View Full Version : A story I'm trying to write

May 22nd, 2008, 8:22 AM
Unexpectedly, I'm only in Chapter two. It's called "The Fragrance of the Verra." Verra is a flower with three petals which each meant love, hope, and peace. But as soon as I finish it, I sure will post a link here for those who wants to take a look at it. Here's how it goes: First of all, I had made the world of pokemon seem more real. It had three continents in all and uncountable countries. Long before, there were only pokemon in Vistria(Another name for the world. If anyone has suggestions, you can email me). But after the agent of spirits(an extraordinary Gardevoir that is rumored to have guarded the bonds between worlds)had decided to make humans civilize Vistria, humans became good friends with their new findings. The smallest continent, Serenica contained Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh... as everyone already knew. But the second largest continent, Vennara(Vee-nah-rah) contained seven countries. But we'll not go that far. This story happens in the Jiang Dynastic Empire, which was ruled by a kind-hearted emperor which cared of others more than himself. Vennarians prefer olden ways of non-technologic life because they have what's more than electricity and fuel. Which was psycast(a kind of power generated from the human mind connected to the phenomenon of nature. There also are gases, minerals and a lot of stuff associated with this power. That means which supports this power. Every single person who is able to manage psycast, even the unborn yet, has a special weapon stored in a endlessly long tower somewhere in the sky. No one knows a single thing of the person who forged all of these weapons. The special thing about them is, they are minimized by psycast when not in use in a necklace like thing but which you wrap around your hand.
This story is about a bandit whose parents are killed by the army and stopped stealing because of connecting himself to the meaning of the Verra(above). His house was beside a forest of Verra trees. By the way, Verra leaves could be mistaken as white bird feathers because they lood so much like it. He had a ninetales which was his best and only friend. He met it since he was a child when it saved his life.
Then one day he meets a female warrior, who came as spy, who was hit by a bundle of bandits and lost all her money. But she kept some under her shoes which the bandits didn't take off her. He saved her life as she drifted along a stream, unconscious. Then he learned that she was from the Saito Kingdom(Japan in Venarra). She once attempted to kill the boy, but failed because she was too weak with bandages all over her body. The boy had saved her life again from a bandit attack as she was trying to run away. They both couldn't explain anything to each other because their languages weren't the same. The boy had tried to use his hands and head to communicate with her. She too had did the same. They had been together for three to four months. And the boy had taught her uncountable techniques of wilderness survival. He had also gave a necklace of a Verra two Verra petals which he broke and lost the last one. Until then, they had experienced love, but didn't express it and never did. The girl's objective was to spy on Jiang because Saito was going to have war against Jiang. But she never told the boy about it.
After she retreated to Saito, the boy had joined the Jiang army for food and shelter. Not after long, the war had started. The boy was so startled to hear the news that the enemy was Saito. But he fought according to the general's command. The girl was in the battle too. She was stabbed on her stomach. But the boy rushed to stop the other men from doing anything more. Because of the kindness and mercy of the general, he expelled the boy and left them alone and won the battle. Whereas the boy had escaped with the girl to the forest. He used the rest of his life bringing the girl back to life. He lasted for one month without eating, so he died.
Before he died, he gave the last petal he was hiding to the girl. It, therefore, represented hope...

I need comments, email me at [email protected]

JX Valentine
May 22nd, 2008, 5:52 PM
Side nitpick: Block of text = incredibly hard to read for a lot of people. x_x When writing paragraphs, make sure you hit the enter button twice to start a new one. Indenting doesn't work, and not putting that extra space between paragraphs makes it easier for a reader to lose his or her place.

Another side nitpick: The four canon regions (Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh) are actually regions, which implies they're not actually countries but rather parts of one. I've always assumed that they're the Pokemon world's version of Japan, considering the fact that all of them are based on Japanese regions. (Kanto itself gets its name directly from an actual region in Japan called Kanto (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kant%C5%8D_region).) I'm mostly saying this in response to your comment about Vennara containing countries like the four canon regions and Saito being the equivalent of Japan.

Comment from experience: It sounds like an okay story, but I get the feeling Pokemon are a side thought here. You'll want to keep reminding yourself what fandom you're working with and maybe figure out ways to avoid forgetting what world you're in. For example, perhaps less of an emphasis on weapons (such as the special weapons for psycasts) and more of an emphasis on a connection to Pokemon/use of Pokemon in battles will help keep your fanfiction a fanfiction. Otherwise, you wander into original fiction, which means you'd be better off removing the Pokemon references and making it a straight original fic, set within your own world that doesn't relate to the Pokemon franchise. I only say this because I know from experience that it's difficult keeping a fanfiction a fanfiction if I put less of an emphasis on why it's a fanfiction (or what makes it a fanfiction), if that makes sense. And once I cross the line and attempt to add in Pokemon references as an afterthought, it tends to show.

Another comment: You may not want to tell the readers what is actually going to happen in your story. Part of the thrill of reading a fanfic is not knowing what the ending is going to be like. Telling us already the outline of your story in a preview tells us before the story even starts what's going to happen at the end. Really, if you want to tell a story, just go ahead and tell it by writing it and posting it in the main forum. Most likely, we won't actually mind what ideas you'll be using, and we'd probably appreciate the story itself more than the preview.