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Pokemondude23
April 8th, 2008, 01:03 PM
Chapter 1 part A

I t was early friday morning and Justin woke up to a loud surprise."AHHHH!" said justin as he fell to the floor then quickly getting up. There in front of him was prof. Rowan with a huge bin. Justin asked,"What are you doin' here?" Prof Rowan answered," Justin remeber today is your 10th birthday and you get your pokemon, what you must do is stick your hand in here and pick out a pokeball and it will be your first pokemon!" Quickly Justin ran over shoved his hands in the bin and pulled out a pokeball. Then he yelled while throwing the ball," Come on out!" And in the middle of his room a tiny Riolu.Justin asked," Whaaaat I wanted a Treeko!" Prof. Rowan said, " You know you are lucky very few people have Riolus and plus they evolve into Lucario so you should feel honored. Now back on subject I have another surprise I will let you pick out another for a double battle against Dawn and you will get to keep it ." With out a second of thought Justin grabbed another pokeball out of the bin. Then he yelled while throwing the pokeball,"Come on out!" Then right next to the Riolu a stunning Eevee. Justin shouted,"Yes! A Eevee! Now I can get a Umbreon or Espeon!" Then Prof Rowan said while handing him a pokedex and pokeballs," You know have all the essintials needed to be a trainer. Know I will give you 2 days to practice with your pokemon before you battle Dawn and just to let you know today is Dawn's 10th birthday two so I am heading over there now to let her pick out hers." Then Prof. Rowan left the room. Justin then looked at his pokemon and said," You Know we will beat Dawn right." Riolu resopnded with a thumbs up, Eevee responded with a wink. With that Justin knew it was the beggining of a long friendship.


Then Justin went and got dressed and brushed his teeth then gathered his things and put Riolu and Eevee in there pokeballs. As he rushed out the door his mom yelled," Have fun!" And with that justin Put a spring in his step and raced into the woods. It was quiet and Justin looked around carefully scoping for a wild pokemon then he saw it a Pidgey."Go, Riolu!" Throwing Riolu's pokeball. Then Riolu appeared ready to fight. "Riolu use Mach Punch!" yelled Justin. Riolu started punching the Pidgey until the Pidgey wacked him with it's wing and went back to resting. Justins jaw dropped," Riolu are you going to take that."

What will happen next see next time on "The Next League Champion"

Alli
April 8th, 2008, 01:29 PM
Seventy million grammar and spelling errors noticed by just glancing at this block of words. There's no description whats so ever. Don't abbreviate the word professor. Seperate this into smaller blocks, I could go on.

Also, I noticed you posted a fic up today, maybe yesterday. Are you trying to get recognition on the forum? If so, I recommend not doing it in the fan fic section.

But, if you really are trying, then you might wanna check out the grammar stickies in the Writer's Lounge.

Justin shouted,"Yes a Eevee know I can get a Umbreon or Espeon!"

More so:

"Yes! An Eevee! Now I can get an Umbreon or an Espeon!" Justin shouted.

Yours is very run-on.

Then Riolu appeared ready to fight. "Riolu use Close Combat!" yelled Justin. Riolu started punching and kicking the Pidgey until the Pidgey wacked him with it's wing and went back to resting. Justins jaw dropped," Riolu you little wimp destroy it."


Ok.
1. Riolu doesn't have Close Combat when you first get it, and I don't think he's even capable of learning it.
2. Very cruel, Justin is.

Clearly this needs a lot of work. Just go check the stickes like I mentioned previously.

Pokemondude23
April 9th, 2008, 12:48 PM
Chapter 1 part B


"Riolu use quick attack!" yelled Justin. Riolu nailed it in the side knocking it off balance. " There we go Riolu use Mach Punch!" Justin yelled. Before Pidgey could regain balance it wan knocked off it's feet." Ok Riolu that's enough pokeball go!" said Justin. Beep...Beep...Beep..BEEP!! "Yes! A Pidgey!" Justin screamed.

"Very Good." said a Mysterious Voice. Justin turns around and sees it is only Micheal his long time friend."Like my pokemon?" Justin asked. "Mine are better!" Micheal said.
" Want to test that?" said Justin. " Yes let's , Go shuppet." said Micheal. " Go Eevee!" Screamed Justin. Both at the same time " Use Tackle!" The tackes met and it knocked Eevee off it's feet. "Eevee use Quick Attack!" Eevee ran towards Shuppet and went right through him into a tree KOing it. " Return!" Both Said." Well, Micheal you are better." said Justin."You wern't bad. Hey you better hurry up and take it to the Pokemon Center." Said Micheal. And with that Justin took off towards Hearthrome City.


When Justin reached the pokemon center he was meet by a deafing siren. "STAY CLEAR.. I REPEAT STAY CLEAR." Justin looked and saw a huge Firetruck coming his way with Dawn and two water pokemon on it. Then Justin walked into the Pokemon Center and asked nurse Joy if she could hold them over night and she said yes.

It was 3:00 a.m. and Justin was woke up by Riolu."What Riolu?" asked Justin. Riolu pointed and Justin saw a blaze engulf the poke center. Justin yelled" Nooo!!" Justin got up ran out of his room and out of the house toward the poke center. Justin didn't think twice about running into the Poke Center. What he saw was a huddle of pokemon and Nurse Joy sorounding them.


See what happens Next time

Post Office Buddy
April 9th, 2008, 12:57 PM
I'm sorry to say, but this is of terrible quality. No description, terrible grammar, terrible spelling, etc. I suggest that you restructure and rethink writing this piece. For now, I think a mod should put this in the revision bin until you can rewrite it well enough to pass as acceptable.

Alli
April 9th, 2008, 12:58 PM
This is bothering me now. I think the second chapter is worse than the first.

"Riolu use quick attack!" yelled Justin. Riolu nailed it in the side knocking it off balance. " There we go Riolu use Mach Punch!" Justin yelled. Before Pidgey could regain balance it wan knocked off it's feet."

Now, you tell me. Does any of what's typed above look correct? Is "Before Pidgey could balance it wan knocked off it's feet." a sentence? Wan is not a word, as far as I'm concerned. You also need 'its' not 'it's'. You basically said 'it is feet'.

The rest of the chapter...still lacks description, grammar errors on every corner, spelling, typos, the works.

Like I've said before, go look at some stickies. Or, you can go look at other fics. Here's my recommendations:

I Am Rain - Jax Malcolm
teh journey of Harrison! - Astinus
Divine Intervention - Gummy
Lost Heaven - Nerevarine
The Fall of Light - jeffback
The Retelling of Pokemon Colosseum- bobandbill
Just A Brother - SilverSmeargleSplatter

And there's a lot more I could name, but I won't right now. Just read some of those and you'll see what you're lacking.

Post Office Buddy
April 9th, 2008, 01:05 PM
I suggest you listen to Silver on this one; all of the fanfics she has suggested are of good quality. Some of these may be difficult to find (I Am Rain comes to mind here), but none should be buried any further than page two.

To Silver, I am highly honored to have earned a place on your list of recommendations. Makes me feel much better about my own writing.

Alli
April 9th, 2008, 01:12 PM
I suggest you listen to Silver on this one; all of the fanfics she has suggested are of good quality. Some of these may be difficult to find (I Am Rain comes to mind here), but none should be buried any further than page two.

Thank you. See, pokemondude23? There are people who are trying to help you.

To Silver, I am highly honored to have earned a place on your list of recommendations. Makes me feel much better about my own writing.

Speaking of which, I've been busy lately and haven't had time to catch up on yours. O.o

Astinus
April 9th, 2008, 10:44 PM
I've been looking at this fic, and leaving, and coming back... I've finally decided to act.

This story really doesn't meet the standards of the fanfiction section. You have so many spelling errors that could have been caught if you had read this over before posting it. Especially a spelling error as simple as "wan" for "was".

Slow down your writing. Take the time needed to write the chapter, and take all the time that you can to make this the best that you can. Make use of a word processing program that has a spell-check or use one of the free spell-checkers found on the Internet.

And, if you want me to get really picky, I doubt that Rowan would hand out a rare Pokemon like Riolu to some new trainer. And I seriously doubt that he would just hand over an Eevee, which are rare in Sinnoh, and so I would figure that Rowan would take the chance to study a rare Pokemon. And, if it is Rowan in Sinnoh, then why would Justin expect to get a Treecko, which are native to Hoenn?

Also, why is Rowan allowed to stand by the bed of a ten-year-old waiting for the kid to wake up? That seems rather creepy. What happened to going to a lab?

Then Prof Rowan said while handing him a pokedex and pokeballs,
That's all that someone needs to travel as a trainer? What about the basic needs, like a sleeping bag or food? And for Pokemon supplies, there are also the medicines, like Potions and Antidotes that would be helpful to have.

Pidgey. Why is it in Sinnoh? Unless this is just some random region that's a big mash-up of every region in the world with every Pokemon. Since, you know, you never told us where this fic takes place.

"Riolu use Mach Punch!"
Riolu can't learn Mach Punch according to the games. But I guess that this can easily slide, since Mach Punch isn't really all that difficult of a move to pull off.

And just as a point on the second chapter: Hearthome City is no where near Sandgem Town, where Rowan lives. So where is Justin starting from that Rowan has no problems leaving his lab to get to and that is close to Hearthome City?

-

I'll be nice this once. I'll give you one chance to improve your writing. Put some effort into the next chapter, in terms of spelling, grammar, and just more thought in what happens in the chapter. If there's no improvement, then the thread is closed.

And yes, look at the stickies in the Lounge. They'll help.

Pokemondude23
April 10th, 2008, 02:25 AM
Thank you and please Astinus close this thread I am working with silversmeagle on a new and good fanfic from the begging.

Alli
April 10th, 2008, 02:52 PM
Thank you and please Astinus close this thread I am working with silversmeagle on a new and good fanfic from the begging.


1. If I'm going to help you, you have to get my name right. :o
2. Beginning, not begging. And that was only a post, not a chapter.
3. Better, not good.

Astinus
April 10th, 2008, 10:17 PM
This thread is now closed based on the author giving permission.