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5tat3
June 12th, 2008, 08:59 PM
here we go again been doin this since my first breath began
i say thats y im the best im fresh n cool as a ceiling fan

thats y i spit on these lames u should leave the game cuz my flow is insane
like a shotgun to ya head it blows ya brain im unstoppable like a train n i bring the pain

got stacks on deck but dont mess wit my money or 9 shots to ya belly
yall cant beat me yall wanna be me want beef?? haha come n try me

ill bet ya wont live thru the night one fight ya out like a light
like a mewtwo bow down to my might look thru the cross hairs got ya in sight

BANG!! splat haha its over just like that jelous cuz we spit crack yall just whack
best to step back compared to me the difference is like shaq ya really want another attack!!

Mr. Curling Iron
June 25th, 2008, 01:21 AM
here we go again been doin this since my first breath began
i say thats y im the best im fresh n cool as a ceiling fan

thats y i spit on these lames u should leave the game cuz my flow is insane
like a shotgun to ya head it blows ya brain im unstoppable like a train n i bring the pain

got stacks on deck but dont mess wit my money or 9 shots to ya belly
yall cant beat me yall wanna be me want beef?? haha come n try me

ill bet ya wont live thru the night one fight ya out like a light
like a mewtwo bow down to my might look thru the cross hairs got ya in sight

BANG!! splat haha its over just like that jelous cuz we spit crack yall just whack
best to step back compared to me the difference is like shaq ya really want another attack!!

Ok... I fixed it so theres Punctuation as its a bit hard to read.

Here we go again, Been doin this since my first breath began;
I say thats why I'm the Best; I'm fresh'n cool as a ceiling fan.

Thats Why I spit on these lames
You should leave the Game Cuz my Flow is Insane,
Like a shotgun to ya head it blows ya Brain,
I'm unstoppable Like a Train,
An' I bring the Pain

Got Stacks on Deck but don't mess with my money,
or Nine Shots to ya belly.
Ya'll Can't Beat me,
Ya'll wanna be me.
Want Beef? Haha! Come an' Try me.

I'll bet ya wont Live thru the Night
One fight, ya out like a Light
Like a Mewtwo bow down to my might
Look through the cross hairs got ya in sight

BANG! Splat.
Haha! It's over just like that,
Jealous cuz we spit crack
Ya'll just Whack
Best tah Step back,
Compared to me, the difference is like Shaq
Ya really want another Attack!

I like the feeling the poem gives out. Its very taunting, and I'm sure it's useful to read when you need to let loose some anger. The Image is vivid, and you did this using a small amount of language techniques. I love the Rythm and Rhyme. I think the "Bang! Splat" was a little overdoing it though.

If you work on integrating more figurative language techniques, I think u'll get very far as a poet. From what I see, you made this poem quickly, because it sounds like Rap, and if you've been to high school, boys just think up of rap like kicking a ball.

If any writers are reading this, note how his poem really just flows through, and is not really that difficult to read (well... my, fixed version) and it works well with the American voice and slang. He uses very explicit words, eg. Crack and Whack instead of Break and Hit. Take the Rhyme away, and still, the words give vivid imagery =)


hehe. I know xD I love sounding like a know-it-all

5tat3
June 26th, 2008, 08:43 AM
haha this isnt a poem its a little rap i wrote cuz i was bored it is not meant to be a poem