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Adrian Johnson
April 25th, 2008, 10:55 PM
Chapter 1: The Epic Battle of War.
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Alright, Adrian is a ten year old boy that wanted to be a poke'mon trainer his whole entire life. One night, he was watching a poke'mon show that was on television. His mom walked in and said to keep the noise down because she was trying to go to sleep. Adrian turned the volume down and his mother also said that he should go to sleep also because he had a big day tomorrow.

The next day when Adrian woke up, he took a shower, got dressed, and headed towards Professor Oak's lab. Adrian entered Oak's lab and he saw Professor Oak waiting for Adrian with his poke'mon. Adrian looked at the poke'mon and he was so excited that the poke'mon squirted water at him.

Adrian got his poke'mon and started heading out to start his very first poke'mon journey. When he was about to head out, Professor Oak told him that he forgot his poke'balls and his poke'dex as well. Professor Oak handed them to Adrian and Adrian headed out to Viridian City.

When was walking just to get into Route 1, his mom started talking to him and she said that he should be careful. When Adrian's mom walked back into their house, Adrain walked into the deep grasses of Route 1.

When Adrian was walking along the route, he spotted a Pidgey eating some berries from a tree. Adrian sneaked towards the Pidgey and tried to catch it with his jacket but the Pidgey got away. When Adrian saw the same Pidgey again, he sent out his Squirtle to attack it.

When Squirtle came out of it's poke'ball it sounded really excited to battle for the first time. When Squirtle used tackle, the Pidgey flew up high to dodge it and it used tackle. Squirtle got hit but he kept on going at it. Squirtle used tackle agian, and it hit this time. When Pidgey used tackle for the second time, Adrian closely looked at Pidgey for the right moment to throw his first poke'ball at it.

Pidgey's beak hit the poke'ball and it went inside. The poke'ball was moving side to side and when it stopped, Adrian jumped high because he caught his first poke'mon, and it was a Pidgey. When he was continuing his walk in Route 1, he spotted a Rattata so he sent out Pidgey but when Pidgey came out, it looked beat up so Adrian made it come back and he sent out Squirtle.

When Squirtle came out, Adrian decided not to catch the Rattata because he thought that his Pidgey would run after it because it was a rat-like poke'mon. Squirtle used tackle to damage it a little but instead of a little, it damaged it alot. When Rattata got attacked, it ran away from the danger.

When Rattata ran away, Adrian saw the sign that said "Viridian City Ahead". Adrian ran to get to the poke'center to heal his Pidgey. Later on, he entered the poke'center and then when he was waiting for his poke'mon to heal, Adrian saw a group of poeple stealing other people's poke'mon.

Adrian tried to stop the crooks from stealing but one of them smacked him across the face so hard that he flew back from his seat. The two people that were trying to steal other peoples poke'mon looked like they wanted a poke'mon battle so when Adrian's poke'mon was ready, he sent out Pidgey.

When Pidgey was flying around for an intruder to come attack, one of the crooks took out a Spearow. The two flying poke'mon flew up high and attacked each other until one of them got beat real hard. Later, the flying battle kept on going and when Spearow pecked Pidgey in the chest, Pidgey came down but it flew back up and hit Spearow with a huge tackle.

Spearow was down so one of the crooks that Adrian was battling sent Spearow back to it's poke'ball. The second crook came in and she sent out an Ekans. When Ekans came out, Adrian sent Pdigey back to it's poke'ball and he sent out Squirtle. Squirtle came out and Adrian made it use bubble.

When Ekans went blind by bubble, Squirtle had the chance to attack once more and then it used tackle. Ekans cleaned off the acidy feeling off its face with its tail and then the Ekans jumped on Squirtle and squeezed the body with wrap. Adrian thought it wasn't fair so he sent out Pidgey.

When Pidgey came out, the male crook sent out Spearow to attack Pidgey once more. When Ekans was looking into Squirtles eyes, Squirtle used bubble again to get Ekans away from it. Adrian had enough of the crooks standing in the poke'center so Adrian told Pidgey to use gust.

A huge power of wind gathered up and it went towards the two crooks. The crooks later on flew back towards the glass window. When they hit the window, the glass broke and they kept on flying and then they hit a building. Adrian made Pidgey and Squirtle return to their poke'balls and then he walked towards where the crooks landed.

When Adrian peeked, the crooks where by a police bike with a police officer was on it. When the police officer got off, she dragged them on the bike and sent them to jail. Adrian went back to the counter and told the nurse to heal his poke'mon again so she did and Adrian went outside of the poke'center and he didn't know it but it was dark outside.

When he left Viridian City, he kept on going and his next destination was the Viridian Forest. When Adrian kept on going without rest, he spotted a Spearow in the grass. Adrian sent out Pidgey to attack it with great force. Pidgey used gust to blind the Spearow then it used tackle.

Spearow suddenly flew away and then instead of Pidgey going back to it's poke'ball, Adrian decided that Pidgey was going to be on his shoulder. When Adrian moved on forth to Viridian Forest, he spotted another Spearow but the Spearow flew away.

When Adrian entered the Viridian Forest, there was a poke'mon trainer blocking the trail. The poke'mon trainer was looking for a fight so Adrian made Pidgey go in for the first round. The poke'mon trainer sent out Caterpie and the Caterpie used tackle but Pidgey flew high and used a powerful tackle.

The Caterpie was down already and when Adrian thought that Pidgey didn't have much of a battle, that he told to himself that he would have Pidgey out for another round. The poke'mon trainer sent out a Weedle and the Weedle used string shot.

Pidgey tried to block it but the shot got it. The string wrapped around Pidgey like what the Ekans did to Squirtle so Adrian made Pidgey use gust to get the string off. Pidgey flew up high and the Weedle tried to catch it by using poison sting but it missed and Pidgey came flying down with a huge tackle.

The match was over with and Pidgey was getting tired so Adrian put it inside it's poke'ball to relax. When Adrian was walking along the forestry path, Pikachu. The Pikachu looked mean so he sent out Squirtle because Pidgey wasn't in the mood to fight anymore.

When Squirtle came out, Squirtle used tackle to hit the Pikachu. Later, Adrain saw that lightning bolts were coming out of it's red cheeks so he quickly made Squirtle tackle it again. Squirtle always looked ready to fight but when Adrian saw Pikachu down, he threw a poke'ball at it.

Pikachu was caught and then Adrian jumped up high with excitement once again. Later on, Adrian was still walking in the Viridian Forestand it was still dark outside. When Adrian saw a sign that said "Coming Up, Route 2" he was amazed that he thought that he wasn't going to make it out alive.

When he entered Route 2, he saw many poke'mon that he seen before so when he tried to ignore them, a Pidgey, a Rattata, and a Spearow was ganging up on him. Adrian sent out Pikachu and Squirtle because Pidgey still wasn't in shape for battle. When Squirtle came out, it used tackle on Rattata and when Pikachu came out, it used thundershock on Pidgey and Spearow both.

The three gang poke'mon wasn't a match for Adrian's Pikachu and Squirtle so he kept on going until he entered Pewter City. When Adrian was in Pewter City, he went to the poke'center to heal his poke'mon from the battling they done. When he was waiting for his poke'mon to heal, he saw a peice of paper that said "Poke'mon League Started, get your eight badges to enter the Elite Four."

Adrian was excited so he went to a telephone and called up his mom to tell her that he was in Pewter City and that he was going to join the poke'mon league. When his poke'mon were done healing, he hung up the phone and headed towards the Pewter City Gym.

When he saw the gym, he entered it and when he got inside, it was pitch black. He heard a voice nearby and then when he heard a clap, the lights came on and the rock layout on the sides moved in. "My name is Brock, you are my first challenger, that's good, let's battle."

When the battle began, Adrian sent out Pidgey to start things off. Brock laughed and he sent out Geodude. Geodude used tackle and Pidgey was seriously hurt. Adrian made Pidgey return and he sent out Pikachu. "Did you hear, that electric type poke'mon are weak against ground type poke'mon so your little pikachu is going to be rolled." said Brock with a serious temper.

Pikachu used thundershock but it didn't effect Geodude. Geodude used tackle and Pikacu was seriously hurt as well. Adrian sent back Pikachu and sent out Squirtle. When Squirtle came out, it used bubble and it made Geodude weak. Geodude defended itself with defense curl and then it used tackle.

Squirtle got it but not hard so it used bubble again and it weaken Geodude more. When Geodude used tackle again, Squirtle jumped high and used bubble. Geodude was down and Brock made Geodude return and he sent out Onix.

"Meet Onix, my wall that no one will break." Onix used tackle and it seriously hit Squirtle badly. Squirtle stood up from the horrible blow and it used bubble. It made Onix blind and Adrian wanted to make something special for Brock so Adrian made Squirtle jump on Onix and run up it to use bubble again on Onix's head.

When bubble hit Onix, Squirtle gently jumped down onto the surface to make sure that Onix went down hard. Onix stood up and when Adrian saw Onix standing, he didn't believe it that Onix would survive two bubble attacks. When Onix had a good eye on Squirtle, he fully charged a tackle attack towards Squirtle but Squirtle jumped high enough to get on top of Onix again and it ran towards Onix's head and used bubble one more time.

When Onix finally came crashing down, Adrian didn't believe it that he got his first badge from the poke'mon league. "Here take this, this is yours and it contains that you have officially beat me and that will make you become the poke'mon league champion but this was the first step though." When Adrian got handed the boulderbadge, he looked at Squirtle and it evolved into Wartortle.

When Adrian walked out of the Pewter City gym, he went to the poke'center to heal his poke'mon. When he was inside the poke'center, a bunch of people cheered Adrian because he defeated the first poke'mon gym leader. When his poke'mon were fully healed, he started heading towards his next big destination which was Mt. Moon.

Post Office Buddy
April 26th, 2008, 10:12 AM
A little rushed. With some work you could turn this into a quality story. I'm glad that you hit the return key twice between paragraphs. A lot of new writers omit this necessary thing and end up writing something resembling a cinder block.

I think it's okay for a first time fic. You need some work on description and probably should have split this into two or three chapters. I'm sure you could have added more detail between Pallet Town and Pewter City. Just adding in more detail about what he did in the lab while getting his starting Pokemon would have added in a page or two of length. The road to Viridian City could have been its own chapter, along with a little of the travel to Pewter. The battle against Brock with more detail in it could have made a longer story also.

Just be careful how fast you take the fic. Some people, including myself, tend to rush events in a chapter. You just have to learn to restrain yourself and decide just how fast you want the chapter to fly by.

Adrian Johnson
April 26th, 2008, 02:34 PM
Chapter 2: The Great Shocking Battle.
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When Adrian kept on walking in Route 3, he managed to accidently step on an Ekans nest. When he heard a crunching sound, he was worried that the Ekans were going to bite him on the leg but when the Ekans were looking at him, it leered at him and went away.

When Adrian was calming down from being worried, he kept on walking until suddenly a Sandshrew appeared. It looked for a battle so Adrian sent out Pidgey so it just can be weaken. Adrian made Pidgey used gust but Sandshrew ducked and rolled away to avoid it.

Sandshrew used scratch but Pidgey flew up high and landed with a big tackle. Sandshrew took the tackle hard so Adrian threw a poke'ball at it. Sandshrew was caught and when the poke'ball got back to Adrian's waist, he kept on walking until he was in another poke'center.

The poke'center wasn't be around for awhile so he managed to train his poke'mon and catch a little bit more poke'mon. Adrian didn't manage to find anymore poke'mon to catch so he trained his poke'mon a little bit more.

When Adrian was training his poke'mon, his Pidgey managed to evolve into Pidgeotto. When he saw a poke'center nearby, Adrian ran towards it. When he entered the poke'center, he walked towards the counter to hand his poke'mon over to the nurse.

When he was waiting, a man told him that he should carry a certain spray called repel so the man gave Adrian the repel. Adrian asked why and the man told him that there was a mountain ahead. When Adrian's poke'mon were healed, Adrian walked to get them and walked out of the poke'center with a thank you for the man.

When Adrian saw the mountain entrance that was close by the poke'center, he entered it and it was really dark inside. Later, he was walking in the dark so he managed to bring out Pikachu to light it up a little.

Later on, Pikachu was tired from lighting it up so much so he made Pikachu return to it's poke'ball. When he was still walking while trying to find the exit to the mountain, he managed to trip over a sleeping Geodude. When the Geodude woke up, Geodude attacked him with a fierce tackle.

Adrian took out Sandshrew to use sand attack for the Geodude couldn't see but the Geodude used rock throw and it missed Sandshrew and hit Adrian in the face. Adrian was made so he took out Wartortle to attack it with water gun. Geodude wasn't hurt that much but it was weak and tired so Adrian managed to throw his last poke'ball.

Later on after Adrian caught Geodude, he managed to see a white flash nearby so he walked further. When the white flash came further, Adrian saw grass. When he exited the mountain, he was in Route 4.

In Route 4, he managed to train a little bit more. When he was training, he was training his Pikachu and his Pidgeotto more than his Wartortle, Spearow, and Sandshrew. When he was just entering Cerulean City, Adrian looked at how Pikachu was attacking and he said that Pikachu was in shape to attack even more.

When Adrian went inside the poke'center, a man came up to him and told him that the other trainers were ahead of him so Adrian told the nurse to be quick so he can beat the next poke'mon gym leader. When he was walking outside the poke'center, he went to the poke'mart to buy some more poke'balls.

When he was buying the poke'balls, the store clerk told him that he should really step on it. When Adrian stepped out of the mart, he went straight towards the next gym. When he was walking inside the poke'mon gym, he saw a bridge leading towards the entrance to the gym leader. "Welcome, my name is Misty, and you are going to have a great splash of water coming to you."

Adrian brought out Pidgeotto because he said that Pidgeotto was going to be his first attacker. Misty brought out Staryu and it used water gun but Pidgeotto avoided it and Pidgeotto used flew up high and flew towards Staryu like a speeding bullet with quick attack.

Staryu concentrated on Pidgeotto and it used tackle but Staryu kept on missing. When Pidgeotto used gust, the gust vanished because the water was in the way. When Staryu had a chance of attacking, it used tackle and when Pidgeotto got hit, Adrian made Pidgeotto return and he sent out Sandshrew.

Sandshrew used scratch and Sandshrew hit Staryu's ruby straight on and it was down. Misty made Staryu return and she brought out Starmie. "I hope you get wet when this one attacks you." When Starmie came out, it quickley used rapid spin to attack Sandshrew.

Sandshrew got hit and it flew straight into the water. Sandshrew coudn't come out so Adrian threw in Pikachu. Pikachu came out and it looked ready to fight. Pikachu used thundershock and Starmie got it hard. Starmie used rapid spin but Pikachu quickley jumped and used thundershock once again.

Starmie got hit hard again so Misty made it go inside the water to heal. When Starmie came out, it looked fresh and ready to fight once more. When Starmie used water gun, Adrian decided to attack it while the water was still coming towards Starmie's tip so Adrian made Pikachu use thunderschock once more.

The electricity quickley traveled on the water and it quickley hit Starmie and Starmie went down into the water hard. "Here you go, the cascade badge, you deserved it and it will further you towards the poke'mon league." When Adrian got handed the badge, Adrian quickley dove in the water to get Sandshrew back.

Later, when Adrian got up from the water with Sandshrew, he quickley put Sandshrew inside it's poke'ball and he quickley went towards the poke'center to heal his poke'mon. Inside the poke'center, Adrian was worried that Sandshrew would die and then when the nurse gave him his poke'balls, he was glad that Sandshrew made it.

Adrian walked outside the poke'center and a man told him to head towards the sea cottage because a man named bill would give him special for defeating the gym leader so Adrian started heading towards the sea cottage.

Brien
April 27th, 2008, 02:58 PM
lol
very interesting, im going through the story and will critique it later in detail.

Adrian Johnson
April 27th, 2008, 03:47 PM
Chapter 3: The Digging of Sand.
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When Adrian was walking up towards the sea cottage, Adrian saw two people trying to steal poke'mon, again, so he walked up towards them and asked why they're trying to steal poke'mon. When the two stealers turned around, it was the same people that were trying to steal poke'mon back in Viridian City.

"Hello and welcome back, you are so stubborn to us, we are going to destroy you." said one of the crooks. The female crook took out her Ekans and it used poison sting on Adrian. "Hey that's not fair." Adrian took out his Pidgeotto and it used quick attack.

When Pidgeotto was coming towards Ekans, Ekans used wrap to squeeze Pidgeotto. Adrian saw that Ekans were not going to stop so he made Pidgeotto use gust just to blind Ekans. When Ekans stopped, Pidgeotto used quick attack once again.

Ekans flew because Pidgeotto's speed was so excellent. The female crook made Ekans return and the male crook took out Spearow. Adrian made Pidgeotto return and he took out Pikachu. Pikachu used thundershock and Spearow was weak right away.

Adrian won again and the two crooks fanished and Adrian kept on going towards the sea cottage. When Adrian saw a man with a ticket so Adrian walked up towards him and asked what's that. The man introduced to him first and Adrian introduced back.

"My name is Bill and this is a ticket to the S.S. Anne, I don't wanna go so here, you take it." Bill handed Adrian the ticket and Bill told him that he was a poke'mon expert. Bill took Adrian inside his house and they talked a little bit more.

Later on, it was time to go back so Adrian said bye and he went back to the city. When Adrian got back to the city, a man came up to him and he said that he should go aboard the S.S. Anne because it was leaving in a week.

Adrian saw a great way to go to Virmillion City so he followed the path. When Adrian entered Route 4, he saw a couple of Nidoran following him. When he looked at them, the male Nidoran was looking more into him than the female one.

Adrian felt sad for the male Nidoran so he grabbed a poke'ball and threw it at Nidoran. When he was walking more towards Route 4, he thought that he was walking to wrong way so he went back to the city were he was just at.

An hour later, he arrived back in the city and he went to other way. The other way was closer but it was down hill also. When Adrian was coming closer to the hill, a man showed up and gave him a bike. "Here take this bike, it will go faster if you want to be the first one to be the league champion." Adrian took the bike and he went zooming down the hill.

Adrian went fast so he decided to take out Pidgeotto to fly down the hill with him. When the hill stopped, he almost ran into a tree but he stopped in time. He saw Virmillion City so he biked slowly so he wouldn't get caught riding it fast.

Virmillion City was the home to the former lieutenant of Team Rocket, a group that steals poke'mon. When he saw the poke'center, he went in and healed his poke'mon. When Adrian walked out, he looked around the city to see if anything was happening. When he was walking towards the docks where the S.S. Anne was, he decided to go inside.

Inside the S.S. Anne, he saw the same two crooks that was in Cerulean City. When he was walking towards them, he saw more so he walked the other way to find a police officer. He kept on searching until suddenly when the former lieutenant spotted him and grabbed him by the cuff of his jacket.

"Why are you doing in my ship?" asked the lieutenant. "I'm just having a peek of the ship." said Adrian. "Well this is the farthest you are going to get." The lieutenant dragged him back onto shore and then Adrian saw him walking back to the city.

Adrian followed him and when he stopped, he was still walking towards a building. The lieutenant walked inside and Adrian followed. Adrian read the sign and it said, "Virmillion City Gym, Leader Lt. Surge." Adrian was shocked so he walked inside to see further more.

Adrian walked in and he saw Lt. Surge sitting down on a chair. "Welcome to my gym, you were following me right?" asked Surge. "Yeah I was, I didn't know where to go so I was looking around." said Adrian. "So are you here to get a form to Team Rocket or to get a badge?" asked Surge. "I'm here to get a badge." said Adrian.

"So let it be then, I'll give you a deal, if you lose, you go into the team rocket business, if you win, you get the badge." So Adrian sent out Pidgeotto first. "What? a bird poke'mon, go Raichu." said Surge. Raichu used thundershock and Pidgeotto didn't have a chance of attacking.

Lt. Surge laughed and Adrian sent out Nidoran. Nidoran used horn attack but Raichu grabbed its horn and threw against the wall. Lt. Surge laughed again so Adrian sent out Wartortle. Wartortle used water gun and it hit Raichu.

Raichu used slam so Adrian can get a chance at attack one more so Wartortle used tackle. Raichu jumped and it used slam once again. It cracked Wartortles shell so Wartortle used tackle once more. "This is enough." said Lt. Surge "Rachu, finish him off with thundershock!"

Raichu gave Wartortle a huge shock and it fainted. Adrian made Wartortle return and he had enough so he took out Sandshrew. Sandshrew used slash and it hit Raichu hard. Raichu used thundershock but it didn't hit Sandshrew at all.

Sandshrew used slash again and it seriously hit Raichu. Raichu used slam to try to hit sandshrew but Sandshrew grabbed its tail and slung him on the ground. "What the heck? my Sandshrew is evolving." said Adrian. Sandshrew evolved into Sandslash and Sandslash used slash once more because it knew that Raichu was weak.

When Sandslash's claws hit Raichu, Raichu couldn't get up anymore. Lt. Surge put Raichu back to its poke'ball and gave Adrian his badge. "Here, this is the thunder badge. You just took another step to the league." When Adrian got the badge, he walked out.

"Hold on, here, this is for you, it's a registration form." said Lt. Surge "If you change your mind, you can fill it out and give it to our boss Giovanni." Adrian took the form and walked to the poke'center to heal his poke'mon and to see what was his next step.

Inside he looked at the map and he saw that he had to go to Celadon City. He got his poke'mon and headed there to continue his poke'mon journey.

Post Office Buddy
April 27th, 2008, 04:19 PM
Well, here is my actual review for your fic. This review will cover only chapter two, since many of your grammar problems are prevalent throughout that one. You may like what I have to say, or you may not. I only ask that you take what I have to say into consideration, since it won't help to ignore advice and it won't hurt to try some of these things.

Anyway, spelling/grammar corrections are in bold, suggestions are in bolded parenthesis, and words that should be omitted are underlined. Capitalization errors are bolded and underlined.


When he heard a crunching sound, he was worried that the Ekans were going to bite him on the leg but when the Ekans were looking at him, it leered at him and went away.

Run-on sentence. You could easily separate this one into two or more sentences to make it much clearer.


It looked (ready) for a battle, so Adrian sent out (his) Pidgey so it just can be weaken. (what?)

Self-explanatory, missing words and a very awkward latter half.


Adrian made Pidgey used gust, but Sandshrew ducked and rolled away to avoid it.

Comma error. Should have been a pause before the coordinating conjunction.


Sandshrew used scratch, but Pidgey flew up high and landed with a big tackle.

Again, should have paused before the conjunction. More detail should have been used, but I won't be too picky.


Sandshrew took the tackle hard, so Adrian threw a Pokeball at it.

I think it would sound better if you had said Sandshrew took a lot of damage from the tackle... Pokeball or any other words beginning with "Poke" should be capitalized and need no apostrophe.


The poke'center wasn't be around for awhile so he managed to train his poke'mon and catch a little bit more poke'mon.

That sentence made absolutely no sense. I can't even suggest a way to revise it. Make your meaning a little bit clearer.


Adrian didn't manage to find anymore poke'mon to catch so he trained his poke'mon a little bit more.

The little bit of the previous sentence I understood said that already. You repeated yourself unnecessarily here.


When Adrian was training his poke'mon, his Pidgey managed to evolve into Pidgeotto. When he saw a poke'center nearby, Adrian ran towards it. When he entered the poke'center, he walked towards the counter to hand his poke'mon over to the nurse.

Random structure. The first sentence had nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph.


(While) he was waiting, a man told him that he should carry a certain spray called repel, so the man gave Adrian the repel.

Even though the word while and the comma make it sound better, it is still unbelievably awkward. Reorganize accordingly.


with a thank you (to) the man.

To was the correct preposition in this spot.


When Adrian saw the mountain entrance that was close (to) the Pokemon Center, he entered it and (noticed that) it was really dark inside.

Again, to is a better preposition to use. Pokemon Center should not be a contraction; it makes more sense to call it a Pokemon Center. Some words seemed to be missing around here as well.


Later, he was walking in the dark so he managed to bring out Pikachu to light it up a little.

Why wouldn't he bring out Pikachu to light the cave if it was dark before? The sentence was awkward in more than just that way as well...


Later on, Pikachu was tired from lighting it up so much (that he returned Pikachu to its Pokeball.)

Inefficient structure without this change.


Adrian took out Sandshrew to use sand attack (so) the Geodude couldn't see, but the Geodude used rock throw. It missed Sandshrew and hit Adrian in the face.

So was the word you should have used. Before adding a period, it was a heck of a run-on sentence. Adding a period made it flow better, despite the fact that the last sentence is a little short and lacks detail.


Adrian was mad so he took out Wartortle to attack it with water gun.

Mad was spelled wrong. If you would have proofread this, then you would have picked up on that. Well, you would have picked up on that and more if you had proofread...


Geodude wasn't hurt that much but it was weak and tired so Adrian managed to throw his last Pokeball.

Poor structure here. This was just one long run-on sentence. Split it up or write it differently. Pokeball needs to be capitalized.


Later on, after Adrian caught Geodude, he managed to see a white flash nearby, so he walked further.

Comma between "later on" and "after" since both are prepositions. I don't get why you use forms of "manage" in your story so much. It makes no sense in most places.


When the white flash came (closer), Adrian saw grass. When he exited the mountain, he was in Route 4.

More detail should be here. You could have expanded this greatly, but again you rushed through it.


When he was just entering Cerulean City, Adrian looked at how Pikachu was attacking and he said that Pikachu was in shape to attack even more.
Did you mean battling?


When Adrian went inside the poke'center, a man came up to him and told him that the other trainers were ahead of him so Adrian told the nurse to be quick so he can beat the next poke'mon gym leader.
Another long run-on sentence. Also, since when does a nurse listen to what a lowly beginning trainer tells her to do? Kind of unrealistic, an adult obeying a mere child.


When he was buying the Pokeballs, the store clerk told him that he should really step on it. When Adrian stepped out of the mart, he went straight towards the next gym. When he was walking inside the Pokemon gym, he saw a bridge leading towards the entrance to the gym leader. "Welcome, my name is Misty, and you are going to have a great splash of water coming to you."

You skipped around so much here. You should only have one idea per paragraph, whereas here you have three different concepts. Divide it up and add more detail.


Misty brought out Staryu and it used water gun but Pidgeotto avoided it and Pidgeotto used flew up high and flew towards Staryu like a speeding bullet with quick attack.

Extremely rushed. Add more detail, like how Staryu reacted when it saw the "speeding bullet" that was Pidgeotto fly at him.


Staryu concentrated on Pidgeotto and it used tackle, but Staryu kept on missing. When Pidgeotto used gust, the gust vanished because the water was in the way. When Staryu had a chance of attacking, it used tackle and when Pidgeotto got hit, Adrian made Pidgeotto return and he sent out Sandshrew.

Rushed again. A lot more detail would make this flow better. You seem to have skipped a lot of potentially useful information.


Sandshrew used scratch and Sandshrew hit Staryu's ruby straight on and it was down. Misty made Staryu return and she brought out Starmie. "I hope you get wet when this one attacks you." When Starmie came out, it quickley used rapid spin to attack Sandshrew.

I like the little humor in there, but again, more detail.


Starmie got hit hard again so Misty made it go inside the water to heal. When Starmie came out, it looked fresh and ready to fight once more. When Starmie used water gun, Adrian decided to attack it while the water was still coming towards Starmie's tip so Adrian made Pikachu use thunderschock once more.

expand it a little more, and go into more detail about how Pikachu did this.


The electricity quickley traveled on the water and it quickley hit Starmie and Starmie went down into the water hard. "Here you go, the cascade badge, you deserved it and it will further you towards the Pokemon league." When Adrian (was) handed the badge, Adrian quickley dove in the water to get Sandshrew back.

Whoa, really rushed here. I didn't know what happened at first. You should describe the end of the battle more, and make Misty's disappointment evident. I doubt many Gym Leaders would be happy to lose a match.


Adrian walked outside the Pokemon Center and a man told him to head towards the sea cottage because a man named bill would give him special for defeating the gym leader so Adrian started heading towards the sea cottage.

A special what? This was one of the worst run-on sentences in the chapter, you really need to fix it.

Well, there's my review of chapter two. Take it or leave it; it is only but advice to help you in your writing. If you decide you don't want to hear my advice anymore on your personal fic, then just reply saying so. It does sadden me, however, when people are either too proud or too unwilling to accept advice. Everyone needs some improvement. I just wish more people would see that...

DragonairKing2000
April 30th, 2008, 02:14 PM
wow, i never knew that my younger brother loved writing stories about poke'mon lol. You have a great imagination.

Ninja Caterpie
May 2nd, 2008, 05:30 PM
Great imagination. Not very good writing. Umm.. Is Minneapolis in America? Cos If so... I guess I was right about stupid Americans... Joking joking joking.

Why'd the guy get temp banned? More American idiocrisy? Jokes again...
Jeffback's done all the criticising...
Take the advice. Don't think you're so good.
I heard DragonairKing2000 LEARNT off you. His first fic was... (no offence) crapish...
Oh well. I guess its alright


I I I,.... If It was offencive in any way...sorry:D

DragonairKing2000
May 2nd, 2008, 06:49 PM
Yes Minneapolis is in America, where are you from?

Ninja Caterpie
May 2nd, 2008, 11:47 PM
I...eh? Why do you need to know that?
I put my home for location just like you put Hoenn...I mean you don't live in Hoenn!
Wells, PM me if you REALLY want to know.
Also, that American Idiot thing is a joke (sort of)