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Trace
March 30th, 2008, 01:19 AM
Yup. That's right. I'm writing another story, by far longer then my 2012 one.
There is no set amount of chapters this early on.
It's written in first person.
The moral is that sometimes for the truth, you have to leave everything.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. C&C always welcome.
P.S: I'm Canadian. I spell color colour.
~*~Chapter 1~*~

I always took life for granted. I never thought for a second I’d be without heat, shelter, or any of the luxuries I used to have. I may have had these things, but when the truth came knocking on my door, I took the plunge, and decided to search for it. This is my story.

My name is Lance. Lance Rijido. I’m fourteen years old. My family is rich, but they have little time to pay attention to me at all. We all live in a manor in the center of the city. By “we”, I mean every single member of the Rijido family. Cousins, aunts, uncles…you get the idea.

The last few months I was at my manor, something felt missing. I suppose it happens to all of us, but the thing that is missing differs for person. For me, it was the truth. I had no knowledge of what is outside of the city. I didn’t go to school, I didn’t have the internet, I didn’t have any television. All I did was sit in my room and read books that my parents allowed me to read.

Allow me to tell the story of how I came to know the world’s true colours. It all began in the middle of Fall. October 15th, 2003 to be exact.

The sun was at the peak of brightness. It shone through the stain-glass windows, turning each beam of lights into different colours, from red to pink, from blue to purple.

Most of the Rijido family had gone out for the day, as I was invited to go for a walk down to the park, I thought I should play sick. Maybe then, I could sneak into my father’s study where there was books I wasn’t permitted to read. The thought of breaking rules, and learning things I wasn’t supposed to know made my whole body start to shake, but I had to calm myself, or my family might think I had a severe sickness.

As the last person in the house left, and the door was as sealed as if it was part of a brick wall, I opened my bedroom door a small crack, to examine the surroundings. As I scanned for any people that may have stayed behind, and listened to see if they forget something, I heard not a footstep, inside or outside. They were on their way for sure. And nobody was left behind.

I swung the door open, and slowly crept my way to the wall way of the third level of the manor, the same level of the manor that my father’s study was located.

The location of his study remained unknown to me—I’ve been through the whole house, every door, but still, my father disappeared at night, as if he could teleport.

As I was looking at the door to one of my uncle’s room, I heard footsteps, two levels below, slowly closing in. I doubt they knew I was up, but if they found me, they would tell my father without hesitation, and he would take away my book reading privilege for a week.

I quickly scanned around the hallway, thinking briefly about where I could hide. I looked behind me to see another door…but beside the door was the weirdest thing I’ve never noticed…… It was a discolored piece of wall paper, almost big enough to be a door.
I examined it, almost forgetting someone was still in the house, when I heard a slight “Ahem” right behind me. I swung around only to see my little cousin Anna, who was only six. She was the average height for a six year old, with long, red hair tied in a ponytail. She wore a red dress to go with her red shoes. Her green eyes shined at me, giving me that feeling that she was about to make my life, a lot more miserable.

“I thought you were sick. You rotten liar!” snarled Anna, almost spitting “I think your parents will be happy to know about this.”

Of course, Anna was always a snitch, sometimes she told my parents about things I didn’t even do. One time she broke my father’s favorite vase, and blamed the crime on me. I got a month of reading privileges revoked for that.

I considered for a second about decking her, but that would consume me into even more trouble, and my parents would be on my case about it.

“Blackmail…” I slowly mumbled under my breath.

“Call it what you like. It’ll cost you a week of dessert!”

“Alright, alright. Whatever it takes.”

“That was just a test. It’ll cost you two months of dessert now, Lance!”

“What! That’s outrageous! You greedy six year old!”

“Too late now! I’ll tell your parents!”

Anna turned away, and started to run to the first level, leaving me where I was.

My face was blank. I was about to lose more reading privileges. No. I couldn’t let this go on any further. I had to put an end to all of this madness.

I had forgotten about the discoloured wallpaper in my rage, almost turning away, but then remembering why I came down the hall in the first place.

I examined the discoloured wallpaper with looking at it very closely, then sniffing it, seeing if I could smell the paper of new books, and then running my hand across it.
I could feel a lump on the right side of the middle of it, a twistable lump…It was a doorknob!

I took my hands and put it at the top of the discoloured wallpaper, and with a bit of effort, was able to tear the wallpaper off. And to the shocking truth…There wasn’t a door…but merely…

firepokemon
April 10th, 2008, 12:59 PM
I like where the story is going, its interesting and looks to be well written. I would love to see more but I am really bothered by one. And that is well look below

For me, it was the truth. I had no knowledge of what is outside of the city. I didn’t go to school, I didn’t have the internet, I didn’t have any television. All I did was sit in my room and read books that my parents allowed me to read.

How can a person that is at home and only read books and yet he somehow knows about the internet? That is well silly. Would it not be better to say something like, "I wanted to experience the world, the sounds, the pictures (visuals), the smells and wonders that were contained in the books I read that my parents allowed me to read".

- Now clearly don't exactly do what I just put but the idea of television, the internet and the like surely makes no sense for someone that doesn't know the world. Also would someone that has just experienced the world really be that interested in the internet in the first place? I just find what you had in your story to be well astounding.

If you are going to base your story on the wonders of the internet and television. Your story will be crap. From what has been said so far, this story is about a boy, a loner trapped in the world of literature and not knowing the world out there. No one who lives such an existence is going to be interested in the internet when he escapes from his parents. I'm sorry but thats living in fantasy land and I believe will be detrimental to your whole entire story if you allow that to keep happening.

Otherwise, I like it and look forward to reading more.

Trace
April 11th, 2008, 12:03 AM
The story is given from the protagonist after the events happen, therefore the internet and television is mentioned. And the only reason the internet and television are mentioned to, is because of the news, giving people an idea of global events.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
April 11th, 2008, 03:58 AM
8D you really are an awesome writer~

*e-hem, review mode*

I think the introduction is great. I like the first person point of view, as it makes it easy to follow and understand Lance's thoughts and feelings.

I also think your description is well done.

One thing did stick out at me, that made me go "hmm". If he wants to get out and explore the world so badly, why the fear of not being able to read? I expected him to be bored with it~ Ah, but it was a great way to introduce another character.

I like the dialouge. Nice touch with the wording, and in some parts really brings out their personality.

“I thought you were sick. You rotten liar!” snarled Anna, almost spitting “I think your parents will be happy to know about this.”


and

“What! That’s outrageous! You greedy six year old!” <-- that. I just liked the fact that he said "outrageous". It makes him sound older/more proper.

-----

Ah, well, it's a really good start! Even though it's very cliff-hangery~ I hope you do post more.

firepokemon
April 11th, 2008, 05:01 AM
The story is given from the protagonist after the events happen, therefore the internet and television is mentioned. And the only reason the internet and television are mentioned to, is because of the news, giving people an idea of global events.

I suppose thats a fair statement. I just feel that bit needs changing because the story otherwise like Miss_Kon said is excellent. Really excellent. You can just tell when you start reading your story how good it is because trust me theres a lot of crap ones thats for sure. But I still believe that bit needs taken care of. Internet and television just seems amateurish.