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DragonairKing2000
April 24th, 2008, 06:10 PM
The Rumbling Battle of Pewter City.
- When Alex Revrant, an eighteen year old boy, woke up from a long night of sleep, went to take a shower to get ready for his very first journey. After his shower, he went outside to walk towards his uncle Bill's laboratory.
- When he was in his uncles lab, he got his Blastoise ready for battle. "What are you doing with just one poke'mon?" asked his uncle Bill. "What do you mean uncle?" asked Alex. "You are going to get fainted really easy out there in the wild, here take my Omastar with you, I hear that the Pewter Gym leader is having battles and he been waiting for you, he said he's your special costumer." said his uncle Bill.
- When Alex ran outside the lab, he grabbed his bike and flew towards Pewter City. When he was in Viridian City, he healed his poke'mon from the poke'mon battling he been in Route 1. A few hours later, he was just outside Pewter City. When he was biking, he saw a man leaning on a tree. "Why are you leaning on a tree for?" asked Alex. "I'm waiting for a person named Alex." said the mysterious man.
- "I'm Alex." said Alex. "Are you then, come with me and we'll have a battle." said the mysterious man. "By the way I'm Brock, the rocky gym leader of Pewter City, I'm also the sheriff of this city also." said Brock. When Brock and Alex were ready, Brock brought out Golem for his first poke'mon. Alex brought out Blastoise to match up with Golem. "Blastoise, Hydro Pump!" said Alex with a fierce battling voice. Golem got hit hard with Hydro Pump but he wasn't hit hard. "Golem, Stone Edge!" said Brock with another fierce battling voice.
- Blastoise wasn't hit hard either but it was one on one still. "Hydro Pump Blastoise!" said Alex. Golem got hit hard again and went down hard. "Go Steelix!" said Brock. Brock was down to his last poke'mon. "Hydro Pump again Blastoise!" said Alex, but Steelix dodged it by swirving his snake-like body. "Steelix, Stone Edge!" said Brock. Blastoise got hit hard and it went down hard also.
- "Go Omastar!" said Alex. "Steelix, Stone Edge!" said Brock, but Omastar dodged it byt going in it's shell. "Omastar Hydro Pump!" said Alex. Steelix got hit hard but it stood the water power. "Stone Edge Steelix!" said Brock. Omastar tried to dodge it but it was to slow. Omastar got hit hard but it's shell didn't get weaken. "Omastar finish Steelix with another Hydro Pump!" said Alex.
- When Omastar got out of it's shell, it blasted a huge spread of water towards Steelix. "NO!" hollered Brock. When Brock returned Steelix to it's poke'ball, Brock brought the Boulder Badge outside for Alex to keep. "Here take this Boulder Badge, you've earned it." said Brock. When Alex walked out of the Pewter City Gym, Alex's uncle was there to congradulate him. "Bravo Alex, bravo. Here, take this poke'mon, it will beat Misty easily." Alex's uncle Bill gave him a Lanturn, a poke'mon from another region. "That poke'mon is very rare, it is not found in this region. It's the only poke'mon that will defeat Misty." So Alex hopped on his bike and rode fast as he could to battle Misty.

Astinus
April 25th, 2008, 12:41 PM
Okay, let's see here.

First off, basic formating calls for hitting the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph. Your story looks really squashed without the spaces between.

Next, make use of a free spell-checker online to catch spelling mistakes. One that I remember off the top of my head that you made was "congradulations" for "congratulations". (Remember, if you get a D, you can't get a congratulations.)

Then, proof-read over your story to catch repeated words. Like here:
I'm also the sheriff of this city also."
And to find other odd problems in your story.

And read the advice threads in the Lounge, since they'll help you with writing a bit.

-

Now onto the canon problems with this.

Why is Alex starting his adventure so late? He's eighteen. I can understand if you want an older trainer, but when the norm is ten, then perhaps some explanation could help ease confusion.

What happened to Prof. Oak? Last I knew, it was his lab.

Why does Alex have a Blastoise already if it's his first journey? And why would his uncle hand over a rare-to-find extinct Pokemon?

Your battles are extremely short, and will become rather boring. Alex is winning easily because he has such strong Pokemon.

Is Alex ever going to catch a Pokemon, or is his uncle going to keep handing him rare Pokemon so that he always has an advantage over others?

-

Your story needs some work on it. Read the advice threads, and take your time on the next chapter. Also, make the journey a bit harder for Alex. I know you want him to win all the time, but he can't, because that would just be rather boring.

I'll see how you'll do on the next chapter.

Alli
April 25th, 2008, 02:18 PM
She's back.

And she's brutal.

Kidding. Lets see what we have here...

First off, like Astinus said, this is a block of words. The Great Wall of Texta, if you will.

- When Alex Revrant, an eighteen year old boy, woke up from a long night of sleep, went to take a shower to get ready for his very first journey. After his shower, he went outside to walk towards his uncle Bill's laboratory.


Weh? This is like a list. It's like 'he did this, he did that, yada yada, moose, etc.' And what does the guy even look like? You could've done a lot more with this first statement.

- When he was in his uncles lab, he got his Blastoise ready for battle. "What are you doing with just one poke'mon?" asked his uncle Bill. "What do you mean uncle?" asked Alex. "You are going to get fainted really easy out there in the wild, here take my Omastar with you, I hear that the Pewter Gym leader is having battles and he been waiting for you, he said he's your special costumer." said his uncle Bill.

What? Since when do professors hand out Blastoise rather than Squirtle? And why would he even need an Omastar? Blastoise is plenty strong to handle Brock. And uncle Bill has a nice little run-on sentence there...

Alex's uncle Bill gave him a Lanturn, a poke'mon from another region.

Weird...

Well, I'm about to leave. All I can say is that there's a lack of description, paragraphs, and also, I'd like to know why there's -'s everywhere. Just check out some stickies in the lounge is all I've got to recommend.

-Silver </3

Post Office Buddy
April 25th, 2008, 03:51 PM
WTF? I saw this and I thought to myself, "oh my, large block of text. It's bound to be poorly written." And sadly, I was right. Although Astinus and Silver have told you things to do to fix this, I'm going to demonstrate what you should have done by quoting the entire chapter and putting suggestions in bold parenthesis. Spelling mistakes will be corrected and bolded to help you find them.


The Rumbling Battle of Pewter City. (You should have stated that this is the name of the chapter by bolding or italicizing the name)

When Alex Revrant, an eighteen year old boy, woke up from a long night of sleep, (he) went to take a shower to get ready for his very first journey. After his shower, he went outside to walk towards his Uncle Bill's laboratory. (Needs more description, like his journey to the shower and stuff like that. Don't need to describe the shower itself; that's just weird. It sounds awkward the way you have it now. Uncle is also a proper noun when referring to a specific uncle.)

When he was in his uncle's lab, he got his Blastoise ready for battle. (Okay, where did the Blastoise come from? If he was starting his journey, he wouldn't have a Pokemon yet, especially not a Blastoise as it needs training to evolve. Where would he have trained if it was his first journey? Describe how he got the Blastoise better.) "What are you doing with just one Pokemon?" (Capitalize "Pokemon" and don't add in the apostrophe. It's rather annoying to see, since in handwriting there is no apostrophe, just an accented "e") asked his uncle Bill. (Again, more description.)

"What do you mean, uncle?" asked Alex. (Describe his facial features, his pose, etc. There is so much you could do here!)

"You are going to get fainted (defeated would have been a better word.) really easy out there in the wild. (no comma necessary.) Here, take my Omastar with you. I hear that the Pewter Gym leader is having battles and he's been waiting for you. He said he's your special costumer," said his uncle Bill. (Comma errors galore here. You used them excessively throughout most of the dialog until you reached the end, and you ended with a period, which is a no-no. More description is needed here as well.)

(Add some sort of transition here. It's annoying to go from him listening to his uncle to him biking to Pewter City.)
When Alex ran outside the lab, he grabbed his bike and flew (Maybe "rode quickly" or "rode excitedly") towards Pewter City. When he was in Viridian City, he healed his poke'mon from the Pokemon battling he done on Route 1. A few hours later, he was just outside Pewter City. (Invert the sentence preceding this.) When he was biking, he saw a man leaning on a tree.

"Why (If you are going to use "for" [which you shouldn't since you're ending a sentence in a preposition that way] then you should use "what" instead of "why".) are you leaning on a tree for?" asked Alex.

"I'm waiting for a person named Alex," said the mysterious man.

"I'm Alex," said Alex.

"Are you then? come with me and we'll have a battle." said the mysterious man. "By the way I'm Brock, the rocky gym leader of Pewter City. I'm also the sheriff of this city." said Brock.

When Brock and Alex were ready, Brock brought out Golem for his first Pokemon. Alex brought out Blastoise to match up with Golem. "Blastoise, Hydro Pump!" said Alex with a fierce battling voice. Golem got hit hard with Hydro Pump but he wasn't hit hard. (What's up with that? You just said that he got hit hard with Hydro Pump, but wasn't hit that hard. You completely contradicted yourself there.)

"Golem, Stone Edge!" said Brock with another fierce battling voice.

Blastoise wasn't hit hard either but it was one on one still. "Hydro Pump Blastoise!" said Alex. Golem got hit hard again and went down hard. (Why use Hydro Pump twice in a row? Spice it up a bit and use something different, like water pulse or something.)

"Go Steelix!" said Brock. Brock was down to his last Pokemon.

"Hydro Pump again Blastoise!" said Alex, but Steelix dodged it by swirving his snake-like body. (AGAIN with the Hydro Pump! You should be much more creative than that. This emulates the things people do in game, using the same attack over and over until they run out of PP or win the battle.)

"Steelix, Stone Edge!" said Brock. Blastoise got hit hard and it went down hard also.

"Go, Omastar!" said Alex.

"Steelix, Stone Edge!" said Brock, but Omastar dodged it by going into it's shell. (Get rid of that apostrophe; right now you are saying it dodged it by going in it is shell.)

"Omastar Hydro Pump!" said Alex. Steelix got hit hard but it withstood the water power.
"Stone Edge Steelix!" said Brock. Omastar tried to dodge it but it was to slow. Omastar got hit hard but it's shell didn't get weaken.

"Omastar, finish Steelix with another Hydro Pump!" said Alex.

When Omastar got out of it's shell, it blasted a huge spread of water towards Steelix. "NO!" hollered Brock. When Brock returned Steelix to it's Pokeball, Brock brought the Boulder Badge outside for Alex to keep. "Here, take this Boulder Badge, you've earned it." said Brock. When Alex walked out of the Pewter City Gym, Alex's uncle was there to congratulate him.

"Bravo Alex, bravo. Here, take this Pokemon, it will beat Misty easily." Alex's Uncle Bill gave him a Lanturn, a Pokemon from another region. "That Pokemon is very rare, as it is not found in this region. It's the only Pokemon that will defeat Misty." So Alex hopped on his bike and rode fast as he could to battle Misty. (Rather abrupt end. Also, you made quite a false statement. MANY Pokemon can defeat Misty, like anything electric.)

Right now, I am wondering how this didn't end up in the revision bin. There is an obvious lack of development and you offer meager detail. The story itself is generic, offering nothing new other than the fact that Alex starts off with a fully evolved Pokemon. The entire chapter annoyed me quite a lot, since I felt I knew little about the characters and thought you overpowered everyone's Pokemon. Seriously, how does Brock have a Steelix when he is the first gym leader? It makes no logical sense, and is in no way realistic (for Pokemon, that is.) You may want to take a look at the stickys and actually read some of the other fan fictions here before attempting to continue this one. There are plenty of writers here who are held in high esteem, and you would do well to study their work. If you want more specific references of established fan fictions here, then I can send you links to each via Private Message.

I know that my review may have discouraged you, but don't worry about it. Everyone has to start off somewhere, and it only takes a matter of time to produce quality work. Just work at it and by no means quit writing, since exceptional writing skills are almost essential if you want to be successful in life. Too many people have already quit writing because of a bad review. Don't be one of them. I guarantee that everyone here has had bad reviews once or twice, even myself.

DragonairKing2000
April 25th, 2008, 09:01 PM
AL! I love this, you guys posting stuff about my story, I like it. I'm going to go with the first guys' idea because I looked through it and it looks crambed. Sorry but I do suck at spelling long words, I'm like a first grader at spelling but oh well it's me. But If you guys want, PM me and tell me some stuff because that's how my stories what I write are great.

QUESTIONS get ANSWERS.
1. Why is Alex starting his adventure so late? He's eighteen. I can understand if you want an older trainer, but when the norm is ten, then perhaps some explanation could help ease confusion.
"Well since he been drawing poke'mon so long ago when he was in his earlier years, his unlce was just ending his poke'mon capturing era, and when Alex was so into poke'mon, when he was bored of drawing sometimes, he goes into his uncles lab and trains with him."

2. What happened to Prof. Oak? Last I knew, it was his lab.
"When the ealier champion ASH got crowned, Ash, Gary, Prof. Oak, and the others moved to the next region to look for new poke'mon."

3. Why does Alex have a Blastoise already if it's his first journey? And why would his uncle hand over a rare-to-find extinct Pokemon?
"Alex has his Blastoise already because when him and his uncle was training it, the Squirtle eventually evolved into Wartortle and then Blastoise."

Your battles are extremely short, and will become rather boring. Alex is winning easily because he has such strong Pokemon.
"Yeah I know, I don't usually have much detail for poke'mon battling."

4. Is Alex ever going to catch a Pokemon, or is his uncle going to keep handing him rare Pokemon so that he always has an advantage over others?
"Well if you want Alex to catch a poke'mon, why wouldn't you just say so, I'll write down that Alex catches a poke'mon."

Post Office Buddy
April 26th, 2008, 10:04 AM
"Well since he been drawing poke'mon so long ago when he was in his earlier years, his unlce was just ending his poke'mon capturing era, and when Alex was so into poke'mon, when he was bored of drawing sometimes, he goes into his uncles lab and trains with him."The problem with your explanation in your latest post is that you never included that information in the actual chapter. You seem to assume that we know that he has been drawing Pokemon for years and helping his uncle in the lab, but never hint that fact to us. You could have so easily added this information to the chapter and made it more interesting to read.

"When the ealier champion ASH got crowned, Ash, Gary, Prof. Oak, and the others moved to the next region to look for new poke'mon."For the Professor Oak thing, you should have explained that in the chapter. This, too, would have provided length. You again didn't take into account the fact that we don't know where they went, and instead confused us on this.

"Alex has his Blastoise already because when him and his uncle was training it, the Squirtle eventually evolved into Wartortle and then Blastoise."Again, we have no idea that he trained Squirtle in the lab BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOLD US. You need to start thinking about these kinds of things when you write chapters. Always ask yourself what the reader may ask about.

"Yeah I know, I don't usually have much detail for poke'mon battling."If you're having trouble adding detail into your battles, then read other fanfics. Many fanfics here do a nice job of rendering Pokemon battles, so take a leaf from their book and follow the same idea.

"Well if you want Alex to catch a poke'mon, why wouldn't you just say so, I'll write down that Alex catches a poke'mon."Considering that was the first reply to your thread, he did say so. Also, Alex being handed super rare Pokemon makes the story more unbelievable and dull. He needs to catch something weak and train it to become strong; he shouldn't even have a strong Pokemon to begin with! There is one way, however, that you can give someone a super powerful Pokemon and make it seem more right. In my fic, I gave one of my characters a Mew, but also tweaked the story a bit so that Mew disliked fighting, and I don't intend to ever have it fight a battle. That would be unfair to the other trainers in the fic, and makes the character seem more human. And the fact that Alex doesn't seem to lose a battle just makes him seem less human.

I'm going to go with the first guys' idea because I looked through it and it looks crambed.Umm, you should look at more than just the first review. All of our reviews are here for a reason. We are trying to help you write your story better, but if you neglect mine and Silver's review, then you are only cheating yourself of the opportunity to improve. Both Silver and I presented information that differs from that presented by Astinus, and therefore taking all of our advice is the best choice. I highly suggest reading through what Silver and I said and take it into consideration. If you don't change your method of following reviews, then you may find a substantially smaller number of people willing to review you fic.

Again, I must stress the fact that you MUST read other people's fan fictions. There is no shortage of stories here, and you have no excuse for even thinking about writing a fic without viewing someone else's first. You also have to read through mine and Silver's reviews, no matter how aggressive they may seem. Right now you have three people who are trying to help you, and listening to just one will get you nowhere. If you read all three opinions, then your writing will only become stronger.

Oh, and BTW: You quote by typing the word "quote" between the brackets [ ] before the text you want to quote, and you end the quote with the text "/quote" between the same [ ] brackets. You don't place the word in quotations when you do this, though. That was just there so you could see what word I was indicating.

TheDeadpool
April 27th, 2008, 12:03 PM
eek... scariness factor. ok im only gonna critique your battle, because everyone else has already covered what i was gonna say about it anyway.

-<whats with the hyphens? Are you grocery shopping or writing?> "I'm Alex." said Alex. "Are you then, come with me and we'll have a battle." said the mysterious man. "By the way I'm Brock, the rocky gym leader of Pewter City, I'm also the sheriff of this city also."<the sheriff thing was unnecessary. and how would Brock know Alex? it just doesnt make sense> said Brock. When Brock and Alex were ready, Brock brought out Golem for his first poke'mon. Alex brought out Blastoise to match up with Golem. "Blastoise, Hydro Pump!" said Alex with a fierce battling voice. Golem got hit hard with Hydro Pump but he wasn't hit hard. <ok so he was hit hard, but wasnt hit hard? does that even make sense to you? Honestly....>"Golem, Stone Edge!" said Brock with another fierce battling voice.
- Blastoise wasn't hit hard either but it was one on one still.<what? if he wasnt hit hard, why would you need to tell us its still one on one? "Hydro Pump Blastoise!" said Alex. Golem got hit hard again and went down hard. "Go Steelix!" said Brock. Brock was down to his last poke'mon. "Hydro Pump again Blastoise!" said Alex, but Steelix dodged it by swirving his snake-like body. "Steelix, Stone Edge!" said Brock. Blastoise got hit hard and it went down hard also.
- "Go Omastar!" said Alex. "Steelix, Stone Edge!" said Brock, but Omastar dodged it byt going in it's shell. "Omastar Hydro Pump!" said Alex. Steelix got hit hard but it stood the water power. "Stone Edge Steelix!" said Brock. Omastar tried to dodge it but it was to slow. Omastar got hit hard but it's shell didn't get weaken. "Omastar finish Steelix with another Hydro Pump!" said Alex.
- When Omastar got out of it's shell, it blasted a huge spread of water towards Steelix. "NO!" hollered Brock. When Brock returned Steelix to it's poke'ball<ugghh.... ok so Alex's and Brock's pokemon only know one attack each? that was the worst portrayal of a pokemon battle i have ever seen. not to mention how the main character starts off with a fully leveled blastoise and an Omastar. Please spend more time on the next fan fic you write.>

DragonairKing2000
April 30th, 2008, 02:18 PM
Alright, since you don't have a imagination like me and the same style of writing I have, why won't you just read my younger brothers poke'mon story.

Ninja Caterpie
May 1st, 2008, 03:00 AM
Wah man... let him go with it...
Read them, take notice of them and improve. Simple.
That's what you do in basically everything.
Well, not much to say here... Short chapters...
Well, I still can't wait to see how much you've improved.
Maybe be a bit more creative in the battling area.
More than one move, anime-style battling etc.