Fanfiction Lounge

[pokejungle]

Hmmmm nice idea for the two translations. Not that...many of us at PC can read japanese >.>; Or maybe I'm wrong.

OOOH! I'm working on my third guide in the "Katsuro's Guide to" series! It's "Katsuro's Guide to Forum Etiquette", following CRPing, and FPRing =D w00t! I want my own "Katsuro's Guides" thread in the Resources forumes ^^ I'll be applying after I finish this guide.

[SilverBlaze09]

Speaking of which, would you be interested in reviewing it? Let me say, though, that since I'm focused on this becoming a manga, I really don't care too much about grammar mistakes or how I describe the sceneries or other grammar-related stuff. I just really want some pointers on the main storyline material itself.

Sure! *cracks knuckles* This'll be the second famous fic that I've reviewed totally seriously. XP XD So, expect the first part sometime tomorrow.

Whoah, I get to correct one of the 'immortals'...

Description is not really a part of grammar. Grammar is mainly the proper use of words, while description involves more of the words themselves. That's the definitions boiled down, anyway.

If frostweaver hit your fic, I'm not sure I'll catch much that he didn't get. XP I'll just shut up and review it tomorrow.
OOOH! I'm working on my third guide in the "Katsuro's Guide to" series! It's "Katsuro's Guide to Forum Etiquette", following CRPing, and FPRing =D w00t! I want my own "Katsuro's Guides" thread in the Resources forumes ^^ I'll be applying after I finish this guide.
Where are the other ones?

»SilverBlaze09«

[pokejungle]

They're in "The RP Lounge" I believe, subforum of Other RolePlaying.

Not quite sure though >.>; Guess I haven't kept track of them xD

[Negrek]

0_o you thought I was blaming you for killing fanfic battle? Dude, you're the only person who said that they'd write a piece that actually did, SilverBlaze09. All the rest of you get glares. *glares distributed*

Oh, and no, I don't plan to put up the current version of Clouded Sky here, as it's already posted in two different places and any more than that and I never remember to update. Waytar just sounded better than Auderiall, the original name for the region. *shudders* Eleven-year-old ideas...

Heh, if ever you have more free time, I'd be happy to fight you, IceKing. And what, slaughtered 'fics? I think I've killed far fewer than Frostweaver. You're just mad that I attacked Scrap, right? XD

My characters aren't planned out at all. If I sat down and wrote out their personalities, I would spend too much time referencing my sheets to see how they react. The thing is, they can't stay the same as they are on the sheet. They need to grow and begin to react differently. Then I would have just wasted time writing something that was bound to become obsolete, and at worst would have held back my character development.

I write for a half hour a day on school days and an hour plus on weekends/holidays. With the exception of times when I'm on vacation (like now) or my computer is broken (also now). Then I sit around and whine about how my files are gone and I can't do anything.

Oh, and an excellent set of ASB rules can be found here (http://www.pokemonfanuniverse.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4948) .

[pokejungle]

I'd actually be interested in battling if I could see an example first o.o; I've never done it, obviously.

[Negrek]

I love ASB, but I don't currently belong to any forums that have one that's working.

I'm reading a pretty good one now...it's here, if you'd like to take a look (http://www.pokemonfanuniverse.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4503).

Edit: *smacks self* Or if you meant you'd like to do a fanfic battle like the one that we have here, SilverBlaze09 has already posted his portion of the tournament thing, so you can go read that if you like. It looks like a good example of one, too. You can use the link in my earlier post on this topic or go to the second page of these forums to look at it. *is too lazy to go get link herself*

[pokejungle]

I was talking about the one we have here XD

I'll go take a look ^^

[SilverBlaze09]

Today's gonna be a good day. XD I just heard 'Upside Down' and 'Rythym of the night', two of my favorite songs. Wish they'd play 'This is a Call' by Thousand Foot Krutch, but ya can't have everything, I guess...


0_o you thought I was blaming you for killing fanfic battle? Dude, you're the only person who said that they'd write a piece that actually did, SilverBlaze09. All the rest of you get glares. *glares distributed*


Don't be too hard on them. I had waaayyyy too much time on my hands, so I had it done by the next day or the one after. Not many people can brag about that. XP

Oh, and no, I don't plan to put up the current version of Clouded Sky here, as it's already posted in two different places and any more than that and I never remember to update.

*his turn to glower* Ho, well, can't have everything, I guess... XP XD

Waytar just sounded better than Auderiall, the original name for the region. *shudders* Eleven-year-old ideas...


Hmm, they both sound okay, although Waytar sounds more militant to me.

Meh, I know what you mean, although I didn't even have a computer when I was eleven. Praise God for the small favors. XD

WHOOOOOWHOOOOHOOOO! NOW THEY'RE PLAYING 'LAND DOWN UNDER', BY MEN AT WORK! THIS IS GONNA BE A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

Ima listen to TobyMac, just for fun! XD

Anyways, back to subjects. XD

My characters aren't planned out at all. If I sat down and wrote out their personalities, I would spend too much time referencing my sheets to see how they react. The thing is, they can't stay the same as they are on the sheet. They need to grow and begin to react differently. Then I would have just wasted time writing something that was bound to become obsolete, and at worst would have held back my character development.

*nods* That makes sense. *chuckles* You have my permission. *is run over by a semi truck* Fuuunn...

Anyways, yeah. I use my character sheets the way I do because my characters are already experienced. As in, they've been a lean, mean team for a long time. XD

They're in "The RP Lounge" I believe, subforum of Other RolePlaying.

Not quite sure though >.>; Guess I haven't kept track of them xD

I'll check it out. XD

I write for a half hour a day on school days and an hour plus on weekends/holidays. With the exception of times when I'm on vacation (like now) or my computer is broken (also now). Then I sit around and whine about how my files are gone and I can't do anything.


*chuckles* More than I do on a regular basis.

I'll have little spurts of inspiration quite a bit, but I'm usually far from the comp... Then I have the big ones, where I'll write whole chapters at a sitting. It's usually when I'm writing a one-shot, though... XP

Broken computer? Annoying vacation? Just use the TeleMatron! She'll come over and lecture anyone or anything you want until it does what you want! XD

I'd actually be interested in battling if I could see an example first o.o; I've never done it, obviously.

It's not obvious, but I forgive ya. XD I need to put that link in my sig... XD
looks like a good example of one, too.
*whistles* Two sorta-compliments from one of the infamous 'mean' reviewers in one thread! *dies* XD

I was talking about the one we have here XD

I'll go take a look ^^

Vote SB for president and best writer![/shameless plug] XD

Well, I'm off to work my way towards Yamato-San's ficcy. Toodles! XD

»SilverBlaze09«

[Strawberry Delcatty]

Just came across Serebii (*self-kicks butt*) and found this interesting little tidbit:

About Mary-Sues: Pokemon can be Mary-Sues. Canon characters *cough*PIKACHU*cough* can be Mary-Sues. They are everywhere. They are in your stories (especially trainer fics). In your one-shots. In your house. Check for Sueism before you write, not after you're done 12 chapters and your char is already hopeless. Also: poor May and Brendan are mercilessly Sue-ified. If you have to give them a new character, please make them INTERESTING... ;_;

One of the ways I try to avoid Sueishness and to add interest is to give someone flaws. The Seven Deadly Sins really help if you can't decide on something. In case you don't know, they're Pride, Lust, Anger, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Greed. If you want to add one good feature to your bad guys, the Seven Virtues are Faith, Hope, Charity, Temperance, Fortitude, Justice, and Prudence - remember that your bad guys need good points too.
While I do agree that a well-balanced character should have flaws, I kinda think that the Seven Deadly Sins is a bit too far. I mean, there are some characters that are better off not having these traits (like the pure-hearted little boy/girl that everyone loves). As for villians, well... even they should have their moments.

What do you think?

[SilverBlaze09]

You'll notice that that person didn't say to give them one, but if you were stuck, playing off of one could help.

And yeah, most villians need their 'goody-goody' moments. Although they usually regret it later... XD

But for some of the bad guys, putting in good would just wreck their personality.

Giving the bad guy a good feature that occasionally messes with his evil intent usually adds something to the fic, but it's a tad difficult to not go overboard with it... XP XD

Yeah, Sues and Stus are everywhere, if you look close enough. XP XD

Who wrote that?

»SilverBlaze09«

[pokejungle]

Neko- Those 7 deadly sins can even be applicated to a little boy. The degree of it in their personality can be almost impercetible to blantantly obvious.

Just like a little boy probably gets angry...and gets greedy and doesn't want to share.

[Strawberry Delcatty]

Who wrote that?
Mighty Hyena from Serebii. *self-kicks butt again*

[Isaac Gravity]

Even if the above topic on the seven deadly sins has been confirmed, I'd still like to have a say in this...

Like it’s already been said: those sins along with the seven virtues just make up a human in general. Maybe, its me but not every "villain" has to be evil incarnate. Perhaps they just want to carry out their dreams and have no regard to whom they trample along the way. (As those who stop that said villain might not always be the gold-hearted type)

Even if a person is utterly innocent and holds that naive/good boy/girl stereotype, depending on a situation and how it progresses that attitude of their's will change drastically and they may exhibit feelings they usually don't.

But that's just what I think.

[Frostweaver]

Currently working on a guide that I delayed for like... 3 months XD; Oni must be annoyed at me about it by now ._.;

I want to read Trials of Reluctance to catch up... ;o;

[SilverBlaze09]

Currently working on a guide that I delayed for like... 3 months XD; Oni must be annoyed at me about it by now ._.;



*twitch* I doubt it. *points at FFotW thread*

Perhaps they just want to carry out their dreams and have no regard to whom they trample along the way.

Don't forget the ones who truly believe that their cause is the 'good' side, and their opponents are the 'bad guys'.

Like in 'SW:TNJO'. The Yuuzhan Vong invaded the galaxy and murdered millions or trillions. Why? Because they believed their gods had told them to 'cleanse' the galaxy of the 'perversion' of technology. Anyone who didn't become their slaves were sacrificed.

And they believed in their cause. At least most of them for awhile. XP XD
Mighty Hyena from Serebii. *self-kicks butt again*
*rolls eyes* Niko, this is weird.

Mighty Hyena, huh? I've heard about that person... Has he/she written anything yet?
Even if a person is utterly innocent and holds that naive/good boy/girl stereotype, depending on a situation and how it progresses that attitude of their's will change drastically and they may exhibit feelings they usually don't.

Don't forget, the 'perfect little girl/boy(although girls are usually the 'perfect' ones) is more susceptible to either envy or pride. XP

Envious of other people who aren't perfect and so have more friends and have more, in their eyes, 'fun'. Proud that they ARE perfect, although this usually comes later in life. XP XD

Whee, I'm just a lovable little philosopher. XPXPXPXDXDXD

Question: Does anybody know the relation of Hoenn/Kanto/Johto/Orre/Orange and Sevii Islands in relation to each other?

»SilverBlaze09«

[Frostweaver]

What about FFotW? O.o; I don't get how is that related to me

[Act]

Wow... missed a lot.

Anyway... character sheets. Ug. I agree with negrek in that I think you'd end up restricting the development of a character. Characterization is my favorite thing in fanfiction, even more than plot. If a character doesn't grow and change, it annoys me.

As far as 'evil' characters go, it's the same thing. People aren't born 'evil'. Maybe something traumatic happened. Maybe they are following an elder and aren't fully aware that what they're doing is wrong. Maybe they have mental issues. Point is, I'd like a valid reason for someone to be the antagonist. In most cases, people just happen to think what they are doing is right. To the Nazis, killing Jews would end Germany's suffereings. They saw it as salvation.

Bad character development and poor background =/= me being happy with a fic.

And I could go on for ages about romance in fics and how people just skip over character development there.

[SilverBlaze09]

What about FFotW? O.o; I don't get how is that related to me

*grins* Let's just say Niko didn't do a job... AND LET ME DO IT! XD

Just read some of it, especially about how soon he was gonna get the links up... No disrespect to him intended, he's gotta heckuva job. It's just that I doubt he'll be that ticked over a slow-in-coming guide. As long as he's not got that added to his innumerable duties*twitch*, I think he'll be happy that it's done.[/mad attempt to rationalise the psyche of a Mod]
Anyway... character sheets. Ug. I agree with negrek in that I think you'd end up restricting the development of a character. Characterization is my favorite thing in fanfiction, even more than plot. If a character doesn't grow and change, it annoys me.

Um, I don't think we're on the same page anymore.

I meant use them for a BASE, not the whole thing. I tried (and my brain literally had a lockdown) going with a solid, preconstructed character. Fortunately, that's one thing that never found its way out of my lair... XP XD
As far as 'evil' characters go, it's the same thing. People aren't born 'evil'.
*rubs forehead* No comment. [/comment]
Maybe something traumatic happened.

That's classified as 'vengeance', normally. *thinks of the movie 'Incredibles'*
Maybe they are following an elder and aren't fully aware that what they're doing is wrong.
'Naivete'(sp?). *thinks of the Jensaari from 'Star Wars: I, Jedi*
Maybe they have mental issues.
Deranged, psychopath. *thinks of Joker and character from Louis L'amour's novel, 'Dark Trail(I think)'*
To the Nazis, killing Jews would end Germany's suffereings. They saw it as salvation.

Did all the Nazis believe that? lol, sorry. I was in 'argument' mode. XD
In most cases, people just happen to think what they are doing is right.
You're not saying that we should forget the ones who enjoy doing wrong, correct?

'It's fun', 'Nobody's gonna catch us', 'Get all you can from life before Death gets you', the rationalisations are endless. The millions of people who say that everyday KNOW that what they do and did are wrong, yet they continue doing them. Whether from a need for attention, because their friends are doing it, I don't know. But those who believe that what they are doing is right, yet they are doing wrong, are normally the minority.
Bad character development and poor background =/= me being happy with a fic.
*twitch* Makes me happy to watch you. XD Of course, the probfic itself doesn't make me happy. My imagination is such that I can see the possible outcomes of all the bad fics, and that makes me want to help. But, *sighs**switches to voice-of-somebody-I-once-heard-say-this* not all share my vision. XD
And I could go on for ages about romance in fics and how people just skip over character development there.
*twitch* I agree 100% with you on that. I mean, the 'professionals' mess up enough without the n00bs trying their hands at it. XP XD Some of the 'romances' make for good 'humor', though. XDXDXDXD

Whee, I start forest fires nowadays. XD Let's try another one: what do you think about the storyline? Do you map it out beforehand, or just let it flow from and to wherever it wants?

»SilverBlaze09«

[Negrek]

Whee, I'm back home and my computer is working and I be happy. XD Of course, Microsoft Word is not working, so I do have something to gripe about. *gripes*

Meh, I think that good and evil are all based on perception. It's all moral codes, both internal and those of society, that determine what and who we see to be evil and who we see to be good. The people who win in the end are often the ones widely regarded to be good later on (history is written by the winners).

Whenever I watch a good movie or read a novel I often end up rooting for the good guys because they're so much more interesting than the heroes...

[Act]

You're not saying that we should forget the ones who enjoy doing wrong, correct?

'It's fun', 'Nobody's gonna catch us', 'Get all you can from life before Death gets you', the rationalisations are endless. The millions of people who say that everyday KNOW that what they do and did are wrong, yet they continue doing them. Whether from a need for attention, because their friends are doing it, I don't know. But those who believe that what they are doing is right, yet they are doing wrong, are normally the minority.


No, I wasn't dismissing that, I thought we were talking about alternatives to it xD

But yes, sometimes people are just... sick. But in all seriousness, no one is doing an evil laugh or the like. The keep low profiles and even sometimes are normal people. I was watching Unsolved Mysteries the other day about a young guy who was hacking government and telephone company computers simply because he could. However, he still managed to be a normal person in 'real life'. He wasn't OMGEVIL!!!1, you know?

Whee, I start forest fires nowadays. XD Let's try another one: what do you think about the storyline? Do you map it out beforehand, or just let it flow from and to wherever it wants?

Heh... me = no plot. Ever. My mind is very odd in that it tends to do things without my concious knowing. I'll be going on and on, and then find that something that happened can tie into something that is happening by some chance. It's odd. I suppose it's not really a good way to do things, but meh.

As for the fanfic battle... I've been trying to fix my computer. I truly have the intent of doing it.

Maybe we should start a new thread for it and get it stickied or something. It'd be fun to organize... we should also post in the first post who is vs. who, etc. :D If we do, can I start the thread xD?

[Frostweaver]

Go ask Oni or Lily about it if you want a new sticky. However, I'm personally against it being stickied though I support starting a new thread for it. We have PLENTY of sticky O.o;;; Sticky loses its point if half the page is sticky threads.

[Casual Billy]

I didn't want to be branded "Lazy Billy" [I'm just casual] by anyone, so I thought I'd stop by and just let y'all know why I haven't written my part of the fanfic battle dealie yet. I have been busy. I just finished Crime and Punishment but still have more to do. It may take me up to a week to complete these assignments, so don't hold your breath. Hopefully, this won't disqualify me from participation, but I'd rather be a slacker here than at school, ya know? Well, cya!

[Negrek]

Wow, I missed the storyline question. I just gave Act a whole monologue on how I do that. I think I'll leave out the vampiric poodle bansais in this one, though... that was just strange...

I don't plan out my plot beyond beginning and end. What happens in the middle I know roughly, and I nail it down as I go along. Since I think up ideas faster than I write them out, I end up working far ahead in the story in my mind. This allows room for growth and expansion, and by the time I reach a part it's usually undergone several revisions. Like with my characters, sitting down and charting the plot would only hinder its natural growth.

And speaking of being lazy, Billy, I'm almost done with your chapters. I'll drop them to you at Serebii in about an hour, kay?

[Casual Billy]

Thanks, Negrek. I'll definitely feel beta when you do. [/worst joke on the internet at this time]

[Yamato-san]

Question: Does anybody know the relation of Hoenn/Kanto/Johto/Orre/Orange and Sevii Islands in relation to each other?

As you know, Jouto seems to be southwest of Kantou. Oore is past a mountain range that I think is west of Jouto. Houen is located far southern to, and a bit to the west of, Jouto. I recall seeing an official map of the anime's world (which included movie areas). According to it, the Orange Islands appeared to be in the same area where the seven Fire/Leaf islands are (south of Kantou). Maybe those islands are between Orange Islands and Kantou, just slightly more north-bound than the Orange Islands. Or maybe they're along the northwestern tip of the Orange Islands (I think the Orange Islands were slightly southeast of Kantou on that map). I don't know for sure. But unless the characters visit one of those islands in a future anime episode, it shouldn't matter anyway, because canon-wise, Orange Islands and the game islands shouldn't exist in the same continuity.

what do you think about the storyline? Do you map it out beforehand, or just let it flow from and to wherever it wants?

I try hard to map it out before hand. Though, as I said, characterization seems to be one of my rough-points, and how they interact throughout the course of the storyline, especially the middle, doesn't exactly come to me until later. Ironically though, I thought up a couple of future storylines where I thought up characters first, and then tried to think of a good setting to put them in.

[Frostweaver]

The world of Pokemon is based on Japan's geography.

Just set the bay outside of Vermillion as Tokyo Bay as the starting point, and you can easily find out Johto, Kanto and Hoenn. (I don't know about Orre cause I never played Col.) Kanto is obviously the area surrounding Tokyo Bay on Honshu, with Mt. Moon being Mt. Fugi on a rough scale. Directly connected to the west is the Johto area, with Cianwood being part of Shikoku. Houen isn't directly connected, but it's also to the west of Johto, with a bit to the south as well. On the opposite end of Shikoku will be the place where the Elite 4 is for the RuSaEm games. This means that technically, it's on the same island as Cianwood in terms of RL geography. Using this as a guideline, tilt your head a bit and you can shape out Hoenn as Kyushu.

Official game guide shows that Sevii Islands are southeast (but mainly south) of Kanto mainland.

The problem with this estimate is that Dewford, Lilycove and Sootopolis is missing out from the entire picture. Otherwise, this will be your definite answer.

[SilverBlaze09]

Hmm, more replies to a single post then I usually have. XD I feel soooo special... XD

No, I wasn't dismissing that, I thought we were talking about alternatives to it xD

But yes, sometimes people are just... sick. But in all seriousness, no one is doing an evil laugh or the like. The keep low profiles and even sometimes are normal people. I was watching Unsolved Mysteries the other day about a young guy who was hacking government and telephone company computers simply because he could. However, he still managed to be a normal person in 'real life'. He wasn't OMGEVIL!!!1, you know?



*grins* I see what you mean.

And in real life, so few people are that way that it's laughable. 'I am pure evil, ph34r me!!11!' lol, they usually laugh about their incredible power... XD

Heh... me = no plot. Ever. My mind is very odd in that it tends to do things without my concious knowing. I'll be going on and on, and then find that something that happened can tie into something that is happening by some chance. It's odd. I suppose it's not really a good way to do things, but meh.

*twitch* If you could bottle that, you could sell that. XD

I usually keep a fun ending in mind(can you say 'odd winners'?), and then whatever stuff I think of in the middle. Keeps teh old gears turning. XD

As for the fanfic battle... I've been trying to fix my computer. I truly have the intent of doing it.

Maybe we should start a new thread for it and get it stickied or something. It'd be fun to organize... we should also post in the first post who is vs. who, etc. :D If we do, can I start the thread xD?

First part: I don't think we ever doubted it.

Second part: If you're gonna be on enough to keep it updated. lol, if we get enough people to update it anyway. XD

[begging=for a beating]

I should be the one to start it, mainly because my superior brain is far more advanced then yours and therefore capable of much more activity then anything your could crank out. [/begging for a beating] XD

Gotta get off, will try to get back on later and edit. XD

»SilverBlaze09«

[Act]

xD

At this point, I've given up on my computer. Yes, I'm now using Ol' Gramps and his Windows 98 goodness. He's older than my little brother, which scares me.

You can do it ^^; I don't mind either way.

I'm so aggrivated now... I have like three things to post here that are all on my computer... curses... ::tries to figure out how she is going to do this::

[pokejungle]

If you PM me the problems you're having, I might be able to cite some ideas on how to fix it o.o;

Anyways, I'm off to check out the battle-thread-thingy XD

[Yamato-san]

I realize these are based off of real Japanese places, but I wanted to make things simple by just going by the official maps used to represent the games and anime.

Actually, according to official artwork, Cianwood isn't an island, it's a penninsual blocked from the mainland by a bunch of mountains (and since it's a penninsula, the whirl islands are actually within one large bay). It would seem as though they broke a little rule if, going by actual geography, it should be an island.

Isn't there some desert region in the southwest section of Japan (I forget the name)? If so, I'm pretty sure Oore would be equivalent to it, especially since I recall hearing it's beyond mountains west of Jouto.

Just wondering, but if Kantou is, on a rough scale, equivalent to a section of Tokyo, then would Jouto be comparable to Kyoto? Considering how many historical sites and temples are in Kyoto, and how Jouto seems to be a very traditional region, not to mention both areas being in a southwestern sector, I always had that feeling.

[pokejungle]

So the pokemon world is based on Japan's geography? o.o;

[SilverBlaze09]

I was gonna edit, but you posted. XD

Anyways, it makes sense that they'd base the pokèworld off Japan's geography. I mean, why not laud your home country as the main area in a world-spanning fad? XD

Does anyone have a whole map of the thing? If not, I forgive you. XD

Actually, according to official artwork, Cianwood isn't an island, it's a penninsual blocked from the mainland by a bunch of mountains (and since it's a penninsula, the whirl islands are actually within one large bay). It would seem as though they broke a little rule if, going by actual geography, it should be an island.

Hmm, maybe they changed some of the geography so that it wouldn't seem that they were unimaginative. I mean, I could make a fan region that's shaped like an exaggerated boot and call it 'Tilay', and I'd be called a n00b by those who instantly figured it out. Maybe I could even add a mountain range to the north and put it as the former center of an empire... XDXDXD a cookie to whoever figures out what country I b talking about. XD
So the pokemon world is based on Japan's geography? o.o;

That could be called SPAM if you're not careful. I will, however, take it at worth.

Yes, that seems to be the general consensus. XD Apparently, you can find these areas if you take a detailed map of Japan and look at it. XD

Question for the reviewers out there: when you find a lousy fic, and you concrit it and show how truly bad it is, and the author says he/she really wants to improve, what do you do?

I've had three to do that. One yelled at me later for 'gong beyond what he wanted, he just wanted a rate out of ten', another is really trying to improve over on Serebii(doing pretty good, too), and the I'm betaing for the third. XD

»SilverBlaze09«

[Dragonfree]

About the regions, my region was actually made up based on the Gyms. I was really strange when I was eleven so the first thing I did when I was about to start the story was to make a list of the Pokémon the main characters would have, their movesets (I thought very game-like) and the Gym leaders and their Pokémon. (I made some changes to that just so people wouldn't find it strange that no Gym leaders had ever had Hoenn Pokémon; otherwise I stuck to the original plan of Pokémon.) Then basically I made the characters travel between the towns that had those Gyms, quickly made a Gymless town when I needed one, and then later made that into a game-style map of the region.

Plots... well, I basically get a ton of small ideas for something to happen, and hope I get enough of them to get me to think of more ones. Then I piece that together somehow and try to make it make sense, and then I realize that something doesn't make sense and make up some confusing explanation. I usually insert that about twenty chapters after the thing that didn't make sense was.

[SilverBlaze09]

About the regions, my region was actually made up based on the Gyms. I was really strange when I was eleven so the first thing I did when I was about to start the story was to make a list of the Pokémon the main characters would have, their movesets (I thought very game-like) and the Gym leaders and their Pokémon. (I made some changes to that just so people wouldn't find it strange that no Gym leaders had ever had Hoenn Pokémon; otherwise I stuck to the original plan of Pokémon.) Then basically I made the characters travel between the towns that had those Gyms, quickly made a Gymless town when I needed one, and then later made that into a game-style map of the region.


*smirks* Heh, I should make a parody called 'we were eleven-year-olds'. It might win 'horror fic of the year' if I do it right. XD

Interesting. You sat down and wrote it out, then placed your stuff, then mapped it out and called it original.

Brilliant. XD No disrespect intended. You payed more attention to your stuff than many newbies do. XP
Plots... well, I basically get a ton of small ideas for something to happen, and hope I get enough of them to get me to think of more ones. Then I piece that together somehow and try to make it make sense, and then I realize that something doesn't make sense and make up some confusing explanation. I usually insert that about twenty chapters after the thing that didn't make sense was.
lolololololol XDXDXD

I like that part about confusing explanations. XD

Do you write them down, or do you keep them floating in your head?

»SilverBlaze09«

[pokejungle]

About the regions, my region was actually made up based on the Gyms. I was really strange when I was eleven so the first thing I did when I was about to start the story was to make a list of the Pokémon the main characters would have, their movesets (I thought very game-like) and the Gym leaders and their Pokémon. (I made some changes to that just so people wouldn't find it strange that no Gym leaders had ever had Hoenn Pokémon; otherwise I stuck to the original plan of Pokémon.) Then basically I made the characters travel between the towns that had those Gyms, quickly made a Gymless town when I needed one, and then later made that into a game-style map of the region.

Sounds...good. XD Not the way I'd ever come up with one~ I'd have to have everything planned out first =X [Not written down mind you SilverBlade ^_~]. But ya, it doesn't sound too bad.


Plots... well, I basically get a ton of small ideas for something to happen, and hope I get enough of them to get me to think of more ones. Then I piece that together somehow and try to make it make sense, and then I realize that something doesn't make sense and make up some confusing explanation. I usually insert that about twenty chapters after the thing that didn't make sense was.
Sounds confusing. o.o; I just plan everything out XD


I'M CHARACTER BYPASSING! w00t!

[Act]

My region... I drew a random outline and then put in cities where it made sense to have them. I don't even know what the gyms are going to be like yet.

Question for the reviewers out there: when you find a lousy fic, and you concrit it and show how truly bad it is, and the author says he/she really wants to improve, what do you do?

Same. I ended up betaing for one, getting flamed by the other, and getting a 'thanks but I can handle it' from someone esle. I always offer to beta if they really need it.

[SilverBlaze09]

Sounds...good. XD Not the way I'd ever come up with one~ I'd have to have everything planned out first =X [Not written down mind you SilverBlade ^_~]. But ya, it doesn't sound too bad.



Ahh, this isn't for rating Dragonfree's plotting ability. XD
Sounds confusing. o.o; I just plan everything out XD

This is the part where I say something clichè, like 'what works for somebody, might not work for someone else'. XD
I'M CHARACTER BYPASSING! w00t!

Tsk, you should just expand on your statements from the quote above. XD

My region... I drew a random outline and then put in cities where it made sense to have them. I don't even know what the gyms are going to be like yet.

*is pounding his desk while laughing* S-sorry! It's just that something struck me as funny about that. 'I just drew a random outline and filled it in with whatever looks good'. XDXDXD

Sorry. XP XD

Anyways, yeah. Did you fix the 'random outline' later, or just leave it the way it was?
Same. I ended up betaing for one, getting flamed by the other, and getting a 'thanks but I can handle it' from someone esle. I always offer to beta if they really need it.
Should be an 'almost' at the beginning. The guy who's improving elsewhere still asks me to look at his stuff, 'cause he's into 'by-the-game' fics, but knows that it's not good enough. I think he joined here, but he's never posted. XP XD He's slowly improving on his G/S and originality, so I'm happy. *sighs contentedly* If only all authors were as mature as sixteen-year-olds... XD

'nuther question(yet again): what do you think of songs in fics? As in, one or more of the characters sing a song. What are your experiences there?

»SilverBlaze09«

[Iveechan]

I almost never like songs in fics because I can't imagine how the tune would sound. And frankly, it's a bit corny.

[Frostweaver]

Sometimes you use songs in fics only for the lyrics really. I treat it only as the same thing as an excerpt of a poem.

[Dragonfree]

Heh, the plot in The Quest for the Legends is EXTREMELY confusing because of that... it's mainly because since I started writing it at eleven, there were LOTS of plot holes, and I'm so determined not to abandon it that as I grew older and got more reviews I just started covering it all up. For example, I randomly dumped some old parody Fakémon of mine that for no particular reason looked exactly like Mewtwo (and was named Chaletwo) in the second chapter when I first wrote it, and when I started thinking, "Hey, it's kinda strange for some completely different Pokémon to look exactly like another one, isn't it?" I, instead of just changing his appearance and pretending he had always looked like that, made up another fake Pokémon called Chalenor and the reason Chaletwo looks like Mewtwo. And of course, I made up a Gym leader who rather randomly had mysterious psychic powers, and then later I managed to make up a very important plot twist based on that. Actually, I get all my best and most unpredictable ideas from plot holes. I've considered just making mysteries without answers on purpose and then making up the answer sometime later, as then the answers will be much more interesting than if I plan out the answer along with the mystery. But I haven't actually done that - I don't think more sub-plots and mysteries would do The Quest for the Legends much good.

[Negrek]

I honestly don't remember what all of my region looks like. 0_o My brother and I drew a nice map of Auderiall, which I like, but it will be appearing later under a different (and hopefully better) name. I know pretty much all of the eastern coast of Waytar, but that's about it. That's about all my character is ever going to get to explore, so for now that's okay. I'm planning to do a complete map soon, however, in case I should ever want to revisit the region.

I know regions are supposed to be based off of Japan, but I pretty much say, "Screw it, if I want a big volcano here, then there will be a big volcano here!"

Ah, response to concrits. I've gotten all sorts. One kid sent me an angry e-mail about how my review saying that having his character start with a Mew was unrealistic, Stuish and stupid was unfair and that it was his story and he knew best. I sent him an incredibly long e-mail back explaining my point of view and highlighting the difficulties of using a pokémon like Mew in a fanfic. I never heard back from him...

I've had a couple of people get all angry at me and ignore what I say, even if they asked for help. I haven't gotten any reciprocal flames yet, which surprises me.

I also have betaed a few 'fics.

[Act]

*is pounding his desk while laughing* S-sorry! It's just that something struck me as funny about that. 'I just drew a random outline and filled it in with whatever looks good'. XDXDXD

Sorry. XP XD

Anyways, yeah. Did you fix the 'random outline' later, or just leave it the way it was?

Hey now, it worked :P Lol...

I smooted the corners out, but I didn't change it. I'll upload the map and post a link sometime.

Heh...

It actually came about weirdly. I needed a new region for another fic, but I only made one city. So, when it came time for writing 'Miscon...' I took that city as the basis for the region and went from there.

And yeah, as far as basing fanmade regions on Japan goes... hell with that. I'd like to see a fanregion based on another country... like Egypt or something. Now that'd be interesting... ::guards plotbunny::

[SilverBlaze09]

Ugh, one thing should be made clear:

NOBODY SAYS TO BASE FAN REGIONS OFF JAPAN.

If anyone has, please inform me of who they are so that I may stalk them for eternity(or as long as I want).

The only regions I know of that are supposed to be based off Japan are the base ones: Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and maybe Orre. Even those have some differences from Japan's coastline.

Anyways, besides that pointless statement, I wish to inform the (0) readers of 'Battlefront: Legacy of the Warriors' and the (2) readers of 'Yet Another Legend From Out of Time' that I'm discontinuing those two. I am gonna take them back to my hideout, fry them, and bring them back with different names, characters, tech and history, with a new region or two thrown in for good measure.

I say this so that the readers don't think I've abandoned them. XD

»SilverBlaze09«

[Dragonfree]

Frostweaver, I've posted a new thread for a new revision of The Quest for the Legends and would like you to move the review you have marked down already over to that version instead of the current one. Thank you.

[SilverBlaze09]

It dies again... XD lol sorry, too used to SuDCC and the mad Spambots there. XD

Anyway, back 2 bizness... XD

When you think up the title for your fic, what do you try to do? Do you give it a clichè name, so that the thinking will be kept to a minimum? Or do you try to integrate the basic plot in the title? Or do you just put an unrelated word or two as the title because the title isn't important, the content is?

I try to find a key part of something from what I'm basing my fic on. Like YALFOT: it was a parody, so I stuck the word 'legend' in it and said 'yet', to say that it wasn't. XD

»SilverBlaze09«

[Act]

Titles are the work of the devil.

I am so, so bad with titles. So bad. It takes me ridiculously long to come up with a title that describes the plot just enough, but doesn't give anything away and sounds intriguing.

:cringes: So, so bad at titles...

[SilverBlaze09]

Titles are the work of the devil.

I am so, so bad with titles. So bad. It takes me ridiculously long to come up with a title that describes the plot just enough, but doesn't give anything away and sounds intriguing.

:cringes: So, so bad at titles...
*chuckles* Perhaps there should be a 'FF writer support' for stuff like that. XD

I thought your titles were all right, by the way. XD

I have a harder time just filling in the extra space in my chapters. I'll be writing my merry way, with a coupla awesome and plot-affecting scenes to write, and then I can't think of a way to get my character from the first plot thing to the next part... XPXD

That support group keeps looking better... XD

»SilverBlaze09«

[Iveechan]

Guilty by Design... it came from a line in a song. I had planned to explain the history of hitmon, why they're always male, how Tyrogue came to be. So they're basically a human created Pokemon. Or, like dogs, they're heavily domesticated and bred to specialized combat. Being a Hitmonchan, Champ's destiny is to be a killer and servant to humans. Hence how the title would have eventually connected to the story itself had I continued it.

[pokejungle]

Titles are the work of the devil.

I am so, so bad with titles. So bad. It takes me ridiculously long to come up with a title that describes the plot just enough, but doesn't give anything away and sounds intriguing.

:cringes: So, so bad at titles...

The only title I really like from my works is "End of the Road" basically because it's what happens to a guy while he's driving through a long desert rode. And of course he wants to get to the end, but it ties in better than that ^_~

It's the one Frostweaver is going to review after he gets done with the ones before it~

Actually, I'd post it in other writing...actually, heck, I want to post it in Other Writing XD It's one of my very favorite short stories =D

[Strawberry Delcatty]

As for Hoenn Mirror World...

Well, I don't care about titles too much. If it has a nice ring for me, I'll go for it.

Regions... I don't really use the ACTUAL region, but I do make them into how I see them in a bit of a "parallel universe". While I've kept the basics of the region, I couldn't help but throw in some add ins. For HMW, for example, there are also sky routes as well land and sea routes.

[Frostweaver]

I can't believe you guys and your carelessness to titles... Title for a fanfic in a forum (PE2K, SPP, PC, whatever) is the ONLY eye catcher for your readers. Your fanfic's life and death depends on the title. Fanfiction.net got the 2 line short summary text at least, but forums... it's all about the title.

Hence, 5 marks on the Frosty markup for titles alone ^^

[pokejungle]

I agree with you Frosty.

If your title sucks, you don't get any readers ;; I've learned from experience =X

[Dragonfree]

Titles... X.X The horror...

*cringes* I made "The Quest for the Legends" when I had recently started the story. (First I just called it "my story".) I actually had no idea what the fic was going to be about at the time, and just chose that because it seemed cool and I had written a huge pointless chapter with boring game-like descriptions of all my old, lame legendaries. (I managed to clean a lot of them out; I had already inserted three into the plot when I started the UMR (a certain revision) so I couldn't remove them, but at least Hogia never got in (heck, that wasn't even a mix of Ho-oh and Lugia; it was more like a Ho-oh that knew Aeroblast and Transform for some bizarre reason) and I made up more sensible explanations of the ones I was stuck with existing.) Then much, MUCH later, I made an actual plot which the title could possibly work for. It's still a bad title, and still not quite fitting, but I've never been one for changing things like titles... besides that the fic is about WAY too many things for me to be able to think of a proper title for it. x_X

[pokejungle]

=X Sounds...interesting? o_0 I've never really done that. My first fic was only one chapter because no one commented and I killed it XD It started out with a boy crying on the sidewalk.

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=46497 <- I'd love some comments =D It's the "End of the Road" I was talking about before. Not that long of a short story.

[purple_drake]

Wow, titles - I love titles. I love names in general ^.^ I always have to make sure the title fits the story somehow - sometimes my stories can go nameless for ages before I find the right one. Generally I try to find a title which has relevance to the story, and that I think sounds good. *twitch* although sometimes 'relevent' 'sounds good' and 'i like it' just don't mesh. So relevence is my priority. Whether I change my mind or not is a different matter - but once a name is stuck, it's there for good.

'Fraid I can't say much about the regions, since I haven't made one (yet. I am planning to, for another of my as-yet-unbegun fics) but I'd probably map out the form of the region using random scribbles, find a shape I like, slap on some landmarks and terrains which look good, and then decide where cities are most likely to be considering the resources of the land.

[Yamato-san]

on the subject of songs, a doujinshi with a soundtrack would be pretty cool. I'd love to try my hand at writing my own Japanese song lyrics when I know more.... however, it'd suck because such lyrics would most likely never be integrated into a song. I don't know how to write notes, and even if I did, who would be a vocalist, and who would do the instrumentals? It could be possible for me to volunteer/hire (most likely the latter) people over the internet for all of this, but if the recordings are from seperate people and not one group, I'd have to combine the files in a way that they don't sound awkwardly crappy. Overall.... possible, but probably more than it's worth.

My brother thought up the name "Pocket Monsters Chronicles". I just decided to keep it, and as I went through the first version, I just left it as a random title with no bearing on the actual content. On the revision, I tried adding some scenes of Hiro chronicling to have the title make sense, and as an added bonus, I thought it'd be nice that the date could be kept track of instead of the readers not knowing how much time has passed between events and such, but I guess there's an easier way to do that than log the date every single day. Now, I think adding that chronicling part to the story was a mistake, so I think in future versions, I'll go back to just having it be a random title with little to no bearing on the actual story.

On future plots I plan to work on, I intend for the titles to be directly related to the content of the story. When it comes to chapter titling, as with most anime, I use a simple title that seems to be directly involved with that chapter's content. As you can see, I post the chapters' names in both English and Japanese.

[pokejungle]

I leave titles off my pieces for a long while too~

Like...I ended up using "Death" for one XD Just because I couldn't find anything to go with a situation dealing with a suicidal kid and a cop ^^;

Anyways, my current project is "Siren Town" which fits it. Not too much meaning behind it, just kinda describes the situation. "Bensone Manner" needs to be changed. It's another project, and I need a new title =X

[Nagoyaka Aikouka]

I tend to leave titles as well... I admit, "Hooves of Flame" is not a WONDERFUL title, but hey! It's better than my last fic: "Mew's Chosen One". Ehehe, points for gettting better? Perhaps the next time around, I'll think more.

[pokejungle]

lol

Is HoF a rapidash/ponyta fic?

[Negrek]

I don't have much problem with titles. Usually they come to me fairly easily, and sometimes I think up titles that float around for a long time, waiting for a 'fic that fits them to pop up (a la Eternity's Requiem). I'm pleased with most of my titles, except perhaps The Ninetales' Curse. Yeah, that one is pretty bad.

I have much more trouble with summaries. I stink at them. I just don't know why.

[Frostweaver]

YAY

FINALLY

I'm done with version 2 of the fanfic writing guide ^^ *just sent it in to the mods*
So I guess that I can finally fully concentrate on reviewing! Wednesday afternoon i'm away to work, so on Thursday I can review (and work at night).

Not sure if the mods will take the time to bold the titling and stuff, so sorry if it turns out hard to read, lol. I bolded them on MSWord but it doesn't like to show up in PC =/

[Iveechan]

Hey Dragonfree, you'll probably never do this, but I have a suggestion to your title. I think it should be "Quest for Legends" omitting the "the's". I say it that way in my mind all the time and, personally, I think it sounds better. Eh, I'm just not big on word repitition.

[pokejungle]

I hate word repetition too >.o It bugs the hell out of me in my RPs.

YAY! Can't wait to get that on my site frostweaver :P I actually waited for this, like you said I should o.o;

[Act]

Oh, let's talk about summaries ^^; I'm good at those.

I'm like the Queen of Paraphrasing. xD I can get anything down to a few sentences. Not awfully helpful in writing itself, but meh. Yay useless skills!

[Dragonfree]

I'm your opposite there; I couldn't summarize to save my life. People tell me I'm very boring when I'm telling people about something because I always go into too much detail. For some reason I tend to think like everything really matters...

[Act]

I have no attention span. I can't stand listening to someone else go on and on when what they're talking about could be said in one word, so I guess that's why I don't do it myself. ::shrug::

On a random note, I just posted a new fic ^^;; Do take a look.

[Nagoyaka Aikouka]

lol

Is HoF a rapidash/ponyta fic?

Indeed, is it that obvious? :P

I hate summaries. I'm too wordy, and I know it. Paraphrasing is NOT my strong point.

Random sentence of the day: Chapter 3's up! Check it out!

[IceKing]

I can't believe you guys and your carelessness to titles... Title for a fanfic in a forum (PE2K, SPP, PC, whatever) is the ONLY eye catcher for your readers.

Yes, that is completely true. I learned that the hard way. Whirl Island Quest and Wanzewald Pokemon Contest aren't very exciting titles, though when I added The Anime Parody! To the end of Waznewald Pokemon Contest, it got much more reviews and reads. Im still not sure what I should put as an alternate title to Whirl Island Quest, anyone have any tips? And my next fics title will definetely be eye grabbign since it shall be deemed "The F***** Up Finals" (with the astericks of course)

[pokejungle]

What'll TFUF be rated? xD

Hooves of Flame = Hooves Aflame?

Anyways, can't help you with WIQ =/ I couldn't think of one either =X Any good ideas on shortening summaries? There's a girl needing to shorten hers considerable for her editor. [My Neopets guild is a pretty hardcore writing groupe =D]

[Iveechan]

I really hate making summaries. I'm always trying to give as little info as possible but try and make it sound like it'd be a good and interesting read. Which is hard. How do you guys feel about summaries that end in a question? Like... "will she learn to overcome the obstacles?" or "can he find it in himself to do the blah blah?". Is it acceptable or corny?

[Act]

Anyways, can't help you with WIQ =/ I couldn't think of one either =X Any good ideas on shortening summaries? There's a girl needing to shorten hers considerable for her editor. [My Neopets guild is a pretty hardcore writing groupe =D]

:o I can help... what's the summary?

I love how that excites me xD

[pokejungle]

Ok, here's what she posted:

I'm writing a synopsis for my novel. The publisher wants six pages or less, and it looks to be about ten... how do you cut a synopsis? Does anyone have synopsis-writing tips?

[Negrek]

I really hate making summaries. I'm always trying to give as little info as possible but try and make it sound like it'd be a good and interesting read. Which is hard. How do you guys feel about summaries that end in a question? Like... "will she learn to overcome the obstacles?" or "can he find it in himself to do the blah blah?". Is it acceptable or corny?

I think that sort of thing is corny and melodramatic. When I see a summary like that, I almost immediately think, "Do I even care if she will learn to overcome the obstacles?"

It's trying to get people to empathize with the characters without even knowing them, I think, and it doesn't do it for me. *shrug*

Edit: What's the name of your guild, Katsuro?

[Frostweaver]

I personally also agree with Negrek that those rhetorical questions for summaries are corny. You realize that most published novels that are targetting young adults/adults will not use those techniques anymore. Usually, they will give a summary or a very basic run through of the theme instead.

Of course, summary writing varies depending on the audience that you're targetting.

[Strawberry Delcatty]

I've got chapter four of HMW up. Enjoy. :-P

[pokejungle]

It's called Authors of Neopia :P I started it with Saul ^^;

I still need to write that fic up too XD

[SilverBlaze09]

Heh, no more orange... XP

Sorry about my not getting the FFBattle story up yet, Negrek. We're kinda in a big job, and I accidently deleted my first try, so it might take as long as this weekend for me to get it up. XP

Hey, looky this! They came up with topics without me! XD

Summaries are easy. I mean, just say what the thing is about!

'Legends are boring. At least, that's what Goober Elkhorn thinks. Everybody's trying to catch one, but he thinks that they're more ugly and stupid than normal Pokèmon. For example, they're always saving the world, for Pete's sake! So, he stays as far away from suspected Legendary stomping grounds as he can.

But, like all people who want to stay out of things, he ends up having to team up with three legendary creatures to defeat a world-threatening organization. This is the story of one cynical trainer and three naive Legends...

XD See? XD

Of course, you'd hafta group it down some... XD

Question: What do you think about self-set deadlines?

I can't operate with them; I always end up late... XP

»SilverBlaze09«

[purple_drake]

Question: What do you think about self-set deadlines?

I can't operate with them; I always end up late... XP

I hear that. If I set them then it ends up being late, if I don't then it takes weeks to get done. -_-;; motivation... oich.

[pokejungle]

I think I need to impose a deadline on myself x.x;


You can just call me Mr. Procrastination. >.o;

[Act]

Question: What do you think about self-set deadlines?

I can't operate with them; I always end up late... XP

I don't see how it would work. What happens if I don't make the deadline? I fire myself? o.o;; I have no intitive to make myself do something when there's no consequence... which is bad, I s'pose...

I don't write well when I have to. I like things at my own slow, steady, procrastinatoriffic pace.

[Dragonfree]

Self-set deadlines are the only deadlines I can work with; I created a Pokédex for my website for its birthday once all because I had decided that I would finish it for that day. (Of course, something went wrong with the updating so I couldn't upload the Pokédex until two days later, but that's another story...) So yeah... if I *did* set myself a deadline for a fanfic chapter, I'd probably be able to do it.

Of course, it's very different how long passes between chapters of my fics, since it's basically that if I'm writing a fun chapter it may take like two days, but if I'm writing a relatively boring one, it can take weeks. x_x Well, boring to write, anyway; I hate writing battles, for example.

[SilverBlaze09]

lol, the concensus is, 'self-set deadlines are bad'. XD

NEW question: where did you first discover fanfiction?

I discovered the wonderful world of FF on SPPF. XD Can you say 'Chibi Pika'? XD

Speaking of which, do you know where she went? I mean, she doesn't update her fic much anymore... X{

»SilverBlaze09«

[Act]

NEW question: where did you first discover fanfiction?

I had been doing fanfiction for a while, but I didn't know it has a name or anything (much less hundreds of people doing the same thing). I heard two girls at soccer practice talking about harry potter fanfiction, so I googled 'fanfiction' and found ffNET.

The end!

[pokejungle]

I ummmm...discovered them on PC o.o; lol

Already I was a writer, but I didn't realize people wrote all about a certain fandom XD

[Lily]

I liked writing, didn't know a way to express it, so a former friend of mine shared fanfiction.net.

For nearly half a year, I didn't know how to upload things. XP

[pokejungle]

Never been to FF.Net. Is it worth a visit? o.o;

[Iveechan]

I discovered fanfiction in 1999. I spent a lot of time reading Mortal Kombat stories.

[pokejungle]

Sounds like a bloody good time :P

Oh gosh, I'm turning into an evil Xanth charcter! =0 Anyone else read Xanth? THE BEST humours fantasy series.

[Negrek]

'S okay, SilverBlaze09. I've hardly started on my version, seeing as I have three chapters that should probably get done first. I had problems with your character, but now that I've got him worked out I think it shouldn't be hard to write when I get down to it. Except that I'm gonna have to do a bit of research on Colosseum...

A friend of mine, whom I met at a book club at our library (book clubs= nerd hotspot XD) was very into writing X-Men fanfiction. She told me about fanfiction, and FF.net in particular, as that's where she posted her stuff, and showed me what she had written. I lurked around the pokémon section for awhile before I tried it out.

Self-deadlines = bad news. The only time I ever met one was when I tried to get an update in before my trip to Europe earlier this summer. I ended up having to spend time during my Word Processing final (which I didn't need to take because I had finished the class eight weeks ago) typing it up when I could have been screwing around on the internet instead, finishing it up when I got home the morning that I left, and not getting a chance to proof it completely before putting it up. It was baaaad....

[Strawberry Delcatty]

I always try with self-deadlines and fall flat on my face.

[SilverBlaze09]

Never been to FF.Net. Is it worth a visit? o.o;

By all accounts, it's a good place to go. I tried to go there, but I couldn't figure out how to work it... XP XD
'S okay, SilverBlaze09. I've hardly started on my version, seeing as I have three chapters that should probably get done first. I had problems with your character, but now that I've got him worked out I think it shouldn't be hard to write when I get down to it. Except that I'm gonna have to do a bit of research on Colosseum...

Comment 1: Phew! At least you aren't plotting my ruin... XD

Comment 2: I get the feeling Ima be pwned... XP XD

A friend of mine, whom I met at a book club at our library (book clubs= nerd hotspot XD) was very into writing X-Men fanfiction. She told me about fanfiction, and FF.net in particular, as that's where she posted her stuff, and showed me what she had written. I lurked around the pokémon section for awhile before I tried it out.

*twitch* You better not be calling yourself a nerd. I will be VERY put out if you are. XD

I mean, nerds have buck teeth, use pocket organizers, have big, square-rimmed glasses, and are looked down upon by nine out of ten people! XD Oh yeah, and they dress like they're always going to a meeting or something. XD

They are NOT commonly writers of fanfiction, and they aren't ph34red and respected reviewers. Like yourself. XD

Interesting. It looks like a lotta people got into FF via somebody else. XD

Hey, what happened to teh Mods?

I mean, LilyPichu is the only Mod to post here for the past, uh, hundred or so posts.

Where'd Niko go? XD

Question: How many of you have your own site/forums where you like hanging out and posting your stuff? Only letting an occasional friend have access to it, where you keep all your best stories and other stuff, like sprites? *raises hand*

»SilverBlaze09«

[Frostweaver]

@ Heart of the Magma, Purple Drake

Title- 4/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

-title is relevant, but it fits for any Team Magma story

-slightly overused in structure, as there are plenty "Heart of the ____"

Narrative Manner- 5/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

-3rd person omniscient definitely fits the purpose of this fanfic. Only through this narrative do we ever understand the thought of all the characters. This is especially important, and is evidently shown in the scene where the FireHeads gather to tell Maxie about the shipwreck.

Grammar/Coherence- 8/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

-I see that Act already mentioned some of the mistakes, so I won't repeat them here (or try not to)

In the hallway in front sounds repetitive with the 2 "in"s, it's also awkward in grammar but I can't offer a solution at the moment...

and knew she would blaze and knew "that" she would blaze

-it's practice, not practise. The spellcheck should have picked that up.

Tabitha frowned, raising his big hands in irritation. “I thought you’d tamed that one,” he snapped to the grunt.

She... There is a little problem with understanding who is "she." It took me some time to figure out that the "she" is the grunt.

It had amazed her how big the world outside the mountains had been; amazed and scared her. semicolon join independent clauses, so this needs to add an "it" before amazed.

Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

-excellent naming for Keegan! It cannot work possibly any better than to be called "descendant of flames." She's not bad of a character either. Though stereotyped so far, it is evident that she is on her own journey to self discovery. She's still a promising character, regardless of the current stereotyping ("look it's the innocent, playful round eyed girl again!") In terms of how interesting of a character, she certainly redeemed herself quickly on the shipwreck incident.

-have to love Maxie in this story... finally we got a reasonable explanation for the goof that Gamefreak or Pokespecial has never accomplished. For once, there is a reason for team Magma to do what they want to do. Through various ways, we see how Maxie cares for his daughter. The 'death' of Keegan is reasonable enough for Maxie to change everything Team Magma stands for.

-with the above in mind, readers can't help but start wondering what is Team Magma's goal before the 'death' of Keegan? The story didn't mention this one, sadly. Guess perfection is really impossible.

Minor Character(s)- 5/5
5Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

-I think that so far, supporting cast is getting more general attention than the main characters. Can't help but to pay an eye's visit at the Fireheads more than Maxie and Keegan themselves.

-FireHeads are definitely well balanced and properly introduced. Their roles in the base are explained fairely well, with little side stories made for teach of them. They're definitely interesting characters (who personally interest me more than Maxie and Keegan themselves. They keep the story interesting and entertaining.)

Story Details- 8/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

-like how the minor details from various Pokemon media are included in order to secure verisimilitude. The FireHeads aren't that commonly seen in fanfic (though all Magma fanfics should have them, somehow they don't)

-the base is pretty detailed itself. We know what facilities are in the Magma base, and some of the things that are inside. THis part of the setting isn't that relevant, but it's a nice eye candy.

“Duck it, Haze!” I don't know if this is a typo... Because it's possible that Keegan is calling Eevee by a nickname "Haze" which maybe short for Hazel. However, it can also be a tpo that left out the "l." The most confusing part is if Keegan is trying to tell Eevee to use an attack that it can't use? This one is so confusing... I don't know if it's an error, or an error on Keegan done purposely trying to use the haze attack.

-it said that Keegan only battled dark and fire types, which leads me to wonder where did all those annoying Magma Numels (ground/fire) and Zubats (poison/flying) go XD;; Not a mistake, yet I can't help but to comment on this.

-again, something strange about famous Pokemon not being used. In the shipwreck, I was so certain that they will be fine (or at least Keegan) because of Hank's Swellow. All the Fireheads have a Swellow (just like how the Aquas got Vibrava) and I was so certain that Hank will use Swellow at the end to save Keegan but probably risks death himself. However, Swellow was not even mentioned, and down the sea they go o.o; Really strange and hard to imagine that such an important Pokemon for Hank (one that he used many times in the manga) didn't even get mentioned.

Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable
3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious
2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious
1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable

-a well setup conflcit for Maxie. His rivalry with Aqua is really taht of "man vs self" personified by Archie as "man vs man." This complex relationship in conflict makes a bright future for this fanfic.

-Keegan's conflict is yet to unfold. She stumbled into Alto Mare, which is ironically the water capital. Most likely, I personally foresee another "man vs self" in which Keegan must try to identify herself without Team Magma's presense at all.

-Like what Act said, Team Magma seems misguided more than definitely evil. You know that Maxie is doing the wrong, but you cannot help but to feel pity for his loss. This situation makes it difficult to define good and evil.

Diction/Tone- 12/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

held evidence of many minor adventures. Minor isn't a very good choice here, as not only does it make an alliteration, but it doesn't contribute to the flow of the sentence either. Using "small" instead should help with the flow of the sentence.

-I personally won't use so much semicolons, as it's specifically used to suggest a very close relationship. If too many sentences got the attention of being specially related to one another, then the emphasis will lose its impact.

when they had travelled by helicopter this is a very awkward choice in tenses. Though grammatically this works (somewhat), this is strange because readers definitely question why the simple past tense isn't used instead.

-The story generally flows very well, but then there are oddball sentences here or there. If the story wants to go beyond good to excellent, focus on the flow of the story. Sometimes there are repetitions that aren't necessary. Alliterations are used for Maxie/FireHeads sometimes while Keegan doesn't get the alliterations that she rightfully deserves. These minor details will probably be the defining factor in terms of your improvement of writing in the future.

Story Structure- 13/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

-Really liked how transitions are used effectively between different scenes. It allows the story to flow smoothly from one point ot another.

-ahh... guess that the ever-so annoying Eevee is destined to appear. It is foreshadowed too many times but still ;o;

-a *very* strange thing... I start wondering if Harland is suppose to be Hank? At first I only thought that Harland is an original character, but as the story goes on, his relationship with Tabitha and Courtney seems to suggest that he is the last Firehead trios, which should have been Hank... Then suddenly, the real "Hank" gets introduced... It's really awkward. Look at this sentence:

But between us, Harland, Tabitha and I have found someone suitable. This sentence seriously suggest a closer relationship between Harland, Tabitha and Courtney than the Firehead trios, as if Hank isn't one of them while Harland is... this is probably the biggest confusion in the entire fanfic. If indeed Hank hasn't been promoted to a FireHead yet (meaning, this takes place before the time of Ruby/Sapphire then), the story should find ways to hint the readers about the time setting.

-Setting is unexceptionally powerful symbol, probably being the greatest story component in the light of this story. While setting is doing strong, I do sense a relative weakness theme... but hopefully this will pick up soon.

-a well planned out plot overall that explains many mysteries of Team Magma. The careful story structure really allows the readers to enjoy the story.

Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

-A good amount of effort is shown. There is evidence of careful planning in plot and its structure.

Literal Device Bonus- +3 /15 (Foreshadowing 1/1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion 1/2, Motif/Symbols 1/3, Theme /3)


Total: 91 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}


Haven't seen such a good "Team ________" story in a very long time.

[personal comment: NOOOOO it's another Eevee!!!]

[personal comment#2: I don't think that this is planned, but the christian insider joke is definitely hiliarious for me at the end of the story so far. It's a great pun. If this is intended... tell me and allow me to give you the 1 mark allusion that this joke so rightfully deserves XD]

[Dragonfree]

Heh, frostweaver, you made a typo in the word "typo" and wrote "tpo". XDDD

[Act]

How many of you have your own site/forums where you like hanging out and posting your stuff? Only letting an occasional friend have access to it, where you keep all your best stories and other stuff, like sprites? *raises hand*

I have site, but it's pretty much all-around access. ::pokes siggy:: Go there... now ....:P

Oh... you mean John the fisherman, frostweaver? Heh, I quite liked that...

[purple_drake]

Wow! ^.^ *does a little dance* thanks, Frostweaver, that's a boost to my semi-waning self esteem... now, there were some things I just wanted to reply to...

Firstly, I agree with the title *shudder* but it was the first thing that came to mind and it fit, so it stuck. With the practise/practice thing, I live in Australia :P so that'd be a matter of preference, really. As for the specific semi-colen mistake you pointed out, that was written deliberately as it was for tone.

-with the above in mind, readers can't help but start wondering what is Team Magma's goal before the 'death' of Keegan? The story didn't mention this one, sadly. Guess perfection is really impossible.

No, there was no room to fit in an explanation for the Magmas' goal beforehand, but rest assured that there was one - I'm afraid I can't explain it, though, since it's going to arise in the sequel, 'Choice and Consequence', and I don't wanna spoil anything.

-I think that so far, supporting cast is getting more general attention than the main characters. Can't help but to pay an eye's visit at the Fireheads more than Maxie and Keegan themselves.

This was worth a mention merely because I actually always considered the FireHeads to be major characters, not supportive characters - which was probably why I spent so much time on them.

I don't know if this is a typo... Because it's possible that Keegan is calling Eevee by a nickname "Haze" which maybe short for Hazel. However, it can also be a tpo that left out the "l." The most confusing part is if Keegan is trying to tell Eevee to use an attack that it can't use? This one is so confusing... I don't know if it's an error, or an error on Keegan done purposely trying to use the haze attack.

No, that wasn't a typo, it was a nickname; but since I always knew it was a nickname I guess I never saw how it could be confusing. I'd better change that.

-it said that Keegan only battled dark and fire types, which leads me to wonder where did all those annoying Magma Numels (ground/fire) and Zubats (poison/flying) go XD;; Not a mistake, yet I can't help but to comment on this.

You're right; I was thinking poochyena/mightyena and fire types (including numel). Zubats I completely forgot about... hmn, I should probably fix that...

-again, something strange about famous Pokemon not being used. In the shipwreck, I was so certain that they will be fine (or at least Keegan) because of Hank's Swellow. All the Fireheads have a Swellow (just like how the Aquas got Vibrava) and I was so certain that Hank will use Swellow at the end to save Keegan but probably risks death himself. However, Swellow was not even mentioned, and down the sea they go o.o; Really strange and hard to imagine that such an important Pokemon for Hank (one that he used many times in the manga) didn't even get mentioned.

-a *very* strange thing... I start wondering if Harland is suppose to be Hank? At first I only thought that Harland is an original character, but as the story goes on, his relationship with Tabitha and Courtney seems to suggest that he is the last Firehead trios, which should have been Hank... Then suddenly, the real "Hank" gets introduced... It's really awkward. Look at this sentence:

This sentence seriously suggest a closer relationship between Harland, Tabitha and Courtney than the Firehead trios, as if Hank isn't one of them while Harland is... this is probably the biggest confusion in the entire fanfic. If indeed Hank hasn't been promoted to a FireHead yet (meaning, this takes place before the time of Ruby/Sapphire then), the story should find ways to hint the readers about the time setting.

Heh *sweatdrop* this confusion is the result of my personal take on the pokemon world during this fic; I've taken bits and pieces from the games, anime AND manga. Harland is actually the anime Magma admin; Harland was his original name before they changed it, but that was how I knew him and I felt it fitted him better than the name they gave him afterwards. So he got put in there and Hank got pushed out as a normal Magma grunt. As for Swellow *sweatdrop* at the time of my writing I hadn't really read the manga properly, so I forgot that he should've had one. He only had a slugma. Whoops, plothole... gotta fix that.

She's still a promising character, regardless of the current stereotyping ("look it's the innocent, playful round eyed girl again!") In terms of how interesting of a character, she certainly redeemed herself quickly on the shipwreck incident.

In terms of 'redeeming', d'you mean the way she screamed and cried and was basically paralysed with fear like all little kids should be? :P lol, just struck me as an interesting choice of words...

I have been told I use too many semi-colens ^.^;; I'm making an effort to remedy that, but I was sure I'd edited HotM to fix it already. Hmn, come to think of it, that's probably where some of those repetitions and whatnot came from...

[personal comment#2: I don't think that this is planned, but the christian insider joke is definitely hiliarious for me at the end of the story so far. It's a great pun. If this is intended... tell me and allow me to give you the 1 mark allusion that this joke so rightfully deserves XD]

YUS! ^.^ I've been wondering if anyone would notice. Yes, that was completely deliberate :P

Thanks again for reviewing ^.^ I'm flattered to have been named in your 'standard of excellence'.

Oh... you mean John the fisherman, frostweaver? Heh, I quite liked that...

Heh ^.^ It was Simon and Peter, actually :P

[pokejungle]

Ya...I just read your fic and it ROCKED! =D

I'd suggest everyone read it ^^; Pretty long, but very engaging. I'm horrible at tearing fics apart, so, you're not gonna hear a harsh word from me XD

[Negrek]

I am working on a site. But it shall not be up for a long, long time...



*twitch* You better not be calling yourself a nerd. I will be VERY put out if you are. XD

I mean, nerds have buck teeth, use pocket organizers, have big, square-rimmed glasses, and are looked down upon by nine out of ten people! XD Oh yeah, and they dress like they're always going to a meeting or something. XD

Hmm, buck teetch, check. Well, six years of orthodontia pretty much corrected those, but now they're comin' back. Thank you, clarinet.

Pocekt organizers? Can't afford one XP

<< Those sound like my dad's glasses, except not square. Mine aren't square either, but they do keep sliding down my nose. *pushes glasses back up nose*

As for appearance... *looks down at dragon t-shirt with chocolate stains on it* Erm, no.

[Frostweaver]

Firstly, I agree with the title *shudder* but it was the first thing that came to mind and it fit, so it stuck. With the practise/practice thing, I live in Australia :P so that'd be a matter of preference, really.

Really? I didn't know that Australia uses British English so much =o

As for the specific semi-colen mistake you pointed out, that was written deliberately as it was for tone.
Semi-colon that's used lightly tend to get less and less emphasis on tone and strengthened relationship.

No, there was no room to fit in an explanation for the Magmas' goal beforehand, but rest assured that there was one - I'm afraid I can't explain it, though, since it's going to arise in the sequel, 'Choice and Consequence', and I don't wanna spoil anything. We don't need a detailed explanation in terms of exactly what they do. All we need is as brief as Maxie saying "No longer shall our organization be a ________ one. We will expand the land in order..." A fitting adjective there is enough to hint what is Team Magma doing before this land business.

This was worth a mention merely because I actually always considered the FireHeads to be major characters, not supportive characters - which was probably why I spent so much time on them. Major characters are a bit loosely defined sometimes. Seeing how everything is going, I keep my stand that only Keegan and Maxie are the main characters, while the others are probably support crew.

No, that wasn't a typo, it was a nickname; but since I always knew it was a nickname I guess I never saw how it could be confusing. I'd better change that. Nickname that is identical to an attack is what makes it confusing

Heh *sweatdrop* this confusion is the result of my personal take on the pokemon world during this fic; I've taken bits and pieces from the games, anime AND manga. Harland is actually the anime Magma admin; Harland was his original name before they changed it, but that was how I knew him and I felt it fitted him better than the name they gave him afterwards. So he got put in there and Hank got pushed out as a normal Magma grunt.
The thing is, the FireHead trios is definitely manga exclusive. That's why it's confusing to see someone else being part of the FireHead trio. If Harland is labeled an admin but not a FireHead, then it will be just fine.

In terms of 'redeeming', d'you mean the way she screamed and cried and was basically paralysed with fear like all little kids should be? :P lol, just struck me as an interesting choice of words... Redeeming as in she starts to grow in awareness, and starts to shake off part of her stereotyped character. "Man vs Self" conflict <3

Mark adjustment is made.

[pokejungle]

D&D kinda think would be more geek...

*geeks out*

I'm a total secrect geek XD

[purple_drake]

Semi-colon that's used lightly tend to get less and less emphasis on tone and strengthened relationship.

That may be so, but when used carefully its flexibility can also give added charm to a sentence.

We don't need a detailed explanation in terms of exactly what they do. All we need is as brief as Maxie saying "No longer shall our organization be a ________ one. We will expand the land in order..." A fitting adjective there is enough to hint what is Team Magma doing before this land business.

Ha, if it were that simple I'd do it, but it's a little more complicated than what could be told through a few words. Although... *mulls over* I might just be able to pull that off...

The thing is, the FireHead trios is definitely manga exclusive. That's why it's confusing to see someone else being part of the FireHead trio. If Harland is labeled an admin but not a FireHead, then it will be just fine.

Yes, I can see why it would be. Hmn, in a way, having Hank as a FireHead but unable to take care of Keegan is rather appealing... I might be able to do that, actually...

[Negrek]

Heh, yeah, I don't actually know the difference between a geek and a nerd, so I use them interchangeably. My bad, being all on about definitions and junk.

But yeah, on that topic...

I'm seriously backing frostweaver on that semicolon, purple_drake. Normally I stay out of other people's review hashes, but I feel rather strongly in this case, being a big semicolon fan. The way you used it was just wrong, and while I'm willing to bend in favor of artistic expression it simply makes no sense. Semicolons actually don't have much flexibility; they have only two correct usages, which, when compared to the comma, is a laughably narrow.

Actually, now that I look again... that sentence makes no sense. It's just a bad sentence, period or semicolon, whichever you choose.





...you don't want to get me started on a semicolon rant. IT IS NOT PRETTY.

[Act]

Heh, yeah, I don't actually know the difference between a geek and a nerd, so I use them interchangeably. My bad, being all on about definitions and junk.

Heh, I just call myself a 'closet dork'. I'm like the Queen of Closet Dorks. o.o;;

Oh, it was Simon and Peter? Either way, it was cute ^^;

[pokejungle]

I think a nerd is like UB3R smart and lacks social grace, while geeks are interested in the more overlooked aspects of our world. Like Dungeons and Dragons, comic books, Star Trek, etc

[Yamato-san]

nah, I think a "nerd" is anyone who has a high interest in computers and other electronics, and thanks to the internet boom, nearly everyone could be considered a nerd nowadays. Anyone who wants to try to be cool by calling themself a jock will only horribly backfire in today's world. "Geeks" are the ones who are so obsessed with said electronics and multimedia (sometimes, non-electronic media like D&D) that they have absolutely no social life, barely contribute to society if at all, and, in most cases, have well passed the line between being able to and being unable to distinguish reality from fiction. In other words, a "geek" could be the correct translation of "otaku" (I do not refer to the sugar-coated term that was adapted by anime fans).

[pokejungle]

OH o.o;

Anyways, I'm writing up a fic =D Finally been inspired!

I'm writing about a mentally retarded boy and his bellsprout. Very sad ;;

[Iveechan]

Nerds aren't just into computers. I thought that they tend to excel in anything academic (except sports, ho ho ho), and, unlike geeks, actually make something of themselves. My dad is a successful nerd, a lawyer/electrical engineer hybrid, yet he produced a geek child :P.

[pokejungle]

You're right Iveechan~

Nerds are the smart ones! >)

[Frostweaver]

A geek is someone who is involved with special performances that include the "geek" to put his/her head between in the animal's mouth.

How did geek lose its tradition meaning for the current one is completely beyond me.

[Negrek]

You people are confusing me. 0_o Forget I asked or made that earlier statement.

[pokejungle]

Not sure frosty :P

Anyways...you should ALL check out "An Innocent's Mind" So far I've only written up the prologue >(

[Frostweaver]

And just when I finished the review, I visited the Pokemontower as Katsuro bought up the topic. Clicked the button for "return to main page" and C++ error killed the fanfic review >_>; Sigh...

With this in mind, I'll try to retype it out of memory, so I won't actually quote stuff.

@ Hooves of Flames, Phantom Mew

Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

-any story that talks of Ponyta/Rapidash fits... it's very general this way. It only illuminates the reader regarding the protagonist's Pokemon, and that is all. A good title should be more fitting.

Narrative Manner- 2/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

-the prologue is completely destroyed by the narrative manner... The prologue is talking like a commentary. It is trying to explain things, and tell the reason why for the huge change from the Pokemon world the readers know and love. Have to keep in mind that a commentary is almost like an essay. It relies on heavy support with concrete evidence in order to carry out its claims. However, for a commentary narrative, the prologue doesn't have any of those qualities to explain such a dramatic transition.

-using "this is her story" is a really bad way to begin an in media res or a flashback... there are a lot of better and less-corny ways.

Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

-due to the error earlier, can't do any quoting for grammar, but then I found quite a bit before O.o;

-a lot of mistakes deal with the improper usage of independent clauses with conjunctions. Conjunctions join 2 independent sentences together. However, the way you used conjunction doesn't necessarily do that. Sometimes, one of the clauses are actually dependent.

-there are some run on mistakes as well. Be sure to remind yourself that "be" and "is" are also verbs.

-there are also 2 or 3 misspelled words. 2 of them are unacceptable, being an obvious mistake for the spellchecker. (I double checked Australia and British english this time too, so they shouldn't exist.) One of them is like "equpt" or something, instead of equip.

-there are some incoherent parts for the story. They are mentioned in other categories in the review because they are tied in with multiple categories.

Major Character(s)- 8/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

-Treena is a very limited character. Besides the facts that she's a horse fanatic and is passionate to help Ponyta from Team Rocket for no particular reason, we don't know anything about her. She is quite lacking in character development. We see this clearly when Ponyta uses flamethrower. Her fear lasts for one sentence's worth at the face of Pokemon's supernatural power, and that is all. She even brings the horse home, despite of the potential danger of Ponyta who actually has no relationship with her... The plot is advancing quickly, yet all the characters are staying the same.

-she helps out Ponyta without a single doubt that Team Rocket is the bad guys. It's "logic" according to the story. Well, logic doesn't work too well for Treena as Ponyta's flamethrower ability isn't all that logical either. This part of her character seems a bit unreal (and the story never told us that she is naive either, so...)

-Treena's clothing is really weird... She has short hair because it's too hot, but then wears jeans and in black too. I was thinking of pure white clothing with the shortless sleeves available. Later, she has a poncho just to make everything even more bizarre. Think the pancho was used as a disguise for Treena, but then the story isn't too clear with the concept.

-Vladimir has a bizarre way of thinking. He fears that Treena will enter the academy. However, the prologue restricts us to always assume that no one can enter the Sillion so easily. The prologue's restriction makes Validimir unrealistic in his thinking.

-You sure that "to rule with great peace" is a fitting name for a Rocket leader? Personally, I doubt that.

Minor Character(s)- 2/5
5 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

-we have a Penelope and a Henry as mother and father... ending up with the symbol for the greatest extreme in terms of a marriage relationship. Names seem to be very promising for some important and symbolicly relevant characters, yet they are doing nothing. They do not act as mentors, nor they even give any form of support to Treena... They exist for the sake of existing. If that is the case, then why give them names as if they aren't flat characters? I don't see why they are here at all so far...

Story Details- 7/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

-In fact, the setting will qualify for the real life universe if it's not for the names of the 3 region, and Slateport. One begins to wonder why the author doesn't let the story take place in real life at all. In practice, there is no difference between the Pokemon world (excluding Scilion) and the real world after that dramatic change.

-the entire Blanca scene makes the other experiences with the other horses awkward. She isn't doing too well with Blanca, yet is described as a galloping legend. This contrast is definitely awkward. I'm not sure if it's even suppose to act as a contrast too. But I'll wait on this to see if this event will be used later.

-there's actually some potential in story detail, but sadly they aren't being abused. For example, the fact that Treena is homeschooled can be quite important later on. The oasis is also very informative if manipulated correctly. Hopefully, you'll take good use of some of these details.

Conflict- 2/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable
3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious
2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious
1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable

-too obvious that it's going to be man vs. man, with Treena against the Rocket leader Vladimir (a russian leader instead of an italian leader now? haha). And then Treena shall be enrolled into the academy through some way or another, regardless of how Vladimir tries to stop her. Ponyta is going to be her Pokemon, and together they will put a stop to Team Rocket's whatever evil plan. When the backbone structure of the story is dug out so easily, there's probably some problems... Lack of character definitely affects the conflict. The other way to fix this problem is to change the story structure.

Diction/Tone- 8/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but are not relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

-there's actually plenty of words that are used with the wrong connotation in mind. For example, the Rocket uniform is said to have the "R" emblazoned. Emblazon is used only if what is being displayed wants to be seen in the light with high regard, or worth celebrating about. Team Rocket doesn't qualify for these attributes, so the word is used wrongly.

-I remember that the word "anal" is used somewhere. This highly informal and rough language is definitely not necessary. The narrator have to remain neutral if the narrator isn't taking the side of a particular character. Since the narrator doesn't side with anyone in this story, he must remain formal. On top of that, the rough tone isn't supported anywhere else in the story. This will really have an effect on your reader in terms of what they think regarding your literacy level.

-there are some other oddball sentences out there that's rather wordy, but is grammatically correct. Watch out for those.

Story Structure- 8/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

-never so thrilled on dreams that show a direct relationship between the characters and what is to happen. It's again, another very weak way to cast foreshadowing.

-story structures itself to be very predictable. It's straightforward, focusing only on the plot aspect out of the 5 components. The other components seem to be left behind.

Effort- 7/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

-use a spellcheck, and consider hiring a beta reader to help out with some obvious mistakes in the story

Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)

Total: 54

[pokejungle]

OMIGOSH! I'm SO sorry Frosty-dono! ;; I didn't mean to!


Great review though ^^;

[Strawberry Delcatty]

Just wondering, but would Lily or Niko lock Deepest Wishes (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=38879)? I realized that it was WAY too early to do a side story for one of the HMW characters, and it'll be better for me if I introduce her properly in HMW first before I work (on a better version of) DW.

[oni flygon]

Just wondering, but would Lily or Niko lock Deepest Wishes (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=38879)? I realized that it was WAY too early to do a side story for one of the HMW characters, and it'll be better for me if I introduce her properly in HMW first before I work (on a better version of) DW.
Glad to do so


No one noticed that I was on leave...

I'll still be on leave after today...