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TheNewFireEagle
April 7th, 2008, 04:44 PM
Hey come on, come out and play,
we don’t got all night and day.
You better come out before I shoot you,
or else I’m coming in there and cut you.

Hey come on, come out and play,
we don’t got all night and day,
how many times do I gotta say.

When I come in there you better run,
because I gotta gun.
So you better run away,
or else I gotta find another way.

There’s no hiding, I ain’t playing,
you better come out and play,
I here you crying so let’s play.

Hey come on, come out and play,
we don’t got all night and day.
You better come out before I shoot you,
or else I’m coming in there and cut you.

How many times do I gotta say,
I gonna come in there and kill you,
so you better not run or else I’m coming for you.

Hey come on, come out and play,
we don’t got all night and day,
you better run scared before I come and get you.

When you run, I’m going to shoot my gun,
so you better run away.

Hey come on, come out and play,
we don’t got all night and day.
You better come out before I shoot you,
or else I’m coming in there and cut you.

Klippy
April 7th, 2008, 05:13 PM
o___o;

I'm rather disturbed anyone would write poetry like this, for starters. It's rather sadistic and disgusting.

Secondly, the grammar is atrocious. "I gotta gun" wouldn't really work, as 'gotta' is slang for 'have to' not 'have'. You would've been better off using "I have a gun" or...having not written this at all.

Thirdly, your rhyming is rather first grade. Constantly using "you" shows you really put effort into the work.

I suggest finding a subject-matter more pleasing to people and less homicidal.

TheNewFireEagle
April 7th, 2008, 06:04 PM
Alright, I'll post another poem on here tomorrow.

Mr.Roserade
April 8th, 2008, 10:49 PM
I agree with Klippy, this is kind of disturbing...It kind of seems like you were trying to rap, if so, maybe use some metaphors to spice things up =]

Toblerone
April 27th, 2008, 03:12 AM
Yes, i think it also needs improving. But i still think it was a good try.