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Trace
March 29th, 2008, 05:19 PM
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

firepokemon
April 10th, 2008, 04:59 AM
I like where the story is going, its interesting and looks to be well written. I would love to see more but I am really bothered by one. And that is well look below

For me, it was the truth. I had no knowledge of what is outside of the city. I didn’t go to school, I didn’t have the internet, I didn’t have any television. All I did was sit in my room and read books that my parents allowed me to read.

How can a person that is at home and only read books and yet he somehow knows about the internet? That is well silly. Would it not be better to say something like, "I wanted to experience the world, the sounds, the pictures (visuals), the smells and wonders that were contained in the books I read that my parents allowed me to read".

- Now clearly don't exactly do what I just put but the idea of television, the internet and the like surely makes no sense for someone that doesn't know the world. Also would someone that has just experienced the world really be that interested in the internet in the first place? I just find what you had in your story to be well astounding.

If you are going to base your story on the wonders of the internet and television. Your story will be crap. From what has been said so far, this story is about a boy, a loner trapped in the world of literature and not knowing the world out there. No one who lives such an existence is going to be interested in the internet when he escapes from his parents. I'm sorry but thats living in fantasy land and I believe will be detrimental to your whole entire story if you allow that to keep happening.

Otherwise, I like it and look forward to reading more.

Trace
April 10th, 2008, 04:03 PM
The story is given from the protagonist after the events happen, therefore the internet and television is mentioned. And the only reason the internet and television are mentioned to, is because of the news, giving people an idea of global events.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
April 10th, 2008, 07:58 PM
8D you really are an awesome writer~

*e-hem, review mode*

I think the introduction is great. I like the first person point of view, as it makes it easy to follow and understand Lance's thoughts and feelings.

I also think your description is well done.

One thing did stick out at me, that made me go "hmm". If he wants to get out and explore the world so badly, why the fear of not being able to read? I expected him to be bored with it~ Ah, but it was a great way to introduce another character.

I like the dialouge. Nice touch with the wording, and in some parts really brings out their personality.

“I thought you were sick. You rotten liar!” snarled Anna, almost spitting “I think your parents will be happy to know about this.”


and

“What! That’s outrageous! You greedy six year old!” <-- that. I just liked the fact that he said "outrageous". It makes him sound older/more proper.

-----

Ah, well, it's a really good start! Even though it's very cliff-hangery~ I hope you do post more.

firepokemon
April 10th, 2008, 09:01 PM
The story is given from the protagonist after the events happen, therefore the internet and television is mentioned. And the only reason the internet and television are mentioned to, is because of the news, giving people an idea of global events.

I suppose thats a fair statement. I just feel that bit needs changing because the story otherwise like Miss_Kon said is excellent. Really excellent. You can just tell when you start reading your story how good it is because trust me theres a lot of crap ones thats for sure. But I still believe that bit needs taken care of. Internet and television just seems amateurish.