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TheDeadpool
April 26th, 2008, 06:12 PM
Revised. This is just a short Prologue. The Chapters will be much longer. if i get good feedback there will be more to come.

Prologue

Tabitha was nervous. He had to be a messenger to the most dangerous of all gangs, and he had to do it unarmed. Thoughts raced through his head: What if he's attacked? How will he defend himself? What will Master Rocket say. He saw the Rocket Headquarters to the left. He pulled in and parked his car. He opened his glove box and pulled out a case of Pokeballs. He clipped each carefully picked one onto his belt. He was directly disobeying Maxie's order, but there was no way he was going in there unarmed. Migthyena, Numel, Machoke, Magmar, Golbat. All clipped into place. He smoothed the ruffles out of his shirt and fixed his hair. He got out of his car and waited. Fifteen minutes early. He thought back on the meeting that got him into this mess.

"TABITHA, GET IN HERE NOW!!!" Maxie screamed at the top of his lungs.
Tabitha shuffled in. He couldn't remember violating any of Maxie's rules or orders.

Maxie looked at him with a serious look that made Tabitha shiver. Maxie took out a manila folder and slid a fax over to Tabitha.
Tabitha read it in silence.

Rocket Enterprises.
To Magma Incorperated.

To: Admin Maxie
We have reviewed your request for a meeting about a possible alliance. We would like for you to send a representative to our base at the below address to discuss your terms and possibly create a contract that could benefit us both. We would like your representative to attend a meeting with me, Giovanni, on Monday, April 45th. Please have him or her arrive at 67:45. Thank you for your compliance.

From: President Giovanni Luvichi

Tabitha finished the cigarette he had been smoking, and slowly made his way to the entrance. The room he found himself in was big and well decorated. There were several waiting benches, each piled high with magazines. He walked up to the receptionist behind the desk. She was one of the most beautiful women Tabitha had ever seen. Her auburn hair was slightly hanging in her face as she typed on her computer. She smelled of Bellossum Essence, the perfume Tabitha's parents had invented. She looked at him with deep green eyes, and gave him a skeptical look.

"May I help you sir?" She asked him in a fakely polite way.

"Um... Yes. My name is... Tabitha Malokai, from Magma Interprises. Im here to see Mr. Luvichi." Tabitha said sheepishly.

"Oh... right. Your appointment is just about to start. Ill page someone to show you to Mr. Luvichi's office." She dialed on the phone on her desk, and spoke into her headset. "Mr. Malokai is here. Please show him to Giovanni's office."

Tabitha soon found himself sitting across from a very intimidating man. He was very dark, and very commanding in the way he speaks and presents himself.

"Mr. Malokai, my friend! It appears me and your boss are in agreement. Perhaps Rocket Enterprises and Magma Incorporated can in fact find our own rewards in it." Giovanni said after carefully reading Maxie's letter that Tabitha had been ordered to give him.

Giovanni stood with great posture throughout the process of extending his legs. He stood a good foot over Tabitha, a skinny twenty-seven year old man. Giovanni extended his arm to offer Tabitha a deal-sealing handshake. Tabitha had just realized the magnitude of this situation. This handshake will seal the fate of all of not only Hoenn, but also Kanto, Johto, and even the uninhabited Sinnoh.

Tabitha took Giovanni's hand and shook it, sealing the fate of all of the world.

TheDeadpool
April 26th, 2008, 06:28 PM
Chapter List.

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Heres a few random sprites i did. There will be some pertaining to the fic soon.

Nidorino recolored using a Dratini
http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k117/Majoras_Fury/Dratini-Nidorino.jpg

Shadowmander
http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k117/Majoras_Fury/Shadomander.jpg

Post Office Buddy
April 26th, 2008, 07:02 PM
Way, way too short. I thought it would last longer, but when I scrolled down I was surprised to see an end to the post. You need to add a lot more to your chapters if you want some recognition here.

I'll do my best to show you things you need to fix. I bold corrections and place suggestions, including alternate word choices, in bold parenthesis, and underline/bold capitalization errors.

Tabitha was nervous. He had to be a messenger to the most dangerous of all gangs, and he had to do it unarmed. Thoughts raced through his head. (You could add so much more here. Describe what kind of thoughts raced through his head, like how he felt, the mission he's on, perhaps even add a flashback that tells the reader about how he was assigned this job.)

"What if I'm attacked? How will I defend myself?" (Kind of awkward. Not really something the reader will notice, and seems to be strangely set off from the first paragraph. If this was his thought, then you should have put it after a colon placed after the word "head.")

He hadn't (carried out) Maxie's order exactly (as he had been told); he felt the Pokeball on his belt (more description, such as what the Pokeball felt like, the shape, the comfort it provided.). His trusty Mightyena (A tad short, but sufficient in a way). He entered the Rocket Headquarters lobby and walked up to the desk. The receptionist gave him a dirty look.

"May I help you sir?" she asked in the most snobbiest way she could manage.

"Um... Yes. My name is Tabitha, I'm the representative from Team Magma. I'm here to see Lord Giovanni about an alliance," Tabitha replied sheepishly.

The receptionist seemed to loosen up. She got noticeably more attractive. Her soft wavy hair, which was an auburn color, accented her hazel eyes in a way Tabitha had never seen. She stood up and walked around to greet him. (Good description, but you could add even more here.)

"Welcome Mr. Tabitha, (my name is) Cheryl. If you will just follow me, Giovanni will see you now." She brushed past him seemingly (on purpose). She smelled of Bellossums Essence (random much? You could elaborate more here, like how he felt about that particular smell). Cheryl led him to an elevator. When they were both in, she fumbled with a number, (No semicolon was needed, you weren't contrasting ideas) and eventually entered the access code.

"Well Sir Magma, it appears we are in agreement. Tell Maxie his terms are accepted; (now you can use a semicolon) Team Rocket and Team Magma are in alliance." Giovanni offered his hand for a deal-sealing shake.

Tabitha accepted the gesture and started what promised to be the next generation of Pokemon crime lords. (Probably could elaborate more here, no need to end with such a weak cliffhanger.)

If you would add more detail, the whole thing would improve. A lot of the fault I find in the ease with which I found errors lies in the lack of development shown here. It would be much more difficult to pick out errors if you would develop it further. Just add detail and you will be fine.

TheDeadpool
April 26th, 2008, 09:06 PM
heres chapter 1. a little short.... but good. enjoy.

Chapter 1

Billy woke with a start. Gun shots coupled with screams resonated in the distance. Pokémon cries also accompanied the gunshots. Everyday stuff for the neighborhood Billy lives in. Billy slowly turned away from his window and checked his clock. It read 4:30 a.m. He couldn’t get back to sleep though. So he got up and made his way to the bathroom and took an ice cold shower. He got out and flattened down his dark brown hair. He scrunched his face in disgust. He certainly wasn’t ugly, but felt himself to be extremely plain and boring.

He flipped his light on and tried to find where he had put his only pair of pants, a black pair that weren’t quite tight, but weren’t quite baggy. He found them and slid them slowly as not to irritate his burn, a scar of yesterday’s nasty battle. He walked back to his bed and slowly tried to wake up his sleeping Vulpix. He was used to the slight spark that was sent through his body when he touched it.

“Vulpix wake up. We have to go. Before Mandy wakes-” Billy stopped when his girlfriend began stirring.

“Billy? Billy what’s wrong baby? Come back to bed… its 5 in the morning… and I’m cold. Come keep me warm.” she giggled at her own flirting.

Billy rolled his eyes so Mandy couldn’t see. He leaned over her and kissed her.

“Sorry, but I need to train a little before people start waking up. Today feels different for some reason.” he said to her.

She sat up and put a shirt on. “I’ll help you… If I could just find my pants… Ah there they are. Ok, so lets go then.”

* * *

“Vulpix, Quick Attack!” Billy ordered.

Mandy was connected to her Kirlia on a mental level. The Kirlia was already of the way and attacking without her having to utter a single word. Vulpix was running towards a wall in a powerful confusion attack from Kirlia. At least that’s what Billy wanted Mandy to think. At the last moment, Billy’s Vulpix jump onto the wall and pushed off into a dive at Kirlia.

“FLAMETHROWER!!!” Billy yelled. Powerful flames flew from Vulpix’s mouth and hit Kirlia square in the chest. The connection between Mandy and Kirlia was lost and she had to start commanding him like normal.

“Kirlia, Double Team!” she ordered her Pokémon. Vulpix fell face first into one of the copies and hit the dirt hard. Mandy had won. Again.

Billy returned Vulpix after healing her with an item he had made on his own. Using a revive and some Sitrus juice he made an item that cost less than a max revive.

Mandy had the same look on her face. A smug mix between a smirk and a beaming smile.

“I win. Again.” she said airily.

“Yes Mandy, I know. Just wait. Once I get another Pokémon, you and Kirlia are going down.” Billy heard a growl from behind him and he quickly added, “Not that Vulpix isn’t great of course.”

Mandy seemed to be somewhere else. “Billy I have an important decision to make. I can evolve my Kirlia now into a Gallade, or wait until it evolves into a Gardevoir. If I evolve my Kirlia into a Gallade I’ll lose the mental connection.”

“Gallade.” Billy said without thinking. “You should definitely go with Gallade.”

Post Office Buddy
April 27th, 2008, 08:15 AM
Nice chapter, I thought it was pretty decent. A little longer than the Prologue, which is good, but I'm sure you can make it longer. As usual, I will point out things that I think you can/should fix, so pay close attention.


(He heard) gun shots coupled with screams resonating in the distance.

Only a suggestion, might make a little more sense.


Everyday stuff for the neighborhood Billy lived in.

I think it should read more like These were everyday things in the neighborhood Billy lived in. Also, you used the wrong tense of live. You used past tense verbs up till this point, where you used a present tense verb.


He couldn’t get back to sleep though, so he got up and made his way to the bathroom and took an ice cold shower.

Maybe more like Even though it was really early, he couldn't drift back into sleep. You have to make sure you explain why he couldn't go back to sleep. A comma should have taken the place of the period, joining the two sentences together.


He got out and flattened down his dark brown hair. He scrunched his face in disgust. He certainly wasn’t ugly, but felt himself to be extremely plain and boring.

Create a new paragraph for this and elaborate further. The reason you need a new paragraph is because you fast forwarded through the shower and picked up again when he got out.


He was used to the slight spark that was sent through his body when he touched it.

Good idea here, but I think it should have read more like He felt the usual spark when he touched it, but didn't recoil as he was used to the feeling.


“Vulpix, wake up. We have to go before Mandy wakes-”

Capitalization error.


Today feels different for some reason,” he said to her.

Comma error


She sat up and put a shirt on. “I’ll help you… If I could just find my pants… Ah there they are. Ok, so lets go then.”

******

“Vulpix, Quick Attack!” Billy ordered.

a divider such as this should have been included to show the scene change.


(Since) Mandy was connected to her Kirlia on a mental level, the Kirlia was already (out) of the way and attacking without her having to utter a single word.

This would have sounded a little better


Billy’s Vulpix jumped onto the wall and pushed off to dive at Kirlia.

"Jump" should have been past tense, didn't need into. To works just fine.


“FLAMETHROWER!!!”

Didn't need the multiple exclamation marks and capitalizing whole words is annoying.


Billy returned Vulpix after healing her with an item he had made on his own; (by) using a revive and some Sitrus juice, he (had) made an item that cost less than a max revive and full restore.

I don't see why you would need a Max Revive and a Full Restore since Max Revive fully heals the Pokemon. Also, remember to capitalize all items.


“I win. Again,”

Comma there instead of a period.

The story is good, just fix some of the things listed above and it should be perfect. Just write chapters at your own pace. I tend to do one a week or so, and try to avoid writing one in just one day. You mess up more if you do that. And one more thing: proofread, proofread, proofread. That alone will solve many of the errors in your writing.

TheDeadpool
April 27th, 2008, 01:42 PM
heres chapter 2. hope you like it.

CHAPTER 2

Tabitha took a long drag on his cigarette. He needed to, or he would have surely exploded at the employee he was talking to.

“Now I’m only going to tell one more time before I fire you right here, right now. All I ask from you is that you collect taxes from Section 7C. That’s all. Just go to their doors, and tell them to get to paying. It’s a very easy job. Any moron can do it, but I hired you because your mother begged me to. So if you could please just do your job without me having to watch over you, that would be great. Here, I’m not your father. I’m your boss. Ok?”

Tabitha’s son nodded slowly. Trent was his name. He was very much like his father in many ways. He was taller than his father was at that age, and Tabitha had made sure that Trent never start smoking, so Trent was much healthier than his father. He also had a different preference in type of Pokémon. Unlike his father, Trent was a trainer of ice Pokémon. He had started with a Poochyena, just like his father, but his first caught Pokémon was a Snorunt. He had long ago evolved her into a Froslass, and his third Pokémon was a Shellder. Tabitha recognized Trent as a very gifted trainer, but had never agreed with his choice of Pokémon.

Trent nervously replied, “Ok Dad, I mean Mr. Malokai. I promise to start doing better,” He flattened his black hair down. Trent had much more muscle than Tabitha at the age of 17, and was in much better shape. He wore his Lava Rocket uniform with as much style he could manage with such an awkward selection of clothing.

“Sir, can I have the rest of the day off?” Trent was almost certain the answer was going to be no, but he really needed to show that new kid who was boss around here.

Tabitha considered this. Trent did need a small break from work.

“Ok son, go ahead, but tomorrow I want you in here at 7:30, no later.” Tabitha said.

Trent’s face was a mix of surprise and euphoria. His father barely let him have breaks, let alone a day off. Trent thanked his dad and quickly went home to change into his street clothes, a pair of jeans and a band shirt. He quickly put his shoes on and went into the world to find that new kid everyone was talking about. Willy or something like that.

* * *

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Mandy complained, “I can’t even link with his mind anymore. Now how will I have the edge against anybody?”

Billy smiled. He knew what he had done had also helped Mandy, but now he stood a chance against her, which he didn’t mind at all.

“Come on Mandy, its not that bad. Gallade is much more powerful than Gardevoir, and you know that,” Billy was trying to make himself seem like he had helped her make a decision that would help her more than it would hurt her. Her Gallade stood at least two feet higher than her, and had stood there the entire time, stating at Billy’s Vulpix. She wanted to battle Gallade just as much as he wanted to battle her.

“Mandy, I’ll prove it to you, let’s battle and I promise you’ll battle just as well as before,” Billy said.

“Fine, lets go.”

* * *

“Gallade, Psycho Cut!” Mandy ordered. She wasn’t very happy about having to yell her orders to him. Billy could hear everything and could now dodge them even better than before.

“Use Quick Attack to dodge, and then Will-O-Wisp!” Billy couldn’t help but smile as he said this. Gallade was getting tired, and Vulpix had barely taken a hit. Vulpix dodged the blade Gallade had used psychic energy to make, and jumped right onto Gallade’s back. Her Will-O-Wisp hit at a black range. The burn covered Gallade’s backside and neck.

“Psychic into Slash!” Mandy had expected Billy to do that. Vulpix was suspended in thin air, helpless as Gallade dug into her side with a well placed slash. Blood stained Vulpix’s fur. Gallade sent Vulpix flying into a rock. Her bones breaking could be heard by everyone there. Including a mysterious boy who had leaned himself against a telephone pole. Billy returned Vulpix.

“We better get her to the Pokémon Center,” Billy said. He was very disappointed that he still didn’t stand a chance against Mandy. Clapping brought attention to the boy, and he slowly walked up to the couple.
“Are you Willy?” the boy asked. He seemed about a year older than Billy. He had three Pokeballs clipped to his belt.

“No. I think you mean Billy,” Mandy said to the boy. He gave her a look that made her swallow her words. Gallade sensed her fear and took a step closer to her.

“Here I am, what do you want?” Billy asked.

“My name’s Trent. And all I ask for is a battle.”

Post Office Buddy
April 27th, 2008, 02:30 PM
Another good chapter. A few things that need fixing, but it's getting longer, which is good. Just keep working to better your writing and the length will come with time.

As always, I will follow my bold-underline method of reviewing.


“Now I’m only going to tell (you) one more time before I fire you right here, right now.

forgot "you"


Just go to their doors, and tell them to get to paying.
.
Don't need the underlined comma or to. Just get rid of them.


Here, I’m not your father; I’m your boss, okay?”

semicolon would have worked better than a period, and spell out okay.


(The only differences were that) he was taller than his father was at that age,

Looks better like that. Makes it independent of the previous clause.


He had long ago evolved her into a Froslass, and his third Pokémon was a Shellder.

You jumped around in that sentence. Devote an entire new sentence to Shellder rather than forcing it on the end of Frosslass' sentence.


Trent nervously replied, “Ok Dad, I mean Mr. Malokai. I promise to start doing better.” He flattened his black hair down.

The comma was unnecessary, so develop the part after the quotation marks further by describing more nerbous habits.


Trent had much more muscle than Tabitha at the age of 17, and was in much better shape. He wore his Lava Rocket uniform with as much style he could manage with such an awkward selection of clothing.

This should have been in the last paragraph. You, again, jumped around a bit.


Trent thanked his dad and quickly went home to change into his street clothes, a pair of jeans, and a band shirt.

You always need a comma before the word "and" in a series. Also, I don't get how he could go home in his Rocket uniform. People on the streets would have attacked him, fearing that he was going to try and steal their Pokemon.


(Trent vaguely remembered it being) Willy or something like that.

More development. The underlined words could be removed, but don't have to be.


Mandy complained.

Period instead of comma.


Her Will-O-Wisp hit (point-blank)

I think that's what you meant.

Adrian Johnson
April 27th, 2008, 02:37 PM
Man is this all you do on these threads jeff, say crap about other people's stories? correct other people's stories? all you do is talk crap about peoples stories.

Anyways, if you want to create a short story, go ahead and do it, don't manage to read this guys posts because he's all going to do is talk crap about other people's stories.

TheDeadpool
April 27th, 2008, 02:41 PM
I asked for his help adrian. so just talk about my fic if your here and take up your problmes with jeff somehwhere else.

Post Office Buddy
April 27th, 2008, 02:43 PM
Man is this all you do on these threads jeff, say crap about other people's stories? correct other people's stories? all you do is talk crap about peoples stories.
Adrian, if you had read my post correctly, then you would have seen that I wasn't talking crap about his story, I was trying to help him. In fact, I talk to him on AIM regarding his story. Before you accuse other people of doing something, get the facts straight.


Anyways, if you want to create a short story, go ahead and do it, don't manage to read this guys posts because he's all going to do is talk crap about other people's stories.
He asked me to review his story over AIM, and I was only doing what I promised. Before you go talk crap about people reviewing stories, then learn what is and what isn't talking crap about a story. Proper English in an attack would be nice, too. If you reread your post then you will see my point.

TheDeadpool
April 27th, 2008, 07:24 PM
Chapter 3 is up. hope you enjoy.

Chapter 3

“Well, Trent, as you just saw my Vulpix has an opening in her side and a shattered rib cage. So unfortunately I can-”

“Don’t play this game. I know about your second Pokémon. I have from a reliable source that you own a Nidorino. Or so my friend who battled you the other day tells me.” Trent interrupted.

Billy was taken aghast. He had only used his Nidorino once and now Mandy knew about it before he had complete control over it.

“That’s impossible me and Billy battle everyday and he never told me about any other Pokémon. Let alone a Pokémon you can only get imported from Kanto.” Mandy said matter-of-factly.

Billy couldn’t lie anymore. “Actually Mandy, my mom sent me the Nidoran a year ago. It was so reckless and unpredictable that I’ve been training it ever since. It’s almost under my control, I was going to tell you. Just not yet.”

Mandy had a look of betrayal on her face. She couldn’t believe Billy had been keeping a Pokémon from her for a year.

“I can’t believe it. Is that what you were going to do this morning? Train that Nidorino? Behind my back! I can’t believe you would lie to me this entire time,” Mandy’s voice became gradually louder and louder. “This is by far the most asinine thing you’ve done yet! And I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here and look at you for another second. See you at home.” She stormed off the field, returning Gallade as she walked, and made her way down the sidewalk until she was out of sight.

“Well, are you happy? I was almost done training Nidorino, and you go and tell my girlfriend before I’m ready to let her meet him. That’s it. Now I’m kicking your ass. Nidorino, lets go!” Billy threw a green Pokeball onto the ground. The released Nidorino kicked the Pokeball back to Billy. That was a trick Billy spent weeks teaching Nidorino that, and was quite proud of the results. Billy caught the ball and scowled at Trent.

“Choose your Pokémon,” Billy said quietly.

Trent thought to himself for a second. Froslass was by far the strongest Pokémon he had, but he didn’t want to annihilate Billy too bad. So he chose his Mightyena.

“Mightyena, out.” Trent said calmly. He clicked open the Pokeball and Mightyena came out. He stood a good two feet over Billy’s Nidoriono, but Billy was confident in his own abilities. The reason Mandy always beats him, is because she has three badges from gyms scattered around the region. She doesn’t battle anyone from around here, and was probably out finding someone who was worthy of her skill.

Billy knew exactly how he was going to beat Trent.

“Nidorino, Double Kick into Toxic!” Billy ordered.

Trent seemed unworried. “Oder Sleuth.”

Nidorino charged Mightyena. The wolf Pokémon closed its eyes and stood perfectly still. Right as Nidorino leaped into the air Mightyena was out of harm’s way and ready to make its move on the vulnerable Nidorino.

“Crunch.” Trent said calmly.

Mightyena caught Nidorino by his leg. Blood stained Mightyena’s teeth as it thrashed Nidorino around. Trent was certain that this was going to end the battle, but Nidorino countered the Crunch by carrying out its Double Kick. The free leg on Nidorino struck Mightyena across the face, which freed Nidorino’s other leg. Nidorino then delivered a crushing kick to Mightyena’s right front knee, and Mightyena howled in pain as his leg buckled.

“Nidorino, Poison Jab!” Billy ordered the finishing blow. Mightyena’s blood spread all over the ground as Nidorino’s horn dug into his shoulder. Mightyena was out before he hit the ground.

Trent silently returned Mightyena. “I want to congratulate you. No one has ever managed to rage on my Mightyena that bad before, but you better believe we will battle again, when you have more Pokémon, and I will win.”

Trent slowly walked away, Billy could feel the hatred emanating from him as his walk slowly became a jog, and then a run as he headed into the Rocket District. Billy was speechless. He had taken down an agent of Lava Rocket. Billy ducked down as a squadron slowly made its way into Section 8B. He returned Nidorino and crawled closer to the shack that was right next to the street.

“You take streets 1, 4, 7, and 12C. You take streets 2, 6, 8, and 10C. You take 3, 5, 9, and 11C.” The Captain said. Billy quietly opened the door of the shack and took refuge near a strange machine that was covered by a dusty sheet. The muffled voice of the Captain faded accompanied with boots hitting the ground in a marching that eventually faded as well. Billy stood up and uncovered the machine.

He couldn’t believe what he saw. It was an old PC connected to an even older Pokémon healing pod. He carefully placed both of his Pokeballs into the slots. He accessed the PC and started the healing process. While he wait he checked his mom’s old Pokémon storage boxes. He quickly typed in her password and access number.

There was only one Pokémon in it. There was an extremely rare Pokémon sitting in the box. He brought up the Pokémon’s statistics screen and found himself out of breath. This is what he read on the screen:

Species: Larvitar
Type 1: Rock
Type 2: Ground
Attacks: Bite, Sandstorm, Rock Slide, Thrash

The page began to list Larvitar’s different statistics and original trainer. Billy clicked on original trainer and it brought up a profile of a Giovanni Luvichi. Billy knew the name sounded familiar, but he just couldn’t match the name with a face or anything at all. He read the profiles statistics on Luvichi: Former gym leader of a city in Kanto called Viridian, arrested on suspicion of assistance or even direct involvement in the dealing of Team Rocket, and even defeated the Elite 4 of Kanto seven different times with a different team each time. Billy couldn’t believe what he was reading. His mom had been directly associated with a gang member from the long dissembled Team Rocket.

Billy logged out of his mothers box and into his account. He brought up his email and there was a message from his mom. This is what it read:

Billy, I have left you a Pokémon in my box. Please take it and never tell anybody where you got it. Its in very bad condition, and needs your attention immediately. Say hello to Mandy, Vulpix and Nidorino for me.

Love Mom.

Billy reopened his moms box and began the receiving process. He placed an empty Pokeball in the receiving pod. When the Larvitar arrived, Billy immediately stowed the Pokeball into his pocket and retrieved his Pokémon.

Billy couldn’t help but feel like the Larvitar he had just received from his mom was the start of something he could no longer control.

* * *

“Mr. Luvichi sir. The Larvitar had been delivered.”

“Excellent, leave me.” Luvichi replied. He couldn’t help chuckle at his own cleverness. The boy would meet his destiny in good time. All in good time.

Post Office Buddy
April 28th, 2008, 04:38 PM
“Well, Trent, as you just saw my Vulpix has an opening in her side and a shattered rib cage. So unfortunately I can-”
My problem is not with what is here, but with what is missing. You should have added something like Billy started, but was cut off. This lets the reader know who spoke and gives more information about what is going on to the reader.


I have from a reliable source I heard that you own a Nidorino, or so my friend who battled you the other day tells me,” Trent interrupted.
Would probably sound better if you omitted the underlined words and added the bold, then use a comma between the first and second parts. You should also include a comma before the end quotation marks.


“That’s impossible; Billy and I battle everyday and he's never told me about any other Pokémon, let alone a Pokémon you can only get imported from Kanto,” Mandy said matter-of-factly.
Bold words/punctuation are suggestions, although you do need that semicolon, or at least a period, and the two commas I placed in there.


It’s almost under my control. I was going to tell you, just not yet.”
Period and comma should be where I indicated.


Mandy had a look of betrayal on her face.
Maybe more like Mandy looked betrayed; Use a semicolon instead of a period to make it flow better.


That was a trick Billy spent weeks teaching Nidorino that, and was quite proud of the results.
You don't need the second that. I underlined it for you so you could see it easier.


He clicked open the Pokeball and Mightyena came out.
A little bit more detail about how Mightyena came out would have sufficed. Perhaps you could have said something like He clicked open the Pokeball and Mightyena appeared in a flash of red light or something. You also spelled Mightyena wrong, if you were wondering why I made it bold.


The reason Mandy always beat him was because she had three badges from gyms scattered around the region.
you used the wrong tenses of verbs here. You also placed a comma incorrectly here.


She didn't battle anyone from around here
Wrong tense of that word.


“Crunch,” Trent said calmly.
Another comma error. I can see that you have trouble with these. I have a guide on comma usage if you want me to send it to you. I made it during school, so I would have to type it up on my computer, but I could do that in less than fifteen minutes.


Trent slowly walked away.
That should be a period.


The muffled voice of the Captain faded along with the sound of the boots hitting the ground in a marching that eventually faded as well.
Relatively weak sentence. You should consider restructuring this.


Power Level: 23
Adding levels to Pokemon fan fictions makes it a little unrealistic. I try to stay away from it as well as I can, but if you think that this is important or want to set your fic apart with this concept, then by all means go ahead.


“Mr. Luvichi sir. The Larvitar has been delivered.”
Wrong tense of "had".

All in all, great chapter. I like the development in Billy, and the attempt you made at humanizing Mandy by making her angry at Billy for not telling her about Nidorino. The only real problems you are having right now are commas and structure. I pointed out everything I could find, so you should be able to fix these with no problem.

As I mentioned earlier, I wrote a comma use guide in school not too long ago and keep meaning to type it up on my computer. If you want me to send you this guide, then just PM me and tell me so. My intention was to help writers with it anyway, since many seem to struggle with correct comma usage. I could even throw in a section on semicolons and other punctuation marks if you would like. Just tell me everything you might want and I will write it up.

TheDeadpool
May 5th, 2008, 04:25 PM
hey guys and guyettes. just thought i let you know that ill have a chapter up by next sunday. just for all one of my fans. yes jeff im sure your the only one. anyway. please comment, post or PM your thoughts. im always open to ideas, whether for a charcter or storyline anything, ill take it into consideration... but u gotta post for me to know what you think. peace out.

TheDeadpool
May 19th, 2008, 07:28 PM
Chapter four up... shorter than three, but packed with action.

Chapter 4



“The nerve of him. Lately he has been acting so strange.” Mandy said to her Gallade. She had always been able to talk to her Ralts and Kirlia, this wasn’t any different. It felt different though. Her Gallade seemed more interested in what she had to say. They had been together for two years now. None of Mandy’s other Pokémon came remotely to achieving the kind of friendship they shared. Gallade tried to say something but remembered the psychic bond had been broken when he evolved.

Mandy saw the look on his face and comforted him, “It’s gonna work itself out, Gallade. Your still a Psychic-Type. I’m sure we can still like somehow.”

Gallade’s face brightened when she said this. He grunted and turned to face his partner. Mandy’s Trapinch wasn’t a new addition to her team, but definatly needed some work. It was a favorite of her’s because of how well it worked with her Kirlia. This was the first time with Gallade.

Mandy analyzed her enemy. Twins, like the usual double battlers. One had a Lombre and the other had a Nidorina, which reminded her of Billy. She decided to focus on her battle and save Billy for later. She already knew what was coming though.

“Gallade, Leaf Blade! Trapinch, Faint Attack!” Mandy ordered.

“Lombre use Fake Out!” the first twin said.

The second ordered her Nidorina to use Focus energy.

The result of all orders was slightly uneventful. The Nidorina stood back while the Lombre used Fake Out to cause both of Mandy’s Pokémon to miss their marks. The Lombre seemed much faster than a normal one should be.

Mandy knew just how to end this quickly. She worked out a plan in her head that seemed fail proof to her.

<No.> a voice echoed in her head. One that was familiar but seemed to have changed since she last heard it.

<Gallade?> Mandy asked. Tears seemed to well up in her eyes as she finally had what she had missed most from her Pokémon.

<Yes. That plan will surely fail. You have not factored in Trapinch’s lack of speed. Just let me handle it.> Gallade said.

Mandy didn’t like how her Gallade was treating her but she went along with it.

Gallade’s plan was this. Mandy stood back and watched as Gallade threw Trapinch at the Nidorina. Trapinch clamped on the Nidorina’s neck and she was knocked out as he threw her against a rock. Gallade’s Psycho Cut made quick work of the Lombre.

<Don’t do that again.> Mandy said. <I’m in charge around here.>

<Right. I am sorry, mistress.> Gallade said.

Mandy collected her winnings from the twins and started down the sidewalk, towards the food district, and on her way to Snowpoint to catch her ship to Johto.

* * *

Trent looked at the trainer he was battling. After the loss to Billy, Trent was looking for an easy win. This was his way of venting, finding a trainer and going all out on him. The trainer’s Seel fell after just one attack. The trainer returned his Seel. He thought for a second, and pulled out another Pokeball.

The Charmeleon’s fire on its tail burned bright. It’s muscles flexed as it slowly walked up to Trent’s Froslass and scoffed in her face.

“Mega Punch!” the trainer said. The punch land on Froslass’s torso, and she fell down.

Froslass raised slowly into her normal floating height.

“Sheer Cold.” Trent said. Froslass closed her eyes and concentrated. The air got considerably colder.
“Flamethower!” the trainer said. Froslass just stayed still and concentrated even harder. The Flamethrower got 2 inches away from Froslass’s face and receded. The air was well below freezing now, and when the Flamethrower reached Charmeleon’s mouth, its body went rigid. The flame went out instantly, and it’s eyes began to freeze shut. Froslass opened her eyes and slowly glided towards Charmeleon. She glided down to the Charmeleons level and gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. His body convulsed and he fell into a limp pile with ice beginning to cover his body. This battle was over.

* * *

Billy walked into the deli slowly. Mandy was in his mind, and he knew he had to break up with her. There wasn’t any other solution to how things have been going lately. They haven’t even kissed in over a week, let alone anything else.

He walked up to the counter where Ferria worked, a girl who has had a crush on Billy since they met. He knew about it but didn’t say anything, she was a bit too young for him. Although she is cute.

“Hi Billy!” Ferria said. Her blue eyes sparkled as she cut her finger slightly. She was distracted instantly while around Billy. Billy rushed over the counter and held her finger tenderly.

“Here.” Billy said. He pulled a bandage out with his other hand, opened it with his teeth, and carefully wrapped it around her finger.

<I guess a year isn’t too much difference.> Billy thought. He looked at her and sized her up. Her Mexican heritage showed with in appearance. She had tan skin and brown hair, but her eyes were a bright blue. They seemed to just exude happiness every time she blinked.

Billy realized he had been holding Ferria’s hand this entire time, and she had continued to cut the tomatoes she was working on. She was trying to hide the slight blush that enveloped her cheeks. He returned the hand to it’s rightful owner. Billy picked up Ferria’s Pokeballs and released her Pokémon to admire them. She was a good trainer, not as good as Billy, but pretty close. She had a Flaafy, its coat was covered in static electricity and it was extremely healthy. Ferria knew it was close to evolving, and she bragged about having a fully evolved Pokémon before Billy. Her Gulpin was next, and its lax nature showed well. It was released, realized it wasn’t in a battle, and went to sleep. Her third Pokémon was a baby Dratini she found wounded by a road, and it was still extremely week and fragile. Ferria’s last Pokémon had always made Billy worry about her safety. The Regirock barely fit in the deli, and stood a good 5 feet over Billy.

“Beautiful isn’t it.” Ferria said, taking in the legends beauty. “There are only eight in Sinnoh, and I have number four. No one can possibly match me with Regirock by my side.”

“Too bad you can’t control it enough to battle with it. Or else you’d truly be unstoppable,” Billy retorted in a flirty way. Ferria picked up on it instantly.

“How’s Mandy?” she asked hiding her blush by turning around to serve a man who walked in. Billy sighed and return Ferria’s Pokémon.

“We’re going to break up. We’ve just drifted apart too far.” He said airily. Ferria was looking at him while cutting again, but her instinct made her stop. Billy jumped off the counter and gave Ferria a peck as he walked by.

“Let’s get out of Sinnoh. I want to go places. I’m sick of this stupid gang infested piece of crap we call a town. We have Pokémon, we have connections in Kanto and Hoenn. What’s holding us back?” Billy’s speech seemed to inspire Ferria. She wrapped her arms around his neck just in time for Mandy to walk in.

“What the hell is going on here?” she wasn’t exactly yelling. It was more of a controlled talking. She expanded a Pokeball and challenged Ferria to a battle, pushing Billy away from her.

Although she was younger, Ferria was unafraid. She accepted the challenge and they walked outside, Ferria pulling Billy by his hand, as he used his other one to grab Ferria’s Pokémon.

Billy was refereeing and it was a single battle with three Pokémon each. Ferria choose Dratini, Flaafy, and Gulpin, while Mandy choose Gallade, Trapinch, and her Carnivine.

“Dratini out!” Ferria exclaimed. Mandy was slightly afraid until the weak Pokémon slithered to the center of the stage.

“Lets go, Carnivine!” Mandy said. The Venus-Flytrap like Pokémon floated a good two feet off the ground, and its muzzle was at least three feet across and one foot high. It was a very intimidating site for such a small Dratini, but it seemed unafraid.

“Round one. Carnivine versus Dratint. Commence.” Billy said in an overly official tone.

“Dragon Rush!” Ferria’s said quickly. Dratini began enveloped in a blue aura and charged at Carnivine. Dratini seemed to grow as it flew at Carnivine. Billy realized Ferria had been saving Dratini because she knew it was going to evolve as soon as it had the chance. Mandy could barely utter a word as the Dragonair slammed into her Carnivine with pure concentrated energy at its head. Mandy countered with a Power Whip which did little to phase the elegant serpent.

Mandy began to sweat as Carnivine fell at a powerful Aqua Tail from Dragonair.

<This isn’t going to be easy.> Gallade said, viewing the battle through Mandy’s eyes.

TheDeadpool
October 12th, 2008, 02:42 PM
Just trying to bring this to life a little....

Chapter 5

Trent slowly treaded into his cubicle, finding only a single piece of paper on his desk. It was an arrest warrant for one Wallace Millince. He was age 12 and his skill was 10, the highest and most dangerous rating in Lava Rocket’s system. Trent snorted in disbelief, but rounded up the necessary amount of grunts and headed to Wallace’s address.

When Trent and his goons arrived at Wallace’s house, they found a twelve year old boy sitting on a curb, dead asleep. Trent silently gave the order to surround the boy and to each send out three Pokémon. Almost all of them chose Mightyena, but there were several Raticate, and one Charizard. Trent looked at the trainer who owned the Charizard and was horrified to see it was the same girl whose Charmeleon he almost killed with Froslass’s Sheer Cold. He had long since erased the move from his Pokémon’s memory, deciding it was too unfair an advantage. The girl seemed to be about his age, and gave him a look of severe indifference when she noticed him staring at her. By now, Wallace had awakened and had a Pokeball expanded in his hand. Trent tore himself away from the girl and asked Wallace if he knew why they were here.

“Yeah, and you gonna bring me in?” Wallace asked, all in a sneer.

“Not if you cough up the four hundred dollars you stole.” Trent answered calmly.

“Back. I stole it back, you douche bags took it from my family, and they need it more than you ever will! Electabuzz, let’s go!” Wallace said with finality. The Electabuzz Wallace sent out was at least five feet tall, much bigger than the normal species of Electabuzz, and its muscles seemed to ripple with anxiety. It wanted to hurt something, and it wanted to do it now.

Wally, for that is what he prefers to be called, grinned as he realized they thought he was outnumbered. He himself knew his Electabuzz could easily take on all the Mightyena and Raticate with one attack.

“Electabuzz, Rolling Kick!” Wally said, and grinned as the Electabuzzed got on its hands and spun its feet at a frightening speed, hitting at least one Pokémon with each revolution.

The Electabuzz finished its onslaught and vaulted itself onto its feet, flexing its muscles as one by one each Mightyena and Raticate fell to the ground unconscious.

Trent slowly walked to the girl. “Listen-”

“I have nothing to say to you. You almost killed one of my best friends. I only battled you because if I won maybe I could’ve gotten to know you and even gotten a promotion.” She swaggered closer to Wally and her Charizard followed, giving Trent a look that told him he was forgived by it.

Wally stared as a girl and her Charizard as they stepped forward. She was a very pretty brunette with long wavy hair. She wore no hat, unlike the other grunts, and she seemed to not care that her boss was ten feet away. Wally grinned as he thought about what he knew about Charizards. Big, vicious, spits fire, flys. Flys. Flying type. Electabuzz had the advantage. Wally didn’t want to chance it by underestimating the girl, so he knew he couldn’t go easy in anyway.

“What you think you can take me? After I annihilated all your little thug friends? You think you can beat me? I have five more Pokémon just as strong, if not stronger. Ill beat you like the Lava Rocket mule you are.” Wally stared down the girl with such hate, he knew she had to buckle, even a little.

She was unaffected by his taunts, and ordered her Charizard to use Blast Burn. Wally had never heard of this attack, so he ordered a Protect which, of course, failed. Flames first surrounded the Charizard, and they began to rise higher and higher until they licked the top of the closest building. Then the Charizard dashed at Electabuzz, who was still trying to create a Protect, and slammed into it full force, knocking it out instantly.

The girl looked back at Trent as she knocked out Wally’s next Pokémon, a Manectric, smirked when she wiped the floor with his Luxio, started to mile slightly as his Ampharos was felled, and began to grin as his Jolteon hit the floor.

Wally couldn’t close his mouth if he tried. She wiped out almost his entire team, and he realized even his strongest Pokémon couldn’t beat the Charizard. Unless he came up with some kind of crazy idea…

“Electivire, come out!” Wally tossed the Pokeball onto field.

The Electivire stood several inches above Chatizard, and static crackled all over his fur. The two extensions on its back stayed completely focused on Charizard, and its muscles were several times bigger than the Electabuzz he also owns.

Charizard quickly grappled the Electivire per the girls order, and slammed it into a telephone pole close by, but was paralyzed instantly by the static off of the electric Pokémon’s fur. Electivire took little damage from the slam and the Thunder Punch that was fired from its arm dealt heavy damage to the Charizard. It flew seven feet backwards and slammed into a small deli shop where two girls and a boy seemed to be in a heated argument. The front window shattered as the bulk of the fire Pokémon hit it. It broke three tables and five chairs inside, landing on only one customer.

“Charizard, Counter!” the girl smiled as her Charizard lunged at an unavoidable speed towards Electivire. The counter did little to nothing to the rock hard body of the high level Electivire. The electric Pokémon grabbed the Charizard with both hands in its own counter and smashed its face into the cement below, knocking it out instantly.

Taylor, for that was her name, fell to her knees after returning her damaged Pokémon.

“Beaten by a twelve year old… child.” she whimpered.

“Twelve? Who told you that crock? I’m sixteen. I was twelve when I stole that money back, and even back then I kicked Lava ass. Almost as good as I do now.” He walked over and helped her to her feet, she stood only about an inch below him, and they stared into each others eyes for a while until he went over to the deli to see what had happened. Trent followed the boy, worried more about his abilities than the shattered window.

“I hope someone plans to pay for this! I’m certainly not-” Ferria was shocked to see Wally walking up to her. She had just gotten Mandy down to her final Pokémon when the Charizard came through the window. Mandy had her Gallade on the space between the two girls and Ferria’s Flaafy stood unafraid of the psychic Pokémon standing over it. It playfully growled and pranced around it while their trainer talked to the lanky brown headed boy.

“Well you know I don’t have any money Ferria, but I’m sure Mr. Corporation over there can cover you damages.” He walked away with Taylor after that, leaving Trent to deal with the angry worker of the deli.

Trent was talking down Ferria as best he could. “I know you’re angry. I understand that, but I’m not responsible. Wally threw the Charizard into the window, not me. So blame-”

“I’ve known Wally all my life, we went out for like three years. I’m blaming you Mr. Corporate America jerk off! If you don’t get a checkbook down here in five minutes, I’m calling the police!”

Trent smiled at this “Lady, I am the police. I don’t have to pay you if I don’t want to. Now why don’t you finish your little battle before I-”

“What Trent? What are you gonna do? Lose to me again? Now I have all of my Pokémon wanna have a repeat?” Billy said, expanding his Larvitar’s Poke ball.

Trent grunted and walked back to his car, and drove off. Ferria returned her Flaafy, who had just finished electrocuting Gallade on its own. Gallade fell to the ground.

Mandy stormed off without saying anything, and Billy just barely stopped Ferria from kissing him.

“Listen, about that kiss…” he started.

“You only kissed me cause you knew Mandy was watching… I understand. Well have fun in Kanto.” Ferria also stormed off.

Billy sighed and let his Larvitar onto his shoulder and they walked off to the docks, and caught the soonest ship to Kanto. Ferria was fired because of the damages done to the deli, and moved to Hoenn hoping to start over. Mandy made her way to Johto and joined the Elite Four in just four short years. Wally and Taylor dated for a while, then went their separate ways. Trent quit his job at the Lava Rocket corporation after his father died of lung cancer. He stayed in Sinnoh and reopened a Sheriff’s Station in hopes to get rid of all the corruption around him.

One single event will bring these people back together exactly 5 years after the day when Billy beat Trent, Ferria beat Mandy, and Wally beat Taylor.

Post Office Buddy
October 12th, 2008, 07:16 PM
OMG!!!! My good friend Crkr Jak is writing again!!!

Anyway, about your fic. Nice chapter there, better than even your older ones. It seems that your inactivity has increased your ability in writing. I found few errors here, and overall liked the way that you tied in Mandy and Billy's battle with this Wally kid. Now, to the errors I found.

Almost all of them chose Mightyena, but there were several Raticate, and one Charizard.
I think stating that "there were also several Raticate" would have been more effective than saying "there were several Raticate."

Trent looked at the trainer who owned the Charizard and was horrified to see it was the same girl whose Charmeleon he had almost killed with Froslass’s Sheer Cold.
Had seems kind of needed there, otherwise the tensing seems off.

Back. I stole it back. you douche bags took it from my family, and they need it more than you ever will! Electabuzz, let’s go!
Should be a period instead of a comma.

Wally said, and grinned as the Electabuzzed got on its hands and spun its feet at a frightening speed, hitting at least one Pokémon with each revolution.
Typo. Look closely and you'll see what I'm talking about.

flexing its muscles as, one by one, each Mightyena and Raticate fell to the ground, unconscious.
A few comma errors. No biggy though; commas are one of the hardest things to get right in the English language.

Ill beat you like the Lava Rocket mule you are.”
Forgot an apostrophe there.

started to mile slightly as his Ampharos was felled, and began to grin as his Jolteon hit the floor.
Think that should be "smile".

The two extensions on its back stayed completely focused on Charizard, and its muscles were several times bigger than the Electabuzz he also owns.
You switched tenses there, which implies a change in point of view. If you were to keep your tense static, then "owns" should be "owned."

It flew seven feet backwards
I would try to stay away from saying exactly how far back it was thrown. It will create better imagery if you just say that it "flew backwards".

“Beaten by a twelve year old… child.” she whimpered.
The period after "child" should actually be a comma.

Mr. Corporation over there can cover you damages.”
I think "you" was supposed to be "your".

Aside from that, the end of the chapter was a little rushed, although I can see why you did that.

You have definitely improved leaps and bounds. I still enjoy reading this fiction, since it has many, many original elements. I really hope this review inspires you to write more, since I really, really want to see what happens when they all meet up 5 years in the future.

TheDeadpool
October 18th, 2008, 01:24 PM
Heyyy peoples!

im hoping this picks up soon...

but thats not why im posting this...

I need someone with mad Photoshop, GIMP, whatever skills to make me the craziest banner known to fan fiction kind.

if u wanna help post on this thread, or PM me. either way you do a good thing :D

TheDeadpool
March 19th, 2009, 04:29 PM
OK heres the deal. If like. two people say theyd like to see the next chapter, then ill finish it up and get in on like.... saturday. but if not, then ill call it quits and think of a new idea or just plain quit.

so gimme your input.