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Dixie Kong
April 27th, 2008, 11:04 AM
Gee, should have just handed me a knife back in these days!

Avey
April 27th, 2008, 03:18 PM
You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.

Dixie Kong
April 27th, 2008, 03:30 PM
You bring up a good point...

I'll change that now.

And thanks.

Toblerone
April 29th, 2008, 08:43 AM
Good poem, a bit depressing, but.. good poem

Dixie Kong
May 3rd, 2008, 09:12 AM
^ I woke up aching and hurting inside. Of course it was depressing. :D

Superjub
May 10th, 2008, 02:48 PM
I agree that your poems are depressing yet good.
Poem's dont have to be happy to be good. It just has to express emotion.
Your poems are sad and really make a point. That's what makes them intresting.
I'd love to read more of your poems.
Keep up the good work ;)

Richard Lynch
May 15th, 2008, 10:39 AM
You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.

I like this! It is depressing, but it has a good rhythm. And it rhymes!

I didn't know people still wrote depressing poetry that rhymes.

Also, just had to address this one:

Actually, if English class is still with me, lay is present tense. Laid is past tense.
... I think.
Lay is one of those weird words that you can never get the right form of.

But currently the title is wrong; lie is a fib. Lay was correct, I believe.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
May 15th, 2008, 11:06 AM
I think the correct one here would be lay;as a verb used with an object (oneself) it fits best into what I believe you're trying to express.

Lay is more often used with an object, for instance: "I lay a box on the floor". It describes the action of setting down something on a surface.

Lie is more commonly used without an object, as in to be reclined; "I lie on my bed". It describes something already resting on a surface.

Taking this into account, if your intention was to use the verb lie, then the poem probably should've been named "While I lie dying".