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Moon lucario
April 14th, 2008, 04:05 PM
for your FYI: this is a kingdom hearts like story, meaning there is more then one thing of characters in it. this is also a work in progress meaning im not even done w/ it in real life.




prologue
Lucario

Lucario sighed and looked at the field. THe field was big and had an array of vividly dark green grass, and mixed with it beautiful colored flowers ranging from dark blue to pink. What really brought out the color of the plants what the beautiful blue sky with the glowing sun raining its rays down. There was also a breeze blowing which made each plant intermingle with eachotther. And in the backround of this pretty scene was a tower; an huge crystal tower.
Lucario glared at the tower and closed its eyes. He then held out his black hands and , in them, formed a ball ( for which he called and 'aura sphere') and raised it into the air. "You dont deserve to stay around. Arceus you betrayed me." He closed his eyes and threw the sphere at the tower. The sphere flew through the tower like a baseball going through glass. Lucario smirked and walked away from the field smirking. "If only you didnt betray me my love" Lucario mummbled, "then i wouldnt have had to destroy the crystal, i wouldt have to destroy this world."



this is just a prologue tell me what you think so far.

Astinus
April 14th, 2008, 04:30 PM
prologue
Lucario

Lucario sighed and looked at the field. The field was big and had an array of vividly dark green grass, and mixed with it beautiful colored flowers ranging from dark blue to pink. What really brought out the color of the plants was the beautiful blue sky with the glowing sun raining its rays down. There was also a breeze blowing which made each plant intermingle with each other. And in the background of this pretty scene was a tower; an huge crystal tower.

Lucario glared at the tower and closed his eyes. He then held out his black hands and, in them, formed a ball (for which he called an 'aura sphere') and raised it into the air.

"You don't deserve to stay around. Arceus, you betrayed me." He closed his eyes and threw the sphere at the tower. The sphere flew through the tower like a baseball going through glass. Lucario smirked and walked away from the field smirking (Why do you have smirking twice in the same sentence?). "If only you didn't betray me, my love," Lucario mumbled, "then I wouldn't have had to destroy the crystal, I wouldn't have to destroy this world."

The story seems like an interesting one. I would like to read more about Lucario and what happened to make him have to destroy the world he's in now.

The main problem that you have is that you really need to proof-read this over before posting. Hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph when talking about a new idea or when someone speaks.

When you have a contraction, like "don't" for "do not", you need an apostrophe to replace the missing letters.

You also had a few spelling errors. Type up your story on Microsoft Word or another program similar, or use one of the free spell-checkers online to catch some of the mistakes. And like I said, there is also proof-reading over your chapter before you post to catch some mistakes.

Good luck.

Moon lucario
April 14th, 2008, 05:02 PM
prologue 2
the past; Asher explains it


"If I could choose a time period to live in I would choose the Aura Age. If your wondering what the Aura Age is, it is the age in which people could see and use aura to help them with their daily lives. But you see the Aura Age was 10,000 years ago, the time in which the 2 gaurdians, Arceus and Lucario, lived.
Arceus, the god of all things living, had once loved Lucario, and lucario the same to arceus. One day Arceus had planned to whipe out all of the pokemon that were not god like; or ones chosen by arceus's underlings shaymin, and darkrai. Well you see Lucario didnt like that and took a stand against arceus. They both fought, arceus and his gods, and lucario and mortal pokemon. They fought for 5000 years until lucario destroyed crystal tower and arceus pathway to the mortal world. With that Arceus retreated back to otherworld, and lucario the real world and havent met since."
> Ashler<

Astinus
April 15th, 2008, 12:17 PM
You really didn't take into account my advice given to you. You still have way too many spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and a lack of quality that could have easily been fixed if you had read over your fic before posting.

Don't just type up your chapter in the Post Reply box. That's bad. Take your time writing your chapter.

This fic doesn't meet the standards of the section.