View Full Version : The Adventures of the Johto League

April 5th, 2008, 12:49 PM
This is my first story. Hope it goes well. Please comment and tell me what you think.

Chapter 1: The Starters

Once in the land of Johto in the place of New Bark Town. There lived a girl named Lily who was twelve. She had big blue eyes, brown skin, and brown hair. She was tall and skinny. She was wearing blue jeans, a red shirt with a Flareon on it, and red tennis shoes. She was tom-boyish and adventurous. Lily had a best friend whose name was Hope. Hope had brown eyes, brown skin, and black hair. She also was tall but, very skinny. She was wearing a pink skirt, a pink shirt with an Espeon on it, and pink sandals. She was wearing a charm bracelet with an Evee, Jolteon, Vaporeon, and Flareon on it. She had a Butterfree neckalace on with Jigglypuff hair pins in her hair and Clefairy earrings. She was 13 and she liked fashion but, was also adventurous. Lily had a rival whose names was Junior. Kenya was Junior's best friend and Hope's rival. Junior had dark, dark, jet black hair. He had green eyes and brown skin. He was wearing a blue shirt with a Gyrados on it, blue shorts, and blue tennis shoes. Kenya had black hair with blond highlights on top of it, hazel eyes, and brown skin. He had a Umbreon shirt with black shorts, and black nikis. Kenya had a pokemon and he was the only one with one. Junior's grandfather was Proffessor Elm and Kenya lived with Junior. Junior was 13 and Kenya was 14. Well, one day Hope and Lily went to get their first pokemon. They went into the lab and saw Proff. Elm standing there. "Welcome" said Proff. Elm. There are three pokemon and he took out three pokeballs. He brought them out. The first one is Cynaquil the fire pokemon who had flames on it's back and creamish looking color on it's stomach. The rest of it's body was black. Next, came out Tododile the water pokemon. It looked like a blue alligator that was standing upright. It wasn't very big. Finnaly, the last pokemon came out and it was Chickorita the grass pokemon. It had a leaf on it's head and thorns around it's neck. It was very cute. Now choose which one you like. I choose Cynaquil said Lily. Then suddenly Junior appeared and he grabbed Tododile. I'll get Chickorita, Hope said. Then they went outside and they saw Kenya standing there. Then Junior said "Why don't we battle each other?" I'll battle Lily and Kenya can battle Hope. Cynaquil tackle it, Tododile scratch it. Cynaquil rammed it hard with it's body and Tododile scratched it with its claws. Both attacks hit hard. Cynaquil use growl. Tododile dodge then use scratch. Cynaquil tackle it while its dodging. Then Tododile fainted and Lily won. Now it's Hopes turn. Come on out Abra. Chickorita tackle it. Abra teleport but, it didn't work. Abra fainted. Very impressive clapped Elm. You were watching us. I was watching the entire time. I came out to give you your pokedexs. With that he pulled them out and handed it to them. Here Junior and Kenya I got this for you. Junior got a blue bag with pictures of Tododile and it's evolutions on it and five pokeballs. Kenya got a black bag with an Umbreon on it and five pokeballs. Here is your lunch too. Lily and Hope return to your moms. They have a suprise for you. First, they all went to the pokecenter and got their pokemon healed. Then Kenya and Junior departed. Lily and Hope went to their moms. Lily got a red bag with pictures of Cynaquil and its evolutions on it. She also got lunch. Hope got a pink bag with an Espeon on it and five pokeballs. She also got lunch. They then showed their moms their pokemon and left. The end of chapter one.

Light Yagami
April 5th, 2008, 1:26 PM
Its kind of generic, but hey. Very descriptive though. It's way too short, there isn't enough substance to keep a reader wanting more. The font should really be lef alone, as it kind of gave me a migraine.

Names of pokemon need to be upper-cased.

You kind of spelled it wrong twice.....funny enough you spelled it wrong two different ways.

This isn't the best cliff hanger by the way. But as an author you're entitled to whatever kind of cliff-hanger that you want.
The rest of it's body was black. Next, came out tododile the water
to be continued...

When someone talks, it should have its own paragraph and your quote should have been over his whole speech.
"Welcome" said Proff. Elm. There are three pokemon and he took out three pokeballs. He brought them out. The first one is cynaquil the fire pokemon who had flames on it's back and creamish looking color on it's stomach. The rest of it's body was black. Next, came out tododile the water

With those additions I look forward to reading the rest.

April 6th, 2008, 1:29 PM
Thank you for your comments. It is helping me.

April 6th, 2008, 5:46 PM
Chapter 2: The First Pokemon
Lily and Hope were walking around in the grass looking for pokemon. When suddenly two bird pokemon appeared. They looked in their pokedex and one was called Pidgey and the other Hoothoot. Let's go Chickorita and Cynaquil. Chickorita use razor leaf and Cynaquil use ember. Hoothoot got hit but, Pidgey dodged it and it used peck on cynaquil. Then Hoothoot used foresight. Chickorita used sweet scent. While, Cynaquil used smokescreen. Then Chickorita used tackle on Pidgey. Pidgey used gust to blow it away. Hoothoot used tackle Cynaquil used ember. Chickorita used sleep powder on both of them and they fell asleep. Then Chickorita used vine whip and Cynaquil used ember. They both fainted. Go pokeballs! Hope got Pidgey and Lily chose Hoothoot. Meanwhile, the boys were a little farther ahead looking for pokemon. Then appeared two bird pokemon. They looked in their pokedex and it was a Spearow and a Murkrow. Well, lets go Tododile and Abra. Tododile use water gun. It hit Spearow and Spearow hit Murkrow. They then hit a tree. They became confused and started attacking each other. So, Tododile used water gun. Murkrow and Spearow fainted. Go pokeballs! Kenya caught Murkrow and Junior caught Spearow. Then they saw Lily and Hope. Then came Team Rocket. Prepare for trouble! Make it double! To protect the world from devastation! To unite all people within our nation! To denounce the evils of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above! Jessie! James! Team Pocket, blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to fight! Meowth! That's right! Now, give us all your pokemon or be prepared to fight! We'll never do that! Fine then you asked for it. Go Arbok, Wobbuffet, and Lickitung said Jessie. Go Weezing, Victreebell, and Meowth said James. Go Cynaquil, Tododile, Chickorita, Abra, Pidgey, Murkrow, Spearow, and Hoothoot they all said. Arbok use glare and then wrap on Cynaquil. Lickitung use lick on Chickorita and then cut on Tododile. Victreebell use razor leaf on Pidgey and vine whip at Spearow. Weezing sludge at Hoothoot. Meowth use scratch on Abra and Wobbuffet use destiny bond on Murkrow. All the pokemon on the gang's team fainted except Abra and Murkrow. Murkrow attacked Wobbuffet but, Wobbuffet's destiny bond made Murkrow faint. Meowth kept on scratching Abra untill Abra started glowing. Abra evolved into Kadabra. Yes, go Kadabra shouted Kenya. Use a confusion attack. Lickitung, Meowth, and Weezing fainted. Only Victreebell and Arbok were left. Arbok use wrap and Victreebell use vine whip. Kadabra use confusion at the vine whip and made it hit them. They both fainted. Now, Kadabra use psybeam. Team Rocket is blasting off! You saved us and our pokemon said Hope and then hugged him. Kenya became embarrased and read the next chapter to find out what happens next.