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mcrc
June 11th, 2008, 05:23 PM
Shining through the night brighter than any star
Noises heard and lights seen from afar
The City that never sleeps is the source of it all
busy streets honking horns are the force of it all

Shining through the night brighter than any star
Street cyphers, the flames spit are sup par
Kids look up to rap stars drug dealers and pimps
But never to Emcees who give them words as a lift

Shining through the night Brighter than any star
Cookie cutter hip hop cranked up in every car
This is the NYC that I see
Creativity and energy trapped in a looping melody

Shining through the night brighter than any star
This is what i spit on nearly every bar
This is what we've become I know I'm not wrong
Lets be real for a second how many of us are actually strong?

The once shining star is now long gone
Cultures dying no one cares inspirations turns on and off

5tat3
June 12th, 2008, 08:43 PM
ya structure is ok you need to use multies n metaphors and try to refrain on useing the same bar more than once other than that it was a deep verse very emotional keep it up and if you have any question just pm me

mcrc
June 14th, 2008, 01:57 PM
thanks for reading and well the reason that i repeated was for emphasis i was going for a more poetic type rap that doesn't follow the 16 bar structure just a different style really but yea i agree i could have used more multi's in there thanks for the feedback

5tat3
June 20th, 2008, 11:35 AM
no problem and if ya lookin for a collab hit me up on myspace www.myspace.com/ridersinpride

Mr. Curling Iron
June 22nd, 2008, 04:59 AM
Shining through the night brighter than any star
Noises heard and lights seen from afar
The City that never sleeps is the source of it all
busy streets honking horns are the force of it all

Shining through the night brighter than any star
Street cyphers, the flames spit are sup par
Kids look up to rap stars drug dealers and pimps
But never to Emcees who give them words as a lift

Shining through the night Brighter than any star
Cookie cutter hip hop cranked up in every car
This is the NYC that I see
Creativity and energy trapped in a looping melody

Shining through the night brighter than any star
This is what i spit on nearly every bar
This is what we've become I know I'm not wrong
Lets be real for a second how many of us are actually strong?

The once shining star is now long gone
Cultures dying no one cares inspirations turns on and off


I love this poem. The rhyme of A - A - B - B, is what sets it apart from most other poems in PC. When I was reading this poem, I kinda-sung along with it, so I have to say, it is very catchy. "Shining through the night brighter than any star." I love that. It symbolises the City life. Symbolises how such evil can happen on something that shines brighter then the stars of the sky. It indirectly is telling us that the city is emiting this huge Light Pollution. Its showing us how the culture, and care for each other is wearing away.

I think The last Stanza, sums up everything I have been saying. "The once shining star is now long gone." I Love it! Very nice Pun =) [The City as a star - Metaphor aswell :P, and literally how the Light pollution is making the shiny stars 'invisible']

Nice array of Figurative Language Techniques, and very good use of Imagery.