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View Full Version : An Oni Raichu thread featuring an attempt at poetry


Avey
April 29th, 2008, 02:15 PM
And here I thought it was lost to the sands of time.

Ever had a dream that you'd give it all for?
Not just the saying, you'd literally die for?

Your family, your home,
Everything you own,
Just to spend a day in that land,
You dream of when you're alone,

But you can't understand why you're thinking of this,
Of a world made up of your idea of bliss,

So you just sit there,
Thoughts up in the air,
Still dreaming of a land where everything's clear.

Well let me tell you that dream ain't real.
I doesn't matter what you think or feel.

Cause in the end it's all still in your head,
You're still just laying in your empty bed.

Now it starts to sink in and it makes you sick,
You swear to God it has to be a trick.

You believed in that world it just can't shatter,
But truth is that it just doesn't matter.

Cause like it or not you're still there by yourself,
And it ain't gonna change no matter how much you want something else,

There ain't much in this world as far as comfort and joy,
That could ever hope to fill the void,

But another day is gone,
And still we press on,

We pay our price and take a loss,
We live each day and count the cost.

Every day we march toward our doom,
In Life, our suffocating tomb,

It's bad enough we can't live in our dreams,
But we also can't live as we please.

I wanna get these dreams out of my mind,
But I can't stop it they're there all the time!

Every day these visions get clearer,
But every night I look at myself in the mirror.

I can't keep living with all this pain,
I live my life but it's all in vain.

No one to love me, no one to whom I can run,
I just keep wishing it had never begun.

I scribble a note then reach in my pocket.
I pull out a handgun and **** it.

I raise it to my head and count "Three, Two, One,"
The note falls, "Now the pain is gone..."

I'm shaken awake by my own tossing and screaming,
But when I look around I sigh, I was only dreaming.

Three months it's been, and always the same thing,
I keep getting the same thoughts, the same feeling,

I see you standing there, face still smiling and warm,
You say you love me and would never cause me harm,

You make me happy like I'm your whole life,
You never gave me any sign of your strife.

Then I see you standing there again, gun to your head,
You pull the trigger then it all turns to a sea of red,

When I can finally see you're just laying there,
I call out your name but you don't seem to hear.

I try to shake you awake but get your blood on my hands,
I read your note but I still can't understand.

I loved you, that should have been enough for us both,
But you selfishly threw away the thing I loved most.

Why did you die? Was I the cause of the pain?
Will I ever be able to get my hands free of the stain?

You were my life, my brother, my friend,
But I guess it didn't matter to you in the end.

All the time I have that same dream,
My mind is breaking apart at the seams,

All day and night I blame myself for your crime,
I'll guess I'll never know if the fault was mine,

But you never told me, you never looked for my help,
Everything you did, you did by yourself.

I get out of bed and I scribble a note,
Just like the one my beloved brother wrote,

"You thought is was over, but it only got worse,
You may be gone, but it still hurts!"

Phanima
April 29th, 2008, 03:54 PM
That was quite moving. I love how it builds up at the beginning and crushes you at the end. It's somewhat relatable as well and I could envision almost every passage. The wording was great as expected (bar one little typo Cx).

One spanking attempt Oni, I loved it.

PDer
June 3rd, 2008, 04:47 PM
Is that RC's avatar, Oni Raichu? Or did it originate elsewhere?

LipstickTraces
June 4th, 2008, 04:28 AM
enjoyable piece :) i liked the simplicity of each part, every new paragraph has a new meaning which gives the reader another piece of the puzzle to join together. it flows extremley well. and its also very believeable, got a great balance of description. nice piece of work!

Jak
June 4th, 2008, 09:40 AM
Attempt? More like check and mate.

I scribble a note then reach in my pocket.
I pull out a handgun and **** it.

I raise it to my head and count "Three, Two, One,"
The note falls, "Now the pain is gone..."

I'm shaken awake by my own tossing and screaming,
But when I look around I sigh, I was only dreaming.

Three months it's been, and always the same thing,
I keep getting the same thoughts, the same feeling,

I see you standing there, face still smiling and warm,
You say you love me and would never cause me harm,

You make me happy like I'm your whole life,
You never gave me any sign of your strife.

Then I see you standing there again, gun to your head,
You pull the trigger then it all turns to a sea of red,

Truly moving. There are no improvements to be made. It all fell into place perfectly.

Twinx
June 4th, 2008, 10:01 AM
Oni, I never knew you wrote poetry =O

It's very touching.. I like how to words are simple yet very expressing.

This is my favorite part:
I loved you, that should have been enough for us both,
But you selfishly threw away the thing I loved most.

Looking forward to hearing more from you =)