I need to treat Splash! I picked hi up and gently sprayed the potion onto all of Splash's wounds. Splash gritted his teeth in pain. "::It stings!::"

"I know, but it makes your wounds go away, so they don't get infected." I replied.

As Splash's wounds began to fade, he lowered his eyelids, his eyes half open. "::That's better.::"

I smiled. "Now, eat this." I gave him the revive. He ate it without protest. Moments later, his eyes flew open. He leaped out of my arms. "::I feel great!::"

I grinned big and looked at the trainer and his Charmander, who had been treated also and was on his feet. We both stood up and shook hands. "Thanks for everything. That was a great battle!" I said to him.

"Don't mention it." He replied good-naturedly. "You had some nice strategy going there. I would have never thought of using a weak move to escape!"

Splash and the Charmander also shook hands. "::You did amazingly!::" The Charmander said, using Pokescpeech for the first time. "::I like how you threw me of my turning over onto your shell then using your tail to strike!::"

Splash grinned. "::Thanks. I like how you jumped to land a hit. That took me by suprise!::"

After we had finished complimenting eachother, we went out separate ways, waving to one another.

"::Soo...what now?::" Splash said as he walked beside me.

"I dunno." I replied. "We've got a long way to go, though. This forest is like a maze."

"::Are you going to catch anymore Pokemon? Anytime soon?::"

I turned to him, curious. "Why?"

Splash looked at the ground. "::Well, i'm getting kind of lonely. But really, none of these Pokemon are worth even battling, so I don't care much.::"

I felt a twinge of guilt. "Oh."

"::No, no. It's not a problem for me. I'm just saying.::"

"I know. But, you know, I could use another Pokemon."

"::I don't care if you don't catch anything here. I don't like bug Pokemon.::"

"Me neither."

"::I mean personally, I really like fire-types.::"

"Yeah. Me too. But fire-types are really rare. There are barely few to begin with."

"::Maybe we'll find one at the next town we hit.::" He predicted hopefully.

"Yeah." I sighed. "I hope so."
~~~~~~~~~~

"::We're almost there!::"

We had been walking for a while. We were not far from the exit. Bored, I recalled the Caterpie we had seen earlier.

"Tackle, Splash!"

Splash rammed into the small green bug. It was sent flying far away, about a few feet. The caterpie heaved itself up, clearly enraged. With a, "PIIEEE!" of effort, it shot a string of gooey string at Splash.

"::Oh, ew!::" Splash cried, disgusted.

"Ick!" I gasped. "We're out of here!"

Ah, the memories.

Suddenly Splash halted.

"What is it, Splash?" I asked curiously.

Splash looked absolutely horrified. "::Smell the air.::" He replied tensly.

I did what Splash told me, but smelled nothing. "I don't smell anythi--" I was cut off. I smelled a fresh wave of it. Icy claws gripped my heart.

"Blood," I whispered in horror.

Splash nodded stiffly. "::Pokemon at our strength can't even get close to drawing blood, so it must be a very powerful Pokemon.::"

Then he turned his head. "::It's coming from over there.::"

Breathing shallowly, I pushed my way through the brush, which seemed to go on forever. Finally, we pushed our way out of the thick bush, and halted almost immedietly with horror.

Splash closed his hands into a fist. I felt my blood freeze and my stomach drop.

What we saw in front of us made us want to run until we were out of breath. It was laying on the floor, eyes closed, in a pool of scarlet blood. Bloody stab marks were carved everywhere around its body. Blood was pouring out of its mouth in a single, narrow river. It was breathing shallowly and wouldn't be breathing for much longer. But the maimed "it" in front of them wasn't a Pokemon...

But a trainer.

~~~~~~~~~~

Ooh, cliffhanger! You'll have to wait 'till next week! =P

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
April 15th, 2008, 07:12 PM
Splash and I gawked at the sign with the blaring, red letters.

Excitement buzzed in my head like a swarm of Beedrill. All I could hear was my feet pounding the ground relentlessly as I raced through brush and bracken. Splash looked just as excited, his eyes shining like starlight.

"Weedle," read the text at the bottom.

Bug Pokemon won't do me any good at all!

shaking away my disappointment. "Come on, Splash," I said.

All he did was nod sympathetically. He must have sensed my feelings--as he did when I first saw him in Professor Oak's lab.

"Tackle it!" he cried.

What kind of trainer am I?

I picked him up and gently sprayed the potion

"I know, but it makes your wounds go away, so they don't get infected," I replied.

"Don't mention it," he replied good-naturedly.

I like how you threw me off by turning over onto your shell then using your tail to strike!

After we had finished complimenting each other,

"I dunno," I replied.

Are you going to catch any more Pokemon?

Well, I'm getting kind of lonely.

and it had a ragged brown <missing noun here>. I recognized what it was instantly.

"::Then...um...::" she stammered.

"Of course!" Splash and I said at the same time.

First of all, we finally have a post (written by me) that explains how to handle quotations and punctuation (about half of the mistakes noted above). It's a bit long, but you can read it here (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=132528).

I'd also recommend putting your chapters through Word's spell-checker before posting. A good number of these are typos that even Word would pick up and point out.

Grammar aside, this was a pretty good chapter. I do appreciate how you took my advice into last chapter into account - it's gotten the pace slowed down a bit and enabled you to incorporate some "downtime" into the journey so we can get to know your characters a bit better. Also good work with the trainer battle - both your character and her opponent used some clever tactics and the fight never seemed one-sided.

Let me say I like your character Sarah. I like how you portray her as excited about her journey, but also a bit naive and unprepared. And it's the little things like these that bring out her character really well:
Amusement at my own nervousness, along with embarrasment welled up inside of me. I can't believe I let another trainer see me acting like such a baby! A smile spread on my face. "Yeah. You saved me a lot of trouble--and a lot of tissue!"
Then, I noticed a little green arrow that said, "Next Page".

I rolled my eyes. Duh! I put the Pokedex back into my bag.

Your descriptions are pretty good, with enough but not too much. Perhaps, though, you might want to work on making them flow a bit better by combining physical descriptions with actions, like "I noticed its brown fur ruffling in the wind", but hopefully better than that example I came up with in three seconds o_O

And I smell a plot twist that could mean the end of the happy-go-lucky journey and thrust Sarah and her growing team into something far more sinister...

I shall keep my eyes on what happens next!

SkittyLover77
April 15th, 2008, 09:07 PM
..Holy crap that's a lot of freaking typos. o_o Yikes, I should really reread my whole fic before I send it out.

And the thing is...I type this fic as I think of things...and I usually regret them. But, from now on, I'm typing all of my chapters on word. I'm sick of all of my typos >_<.

Heh, Guess you'll have to wait until Sunday to find out the rest. =P

BakingBluePotatoe
April 19th, 2008, 09:41 AM
The Murderous Pidgeot has struck O_O
*stab'd*
sorry, been seeing to much of that one comic... :p

well, this seems pretty interesting. I think I'll stick around and watch read this! :p