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firepokemon
May 2nd, 2008, 02:54 AM
The first one Railway I posted when I first joined this board. I recently posted it again at another forum I go to and got some lovely advice and thought I would post it again here. As I am looking to make some changes.

This one I call The Railway


10 years ago today I was seven years old, with three of my friends, we walked along the railway, not knowing what dangers would be ahead, laughing talking about what we'll do when we grow up, having so many dreams, having so many hopes.

Walking along the railway laughing and teasing each other, having no worries at all, pushing each other and laughing our heads off, not caring, not wanting to care.

Train speeds along the track track, we're laughing, we're teasing, we see the train, the train keeps moving, wheels going round, train moving, then one of us is left on the track, he's got his foot stuck, and the trains getting closer.

And I'm screaming trying to run over to him, but they're holding me back, and theres nothing I can do, but wait for whats going to happen, and hes crying, and he looks at me, and the train hoots his horn, and he keeps looking, and he looks, and the train goes over him.

And each of those carriages going over him, blood is splattered everywhere, the train is well gone now, didn't even bother to stop, and there he is, not recognisable, and we're looking at each other, thinking it's all a dream, but it's reality.

And 10 years has past, and all I can do is think of that day, the day that changed my life. So much guilt is inside me, I could of saved him, but they stopped me. The other two they don't seem to care but I did, he was my best friend.

And that best friend is gone, and I just keep looking at those eyes, wondering if he'd still be here today, I blame myself for what happened, I knew not to go on it, my parents warned many times, the parents of my best friend, won't even acknowledge me when I'm walking down the street, and everyone else in high school is so happy, they don't seem to have the worries, and those two other friends of mine, they're in the football team, where I should be, but getting near them, just makes me swallow pity

Life changes so much in those 10 years but those eyes keep staring at me, I'm sleeping and I'm dreaming, and I picture that day in my dreams, I picture his foot getting stuck, and I picture myself trying to help, but I get held back, and hes crying and hes looking at me, and the train keeps moving and train goes over him and each carriage rides over, and then the train vanishes, and this bloodied lifeless unrecognisable body is left.

10 years ago my life has changed, but for my best friend, he never got to have a life, he never got to get his first kiss, never got to go to the Prom, never went on a date, never be the Detective he wanted to be. For he had only started life, and that life was stopped, while I have life, but I'm not using it.

Those eyes keep staring at me, in my dreams, he stares, when I'm on the bus to school, he stares, hes watching me, I can see him, I saw him and I couldn't help him. Haunted eyes keep staring, haunted eyes keep following, life must go on. But that look in his eyes, those eyes of his and then theres that bloodied lifeless body. And then theres him crying staring into my eyes. I see those eyes.


The second one is really just a random poem I did back in 2002. It was something that I could seemingly sing to. Its not good at all, but I thought well these are coming on six years old now. Time to review and reflect on them I guess.



My mother shes drinking away her fears
My father hes drinking away his
It's a tendency to drink till excess
I'll swagger home so alone

Alone in a scary world of violence
where gangs are recruiting children
children killing children
their parents getting wasted

Where it's not safe to walk the streets
20 bars on just one street
Broken glass and blood on the ground
Fights they are erupting
Mothers suddenly rising
Children running
Children dying
father's staggering
Fights they are eurpting

My mother shes drinking away her fears
My father hes drinking away his
It's a tendency to drink till excess
I'll swagger so alone

Girl heldup at knife point
Her parents at a bar
Drinking to excess
Lady where is your child?

Shes alone in a world where she fears.
Your always at a bar leaving her alone

Son adoring father
Father at a bar
Son all alone
Son wants to be like father
son follows father

My mother shes drinking away her fears
My father hes drinking away his
It's a tendency to drink till excess
I'll swagger home so alone.

It's a cycle of destruction
One way or another
Mother was once a child
Child was left alone.

End the destruction now
Dependency on alcohol
Hell it's wrong
All you mothers
All you fathers
don't leave your kids alone.

My mother shes drinking away her fears
My father hes drinking away his
It's a tendency to drink till excess
I'll swagger home so alone

My mother shes drinking away her fears
My father hes drinking away his
It's a tendency to drink till excess
I'll swagger home so alone.

It starts with One.
Have another
Broken Dreams
Broken Homes
Violence erupting
Because you left your kids alone.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
May 2nd, 2008, 07:31 PM
First off, the first one is actually nearest to prose poetry, and I personally believe hat would fit much better in Other Writing, the main.

For the second poem, it's quite literal, and while I do enjoy the imagery and motif, the unorthodox structure bored me a bit. It's quite a nice poem, though I'd reccomend using a more solid structure, and try rhyming. The lack of rhymes (eiher assonant or consonant) in such a strangely structured piece makes it harder to digest.